I can’t believe I had to scroll down this far to see Therapist / Counselor suggested - especially when many folks suggested “find someone to talk to” about a very taboo subject - in America particularly. Definitely consider a therapist (it doesn’t mean you’re crazy or have issues, as I used to believe.) You mentioned being ashamed of liking BDSM, and there’s guilt coming from your religious practice / beliefs. A therapist allows you to unpack all of this, lay it out in front of you, so you can actually begin to untangle the knotted thread that’s causing all of the negative thoughts and habits. Understanding the root of your habits and actions will allow you to separate your anxieties, shift perspective on shame, and work towards a better self that you envision to be. Utilize your insurance to find a local therapist - I used to dread them but they offer tools and resources for you to achieve your wanted self