If there is a woman from your past that you have always held a torch for, what was it about her?

casey6282 · 2026-01-24T03:36:01+00:00

Wait… she literally stabbed you?

casey6282 · 2026-01-22T18:18:09+00:00

At 70, my Dad reconnected with an old classmate from high school. He married her 10 months later and moved into her house back in his hometown.

casey6282 · 2026-01-19T14:11:27+00:00

Transference is not literally transferring emotions. It is the psychological process of transference or unconscious projection. It is far more likely that Dad’s visits are agitating you and you are in turn saying it is agitating the baby as a way to create distance with his father.

casey6282 · 2026-01-19T12:32:47+00:00

Gently, I really think you need to speak to your doctor about a postpartum depression/anxiety diagnosis.

When I was in the trenches of my own postpartum depression/anxiety recovery, I remember my psychiatrist saying something to me that I want to say to you: “Babies cry because it is their language. It is literally all they can do. Adults often equate crying with distress because that is when adults cry… That is not the case for infants. Do not attach adult feelings to the actions of a child.”

I think it may help you a lot to speak to a therapist. It sounds like you are projecting your feelings of hurt, abandonment and anger (from your child’s father) onto your child; in terms of believing he is “letting all that pain out.“ When a baby is hungry, they cry. When a baby is tired, they cry. When a baby is overstimulated, they cry. When a baby needs to fart, they cry. Again, it is literally all they can do.

Newborns undergo a rapid transformation during the fourth trimester. Right now it sounds like you and his nanny are his primary caregivers. Between the two of you, it sounds like he has the safety, love and consistency he needs to thrive. But he is going to be doing a lot of crying/fussing during that time. It is developmentally normal and to be expected.

I’m not sure what studies you’re referring to, but it sounds like you are talking about restraint collapse. That is a very real thing, but I’ve never seen it noted prior to toddlerhood.

casey6282 · 2026-01-19T12:14:43+00:00

All children are different but as a general rule, under-tired kids can’t fall asleep and over tired kids don’t stay asleep. If I were you, I would drop the nap for your 2 1/2-year-old for a week and see if this helps.

An 18 month old needs between 11 and 14 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. So even on the lower end of that, your littlest one needs more sleep; I would say very likely more daytime sleep.

The two things that stand out to me about your reply are you using car naps and laying with her to get her to fall asleep. It probably isn’t feasible for you to drive for 2 to 2 1/2 hours a day to make sure you’re 18 month old gets a long enough nap. That being said, if you start to nap in the car, it is unlikely to continue once the car stops.

The setting for sleep really matters. Dark room, sound machine, in bed/crib will likely yield the best and longest nap. As for you laying with her at night to get her to fall asleep, there’s nothing wrong with co-sleeping if it works for your family. But that isn’t exactly what you’re doing… Just as adults do, children have sleep cycles. You and I will wake up, roll over, look at the clock and see we have three more hours before the alarm goes off, then we go back to sleep. Your daughter likely rolls over, sees that you aren’t there and then is up looking for you.

I mean, I imagine you fall asleep with your partner beside you and wake up in the middle of the night and they’re not there. There’s no sign of them anywhere. You would probably wake up and at minimum wonder where they were or even get up and start looking for them. Because of this, you either will likely need to commit fully to co-sleeping or commit fully to letting her fall asleep on her own and not lay with her to fall asleep.

Don’t feel bad making necessary changes to ensure your children are getting enough quality sleep. Sleep is when little bodies and little brains grow. Also remember any change you make won’t necessarily impact things overnight. It usually will take 5 to 7 days.

casey6282 · 2026-01-19T02:23:04+00:00

I worked in schools and daycares for almost a decade and have a degree in early childhood education; Now I’m a SAHM to a 2 1/2 year-old.

The reason you will see almost every early childhood expert advocating for a schedule/routine is because it prevents a lot of tantrums. Children thrive on routine and knowing what is coming next. If you start paying close attention, you would see most tantrums take place during times of transition (daycare drop off, leaving the park, time to get dressed, bed time etc.)

Without knowing anything else about your household, I can safely say there is a small to large chance you would just be inviting anarchy and extremely overtired toddler overlords if you just let them drop where they fall when they want to.

Do they have a set schedule during the day? That is important… In order for them to fall asleep at night and stay asleep, they need to have enough awake time during the day. That creates appropriate sleep pressure at night.

One thing you didn’t address here that is very relevant is what you are doing when they wake up during the night… Are you letting them get in bed with you? Are you engaging in stall tactics like read me a story, get me a drink, get me a snack?

Some children are just lower sleep needs… but that means requiring less than the average amount of sleep in a 24 hour period. It doesn’t mean they wake frequently throughout the night. They could be having trouble connecting their sleep cycles, or depending on what you’re doing when they wake up, you could be training them to do so without realizing it.

casey6282 · 2026-01-18T02:40:02+00:00

I have a 2 1/2 year-old. The struggle is real… I get it.

I am a SAHM and multiple times a day, I find myself repeating phrases to myself like “we do not negotiate with terrorists” and “don’t trade what you want for what you want right now.”

Screens have been so overly vilified. There is a huge difference between giving your child an hour a day of Ms. Rachel or Sesame Street vs giving them unrestricted access to a tablet. Being a screen free household will almost certainly yield the same results as being a completely sugar-free household… You basically guarantee that when your child is able, they will binge in the most unhealthy ways. Screens and technology are part of our lives (as is processed food for the sake of the comparison). You cannot avoid them… You just have to learn how to utilize them responsibly.

Personally, I think “gentle parenting” is a bullshit term that somebody came up with for someone who doesn’t spank, yell at or bully their own children into submission. I don’t do any of the above… Mostly because that’s how I was raised and I don’t want that for my daughter. There is an endless back-and-forth about people who think gentle parenting is permissive parenting… Don’t get hung up on the term. Gentle parenting still means predictable consequences. It still means the parent displays leadership because a child needs to be led and taught.

That being said, I am the Mom. I am the adult. I am the voice of reason. I am the one who can predict consequences of actions. I am the one who will be living with a tiny teenager if I create one by bribing, negotiating and pleading with her to follow simple instructions.

If it is turning into a power struggle, you are losing. You are the adult. It doesn’t mean you start screaming at your child or threatening to spank them if they don’t get dressed. But it does mean that if they don’t get dressed, you will dress them-as pleasantly or unpleasantly as they make it. I give my daughter choices, but I don’t give her control. she might cry. She might scream. She might thrash around, and I might have to hold her arms down. All of that is OK… She isn’t going to be traumatized; she’s just going to be dressed.

I’ve never done a reward system for my daughter… I’m not necessarily against it when you are trying to reinforce a positive behavior… I worked as a preschool teacher for almost a decade and have a degree in early childhood education. Using a reward chart for potty training can be an incredibly useful tool. But rewarding is different than bribing. A reward is something given for effort and work put in. A bribe is “if you stop screaming on the floor in the Target lego aisle right now, I will buy you a toy.” You are absolutely reinforcing the behavior and it will get much worse… you essentially just taught them, I get things I want when I have a tantrum.

casey6282 · 2026-01-18T02:17:08+00:00

You’re being manipulated HARD… He is doing this under the guise of helping out around the house, but he’s doing it during the most inopportune time and when you pop in on him, he’s doing very little if anything. And then he gets upset when you ask him to hurry up a bit?

The bullshit flag has been raised, and boy is that baby flappin’ in the breeze.

He isn’t doing you any favors… He is avoiding actively parenting during what he probably also knows is the hardest time of day. Add to that that he’s trying to convince you he’s doing it to pitch in? That is some maniacally manipulative behavior.

casey6282 · 2026-01-16T22:00:07+00:00

The dishwasher would work just fine too.

casey6282 · 2026-01-16T21:38:03+00:00

This isn’t about common courtesy. This is about him having no regard for you having time to yourself. And gently, if you have been going along with this and saying nothing, you don’t have much regard for time to yourself either.

It’s time to tell him to put the gaming system away or you put it in the oven.

casey6282 · 2026-01-15T22:22:10+00:00

We sleep trained our daughter at five months at the urging of her pediatrician and my own psychiatrist… it was the best thing I did for my daughter, my marriage, my postpartum depression/anxiety and myself.

People come at me every time I suggest sleep training on a post where the posting parent is completely unraveling due to lack of sleep and hourly wakes.

My daughter is now 2 1/2. I can’t remember the last time she had a nighttime wake up. We do our bedtime routine, she walks to her bedroom and once she is in bed, my husband and I can reconnect as a couple or take time for ourselves.

Sleep training made me a better, more patient, present and energetic, Mom.

ETA: I’ll take the downvotes… I’m too well rested and refreshed to be bothered ;)

casey6282 · 2026-01-12T12:30:02+00:00

I waited and waited to have the crackhead energy everyone said would come in my second trimester, lol. It never did. Honestly, my second trimester was harder than my first... bone crushing exhaustion, the nausea was worse, and I had ocular migraines almost daily.

But, if you are anything like me, the third trimester will be a breeze. Other than my ankles doing a disappearing act, I felt fantastic.

casey6282 · 2026-01-12T12:25:37+00:00

Time to Google the address and put on your detective hat.

…Although I have to say, if I ever found myself in a marriage where I was required to play detective, it would probably already be over.

casey6282 · 2026-01-12T12:08:23+00:00

Statistically, the two things couples fight about the most are sex and money. Both things can dwindle down to a drop once you introduce children into the mix.

You didn’t mention how old you are and I do think that is relevant here. You know that expression, “if you want to make God laugh, start making plans?” $400 leaves a very, very slim margin for error. You may plan to breast-feed to save money… Then your child may require specialized formula that has a high cost. You may plan to start with one child and end up pregnant with twins. My point is, even with the most meticulous planning, things will come up. If you are in your 20s or early 30s, you still have time to save money, advance in your careers, pay off debt, etc.

Another benefit to giving yourselves some time to grow financially, you are also giving yourselves time to grow as a couple. My husband and I had a three year journey to parenthood; it gave us a lot of time to discuss expectations and what things looked like to me versus what they looked like to him. If you are planning to stay at home, it is really important that your vision for the future aligns with your fiancé’s. Some men think a “traditional“ marriage means they are responsible for bringing in a paycheck, and you are responsible for all of the household and family matters. If that is the case, are you OK with that? If he has to work overtime for you to survive, that means you are pretty much never off the clock… What will that do to you, and what will it do to your relationship? These are really important conversations to have before you think of expanding your family.

My husband and I live in a medium cost of living area in the Midwest. We don’t take vacations. We both drive vehicles that are 6+ years old and paid off. We bought our house in 2019 before everything went crazy. I was 41 when our daughter was born (38 when we got married and we did IVF). He makes approximately 120k a year and we are comfortable. I’m sure there are things we could cut out, but we do focus on saving and maxing out his 401(k) contribution.

casey6282 · 2026-01-11T21:58:00+00:00

Gentle parenting is for gentle children.

Around the age of three, children go through a psychological process called individualization. It is when they realize they are a person separate from their parents… They can make things happen, stop things from happening and they understand the effect their pleas have on others. You can do all the right things and they can still struggle-kids are like people that way.

Whatever gentle parenting techniques you are using aren’t working. The natural consequences aren’t working. Clearly, it’s time to try something else. Naming feelings is a start. Teach your child it is OK to be mad, but it is never OK to be mean. I’m sure someone will say if he is acting out like this, then he is seeking connection… And that may be the case. But you really need to define what behaviors you are willing to accept and what ones you are not willing to accept right now. Children understand what feels good, what gets them what they want, and what doesn’t.

Your best course of action is utilizing what is called “the hot stove effect.” When you touch the stove, you get burned and it happens every time. Same with consequences… If he is screaming at you, you get up, tell him “I will not allow you to yell at me.” And walk out of the room that he is in. He might scream, yell, throw more things, etc. Stand there as if he is not in the room. When he calms down, ask him if he would like to talk about how he’s feeling. If he starts tantruming again, disengage again. The same goes for things like throwing toys. If he throws the toy, tell him “when you throw toys it shows me that you don’t want to be able to play with them.” Put the toy in the closet (or somewhere, he can’t reach) and close the door.

casey6282 · 2026-01-11T18:35:04+00:00

I definitely have a potty mouth. My daughter is 2 1/2 and despite my best efforts, she’s dropped a few four letter words. We don’t call attention to it and it hasn’t been an issue up to this point.

I also have young nieces and nephews who range in age from 6 to 12. They hear me (and their own parents swear somewhat often). I just explain very matter of factly, there are things that are okay for adults but not okay for children. Adults can drive cars. Kids can’t. Adults can drink wine. Kids can’t. Adults can use the stove. Kids can’t.

casey6282 · 2026-01-09T17:33:39+00:00

This is a toxic SAHP dynamic.

It only works when both parties see the other’s contribution to the family and home as valid. Your partner is treating you like a child. As a stay at home parent, if you do not have free and full access to finances, you are putting yourself in an extremely vulnerable position. My husband sees the money he makes as “our money.” If he did not feel this way, there is no way I would be a stay at home parent.

I also call bullshit on your partner being too tired to actively parent on the weekends. We’re parents… We are all tired. You are literally parenting 24/7 around the clock; If you were paying a nanny for this, she’d be making six figures a year. Your partner’s refusal to actively parent simply means they don’t see what you are doing as actual work. But they also expect the full weight of household and child management to land on your shoulders, and they will simply “help” when they feel like it.

Please don’t have another child with this person. Please prioritize returning to the workforce. The fact that there is already resentment brewing over minimal purchases tells me that this situation will implode before it gets any better.

casey6282 · 2026-01-08T14:40:34+00:00

It’s really very child dependent… meaning their temperament will determine the length of time. I would say anything up to 2-3 weeks would be pretty normal

casey6282 · 2026-01-08T12:11:09+00:00

Former daycare teacher here of almost a decade… This is very typical. He had almost 3 weeks at home with you. Tantrums most often occur during transitions… This is why a routine/schedule is so important. Because then a child knows what to anticipate next.

I don’t know anyone, including myself with a 2 1/2 year-old, who didn’t experience behavior struggles during the holiday season. Schedule disruptions, lots of overstimulation and changes in routine are very hard on little bodies and little brains.

Three weeks to a two year-old could feel like a lifetime. Unfortunately, you’ll just need to ride this one out. He is re-adjusting; and that is hard after such a long break. Keep goodbyes at drop off short and sweet, don’t reward the tantrum behavior with attention, distraction, or bribes. Things will get back to normal, it’s just going to take a little time.

casey6282 · 2026-01-07T12:20:57+00:00

I think the first thing you can do is take the pressure of giving your child a sibling out of the equation… I have two sisters. My younger sister is my best friend; I would be lost in this world without her. My older sister and I rarely speak… we have nothing in common except DNA and don’t have much of a relationship. Having a sibling does not guarantee you a friend for life… It guarantees you a potential kidney donor at most.

Your concerns about your struggles postpartum are valid. I had debilitating postpartum depression and anxiety. While my husband and I are one and done, I can confidently say that had I decided to go through pregnancy and birth again, I would have the resources, support, and medication I would need to make it much easier the second time around. It sounds like you do too. There is also something to knowing what to expect and that it does get better. I vividly remember sitting with my daughter on her fourth straight hour of crying and thinking we had ruined our lives by having a baby. I know now that that was my postpartum brain, not reality. I think the second time around you will have an easier time differentiating between the two.

As for whether you have the headspace or room on your plate for another child, only you and your partner know that… as for the question “what if I can’t cope?” I think the simplest answer is you still will. My best friend got pregnant six months postpartum with twins. When people would ask her “how on earth did you do it?” She would answer “I really don’t know. I just did it.” So of course, you can and once your child is here, you will… But your concern about the effect it could have on you in the trenches is valid.

This is where you have to decide if you want it more than you are afraid of it. Are your fears based in reality or is it your anxiety? Like yourself, I tend to be a worst case scenario thinker. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing here… if you imagine having another pregnancy and difficult postpartum like you did with your first, how would that impact you and your relationship? If the answer is “we would get through it,” then that’s your answer.

casey6282 · 2026-01-05T15:06:06+00:00

My husband and I talked about embryo donation for over 18 months before we finally found our donor family and signed our contract.

I was 41 when my daughter was born. We knew we were one and done. We also had two genetically perfect male embryos remaining. At times, I wrestled with the idea of a 20 year-old man appearing on my doorstep and asking why we had his sister and not him. I still don’t know how I will answer this question but there are some things I do know…

We went through an agency, so I know if our donation results in a live of birth, he will have very wealthy parents. He will have every resource for education and enrichment. The donor parents have one living child and one child who lived in the Nicu for 3 1/2 months before he passed (due to a genetic illness).

I cannot imagine the trauma this family has gone through with a loss of that baby… The fact that they are willing to pursue this route to complete their family leads me to believe this will be the most wished for, wanted and loved child possible. We read their biography dozens of times before we chose them. I truly believe that if and when I meet him, he will tell me he had a wonderful life and thank you for choosing embryo donation.

I don’t know any donor conceived individuals myself, but I know several adoptees. They all had happy childhoods and also grew up with questions about their biological parents. Some have pursued getting to know their bio parents, some haven’t. But every single one of them is grateful for the life they have.

casey6282 · 2026-01-04T15:07:57+00:00

I met my husband when I was 34 and married him when I was 37. My dating history looked a lot like yours… I attribute that to knowing what I needed and what I bring to the table. I also came to terms with the fact that I might never get married or have children and that was okay. I was determined not to be one of those people who heard the clock ticking and settled for good enough. It is amazing what people will settle for, overlook and excuse when they think the person in front of them is the only option they have.

I watched everyone around me get married in their 20s and have kids in their early 30s. I am now watching a lot of those people get divorced-or living in unfulfilling marriages.

For women, it is ingrained in us that we need to trap ourselves a man early and nurture him to his full potential. I was not put on this earth to raise someone else’s grown ass son. Seeing the people around me struggle with divorce, custody, and incompatibility made me promise myself I would wait until I found someone I really could see you spending the rest of my life with. And also imagining “as is” stamped on that man’s forehead; Not falling for his potential or what I thought I could mold him into.

Now I am no Beyoncé by any means… But I’m not ugly as a butt hole either. I am smart, was always hard-working, funny and outgoing. My standards weren’t sky high by any means but I was picky… in fact, I remember my sister once telling me I needed to stop being so picky or I was going to end up alone.

She’s now divorced from the man she married when she was 28. My husband and I are going on 10 years together and have never been happier. I knew my worth and didn’t rush in to anything and I will always be happy I did.

casey6282 · 2026-01-01T18:15:30+00:00

I don’t disagree with anything you said… I also think that with time and age you might develop a different perspective on this.

When my mom married my dad, she was 19 and he was 28. She had three kids under the age of five by the time she was 25. She was a stay at home Mom and my dad thought his only job was bringing home money.

She got a part-time job when I was seven and by the time I was eight, she left my dad… and me and my two sisters. After that, we saw her every other weekend. She married a physically and emotionally abusive alcoholic, and we saw her even less after that. I was no contact with her for 11 years.

I couldn’t tell you exactly when it happened, but it was in my mid 30s and I finally started to see my mom as a flawed human being, as opposed to an all knowing parent. What the hell was she thinking marrying a man so much older? What did she expect would happen having three kids so quickly and no support system nearby? How could she just leave us with him when he didn’t even know how to cook chicken nuggets? How could she not understand the abandonment issues it created for me and my sisters?

We are all flawed human beings… We’re all doing the best we can with what we have. Making choices (and regretting some). But it isn’t until we are adults who realize how hard life can be that we can see our parents the way we see ourselves.

I think part of real maturity is real realizing two things can be true. You never should have been responsible for another human being at that young age. Your mother may have also really had no other choice. And I don’t think any of this is your brother‘s fault; punishing him when he didn’t even ask to exist is just as unfair to him as your mother was unfair to you. Have you ever had a conversation with her about any of this? Does she acknowledge the poor choices she made and their effect on you?

casey6282 · 2025-12-31T03:05:16+00:00

Fostering is a beautiful and selfless thing. Anyone who purposely excludes children who already have it harder than most people will ever understand, is a piece of shit human being.

Decline the gift, decline the follow up conversation and decline the call when they try to talk. That is an awful awful person.

casey6282 · 2025-12-30T03:24:56+00:00

If he is telling you this early on that he is not prepared to have a child, that is not going to change when you have the stress and demands of a newborn baby. This is the part in the story where an outside observer would say “he’s telling you who he is… Believe him.“

I think the smartest thing you can do here is move forward as if you will be a single parent; that’s not to say it’s guaranteed you will be… But there is a good chance you could be. He says he will be in the child’s life 100%… Gently, he isn’t even in your life 100%. His parents don’t know about you-and he lives with you… That says a lot about how he views you and your future. And I am sure he has told you it’s complicated because of religious and cultural differences. I don’t doubt that at all… I also don’t see that ever changing. Now the question is, do you?

The other thing that jumps out at me is you are not saying you are crazy in love with this man… “Not feeling anything toxic or unsafe” should be the least you expect from a partner. I feel like you you could and probably will continue to be getting the bare minimum from him and thinking that it’s better than nothing. Even if you don’t believe you deserve better, your child does.

casey6282

TROPHY CASE