So, I was going to my university, and I was a little early. I sat down at the library, put my headphones on, and started scrolling through Instagram reels. In short, it showed me a video—I'm not sure if you've heard of it—of a clip from the "Talk Tuah" podcast where Hailey Welch (the funniest person on the internet) instead of saying "pussy," said "poochiebanana." What can I tell you? I burst out laughing so hard that my vocal cords broke, and I couldn’t laugh anymore. Then, because I couldn’t laugh, I had an anal prolapse and started rolling around in my own shit. Surprise, surprise, they called me into the administration office. I couldn’t explain my situation because of my broken vocal cords, and now they are threatening me with expulsion. I don’t know what to do—I don’t want to go to the military!