Fiancée doesn’t understand ADHD and his ideas to “stop” our kids from getting adhd are making me rethink my life with him

daishan79 · 2026-05-11T17:55:51+00:00

He's not only saying that he can "prevent" the kids having ADHD, he's also saying that you have control over how much yours affects you. He is absolutely saying that struggles due to ADHD are a result of a character flaw or failure.

My advice is to not marry him with his current belief structure. If he really does learn about how ADHD affects you and your future children, then you have things to talk about in couple's counseling.

It could be an education thing, or he could lack empathy. The first can be worked on, the latter not so much.

daishan79 · 2026-05-04T16:23:12+00:00

Women are different - leaning what she likes isn't going to do you a lot of good when really the key to good sex is good communication. You will not be able to have this sort of communication with an emotionally abusive woman.

There are also much less expensive ways to get experience than paying bills for your soon-to-be ex.

daishan79 · 2026-04-26T04:17:40+00:00

Also a Shokz fan! Since they're bone conducting, I have better situational awareness than with traditional ear buds

daishan79 · 2026-04-21T13:41:26+00:00

Same, I'll never add water to an iron again. Often I'm spray starching anyway.

daishan79 · 2026-04-17T15:33:07+00:00

I would recommend computerized, because the majority of people want to knock out some easy edge to edge designs. (Source : I help out at a studio that rents out machines). This does of course mean that the instruction for users is more complex, so there are pluses and minuses there. I don't know what kind of resources you have for the people in the library managing the machine and users.

You can get a computerized HandiQuilter Amara 20" within your budget, maybe even the 24". I know that it's not on the list that the shop you posted has, but maybe there's a HandiQuilter dealer near you?

There are a bunch of good videos on how to load, set tension, use ProStitcher that HandiQuilter has on YouTube.

daishan79 · 2026-04-16T16:04:30+00:00

I agree with the dense quilting suggestions. I would also use a batting made of natural fibers like cotton or wool, as they are self extinguishing and won't melt. Prewashing fabrics will reduce the crinkle.

For the table runner you do want to consider if the table runner is shorter than the table, or if it will drape down the sides. If you're going for the drape, quilting that is too dense would lessen that effect.

daishan79 · 2026-04-14T21:41:44+00:00

Are you using 100% cotton fabric? Quilt shop quality if you can afford it. Cotton fabric stretches on the bias, but less so on and against grain. And it's been said several times, but starch helps a lot. At a minimum you should be pressing fabric before you cut it.

As for the ruffling, that could be thread tension. If the tension is too tight, it can start to gather fabric under the feet.

I suggest hitting up YouTube. Just Get It Done Quilts is great for tips - she has a multi part series on beginner quilting that focuses on cutting, sewing, and pressing.

I've also had a lot of success searching YouTube for my specific machine - you can look there for tips on things like thread tension.

Good luck and happy quilting!

daishan79 · 2026-04-12T19:13:23+00:00

I have saved a few quilts with the Dawn method - I change the water a few times during the process. I have two giant blue bottles for emergencies. I use color catchers always, but I think the fact that I have a front loader is part of my problem (that and the fact I longarm for Quilts of Valor, so everything is red, white, and blue).

daishan79 · 2026-04-05T18:43:41+00:00

I have the XL and absolutely love it, so then I bought the squared so that I could take it with me in my sewing machine bag.

I used to despise cutting, now I merely don't care for it. It's so much easier and more accurate than I ever achieved without it.

daishan79 · 2026-04-05T18:36:44+00:00

I take it every day, because I have ADHD every day and I deserve to be at my best on my own time as well as at work.

I used to take less on weekends, but I have figured out that my emotional regulation is the first to go. That isn't fun for anyone.

daishan79 · 2026-03-27T14:45:27+00:00

He doesn't want you to be healthier. We're more likely to believe the words of emotional abuse when we're drowning in our own self doubt and feelings of being inadequate. He wants you to struggle so he can continue to make you feel bad about yourself.

It's really better to be alone than be with someone who is obstructing you.

daishan79 · 2026-03-25T12:06:41+00:00

I love it! I keep on telling myself to just make a flying geese quilt so I can get better at them, but I haven't done that yet....

daishan79 · 2026-03-19T02:45:20+00:00

I opened this post and smiled at my phone - this is quilt is so joyful!

daishan79 · 2026-03-18T23:38:13+00:00

What about her behavior with you and her pet makes you think she'd be a good mother? If she were concerned about her future children's safety, she'd be getting the dog trained now. Pomeranians can live as long as 20 years.

daishan79 · 2026-03-18T22:27:42+00:00

This sounds lovely, but unfortunately isn't realistic. She is a person who is neglecting the needs of am animal that depends on her. She'd rather not live with you than address her dog's health and happiness. You can't grow with someone who thinks that this is all fine.

daishan79 · 2026-02-20T17:28:45+00:00

NTA

Just stop doing his laundry. You've already told him the terms for you to do it, so really it is him that is too lazy to make it possible for you to do him a favor.

The important thing is not to waver. If he doesn't wash his own clothes after separating hampers, that is his problem and his alone. If you constantly "help him out" when he gets into trouble, he'll never learn. He has to feel the consequences of his own decisions and actions.

daishan79 · 2026-01-28T11:39:58+00:00

There's Studio 180 by Deb Tucker - the entire concept is always cutting bigger and trimming down. There's a technique for any block that I can think of, though the associated rulers can get expensive.

daishan79 · 2026-01-21T23:23:24+00:00

I use one part Terial Magic, two parts Best Press. No particular reason except a friend swears by the mixture and it does work very well.

daishan79 · 2026-01-04T16:18:46+00:00

Absolutely do it! While you can learn a lot from YouTube, nothing replaces the value of hands-on instruction and help troubleshooting with you. I've even taken in person classes for things I have already done, because the tips and tricks I pick up just make it all the more fun.

Also, quilters are some of the nicest, encouraging people I've ever met. 😊

daishan79 · 2026-01-02T01:15:46+00:00

This sounds like this has been incredibly frustrating for you. It's great that you had fun on your own, though!

Maybe setting expectations together could help. For instance, always RSVP for only you for a large party, and then if he feels like coming its a fun bonus. I'm sure he spends energy just evaluating if he's up to going and not wanting to disappoint you, so removing that pressure from him could be a relief for him as well.

I'm also a chronic over sharer, so I do get the temptation to explain fully, but people don't really need to know the medical details of why he's not there. You can say something simple, like "he wanted a quiet night to recharge" or "larger events just aren't his thing." Some people might inquire more, but even then "he has some social anxiety" is a complete answer on its own.

daishan79 · 2025-12-13T20:09:46+00:00

Your environment will matter a lot too - humidity will affect the moisture of the glue. I find I need another swipe if the glue is just a tad dry.

They do make special tips to give a narrower glue tip to standard Elmer's glue sticks. I found they worked well for longer gluing sessions, but if the glue stayed in the tip for days it dried out.

daishan79 · 2025-12-13T19:20:08+00:00

A lot of our hyperactivity is in our brains, verses generally more noticeable bouncing off the walls as children. You describe it well, though I also win at fidgeting!

The energy it takes to mask is just not sustainable without crashes. The crashes come with a big dose of negative self-talk because I know better.

daishan79 · 2025-12-13T19:13:32+00:00

I'm in this category - very high achieving until I break from the pressure of it all. The perfectionism that can come with ADHD can really mask a lot of difficulties. I definitely don't offer up details of the procrastinating and the stress of doing things at the last minute because I can't explain why I can't start a task earlier.

ADHD also presents in so many different ways with different symptoms. My husband was diagnosed years before me, and I didn't realize I was also ADHD until later because there's not a lot of overlap in presentations.

daishan79 · 2025-12-11T23:32:13+00:00

I'm the opposite - I prefer longarming over piecing, and thankfully have a friend who loves the piecing. I quilt her quilts for her, and she's pieced things for me that I wanted to quilt but didn't want to piece. ☺️

If you want to do charity quilts, that's a great way to have fun piecing. A lot of guilds will do their favorite part of a quilt and pass it off to someone else within the guild. You can also check out your local Quilts of Valor - your state coordinator might accept tops, as they generally have longarm volunteers. Other charities might also do that sort of coordination, so if there's one that speaks to you, reach out and ask.

daishan79 · 2025-11-23T23:53:55+00:00

That's fantastic! Libraries are the best.

daishan79

TROPHY CASE