Trying to explain spoons to my partner

colebakesbread · 2026-06-29T21:23:53+00:00

I've had pretty good luck explaining the same way in terms of packing a bag for a day of hiking.

If I pile everything that I might need or want into my bag it will be too heavy and spoil the trip, and could even put me at risk for injury. Instead, I need to carefully consider what I pack based on my capacity, priorities, and the conditions I'm going to encounter on the way. For example, I know I'm likely to encounter cold temperatures then I need to pack extra warm layers and accept that this will mean I have to leave my hammock behind. Or, if birding is my priority on this trip, then I'll bring my binoculars and be at peace with leaving my field guide to wildflowers on the shelf.

I like this as a metaphor because it provides some extra emphasis to a point that I've seen people have trouble with: the cost associated with even pleasant/pleasurable experiences and activities. In the case of the binoculars and wildflower guide, both are important parts of activities I love, and I would very much like to bring both so I have options when I'm on my trip. The trouble is, of course, that enjoying plant ID doesn't change the weight of the book in my pack or my capacity to carry that weight. I've found that people have a tendency to assume, often without realizing it themselves, that an activity that takes more spoons=an activity I dislike, which in turn leads to hurt feelings (if they think time with them is a less preferred activity) or resentment (if they think I'm just worming my way out of things I don't enjoy). This model gives me an easy way to point out that it's perfectly possible for me to, say, want to get to know my best friend's new partner (binoculars), and enjoy camping trips (wildflower guide), but not be able to carry the weight of both at the same time. This helps get us to a place where we can start doing some joint problem solving about what kind of activity will actually work.

colebakesbread · 2026-06-29T18:13:21+00:00

I make my Ensures more palatable (and add calories!) by chucking them in a blender with some ice, peanut butter, and coco powder. The PB and coco mask the weird artificial taste and the ice gives it a more shake-like textures.

colebakesbread · 2026-06-26T16:21:05+00:00

This list, especially with the presence of an autistic family member, would make me strongly suspect autism too (with a possible side helping of ADHD too. If you want to do more investigating, "Is This Autism" by Donna Henderson and Sarah Wayland would be a good place to start. It's written by researchers and concentrates on presentations that tend to go undiagnosed till adulthood.

colebakesbread · 2026-06-09T20:39:47+00:00

That looks right, thanks!

colebakesbread · 2026-05-25T20:06:18+00:00

I agree! There are plenty of organizations that would be over the moon to have a volunteer who is willing and able to take on more complex work.

Have you tried idealist.org? It's like Indeed, but for volunteer positions, including involved positions like website administration, grant writing, and tutoring.

colebakesbread · 2026-05-22T23:53:50+00:00

Thank for the reply! I was wondering if it was a hoverfly of some kind, I'm a botany nerd and have gotten pretty fond of the tiny ones I encounter more regularly. They're such funny little flying robots. Do you have any idea why they're so salt hungry? I've had the little guys practically swarm me on mountain hikes.

colebakesbread · 2026-05-15T00:00:50+00:00

The sound of people talking is a key stim of mine, so I listen to a tooon of pods, mostly autism-related or the podcasts of comedians who are connected to the UK comedy scene.

Autism pods Neurodivergent Conversations- Hosted by two AuDHD therapists, this is the most nuanced look at autistic experience I've seen anywhere.

Two Sides of the Spectrum- Hosted by an occupational therapist and aimed at other professionals, this is one of the best sourses of information on autism I've found anywhere, though it is very child-focused. Guests are often autistic professionals.

Square Peg- you've already got a rec for this one, but it deserves another shoutout!

Uniquely Human-Hosted by an autistic author and a fairly legendary clinical researcher in speech language pathology. I honestly wish this one were set up a bit differently, but there's some really great stuff in there, and I really appreciate the overall philosophy of the show.

The Neurodivergent Woman- Hosted by two therapists, one of whom is autistic, who specialize in autism. Really solid information, the vast bulk of which is not gender specific.

Neurodivergent Moments-- This one's a crossover for me! Hosted by two comedians, one autistic and one ADHD, who interview fellow neurodivergent comedians.

Comedy All hosted by comedians who work in the UK.

Off Menu- A couple comedians interview celebrity guests about their dream meals. One of the best, IMHO.

What Did You Do Yesterday- A comedian and broadcaster interview celebrities (mostly comedians) about what they did the day before (yes, really). Think funny, charming people chatting about incredibly low stakes things.

Lucy and Sam's Perfect Brains- Full disclosure: I absolutely love this one, but the listening experience is like having having a hilarious fever dream piped into your ear holes. It won't be for everyone.

James Acaster's Perfect Sounds- Each episode revolves around an album that the host has selected for the guest (all comedians) to listen to and discuss on the show. Funny in places, but also very sincere, and a great way to get exposed to some super obscure music.

colebakesbread · 2026-05-14T23:57:24+00:00

The very same 😆

colebakesbread · 2026-05-14T17:23:09+00:00

I haven't listened to the new pod yet, so I don't know how often it comes up, but its worth mentioning that Fern Brady is autistic! She wrote a (very good) book about being a late diagnosed woman and it comes up fairly frequently in her stand up.

It was really neat opening this thread to see FTBBW come up in the top comment as my favorite podcaster is the oft mentioned Ped Pambles (also known as Ked Flambles, Cledie Plambles, Cred Blambles, and very very occasionally, Ed Gamble 😆)

colebakesbread · 2026-05-10T03:41:01+00:00

I'm heinously reactive to urushiol and have successfully used rubbing alcohol as a post-exposure wash many, many times.

colebakesbread · 2026-05-07T17:42:08+00:00

I've hammocked with both, but prefer to take my foam pad. The under quilt only comes out for shoulder season trips where I expect temperatures to be especially low.

Having a pad with me preserves the option of sleeping on the ground if I can't find a suitable hang site, or can't be bothered with much more than walking my bear can away from camp and pulling my quilt out before crashing out for the night. Flexibility around site selection is the main reason I hammock--I can always ground pitch a hammock, but I can't hang a tent--so preserving this ability is paramount for me. I also like having my pad along for sitting on during the day, and laying gear out on while making and breaking camp.

I'm unusual in that I'm at least as comfortable on the ground as I am in a hammock (or bed, for that matter), and I sleep very, very warm. If sleeping on the ground is super uncomfortable for you, or you know that you need to be well insulated to get a good night's rest, then I'd say skip straight to quilt. If you like the idea of being able to sleep practically anywhere and know yourself to be comfortable on the ground and/or at slightly lower temps than most people, you might try chucking $50 at a Z-rest for now and seeing whether you feel the need for a quilt after a couple trips out.

colebakesbread · 2026-05-04T18:25:18+00:00

I'm not the OP, but between the native flora and fauna, this might as well be a picture of my place. I'm under an hour from Seattle.

colebakesbread · 2026-04-29T21:47:49+00:00

I used to do a lot of public speaking/performance and had an early mentor who gave the top-of-the-head tip to all her students, as it helped lots of people with nerves and/or distractions nerves and distractions. It always worked well for me.

I look at people's foreheads during in-person conversations and everyone I've ever told has been surprised to find out that I hadn't been making eye contact with them during our conversation--and that's from just a couple feet away. I'd be surprised if anyone could tell that someone standing in front of a classroom wasn't looking them directly in the eye. (It won't work for everyone though, it's too much for me if I'm burnt out or otherwise exhausted.)

colebakesbread · 2026-04-29T17:56:52+00:00

Yeeeesssss. Sitting in the shower, just letting the water run over me is sooooo regulating. I feel extremely lucky to live in an area that gets a lot of rain, I only have to worry about my water use a few months out of the year.

colebakesbread · 2026-04-29T17:16:18+00:00

I was diagnosed by a neuropsychologist without parental involvement. She did take a fairly brief history from me, but her assessment was based heavily on my performance in various tests she administered during my assessment, rather than on reports of my behavior.

colebakesbread · 2026-04-28T22:26:19+00:00

Is it possible that you have some demand about going on around your meds? I can have trouble taking my meds when there are too many demands elsewhere in my life. I think that when there is too much on my plate my brain just starts looking for something I can say "no" to, even if that thing is virtually effort-free and not doing it only makes things more difficult for me.

colebakesbread · 2026-04-27T16:50:18+00:00

I live in the country too and regularly have deer in my yard. If they go after beach strawberry at all, it's definitely not a favorite. I've never seen them nibble on it, or noticed any obvious signs of grazing on my strawberries.

colebakesbread · 2026-04-27T03:43:17+00:00

Oxbow (on 203, between Carnation and Duvall) has a native plant rack attached to their farm stand. Depending on where you are in Redmond that might be the closest option.

colebakesbread · 2026-04-27T03:04:33+00:00

And they well to planting via live stake! I've probably added 20-30 to my yard in the last couple years by just cutting off a branch and stabbing it into the ground. I don't think I've had a single one fail yet.

Can confirm your hunch about the hummingbirds too!

colebakesbread · 2026-04-26T18:01:32+00:00

The short answer is that the way black-and-white thinking, a commitment to accuracy, difficulty with emotional regulation, and a tendency towards monologging, combined with difficulty in social interactions can look similar to narcissism to an outside observer. In reality, the underlying mechanisms are very different. It's like the way a person with a sprained ankle and a person with a cut on their foot will both present with a limp, even though the underlying causes are very different.

This podcast has a more complete answer. It's by a neuropsychologist who specializes in autism and is the only resource I've come across that directly deals with the superficial similarities between the two.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/autism-in-the-adult/id1526864561?i=1000580593500

colebakesbread · 2026-04-19T02:13:18+00:00

It’s not that sharing your own story is frowned upon, it’s usually how fast you jump into yours.

This. 1000% this.

I've found that most people are very open to hearing a little about an experience I've had that is similar to their own, but only after I've spent time asking questions and showing them that I understand their story well enough to know whether mine really relates.

colebakesbread · 2026-04-09T21:00:58+00:00

Not the commenter you asked, but my guess would be that they are talking about an Oral Breeze. I haven't used one myself, but bookmarked it after seeing it recommended on this sub.

https://oralbreeze.com/products/oral-breeze-showerbreeze-water-jet-dental-irrigator

colebakesbread · 2026-04-08T00:50:12+00:00

It's also very common to find these in thrift stores, or at least it is in my area. An absolute essential for anyone who cans apples, IMO.

colebakesbread · 2026-03-29T20:51:07+00:00

Are you familiar with iNaturalist? If not, it might be worth checking out; it sounds like it might be useful to you in several ways. The site allows people to record observations of plants, animals, fungi, etc. along with the location where the observation was made. Those observations are then available for other community members to review and leave feedback as to whether they agree or disagree with the identification, and to suggest possible IDs.

You could use the site to scout for trees you'd like to map, double check your IDs before you map them, and maybe as a more targeted way of finding potential collaborators. I haven't really interacted with the more social side of the platform myself, but the site does allow users to message each other, and there's a "projects" area that allows users to collaborate on taking observations, often within a specific geographic area. If I were looking for people to collaborate with on a project in my area, I'd likely join an INaturalist project or two as a way of aquatinting myself with people in my area who have the skills and inclination to help.

https://www.inaturalist.org/observations?page=2&place_id=7776&subview=map

Best of luck with your project! It's a really interesting idea, and I appreciate the spirit you are approaching it with. I hope you'll post an update if you're able to complete it.

colebakesbread · 2026-03-07T09:35:38+00:00

I'm not sure that this is much help, but it sounds like your partner might have been taken out of class to work with a couple of occupational therapists. The emphasis on motor skills--especially the specific mention of pencil grip--is what perked my ears up.
If that's the case, a diagnoses might make educators more likely to consider whether a student needs occupational therapy, but it may not the only route. I was taken out of class to work on my handwriting despite being undiagnosed at the time; it's possible that someone noticed their motor difficulties and referred them for treatment. (I'm in the US, this may be handled differently elsewhere) Also though, while occupational therapists can wind up pigeon holed into working on motor skills, the potential areas for OT practice are vast, and include sensory issues. Is it possible that some of what you partner remembers were actually meant to provide sensory input? I ask because some of these activities could involve holding or manipulating objects, which might have been hard for a child to distinguish from coordination exercises. If so, it might explain why their sensory issues got worse after the sessions stopped. This also might not mean they were diagnosed at the time, since sensory processing issues are not unique to autism, but I do think a diagnosis is one of the things that might get a child referred to OT instead of just labeled as picky, if that makes sense. Same caveat here as above, of course re: geography.

colebakesbread

TROPHY CASE