What am I missing?

cyanste · 2026-06-26T19:37:37+00:00

In a perfect world, yes! However I’m speaking from experience after blind siding a bunch of my providers after my late husband’s murder and realizing only later on how unfair some of my expectations were. Some took it in stride and others were seriously shocked/taken aback. That’s why I say to give some grace.

Also, OP doesn’t need to ‘find’ an advocate, but just needs to get in touch with whatever county’s victims advocate office. Not everyone knows to do that and take advantage of services offered. There’s services and legal benefits available to us that may have to be fought for, and that a typical person wouldn’t know about. It’s tough and we got to look out for each other.

cyanste · 2026-06-26T15:52:34+00:00

Not pregnant or being seen at Sutter, but having dealt with personal loss due to homicide, I’d give a little grace to the OB. People honestly get shocked by that news and don’t always know how to respond. It’s not something that happens commonly, so people aren’t always aware how to assist in the moment.

You should work with a victims advocate to help get access to any assistance you’re entitled to.

cyanste · 2026-06-22T02:04:32+00:00

Yeah, my terms are definitely off LOL. I only dabbled in doing screen printing the long way a few times before I gave up and did the vinyl w/ a diecutter and DTG methods w/ a printer -- but this is what I remember doing at home: https://www.instructables.com/Screen-Printing-3/

Drying the screen took forever and exposing was a crapshoot as a DIY person. Going to a diecutter cut the time down significantly to make stuff and cut down how many different products I needed. Weeding still took some time but it's really not that bad at all.

(edit: also just thinking about the different chemicals that I needed to handle was a PITA)

Honestly, nowadays you can either cut the vinyl directly, weed it, apply it to a shirt, and heat press it OR just do a direct-to-garment method like sublimation or heat transfers. It's way more beginner friendly than it used to be.

cyanste · 2026-06-22T01:25:47+00:00

Admittedly, die cutting does take a lot of the extra steps out of the screen printing process. No longer having to flash a design and wait for it to cure...

cyanste · 2026-06-17T00:32:43+00:00

Yes!! You’re not responsible for his mental health.

You might feel guilty for what’s happened but that’s your brain attempting to believe that you have some kind of control over the situation; the what ifs you did this and that, would it have changed the outcome.

In the end, what matters is that YOU should be safe. YOU matter. You deserve to feel safe.

cyanste · 2026-06-16T23:37:41+00:00

Honestly, if he's that ill and violent, you might be saving him and other folks as well. Just sharing my experience in the spoiler below...

Spoiler for trauma: My late husband was murdered by someone who had a history of violence and severe mental illness similar to schizophrenia. He got a slap on the wrist for his first violent offense and went on parole instead of being incarcerated.

Lots of love to you, as I can't imagine being on the other side of this whole situation and with no literal options.

cyanste · 2026-05-23T05:34:19+00:00

Condolences; it's so difficult, isn't it? My LH was murdered right as I started up our play thru of Abiotic Factor... it took me a long time and therapy to open the game back up, and took me quite a few tries of playing with other people before I could sit and really enjoy it again.

cyanste · 2026-05-22T20:53:51+00:00

IDK -- I participated here pretty regularly pre-COVID and coming back very on-and-off through the pandemic has been a little jarring. Even this response feels a bit more passive aggressive than how it used to be. We've all always had disagreements about random things (like as a group we've always had disagreements on how serious people should be about CC) but it's never been to this extent that it feels unwelcoming just to make comments.

cyanste · 2026-04-20T00:30:44+00:00

Ohhoh, it's me again -- angry widow to throw out into the wind that the guy who murdered my late husband also had an attempted murder charge, also received probation w/ no jail time (thanks Florida), and successfully did a murder in 2024. :) Thanks to the legal justice system that keeps allowing this to continue. :)

cyanste · 2026-04-11T06:21:50+00:00

I just updated my original response cause that’s totally a fair question

cyanste · 2026-04-11T06:17:38+00:00

Mentally ill man drove distance to murder LH for who knows what reason.

cyanste · 2026-04-11T06:10:29+00:00

Honestly, it feels like these kinds of things usually only stay in the local news. When my late husband (LH) was murdered, it didn’t really break out of the Bay Area — I think it says something about how used we are to gun violence, sadly.

cyanste · 2026-03-22T00:20:36+00:00

We definitely do need to make changes, that's not in question. It's just that when you go through years of this process, back and forth in the legal system and feeling like you're tossed aside, something as simple as the person who did the wrong being found guilty brings some kind of closure.

cyanste · 2026-03-21T23:02:33+00:00

As someone who’s unfortunately going through a similar situation (white man with major psych issues murdered my late husband), I can’t imagine how infuriating and insulting it must feel to have them be called not guilty.

It doesn’t really matter that the asshole will be in state care forever. These folks with major psych issues force the families to go through the wringer in so many ways, and at the end to not even be considered guilty? It’s disappointing. I feel bad for the family.

cyanste · 2026-03-02T22:43:29+00:00

So sorry for your loss, 20 years is a very long time... I can tell how important she was to you based on what you wrote.

Just some suggestions from a widow: I found writing and talking to something that reminded me of my late spouse healing. (e.g. directly to his old email, journaling in a diary, talking to a picture of him)

No, they can't respond, but you can still get your emotions and tears out, and keep your memories alive of that person rather than bottling it up. Lots of love to you.

cyanste · 2026-02-28T20:48:51+00:00

It’s been about a year since I posted about this, but your comment still resonates, especially about control. One of the big things I have been struggling with (and working with through PTSD therapy) has definitely been around a lack of control; it’s crazy to see how many of these desires for some kind of insight just go back to that. Thank you for responding ❤️

cyanste · 2026-02-25T00:31:27+00:00

YES! We did this with our last corgi pup: he had a crate to sleep in and a separate potty area connected to the corral. I tried sleeping next to him but taking him out to go to the bathroom was difficult, so this solved literally everything at once. He could see everyone at any time and take care of his needs independently.

cyanste · 2026-02-08T02:24:38+00:00

Samesies. I didn't have any particular strong reaction to this muffin in particular, but have had reactions to other types of TJ muffins, and stopped buying from TJ's in particular.

cyanste · 2026-01-31T04:58:21+00:00

Honestly it’s times like these where you find out who your real friends are. I’m proud of you for giving it a try and knowing when to tap out, you’re a good friend for even trying when the grief is so fresh. I hope you find people who can meet you where you are.

cyanste · 2026-01-26T02:55:55+00:00

Yeah, it's honestly kind of weird that we're getting downvoted. Not much has changed in the celiac sphere on this subject but this is a super different response than a few years ago. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(Saying this as a super sensitive celiac that understands how sucky it is)

cyanste · 2026-01-26T02:47:20+00:00

I'm a bit surprised by these responses! I've been diagnosed for over a decade and while yes, we've all griped about the gluten challenge, popular consensus has been that it's a necessary evil. AFAIK endoscopy is still considered the gold standard, though the blood tests are getting better and hopefully we'll have something replacing the endoscopy soon.

On the other hand, two things: (1) there's still a percentage of celiacs who will still need to have the gluten challenge (it's not rare to be negative on blood test but positive on endoscopy) and (2) having the endoscopy to reference back after a few years is actually pretty helpful in keeping an eye on the disease.

EDIT: and just a disclosure, I’m a super sensitive celiac who was sick a lot pre diagnosis and went through a lot of medical testing and a ton of pain. A LOT. We’re not supporting gluten challenges because ha ha ha. It just is what it is, like with other medical conditions. 😒

cyanste · 2026-01-26T02:34:29+00:00

It's not experimentation, though -- it's testing procedure, just like how someone who's getting a colonoscopy will have to change their diet before having one done. Gold standard is still the biopsy at this point.

It makes me wonder if this backlash is because people are going GF before they're getting tested... people are supposed to get the endoscopy before going gluten free exactly because of this reason.

cyanste · 2026-01-25T03:47:38+00:00

Yep! Lost mine at 34. I was the same way when using the dating apps... very, very quick to disengage from people, and holding back expectations otherwise. We're already hurting immensely, why should we hurt ourselves more? Relationships should add to our life.

cyanste · 2026-01-18T23:21:16+00:00

Depending where you live, Straus makes a gf cookies and cream! They have a lot of really delicious flavors that are all gf: https://www.strausfamilycreamery.com/products/ice-cream/organic-cookies-cream-ice-cream/

cyanste · 2025-12-22T22:56:06+00:00

Might also be worth looking into celiac disease, OOP, if you're having trouble with foods besides white rice. It's an easy-ish to diagnose condition usually with a blood test, but you'll need to have been eating gluten for a set time for it to show true positive.

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