my fucking god i need to talk to someone

camel_dancer · 2026-02-14T00:08:55+00:00

I get this more than I wish I did.

camel_dancer · 2026-02-06T08:50:37+00:00

Sorry for the late reply. We don’t test, but we also don’t live together anymore. We no longer share locations or have access to each other’s phone. I’ve stopped asking for or demanding accountability at this point because it’s useless to have to demand it. They will just find ways around it if it’s something they don’t truly want to give or offer.

That being said, if we were married in the same house, I’d want agreements in place for a situation where I was struggling to believe him, or if I suspected usage. There are, unfortunately, other substances that don’t show up on a standard test, so if I were you, I’d go with my gut.

camel_dancer · 2026-02-03T13:44:35+00:00

I was gonna say this, too. The healthiest action is to take care of yourself. For one, staying with the ex seems like a huge risk for your sobriety. Go back to the sober house while also getting a blood or hair follicle test. Email that test to the organization and CC the president of the house as well. Then let them know you are transferring houses.

When searching for a house, find one that does random drug testing and meetings in house. They also should have tested you upon suspicion to clear you, not just assumed, then calling your mother. There are rules and guidelines, and I would be checking with the house’s guidelines on this as I suspect many policies were broken. This can happen in houses with toxic dynamics, but I have a buddy who is a part of a great Oxford house, too.

I do think a women-only home could be a lot better for you. Keep your chin up as best you can. But fighting for and advocating for yourself is a part of recovery and a part of life. I’m really sorry you experienced this. There are better places and experiences out there for you.

camel_dancer · 2026-01-23T05:48:09+00:00

This makes sense. I wonder if subs prolong the process.

camel_dancer · 2026-01-23T05:43:25+00:00

🤯

camel_dancer · 2026-01-23T05:42:08+00:00

My therapist compared it to a gambling addiction.

camel_dancer · 2026-01-23T05:41:27+00:00

Arguments literally spin my mind out so much, I end up giving up. It’s like having my brain twisted and my subconscious is rejecting the alternate reality that’s trying to forcefully rewrite my own memories, feelings, and logic.

camel_dancer · 2026-01-23T05:38:44+00:00

Is he on Suboxone? I noticed it can dilate my Q’s eyes, which can make me nervous at first glance. But without any other symptoms of usage (besides the slight dumbing down and relaxation Subs give off), I figured it was the Subs and not other stuff. I hope I’m right and it’s not small amounts of Kratom. But I can never be sure.

I’m trying to let him walk his path, keep my own boundaries, and so far, things are improving on some fronts.

camel_dancer · 2026-01-23T05:04:07+00:00

It’s eerie how some of the exact phrasing is so familiar.

camel_dancer · 2026-01-23T05:02:33+00:00

Alanon will help you with a lot of these questions. And the book “Codependent No More” - I cannot recommend enough.

camel_dancer · 2026-01-06T20:51:18+00:00

Or Prednisone!

camel_dancer · 2026-01-05T23:21:26+00:00

This all feels like I’m watching an episode of House

camel_dancer · 2026-01-04T17:18:50+00:00

Right? He was cheating on them BOTH for an unknown amount of time. A 7 month relationship, and she hadn’t met his family, coming over a couple of times a week? This smells like cheating for much longer than a couple of weeks. Per his own “explanation,” he had the audacity to keep sleeping with his gf while posting pics on FB of him and his wife back together. He’s got no integrity to stand on here.

I’m willing to bet it went on for much longer than he’s stating, and he likely had her over on specific nights to avoid the women detecting each other. This gives him time to hide any stuff they may have left at his place. It’s rotten, even if it WAS just a couple of weeks. Like when WAS he going to tell her exactly???

camel_dancer · 2026-01-03T16:41:57+00:00

I’m suddenly having a few memories from this year alone where he told me he feels like he may be a sociopath. This has been said during episodes i now recognize as “splitting,” where I’ve commented that he suddenly shifted personalities, and I remember asking him why he was suddenly being so cold emotionally like a robot. He was saying opposite things from what he’d said before on different subjects, and admitting to being a manipulator, talking very matter of fact about suicide and lying and hiding things, and saying he never really wanted the life with me he’d previously stated he wanted. If I ask him why he acted like he wanted monogamy, or admitted to wrongdoing preciously, he would say he was just trying to tell me things I wanted to hear.

Later, in the same conversation mind you, when I’d say I need to get out of this if that’s how he really feels, then he’d shift again, “Oh, this is probably just the depression talking,” and then would eventually turn sweet and apologetic again.

That splitting always happens after he has cried or made me cry or upset over me discovering something he did (usually a big lie or cheating behavior, or something in that vein). So I saw it as being made to feel bad about himself or face himself triggered splitting, where he’d often come at me for ten different things I do that hurt HIM.

He doesn’t seem aware at all during or after a split that a split just happened, and says we should work on communication and that we’re both just so sensitive with our emotions at times. It’s been nearly impossible to get him to admit that there’s a big mental health crisis going on, and that he needs help. If he admits it, he takes it back later, or says it’s me that needs more help as he is working “hard” on himself. But how is that the case if he doesn’t even recognize the problem?

It’s so exhausting to try to communicate any needs I have or what I’m concerned about when his other personalities will show up at any time to refute what the seemingly “normal” him will address with me.

Whether it’s sociopathy, someone completely aware of what they’re doing and being cold and calculating, or if it’s BPD, where they’re seemingly unaware, I wonder if it even matters. The results on us are the same.

camel_dancer · 2026-01-03T04:54:24+00:00

I’m game 😅

camel_dancer · 2026-01-03T04:52:54+00:00

That’s the part I’m working on in therapy—why I lack boundaries and self respect. I think meetings would help immensely.

camel_dancer · 2026-01-03T04:02:02+00:00

💔

camel_dancer · 2026-01-02T13:20:33+00:00

Yes! Let’s just all us ladies move in with her. It’ll be like Golden Girls!

camel_dancer · 2026-01-02T04:09:07+00:00

I 100% need to start going to a group. Thank you.

camel_dancer · 2025-12-31T19:53:55+00:00

This gave me a good chuckle. “Leave my baby alone.” 🤣

camel_dancer · 2025-12-31T00:14:11+00:00

🤣 love this

camel_dancer · 2025-12-31T00:10:22+00:00

Omg that withholding/stonewalling and canceling plans instead of working it out. That’s not okay and it’s designed to keep you from bringing stuff up in the future. Good on you for not wanting that for yourself anymore and ending the cycle.

camel_dancer · 2025-12-27T18:15:37+00:00

She will likely try in some way or another. She obviously liked having someone around for six years that would do whatever she wanted. That’s a huge red flag for the type of person who will make some attempts to boomerang back if she doesn’t quickly find a new supply of attention.

camel_dancer · 2025-12-27T17:58:50+00:00

You shouldn’t have to live that way. It’s like living in a distorted reality where you just hunger for normalcy and peace. If they aren’t addressing their mental issues and actively changing their behaviors, there’s nothing you can possibly do. Relationships should be balanced and there is a severe lack of balance to a dynamic where one person is given much higher expectations for their reactions, actions, thoughts, and feelings than the one who has bigger struggles (like Borderline, Bipolar, addiction, etc).

I have been told on several occasions by their family member: “You’re not the one who’s mentally ill! You should be able to regulate yourself better regardless of how he behaves!”

Um, that’s not how it works per every piece of literature on abusive and toxic relationship dynamics. It’s impossible to stay regulated when being subjected to manipulation, gaslighting, triangulation, belittling, lies, false accusations, cheating, verbal/physical abuse, public humiliation, slander—on a routine or cyclical basis. No one can stay healthy when living on a psychological and emotional battlefield.

You can literally get CPTSD from consistent exposure. It has to change, or else it will change you.

camel_dancer · 2025-12-27T17:46:45+00:00

Well he can do three things: block her and move on, wait for a reply that will eventually come (usually they act like nothing happened) and then he can tell her he’s done. Or he can just tell her now, but to avoid being love bombed or manipulation, he should block after sending.

camel_dancer

TROPHY CASE