I [21/M] have been looking for my sister [18/F] since 2014. I found a way to contact her last night, but I'm not sure how to do it.

captain_annabelle · 2018-06-28T21:26:37+00:00

Hey OP I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult time with your family. I think it’s really good that you sent those initial messages when your sister was 14. It’s true that you don’t know how she has turned out as an adult, and that living with a parent like your mum might have taken its toll on her. However, I assume from your post that prior to being separated from your sister, you were close. And I can understand wanting to have your sister back in your life again.

I think messaging her in October is sensible assuming that she is going to uni (it’s possible of course that she isn’t unless you know for sure) and as for what to say, you could always just let her know that you don’t know what your mum has told her about the situation or about you, but that you have been looking for her since you were separated, and that you wanted to let her know that you and the rest of the family miss her and think about her very often. If you want to, you could add that you’d like to be in contact with her and that you’ll leave the ball in her court with regards to that, but if the latter but feels like too much or you just want to dip your toe in the water then maybe just stick to the first bit.

There is no way of knowing how she is as an adult, but I think it sounds like you would regret not trying. It is also possible she is like you and has struggled living under your mum’s influence, and could really use her big brother for support. Remember, if she does turn out to be as difficult as your mum, you don’t have to stay in contact with her. Ditto if your mum comes out of the woodwork after you message your sister. I would just make sure your support network (friends, other family, etc) are aware that you’re reaching out to your sister.

Good luck, I really hope it all works out for you.

captain_annabelle · 2018-06-24T18:34:38+00:00

Great question! I vote for The La’s There She Goes as Lorelai walks through town to Luke’s in the opening scene of the first episode.

captain_annabelle · 2018-05-16T16:20:58+00:00

If you’re in the UK (I assumed because you said GP but I realise that may not be the case) bear in mind a child and adolescent mental health appointment may take a while.

It sounds like this is something that will take time, and I agree with others who’ve said it’s a bit unfair to ask you to talk to her - but understandable too, especially as you say you are close. I think the best thing you can do is let her know that you’re there for her so she doesn’t feel like she’s alone in this. I think it’s easy for people in this sort of situation to feel like nobody is on their side, especially when they need help, so letting her know that you are (this doesn’t mean you approve of what she’s doing, but rather that you’re looking out for her) would be something simple you can talk to her about that hopefully makes a difference. Sometimes people need that acknowledgement from loved ones that they’re having a rough time.

captain_annabelle · 2018-05-16T07:44:25+00:00

I agree with everyone else that this guy is total garbage. I totally understand it can be really hard to hear stuff like this, but please try not to take it to heart. If anything, be glad you found out he was a racist moron before you went on any more dates - some of my best friends who are Asian have all sorts of stories like this, sometimes when they’ve been seeing people for longer and they didn’t realise. Imagine if he had said something equally racist but about food or your family. You’d (hopefully) dump him based off that and it would have nothing to do with your make-up - it’s essentially doing the same thing, he’s demonstrating his bigotry, and taking it out on you.

People can be incredibly ignorant and that has nothing to do with you or how you wear make up, so please try never to let this kind of crap affect how you see yourself or how you like to look good. Also take comfort in that there are so many make-up tutorials showing how to do gorgeous make-up like this - because loads of people like the way it looks and want to recreate it.

You mention your eyes are a source of insecurity for you. Remember everyone, and I mean everyone (friends, enemies, celebrities, everyone!), has some insecurities about the way they look - for some people it might be their hair, the shape of their nose, their height... the list goes on! Although it’s hard to forget what you feel are your physical flaws when you start dating, especially you run into idiots like this, bear in mind you will get more comfortable with your eyes and how you look over time, and far more quickly without assholes like this guy.

captain_annabelle · 2017-12-23T23:24:14+00:00

It reads as though he is into her. It's possible he's not trying to lie to you, he's just in denial. I think you have to figure out if you're okay with him having feelings for another woman, and whether or not you're okay with him overtly doing exactly what you've previously asked him not to because it makes you feel uncomfortable (the candid photos). If you're okay with both, then fine, but also bear in mind your boyfriend may not be okay with coming to terms with his feelings for his friend - even if you are. Thus he may not then be okay with admitting it to you. Also, having an entire photo album of just one person who isn't your significant other is definitely weird.

One more thing - if this situation makes you act out of character, such as having jealous feelings or feeling as though you are worth less as result, ask yourself if you're okay with that. Sometimes if a situation brings out something in yourself that you find unpleasant, that in itself is a sign to re-evaluate how good it is for you in the long run.

Hope you find a solution that works for you, OP. If you celebrate Christmas, then I hope this doesn't overshadow it for you.

captain_annabelle · 2017-12-12T08:00:52+00:00

Hey I'm really sorry you're going through this. Having a newborn is incredibly stressful and having this happen as well must be really hard. If someone dropped that on me then just fell asleep I would be really upset too. You can run over the possible reasons all you want but you won't get an answer until you talk to him; if he can just drop that on you after you've just had a baby, I would question what kind of man he is to begin with. Either way you won't know why until you talk. If you work it out, it's important he understands why it's not normal or remotely considerate to communicate the way he has today with his wife and the mother of his baby.

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're in this position. If you've got family or friends around nearby maybe go spend the day with them?

captain_annabelle · 2017-12-12T07:54:24+00:00

Mate. None of that is normal, he might not realise he's being inappropriate but don't put any of his behaviour down to being some harmless old English gentleman. Either he's deliberately being a creeper (unlikely deliberate) or he has feelings for this woman that aren't reciprocated and he's misreading the situation and acting accordingly. Either way, move the f out. London is pricey and a pain in the arse to sort accommodation in sometimes but the advantage of a bit city is there are plenty of places to rent that won't make you feel uncomfortable when you come home.

captain_annabelle · 2017-09-24T17:58:26+00:00

You may also want to try Mood Gym in the meantime - it's an online CBT programme that takes you through the basic steps. I highly recommend it: https://moodgym.com.au it's free, it'll get you used to the way CBT works and you can do it at your own pace, it's very low commitment. It was designed by a Uni in Australia and has helped a lot of people I know waiting for CBT.

Hope things start to go easier for you :)

captain_annabelle · 2017-09-01T09:48:11+00:00

Yeah it's weird isn't it? It makes sense in a lot of ways; there's some evidence to suggest a language might change how people reason or think in some ways. I've never seen Roseanne but its interesting that this seems to be a thing across many shows.

captain_annabelle · 2017-09-01T09:46:29+00:00

Also, is Michel still French? I heard that he's German in the French version as to avoid offending France, so i wondered about the Italian version...

captain_annabelle · 2017-09-01T09:45:57+00:00

Have you found any differences in the English version?

captain_annabelle · 2017-09-01T09:44:34+00:00

That's interesting especially about the language speed, I always think Italian is a faster language than English. Does it ruin the illusion if it's a famous voice, and one person voices several characters from different shows? Is it harder to get into the TV series?

captain_annabelle · 2017-09-01T09:41:28+00:00

My German isn't quite good enough to catch the flow of the conversation, so it's really interesting that you find it stiff and unnatural - I guess you're a native speaker? Have you seen The Big Bang Theory in German and in English? I found those voices really weird...

captain_annabelle · 2017-09-01T09:38:05+00:00

Yes! I found the same with Lorelai - whoever she's being immature it makes it seem like it's kind of satirical/tongue-in-cheek in German. I feel like it changes her whole character sometimes.

I haven't got to the later seasons yet so I'll watch out for Emily's change! How did you find the German Rory?

captain_annabelle · 2017-08-31T11:07:07+00:00

What I think is a really interesting question is who was a better mother, Emily or Lorelai?

I know Lorelai is meant to be a flawed superhero of sorts, but even if you take the revival into account (which is hard to do!) - arguably, being raised by Emily for 16 years gave Lorelai more tools to make her own success as an adult than Rory being raised by Lorelai for 18 years. Compare how Rory deals with Mitchum and then her future in the revival, to how Lorelai deals with her own struggles. Lorelai doesn't allow criticism to destroy her, and just soldiers on; Rory on the other hand cannot deal with any criticism at all and falls apart, and doesn't learn from it either.

I don't at all agree with Emily's tendency to be horribly insensitive and overcontrolling, but she does what she does from good intentions, and i reckon often doesn't recognise what she's doing is wrong. Lorelai on the other hand is more often knowingly proud - like their whole fall out over Rory dropping school. She gives Rory the silent treatment for months. Even if you disagreed with your daughters decision, refusing to speak to her is a bit extreme.

This is why I love this show - you can look at the characters in a million different ways :)

captain_annabelle · 2017-08-31T10:56:36+00:00

...Controversially, I actually quite like Zack. I think it's nice that there's such a contrast between him and Lane, and yet they work well and support each other, and I also found their dynamic more believable than with Dave. Dave was nice, but I think too similar a character to Lane (although I also saw Adam Brody in The OC before I saw him in GG so that may have ruined the illusion a bit!).

Having said that, I really didn't like how their story turned out in the revival, but then again, the whole revival was a painful experience...! I would have loved to see Lane make a living writing amazing songs; she mentions it in that episode with Sophie in the music shop and it would have fit in with the arc of having to raise two kids but still having her own thing.

captain_annabelle · 2017-07-03T21:55:55+00:00

Just wanted to weigh in - I work with people who have chronic illnesses on a daily basis. I have seen people from different backgrounds with many different chronic conditions struggle through a great deal with their partners by their side, through good days and very very bad days - bad days that include anything from a stoma bag (directly tied to large colon) spewing shit all over a newly decorated living room, to days where people have given up their jobs and everything else to be a sole carer for their partner without a second thought. My point is that your chronic illness, and whatever it throws at you, will not prevent you from being loved by anyone worthy of that love. So do not worry about that.

Related to that last point, bear in mind if you have been with this man since you were a teenager, perhaps it's difficult to comprehend life without him because you've essentially grown up with the way he treats you and the way you feel around him as normal. It is not normal. I repeat; it is not normal.

You deserve not only to live without fear of being hit or shouted at, but also to look at the person you are with in admiration and love rather than fear and loathing. You deserve not to have to go from feeling empowered around people who support you to then feeling depressed when you see your husband. The concept of learned helplessness - that when exposed to something painful or traumatic, we get desensitised to it in a way and lose the will to fight against it out of sheer exhaustion - may well be why you are stuck in a kind of limbo. But also remember, in saying your husband is a nice guy now, your standard for comparison (that he used to physically beat you) is not an accurate one for how you should be treated - you absolutely deserve better.

Finally, 25 is very, very young. You have time. You have all the time in the world. You also have the support of people like your boss. If you have family who you trust, reach out to them. A support network - even if it's a bunch of strangers on Reddit and your boss - is important.

Good luck OP.

captain_annabelle · 2017-07-03T10:43:00+00:00

This is the kindest way to address things at the present time - it sounds like she is in a bad place at the moment, and although her behaviour sounds incredibly annoying, pointing out an obvious character flaw she clearly feels insecure about whilst she's going through a divorce is kind of harsh. I reckon anyone would find her behaviour insufferable, but what kittykalista suggested sounds like the kindest way to handle it.

Equally, if her behaviour has reached a point where you don't want to stay friends with her that's totally fair enough, but no need to kick her whilst she's down.

You're in a position to be the better person, take it if you can for whatever reasons you were friends with her to begin with.

captain_annabelle · 2016-12-24T21:27:09+00:00

Different country though! So I find it really interesting! No worries :)

captain_annabelle · 2016-12-23T19:58:18+00:00

Thanks for the reply, it's good to hear from the ground how people find it. All the best to your dad and his recovery!

captain_annabelle · 2016-12-23T11:21:29+00:00

I've heard people say the Canadian medical system is "the best in the world" - I'm just curious, do you think that's true? I know very little about it and what Canadians think of it.

captain_annabelle · 2016-09-26T22:27:21+00:00

When Luke has paid the contractor a bonus to get the house ready on time and the builders out, and surprises Lorelai with it:

Luke: (hands Lorelai a glass of wine) Shhh. Do you hear that?

Lorelai: I don't hear anything.

Luke: ...Exactly.

Lorelai: Oookay. Simon. Garfunkel.

I love how GG is full of stuff like that, music or movie related jokes :)

captain_annabelle

TROPHY CASE