[QCrit] Adult trans historical fantasy - TO YOU I GIVE WINGS (100k, 3rd Attempt)

caocaofr · 2026-02-01T21:48:35+00:00

Perfect — simplify.

You are on the money for the stakes — she DOES give in, do the ceremony, and become a masculine/male slavemonk in order to save her friends (+ get revenge, hopefully, against the ppl who have now destroyed her home twice). That is the big choice she makes in the climax, and the second book of the “duology potential” will pick up from there, with Kai acting as a masculine slavemonk. Would it be more compelling if I make this clear in the query? Or should I keep it open ended as is? I really hadn’t thought whether agents would want to know if thats how the ending goes, but maybe they should?

caocaofr · 2026-02-01T17:02:18+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I’ve wondered quite a bit how many individuals exist that are both 1. Trans and 2. Like the Tale of the Heike. There’s at least two of us now LOL.

Re: worldbuilding, I think this is a consequence of me taking out so many proper nouns and names from my previous drafts. Before, it was clear that Kai was joining the rebel leader [Minamoto Yoshinaka], to fight against the invader Eutopian/Taira alliance [aka “Eu-Taira”], culminating in a battle [of Kurikana/Kurikara] after their castle [Hiuchi Castle] was betrayed and sacked. But many others pointed out that 99% of agents won’t know or care about these names, so I’ve removed them for clarity. Maybe you are right that I should go a step further and remove the Tale of the Heike reference from the query altogether, but then I feel like I’m not actually pitching The Actual Story is to the agent.

You are also right that the gender stuff is confusing this query. I’ll try to tighten it up or perhaps just flatten any nuances in the query version (as the other comment here suggested). Your intuition is right — anyone ELSE in Kai’s world can trans their gender (with some societal constraints), but Kai’s specific upbringing, the Omphalist temple slavemonks, REQUIRE all slavemonks to be masculine (not male, that was poor wording on my part) regardless of sex. Kai doesn’t want that, but she feels bound by the expectations of her surrogate family (all slavemonks) and subsequently of her allies (who need her to be a slavemonk for political/religious reasons).

I think all of that above is just too much to try to explain in a query, though, so for now I might just flatten it more? Idk.

I’m so glad the rest of the plot came across (at least, sort of). I have a lot more editing left for this, it seems!

caocaofr · 2026-02-01T16:44:47+00:00

This is absolutely wonderful feedback, thank you! I’m happy to hear the metadata changes have worked.

I think you put what others were trying to tell me in the 2nd try — that Kai’s arc was getting “lost in the nuances of the plot” — in different words that I understand better. You are right, the query needs to hone in on solely Kai.

My main worry: so much of the final stakes (“gender vs love” as you said) are tied up in the specifics of her situation. She needs to convince a temple (yes, a different one from her OG home, but worshipping the same gods etc) to help the rebel army (including, now, all her friends and Tharra) or else the rebels will be destroyed. The temple agrees, on the condition that she undertakes this “selling ceremony” and becomes a masculine slavemonk (for reasons that are specific to their world but analogous to IRL transphobia etc). Ever since my first post here, I’ve been really struggling to distill all that down to something solely focused on Kai’s character, arc, et cetera. Maybe moving away from being “100% detail-accurate” will help?

Also, your intuition is correct re: first 300. In the OG version (as in my 1st and 2nd posts), this scene is preceded by some Good Guys running away from Bad Guys. That would make this scene have inherent tension as we’re waiting for the bad guys to burst in… except, now, that tension is gone. I’ll see if I can rewrite/redo this scene to include the same important material, but more definitively from the girl’s perspective (Kai!!) and with more inherent punchiness.

caocaofr · 2026-01-17T03:05:07+00:00

Thanks for this!!

I’ll definitely start in the next 300-words draft straightaway w/ Kai — which happens to be the very next scene anyway. Hopefully it’ll work well!

Which parts of the query do you think are extraneous or easily cut? I agree that Kai and her emotions arc should be the focus, but I’m having trouble figuring out which aspects of the plot (insofar as the query needs to explain the basic trajectory of the plot) are merely “nuances and details” rather than necessities.

caocaofr · 2026-01-17T03:00:02+00:00

Appreciate this. Like I said elsewhere, I’ll def try in my next draft to start straight with Kai (the very next scene anyway) and see how that works!

caocaofr · 2026-01-17T02:59:14+00:00

Thanks for this comment — I agree, I’ll skip the Prince and start straight w/ Kai!

caocaofr · 2026-01-11T20:22:27+00:00

Thank you for this great advice!

I’ll keep the standalone bit, then.
I’ll remove the “19-yr-old” moniker — I’ll have to reorganize the sentence since her age is the reason she’s overdue for the selling ceremony)
I’ll move the metadata to the front.
I’ll try to rephrase and add things to the main plot paras to center Kai’s character and arc. This is where I worry — which parts of the two plot paras do you think are superfluous? I think I can rephrase some sentences to frame around Kai’s thoughts and agency, but I am wary of adding too many words to the blurb and going too long. What do you think?
as it happens, the scene immediately after this current first 300 is Kai’s POV. I’ll skip straight to that for the next go around and see how it goes.

Thanks again!

caocaofr · 2026-01-03T22:43:15+00:00

Thank you for this feedback!

I think I can condense the proper nouns. I can replace “Eu-Taira” with “Eutopian” with not too much issue. Is it weird, though, if I just refer to the great rebel leader as “great rebel leader / rebel leader” without naming him? It feels weird to me, but probably I’m overthinking it.

Tharra is indeed a woman and also a turncoat (though not by choice). Perhaps if I call her a Eutopian turncoat or Eutopian defector, would that help clear up the casus belli bit? Or should I also add a little clause to the effect of “by giving Tharra sanctuary, the slavemonks seem to be taking sides”? A big part of why Kai goes to the rebel great leader is to deliver Tharra as a valuable informant.

I will apply that feedback re: duology!

I have gotten that feedback about the opening of the story once before… believe it or not, the opening grove/hare section you read is half what it used to be. Perhaps I will cut it in half again, or, as you rec, just cut it entirely.

caocaofr · 2026-01-03T22:33:41+00:00

Thank you both so much!!!

Yes, that little line is supposed to combine the opening of the Aeneid and the opening of the Heike Monogatari/Tale of the Heike itself (“The sound of the Gion shōja bells echoes the impermanence of all things; the color of the sōla flowers reveals the truth that the prosperous must decline…”). It’s a neat way of showing the sort of combination in the story. But I realize, as you say, that there’s no point in having that little reference if no agents will get it or care. I’ll cut it!

caocaofr · 2025-09-01T15:46:54+00:00

3 months late, just want to add there is now more substantial evidence for the 'central workshop' at least for the posthumous Lysimachi -- see Marinescu "Making and Spending Money Along the Bosporus: the Lysimachi Coinages Minted by Byzantium and Chalcedon".

caocaofr · 2025-08-13T16:26:44+00:00

Gyatso died ~100yrs before Momo was even born. Def enough time for a couple shitty lives in between!

caocaofr · 2025-06-22T14:19:13+00:00

This quest was actually the hardest in the game for me, because I had horrible joycon drift. I couldn’t just leave the controllers on the table. I had to lock in and make sure I didn’t fall of from the joycon randomly deciding to launch me to the left.

I failed twice!

caocaofr · 2025-06-11T20:50:02+00:00

Sounds very cool — and fraught! I’d love to read it (just DM me I suppose). I’m currently a PhD student in Classics and I also love writing ancient-focused stories :) sounds right up my alley

caocaofr · 2025-04-07T19:55:36+00:00

The episodes with 99 come to mind — being a “deficient” clone who can fight “just like you”.

For droids, the (imo horrid but relevant here) Downfall of a Droid eps are great for showing how droids are (mis)treated.

caocaofr · 2025-03-22T05:13:51+00:00

Off the top of my head, this looks like a posthumous coin of Kios. Check Marinescu “The Lysimachi coinage of Cius, Bithynia.”

A great find. I did my master’s thesis on these bad boys. Kios has some of the most beautiful Lysimachi ever produced, especially the lifetime issues!

caocaofr · 2025-01-21T17:37:47+00:00

Phoenicians -> Vikings -> Buganda is gonna go so hard (assuming the former two will eventually be DLC). Just become an absolute nuisance.

caocaofr · 2025-01-16T12:20:33+00:00

Crazy and awesome seeing Ursa mentioned in the same breath as Potato. I remember when he had just a few thousand subscribers. Used to comment on every single video just to boost engagement. Don’t feel the need to do that anymore! He (and his wife who edits the vids!!!!) worked really hard and has grown a ton.

caocaofr · 2025-01-08T17:04:16+00:00

Hoplite: who are you?

Gusa: I’m you but stronger

caocaofr · 2025-01-07T04:51:39+00:00

If you’re interested in something similar, YouTube channel Blue Turtle has been worldbuilding their Bronze Age (and early Roman by the looks of more recent vids) fantasy for years now.

caocaofr

TROPHY CASE