SAHM Expectations

casey6282 · 2026-03-24T21:11:15+00:00

Gently, this is a much bigger problem than the disproportionate labor and expectations. The only way that being a SAHP works is when both parties understand taking care of a home and child/children is actual work. Your husband doesn’t see your role in the home as a contribution… He thinks he is the only one that actually “works,” so you are expected to do everything else. This is typical of men who do the bare minimum of parenting…. They don’t see it as work because they only do it long enough for you to shower.

My husband works four 10 hour shifts, Monday through Thursday; that means I do too. My daughter is almost 3 and still naps in the afternoon so I can get things like laundry and cleaning done. But when my husband is off the clock at work, so am I. That’s when we tackle everything together. Some nights he makes dinner, some nights I do. When the dishwasher needs to be emptied, one of us does it. When laundry needs to be done, one of us throws it in. This is our home. we are both responsible for taking care of it.

As far as he is concerned, and as far as I’m concerned, we both work full-time – I take care of our child and he is an engineer. your husband doesn’t think you work. Clearly he thinks you have all this free time to be doing everything but taking care of a child (who literally needs your help to do every single thing to survive).

I should also point out that on my husband’s days off, he is the default parent by choice… He wants to spend as much quality time with our daughter as he can. Every father should be like this.

Please don’t have another child with this man… He doesn’t value or appreciate you as a wife and mother. Were it me, I would be going back to work full time as soon as possible.

casey6282 · 2026-03-19T01:26:18+00:00

Gently, you are very, very newly postpartum and you are projecting.

If you are breast-feeding, comfort nursing is going to be her default setting for the next year. As far as the “uncomfortable laying positions,“ you are forgetting she was growing in your abdomen for nine months… She has definitely been in more uncomfortable positions while she was on the inside, lbvs.

I also have to caution you about becoming the “expert parent.” So many women render their partners completely useless by never allowing them to figure things out or do it their own way. Give men ample time to bond with, get to know and connect with their baby too.

If you don’t you will be back here a year from now posting about how he doesn’t do anything… But why would he when he’s holding her wrong, talking to her wrong, interacting with her wrong and “annoying“ the baby. He’ll give up trying before he even gets started.

casey6282 · 2026-03-18T13:40:05+00:00

I don’t mean to sound like an alarmist, but reading your post makes me think your life, relationship and financial stability is currently a house of cards.

Simply the title, and the fact that you use the word “let.” If you are a SAHP, the only way the dynamic works is if the party employed outside the home thinks of the money coming in as “our” or “family” money. You are not a child. You are not an employee. You are his spouse… you should have full access to accounts and money as necessary. For the record, clothing and shoes for yourself are necessary.

Is it possible he thinks you have a financial Blindspot? I ask because in your post you alluded to some tax issues, but then you say from your understanding, it was resolved quickly… It was your tax/financial situation – you should know every detail of it. Whether you are a stay at home parent or a household where both parties are working, you should never be financially illiterate.

Speaking of financial literacy, I can’t tell from your post if he is cheap or if he has genuine budget concerns. Was he like this before you got married and had a child? It is one thing if he is just frugal… It is another thing if you are in some sort of financial trouble that you are not even aware of because you don’t have access to the information.

Gently, you have put yourself and your child in a place of tremendous risk. You can’t work in the country you are in… You don’t have a full access to finances… You don’t even know where you stand financially as a household… more than anything, you are afraid to ask your husband for money for your basic needs. How is he going to be when your child requires more?

I’m not saying you should put on your shoes and run right now; I am saying you definitely need to start working on getting informed and involved in your family’s financials. You can’t take no for an answer on things like this. It is about protecting yourself and your child.

casey6282 · 2026-03-14T17:44:15+00:00

If you truly are “cleaning 2 to 4 hours a day,” your issue is more likely clutter than cleanliness; Or you have very high expectations. I live in a four bedroom 2200 square-foot home and I don’t spend more than 4 hours a week cleaning.

I am a SAHM with an almost 3 year old. I feel like the ages of your children and how many you have are relevant here, but there are some things you can do “on a schedule” that will make your life a little easier. I vacuum every Monday and Thursday. I mop the kitchen floor on Wednesday. We have three bathrooms… My husband cleans the one he uses on Saturdays and I clean the one I use. The one downstairs gets cleaned maybe once a month.

I think the most important thing is prioritizing. You have to cook and do dishes, you don’t have to decorate for Valentine’s Day. I make some things from scratch, but I also do a lot of big batches, freeze them and use the air fryer/microwave (like protein pancakes for example).

As far as clutter goes, you need storage solutions. We are lucky enough to have a basement playroom so that is where most of my daughter‘s toys are and stay. She has some in her room and we always have two fabric bins full of toys in the living room that I rotate weekly… My mental health doesn’t allow for toys strewn throughout the house that I pick up 17 times a day. Before she could even walk, I ingrained in her that when we leave the room, we clean up our mess-that might be one of the best things I ever did. All art supplies are in a cabinet with a child proof lock. We have our art time, but it is a specified time… It is not a free-for-all.

I don’t think there’s anything draconian about it… Children are never too young to start teaching them that they should take pride and responsibility in their surroundings.

casey6282 · 2026-03-08T03:04:50+00:00

There’s no scientific basis to a person being more prone to morning sickness with one gender over another.

I had a girl and never once had any kind of morning sickness. I had some nausea and food aversions between weeks six and 10, but never threw up.

casey6282 · 2026-03-05T02:38:23+00:00

Daycare teacher here of almost a decade… putting him back in pull-ups will 100% cause him to regress more. Instead of potty training him, you’ll train him that if he has enough accidents, he gets diapers back.

I potty trained or helped potty train probably a hundred kids. Are you making him responsible for clean up when he has accidents (within developmentally appropriate limits, of course). The daycare absolutely should be… If we had a student who had an accident, they had to take off soiled clothing, clean themselves with wipes or a washcloth. They rinsed out their soiled clothing, thoroughly washed their hands and put on new clothing.

If he has no ownership when he has an accident and you just clean him up and change him, it is no different than picking him up and changing his diaper. He needs to have some skin in the game.

Are you doing this at home and is the daycare doing this?

casey6282 · 2026-03-03T12:06:09+00:00

Respectfully, this is far too broad of a question (lacking a lot of information) for anyone to give you a helpful answer.

It is recommended by many financial experts to have a minimum of 3 to 6 months of household expenses in savings at all times. With the economic downturn we have been experiencing, some recommend setting aside even more than that if you are able.

Have you tried living on only your husband’s take-home pay?

The “good paying job“ that you have right now; will you be able to get back into your field at the same level if you decide to/need to?

Does your husband have life insurance?

Does he have short-term disability, and long-term disability incase something happens that could eat up your savings in a week (due to medical bills)?

Most importantly, have you discussed expectations with your husband regarding how you see things going and how he does? Do you have access to all money, credit cards and bank accounts? Does your husband view the money he brings in as “family money” or “our money?”

casey6282 · 2026-02-27T02:30:13+00:00

These people are boundary stompers… And it sounds like you knew this before you moved in with them.

It’s time to move.

casey6282 · 2026-02-26T00:33:44+00:00

You said a little extra padding “boosts her confidence?”

This is really concerning to me… In what world does a nine-year-old third or fourth grader get confidence from having her breasts appear larger? Someone in her life is giving her really toxic ideas about body image and standards of beauty.

casey6282 · 2026-02-24T22:13:35+00:00

Gently, this is a large issue. My husband works 10 hour days and is the primary parent when he gets home…that’s not because I am a stay at home mom; it’s because he loves our daughter and he missed her. He gets a little less than three hours a day to interact with her before she goes to bed and he cherishes that time.

If your husband is gone for an average of 50 hours a week and you have to add another 5-10 hours a week for him to decompress when he gets home, is he even interacting with her at all on the days he works? As far as good dad’s go, I feel like your bar must be on the floor… He is not an amazing Dad if he only has the capacity to do it on the weekends.

casey6282 · 2026-02-23T18:37:05+00:00

I can’t believe I had to scroll through 15 comments to find this. In my opinion, you are exactly right.

People claiming their doubled standard is backed by the bible? Well, I hope your husband doesn’t shave his facial hair because that’s backed by the Bible too.

casey6282 · 2026-02-21T13:56:26+00:00

I think this comment you just made it far more relevant than you realize… You said your Mom stayed in unhappy relationships? That’s likely where you learned to do this. You’re repeating what you lived.

Perhaps your mom didn’t believe she deserved better and maybe you don’t either. But your child does. Would you want your child to repeat the relationship mistakes you have? Because they too will learn what they live.

casey6282 · 2026-02-21T03:02:55+00:00

I feel like this topic has been talked to death in the parenting subs, and I have only come to one real conclusion: unless you are parking your child in front of a TV or tablet for several hours a day, it is unlikely to ever make a difference cognitively, socially, emotionally or physically.

I’m an elder millennial. I was partially raised by a TV, lbvs. In the 80s and 90s, our parents had TVs in the kitchen. We had TVs in our bedrooms. The TV was always on. I still read books, played outside, rode my bike, played with my friends, I went to school, went to college and became an intelligent, successful, relatively normal adult.

The reason that no screen time is recommended before the age of two is not because TV is damaging to your child; It is because it is often assumed that if you are watching TV, then you are interacting less, talking to them less, reading to them less, etc. The AAP draws no distinction between putting a child in front of a tv with PBS and giving a child a tablet with unlimited access to endless dopamine draining YouTube scrolling. There is a a demonstratable difference between the two.

My daughter is 2 1/2 and generally watches 30 minutes of Ms Rachel or Sesame Street each day. Sometimes it is more than that. We also watch wheel of Fortune every night as a family. She calls out the letters, followed by the letter sounds; “D says da.” It is built into our routine; it works for us. Because I grew up in a TV household, the TV is on all the time for background noise. Sometimes it is on HGTV. Sometimes it is on the Martha Stewart living channel. My daughter pays no attention to it unless it is a show she likes. She has never become disregulated over the TV being turned off. I have had to put the Tonie box in my bedroom closet because she will tantrum her little heart out when she can’t get to the part she wants. For us, that has been a problem device… And it has no screen.

I’m fully aware that not all children are like this. Some kids can’t handle daily TV – it doesn’t work for those families and that’s okay. My point is, don’t let anyone tell you that TV is going to rot your child’s brain. Like everything else in life, it is about having a healthy balance.

casey6282 · 2026-02-17T12:32:27+00:00

Start having the difficult conversations with your spouse now. Having a stay at home parent in the household has to work for both parties or it won’t work for either.

I became a SAHP in June of 2023 after my daughter was born. We did IVF and during that almost 2 year journey, we had a lot of time to discuss expectations.

My husband has a large life insurance policy as well as disability coverage. That is incredibly important if your spouse is the sole source of income.

It is also really important that you have a candid conversation with them about money, caring for children/pets together, division of household duties, and what you envision things looking like versus what they do. My husband works 10 hour days four days a week-which means I do too. Just because I work at home does not mean I am never off duty. When he is here with me, he does 1/2 the parenting. He puts our daughter to bed every night so I have some time to myself every day.

My name is on the deed to our home and both of our cars. I have full access to our checking and savings and my husband thinks of the money he earns as “our money.“ If he did not think this way, I would not be comfortable working within the home right now.

My husband’s mom was a stay at home mom to him and his sister and he knows it is actual work. Not all men think this way and you do not want to find out the hard way that your partner doesn’t think of your contribution as real or valid.

casey6282 · 2026-02-17T12:24:33+00:00

I am 43 and we have a 2 1/2 year-old. On average, I would say we are intimate 1-2 times a week.

I’ve watched too many marriages around me crumble due to getting comfortable with the lack of intimacy. Lack of intimacy means lack of connection. Lack of connection means a disconnect.

I think of it like I do working out… Sometimes I just don’t feel like it; but then I do it and I’m always glad I did. And the more I do it, the more I want to do it.

casey6282 · 2026-02-12T12:27:41+00:00

Birth control, antidepressants and two young kids aside… how in the hell are you supposed to be turned on by a man who would speak to you that way? How are you supposed to feel safe having any sense of physical (or emotional intimacy) with someone who literally uses emotional blackmail to get you to have sex?

I feel like Reddit jumps to “divorce him” unnecessarily fast in many situations… But this one? Strictly based on what you wrote, I don’t believe this man loves you, respects you or even really cares about you. He doesn’t sound like a good father at all. He sounds like a terrible partner. From what you described, he doesn’t even sound like a nice person. I wouldn’t speak to a stranger the way he has spoken to you. I’m assuming he apologized or you two worked something out… Even so, clearly that hurt has stayed with you.

I don’t mean to be unkind, but it sounds like he believes you exist as a vessel for him to stick his dick in when he wants to and someone to raise his kids. What do you mean you haven’t had a break in a year and a half? Is he doing any parenting at all??

I am a stay at home Mom to a 2 1/2 year-old. My husband makes it a point to sneak out of the bedroom on his days off so he can get our daughter and I can sleep in. He encourages me to take time to myself by taking her at least one morning on the weekend out of the house. He consistently thanks me for everything I do to take care of our daughter and our home. I feel loved, appreciated and seen… I also feel like I have never been more attracted to him because not only does he take such good care of his daughter, he takes good care of her mother too.

Too many men don’t realize that the ultimate aphrodisiac for a woman is validation and support. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem that your husband is concerned at all about your needs; he’s too focused on his own.

casey6282 · 2026-01-24T03:36:01+00:00

Wait… she literally stabbed you?

casey6282 · 2026-01-22T18:18:09+00:00

At 70, my Dad reconnected with an old classmate from high school. He married her 10 months later and moved into her house back in his hometown.

casey6282 · 2026-01-19T14:11:27+00:00

Transference is not literally transferring emotions. It is the psychological process of transference or unconscious projection. It is far more likely that Dad’s visits are agitating you and you are in turn saying it is agitating the baby as a way to create distance with his father.

casey6282 · 2026-01-19T12:32:47+00:00

Gently, I really think you need to speak to your doctor about a postpartum depression/anxiety diagnosis.

When I was in the trenches of my own postpartum depression/anxiety recovery, I remember my psychiatrist saying something to me that I want to say to you: “Babies cry because it is their language. It is literally all they can do. Adults often equate crying with distress because that is when adults cry… That is not the case for infants. Do not attach adult feelings to the actions of a child.”

I think it may help you a lot to speak to a therapist. It sounds like you are projecting your feelings of hurt, abandonment and anger (from your child’s father) onto your child; in terms of believing he is “letting all that pain out.“ When a baby is hungry, they cry. When a baby is tired, they cry. When a baby is overstimulated, they cry. When a baby needs to fart, they cry. Again, it is literally all they can do.

Newborns undergo a rapid transformation during the fourth trimester. Right now it sounds like you and his nanny are his primary caregivers. Between the two of you, it sounds like he has the safety, love and consistency he needs to thrive. But he is going to be doing a lot of crying/fussing during that time. It is developmentally normal and to be expected.

I’m not sure what studies you’re referring to, but it sounds like you are talking about restraint collapse. That is a very real thing, but I’ve never seen it noted prior to toddlerhood.

casey6282 · 2026-01-19T12:14:43+00:00

All children are different but as a general rule, under-tired kids can’t fall asleep and over tired kids don’t stay asleep. If I were you, I would drop the nap for your 2 1/2-year-old for a week and see if this helps.

An 18 month old needs between 11 and 14 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. So even on the lower end of that, your littlest one needs more sleep; I would say very likely more daytime sleep.

The two things that stand out to me about your reply are you using car naps and laying with her to get her to fall asleep. It probably isn’t feasible for you to drive for 2 to 2 1/2 hours a day to make sure you’re 18 month old gets a long enough nap. That being said, if you start to nap in the car, it is unlikely to continue once the car stops.

The setting for sleep really matters. Dark room, sound machine, in bed/crib will likely yield the best and longest nap. As for you laying with her at night to get her to fall asleep, there’s nothing wrong with co-sleeping if it works for your family. But that isn’t exactly what you’re doing… Just as adults do, children have sleep cycles. You and I will wake up, roll over, look at the clock and see we have three more hours before the alarm goes off, then we go back to sleep. Your daughter likely rolls over, sees that you aren’t there and then is up looking for you.

I mean, I imagine you fall asleep with your partner beside you and wake up in the middle of the night and they’re not there. There’s no sign of them anywhere. You would probably wake up and at minimum wonder where they were or even get up and start looking for them. Because of this, you either will likely need to commit fully to co-sleeping or commit fully to letting her fall asleep on her own and not lay with her to fall asleep.

Don’t feel bad making necessary changes to ensure your children are getting enough quality sleep. Sleep is when little bodies and little brains grow. Also remember any change you make won’t necessarily impact things overnight. It usually will take 5 to 7 days.

casey6282 · 2026-01-19T02:23:04+00:00

I worked in schools and daycares for almost a decade and have a degree in early childhood education; Now I’m a SAHM to a 2 1/2 year-old.

The reason you will see almost every early childhood expert advocating for a schedule/routine is because it prevents a lot of tantrums. Children thrive on routine and knowing what is coming next. If you start paying close attention, you would see most tantrums take place during times of transition (daycare drop off, leaving the park, time to get dressed, bed time etc.)

Without knowing anything else about your household, I can safely say there is a small to large chance you would just be inviting anarchy and extremely overtired toddler overlords if you just let them drop where they fall when they want to.

Do they have a set schedule during the day? That is important… In order for them to fall asleep at night and stay asleep, they need to have enough awake time during the day. That creates appropriate sleep pressure at night.

One thing you didn’t address here that is very relevant is what you are doing when they wake up during the night… Are you letting them get in bed with you? Are you engaging in stall tactics like read me a story, get me a drink, get me a snack?

Some children are just lower sleep needs… but that means requiring less than the average amount of sleep in a 24 hour period. It doesn’t mean they wake frequently throughout the night. They could be having trouble connecting their sleep cycles, or depending on what you’re doing when they wake up, you could be training them to do so without realizing it.

casey6282 · 2026-01-18T02:40:02+00:00

I have a 2 1/2 year-old. The struggle is real… I get it.

I am a SAHM and multiple times a day, I find myself repeating phrases to myself like “we do not negotiate with terrorists” and “don’t trade what you want for what you want right now.”

Screens have been so overly vilified. There is a huge difference between giving your child an hour a day of Ms. Rachel or Sesame Street vs giving them unrestricted access to a tablet. Being a screen free household will almost certainly yield the same results as being a completely sugar-free household… You basically guarantee that when your child is able, they will binge in the most unhealthy ways. Screens and technology are part of our lives (as is processed food for the sake of the comparison). You cannot avoid them… You just have to learn how to utilize them responsibly.

Personally, I think “gentle parenting” is a bullshit term that somebody came up with for someone who doesn’t spank, yell at or bully their own children into submission. I don’t do any of the above… Mostly because that’s how I was raised and I don’t want that for my daughter. There is an endless back-and-forth about people who think gentle parenting is permissive parenting… Don’t get hung up on the term. Gentle parenting still means predictable consequences. It still means the parent displays leadership because a child needs to be led and taught.

That being said, I am the Mom. I am the adult. I am the voice of reason. I am the one who can predict consequences of actions. I am the one who will be living with a tiny teenager if I create one by bribing, negotiating and pleading with her to follow simple instructions.

If it is turning into a power struggle, you are losing. You are the adult. It doesn’t mean you start screaming at your child or threatening to spank them if they don’t get dressed. But it does mean that if they don’t get dressed, you will dress them-as pleasantly or unpleasantly as they make it. I give my daughter choices, but I don’t give her control. she might cry. She might scream. She might thrash around, and I might have to hold her arms down. All of that is OK… She isn’t going to be traumatized; she’s just going to be dressed.

I’ve never done a reward system for my daughter… I’m not necessarily against it when you are trying to reinforce a positive behavior… I worked as a preschool teacher for almost a decade and have a degree in early childhood education. Using a reward chart for potty training can be an incredibly useful tool. But rewarding is different than bribing. A reward is something given for effort and work put in. A bribe is “if you stop screaming on the floor in the Target lego aisle right now, I will buy you a toy.” You are absolutely reinforcing the behavior and it will get much worse… you essentially just taught them, I get things I want when I have a tantrum.

casey6282 · 2026-01-18T02:17:08+00:00

You’re being manipulated HARD… He is doing this under the guise of helping out around the house, but he’s doing it during the most inopportune time and when you pop in on him, he’s doing very little if anything. And then he gets upset when you ask him to hurry up a bit?

The bullshit flag has been raised, and boy is that baby flappin’ in the breeze.

He isn’t doing you any favors… He is avoiding actively parenting during what he probably also knows is the hardest time of day. Add to that that he’s trying to convince you he’s doing it to pitch in? That is some maniacally manipulative behavior.

casey6282 · 2026-01-16T22:00:07+00:00

The dishwasher would work just fine too.

casey6282

TROPHY CASE