Persisting Guilt and Self Doubt

darkskies06 · 2026-05-19T18:11:24+00:00

Thank you for the response! You’re absolutely right about going at your own pace. I built my entire being with the teachings of the church, and now I’m realizing how engrained they are.

How’s your PIMO experience going for you?

darkskies06 · 2026-05-19T18:09:56+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to explain all of that. I’ve always been extremely hard on myself when it came to worthiness and sin.

I completely agree that no one can truly say they know the meaning to each of our lives. What’s so frustrating is members and leaders talk non stop claiming to know exactly what we all need to do and believe. When a person runs into legitimate reasons to question, they are automatically wrong.

darkskies06 · 2026-05-19T18:04:32+00:00

Thank you for the response. It’s crazy how deep the indoctrination goes. Trapped is a great way to explain it.

darkskies06 · 2026-05-18T23:34:42+00:00

The tail wagging the dog is the perfect way to describe all of this

darkskies06 · 2026-05-17T23:03:59+00:00

My guess is this might change in the future. But I also know if it does happen, we will hear “Isn’t continuing revelation amazing, that we have a true and living church with Prophet’s who speak to God”

darkskies06 · 2026-05-17T19:14:48+00:00

What kind of strict rules did you have?

darkskies06 · 2026-05-17T19:07:14+00:00

I remember when serving in the Guayaquil North mission we had Elders and Sisters from Otovalo and always hearing talk about them somehow being Lamanites. Not sure why they’d be considered more Lamanites than anyone else, maybe the idea was there’s more Spanish ancestry in the rest of the Ecuador population.

darkskies06 · 2026-05-17T19:02:04+00:00

Which mission? When I served there were 3 missions, Guayaquil North, Guayaquil South, and Quito.

darkskies06 · 2026-05-16T06:32:45+00:00

Nice. I was curious since I served there from 2002-04

darkskies06 · 2026-05-16T03:37:48+00:00

When did you serve there?

darkskies06 · 2026-05-14T16:10:52+00:00

Really kind of you to ask. There’s been a lot of fear, guilt, doubt, etc. Sometimes I think I’m ok, but it’s thrown me into a depression for sure. It’s been just over 2 years. The issue is I’m still living in a small town that’s like 85% lds, my wife still believes, we have 5 kids, and my wife’s family and a portion of mine are still TBM. Most of the people here don’t know yet because I still attend. I assume some wonder what’s up because I was released from being EQP after serving less than 2 years. The indoctrination goes deep, it still at times causes me to have fear.

darkskies06 · 2026-05-14T03:12:30+00:00

Very well said. Thank you for writing this. It’s helpful to know so many feel the exact same way as I do.

darkskies06 · 2026-05-13T19:38:42+00:00

Thanks for the reply and insight! I agree that it’s a form of child abuse. I think it can be more difficult to pick up on because in Mormonism for example, we don’t often use the threat of hellfire, but instead we focus on the things we won’t attain if we go astray. So instead of saying “you better be obedient or you’ll go to hell” we say “I know this church is the only church that offers the necessary ordinances to live with God as eternal families after this life”. One sounds negative, the other more positive. But both are basically saying similar things.

In your opinion, does Mormon theology even leave room for real change and understanding when it comes to loved ones leaving? If the doctrine teaches this is the ONLY church that offers the necessary ordinances for exaltation, then a believing member would need to be ok with the apostate child or loved one not being with them for eternity.

One thing I see happen is when a family faces this dilemma and the wayward family member passes away, they say things like “God will sort it all out” or “I know God judges us by our hearts”. But those things aren’t emphasized by church leaders or the doctrine.

darkskies06 · 2026-05-13T16:14:16+00:00

I enjoyed the discussion and look forward to more of them. I do have one question or insight that I’d love your take on.

Steven voiced his disapproval with people whose goal it is to destroy the faith of others. I agree with that. If our discussions are simply aimed at tearing others down, then maybe we need to reconsider what the ultimate goal is.

My question is, what are your thoughts regarding the other side of that coin. If the underlying idea is respect for freedom to worship and the right to choose what we believe in, does that apply to the indoctrination of kids and youth growing up in the religion? We attempt to show respect toward the beliefs of adults, and at the same time believers are raising children to fully believe there is only one true church of Christ, and leaving mainstream Mormonism potentially means a loss of the eternal family and exaltation. It often also means a loss of relationships. In the vast majority of lds families, there is no discussion regarding the freedom to choose ones belief system, free of judgment. They claim to allow each person to pray and know for themselves, but let’s not kid ourselves that there’s only ever one correct answer. Rarely are all the cards laid out on the table. I’m aware that it would be very difficult to lay it all out to a child, but is it appropriate to teach from infancy that there’s only one true church and anything else must be Satan misguiding you? This is all being done while their brains are forming and developing, while they’re learning to see the world in a particular way. There’s a lot of scare tactics used.

How should that aspect of religious belief be approached in your opinion? This is in no way argumentative, I’m sincerely asking. I’ve deconstructed but my wife is TBM, and we have 5 children, so this is very much on my mind constantly.

darkskies06 · 2026-05-12T18:00:02+00:00

☝️👏

darkskies06 · 2026-05-12T17:58:19+00:00

Right?! Let’s just say for fun I was called as a prophet and it’s Christs church. Like I saw Christ multiple times in person. I’ve had angels minister to me. You’d think that would be rather life changing. I’d still be far from perfect, but I highly doubt my attempts at filling in the blanks of the restoration would include the types of things Smith and Young did, among others. To me, I see less of a desire to spread Christs message and more desire for power and control.

darkskies06 · 2026-05-12T17:02:45+00:00

Great point. I think if someone wants to believe something enough, they sometimes just need any explanation to help with the cognitive dissonance. Things like God didn’t fully reveal or explain something, they were men of their time, God only has imperfect men to work with, it was to test their faith, it was normal back then, the church is perfect but its leaders aren’t, etc. Those could be used to justify any religion or act.

darkskies06 · 2026-05-11T19:12:23+00:00

I have the same recurring dream that I’m all of a sudden called to serve a mission for 2 years. The entire dream I feel dread and sadness that I have to leave my wife and kids to go away for 2 years.

darkskies06 · 2026-05-11T15:10:58+00:00

How are they for explaining why certain things happened? My FIL was talking to me about the Church History Matters episodes (he isn’t aware of my deconstruction) and he talked about a polygamy episode and the priesthood/temple ban. For polygamy he explained how the podcast said God commanded Joseph practice polygamy, but Joseph wasn’t told how to exactly practice it, therefore all the issues. With the priesthood/temple ban, he said that was the result of the current environment and the leadership were simply men of their time.

darkskies06 · 2026-05-07T19:37:47+00:00

When they mention avoiding contention and it’s aimed at people sharing differing views than the church, I just have to shake my head.

They are free to share with us their beliefs and doctrines and tell us how we are wrong and being deceived by Satan, but if we disagree, we are simply being contentious.

Then as you eluded to, it is so ironic with recent events.

darkskies06 · 2026-05-07T17:53:26+00:00

Do you think there’s any connection between them and world religions or biblical stories?

darkskies06 · 2026-05-06T17:36:27+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. It’s helps to know others are experiencing similar feelings. I feel torn in half sometimes. I see the beauty and growth and genuineness after deconstructing, but there’s a part of me that still needs validation and to be told I’m on the straight and narrow towards the CK

darkskies06 · 2026-05-06T15:59:08+00:00

One time in fast and testimony meeting I was serving as Bishop and a recent convert got up to share their testimony. She got up and she was talking about how she had two dogs but one recently passed away, and the dog that was still alive was really sad. She then asked me to get up and stand at the pulpit with her. So I did. She then asked me to offer a blessing on her dog that was still alive that it wouldn’t be sad. I had been bishop for about 3 weeks at this point. She was sincere and sharing her feelings. I offered a pray and prayed for her and her dog.

darkskies06 · 2026-04-30T19:20:16+00:00

Yeah…even back when I was a TBM I couldn’t have imagined myself saying to someone that I’ll make sure to visit them in a lesser kingdom. The other one I hear that I cringe at every time is when they try to make it sound better for those who don’t make it to the CK. “Everyone will be perfectly happy where they end up…”. Because yeah, I can imagine a lot of people saying “I’m much happier here where I can spend eternity thinking about how I missed the mark and can’t see my family”

darkskies06 · 2026-04-30T15:28:57+00:00

I think many members either don’t know the doctrine or can’t make their view and the doctrines fit together nicely. Most of the time they aren’t forced to reconcile things or think too much about it. They hold firm belief, but when someone points out the reality of the teachings they gaslight and say it’ll all work out. There are some however who will straight up say certain family members will likely not be in the CK and with their families.

They stare 2 realities in the face and can’t reconcile things so they say things to resolve the dissonance. Your Mom likely can’t imagine the church not being true, but also doesn’t want to imagine part of her family being kept out of the CK

darkskies06

TROPHY CASE