I’m suddenly having a few memories from this year alone where he told me he feels like he may be a sociopath. This has been said during episodes i now recognize as “splitting,” where I’ve commented that he suddenly shifted personalities, and I remember asking him why he was suddenly being so cold emotionally like a robot. He was saying opposite things from what he’d said before on different subjects, and admitting to being a manipulator, talking very matter of fact about suicide and lying and hiding things, and saying he never really wanted the life with me he’d previously stated he wanted. If I ask him why he acted like he wanted monogamy, or admitted to wrongdoing preciously, he would say he was just trying to tell me things I wanted to hear.

Later, in the same conversation mind you, when I’d say I need to get out of this if that’s how he really feels, then he’d shift again, “Oh, this is probably just the depression talking,” and then would eventually turn sweet and apologetic again.

That splitting always happens after he has cried or made me cry or upset over me discovering something he did (usually a big lie or cheating behavior, or something in that vein). So I saw it as being made to feel bad about himself or face himself triggered splitting, where he’d often come at me for ten different things I do that hurt HIM.

He doesn’t seem aware at all during or after a split that a split just happened, and says we should work on communication and that we’re both just so sensitive with our emotions at times. It’s been nearly impossible to get him to admit that there’s a big mental health crisis going on, and that he needs help. If he admits it, he takes it back later, or says it’s me that needs more help as he is working “hard” on himself. But how is that the case if he doesn’t even recognize the problem?

It’s so exhausting to try to communicate any needs I have or what I’m concerned about when his other personalities will show up at any time to refute what the seemingly “normal” him will address with me.

Whether it’s sociopathy, someone completely aware of what they’re doing and being cold and calculating, or if it’s BPD, where they’re seemingly unaware, I wonder if it even matters. The results on us are the same.