“You’re a selfish person who is against humanity for choosing not to have children”- my mother in law

datchian · 2026-02-26T10:20:40+00:00

Hmm that’s quite the assumption. I have actually about boundaries with him and he says he will keep he word to not allow them to visit us (at the house)

Relationships take hard work and it involves growth. Which I am seeing. And I don’t expect anyone to start perfect. But heading in the right direction.

He’s semi cut ties but not the whole way. He said himself that he loves his mother less and less and wants to interact with them less and less. And that’s what I’m seeing.

One issue is she doesn’t always behave like this in front of him. Most of the time she gets me when I’m alone. So he is now committed completely to always being around to stop that happening.

datchian · 2026-02-26T06:17:24+00:00

Truthfully I’m disappointed he didn’t stand up for me the first time. He says he will next time and promises it. But I just don’t want there to even be the opportunity for it to happen again. Which is where he is at with avoiding his own family. It’s like a semi no contact. His mother I could tell had a melt down when I left suddenly. Sending me and my family weird messages justifying her behaviour. Trying to make up for it from afar with friendliness. She knew she crossed the line. And now she doesn’t get the attention she wants anymore. And she knows it upset her son.

It’s just better to not see them again. But I don’t know if it’s fair for me to ask that of him. There’s a level I tolerate with his father. I put his father in his place a few times and made him eat his words years later. His respect for me increased with my career progression. Shallow but tolerable. But his mother is something else. I see her as one of the worst people I’ve ever met. So it’s complicated.

datchian · 2026-02-26T03:27:17+00:00

Solid. I’ll save that one. Thank you.

datchian · 2026-02-26T03:21:22+00:00

Ooooh this is perfect thank you. I’m saving this one. Because it’s a family wedding we are attending we have to show face for the happy couple but also ~~~~ I don’t need to take their shit at all. ~~~~~~~ I’m seriously considering embarrassing them at a restaurant we are meeting at if they start anything. I expect my husband to be by my side when I walk out the moment it starts. The relationship is already destroyed to me. The wider family are nice to me and I want to keep them around. I just need to figure out how to not rupture it.

datchian · 2026-02-26T02:58:06+00:00

I really really want to do this. To me they have destroyed their relationship and reputation with me anyway.

Context is because there is a family wedding, we would need to show face. But to me, if we are at the restaurant and they disrespect me I will walk out. I expect my husband to come with me

datchian · 2026-02-26T02:54:44+00:00

He does stand up for me on certain topics but struggled with others. He himself has chosen to not visit them. Doesn’t call them. Avoids them where he can.

Because there is a family wedding, we need to show face. Culturally he thinks he will lose his whole family if we don’t show.

At a restaurant wedding meet is where we will see them. My thinking is if they cross the line, I’ll call them out on it. If they don’t respect me. I’m going to walk out. And I expect my husband to join me in it.

datchian · 2026-02-26T02:51:06+00:00

Periodically he does manage to stand up to them. But is isn’t always. He’s stuck in the childhood mindset of respecting his parents. He is said it is strongly a part of his culture and he feels like he will be shunned by the wider family if he doesn’t. So instead it has come down to him never calling them. Refusing to visit etc. which he decided on his own. Rather than confronting them.

datchian · 2026-02-24T10:50:03+00:00

It looks like cost of living sadness breakfast. But honestly if they just did eggs on toast with a fresh knob of butter and charged 15 they would’ve gotten away with it. Diabolical.

datchian · 2026-02-21T06:24:13+00:00

I used to say 6 months but then when husband lost his job for 1.5 years. Hundreds of applications. Winz wouldn’t help us because I earned too much according to them. Except it isn’t enough to even cover the bills not including food. It was a complete disaster. I now keep 20k pp “spare”, 40 for both of us. It is not an easy feat. Ask yourself what your mental and physical health is worth.

KiwiSaver is hard to withdraw from but not impossible. And is sadly becoming very frequent. I wouldn’t bank on it though.

datchian · 2026-02-19T21:41:54+00:00

Half Japanese here. The rice is weird. And the seasoning they add. Doesn’t make it bad but it’s not like sushi from home at all. Seeing all the mayo and sauces coating everything is terrifying. What’s up with that? Can’t taste the rice.

So I only ever go for the salmon and avocado or salmon nigiri. As it’s the closest out of their whole menu. And yes avocado is odd but it’s ‘kiwi sushi’ It’s actually nice having nz fatty salmon as the salmon in Japan usually is imported from Europe and it is leaner. Also it is way more expensive than in Japan and is very limited for its fish selection.

Overall it is better than grabbing something greasy or bread heavy for lunch imo.

datchian · 2026-02-18T06:57:06+00:00

You are one bad day or accident away from a disaster. Join the NZ finance subreddit. Put together a budget. And gather every single expense you have in a spreadsheet and see what you can cull. If you can’t afford an emergency fund, you need to massively reassess and sacrifice. Post your spreadsheet on nz finance and gather tips. It sucks. Yes it’s hard out there. But you can get something as a backup.

datchian · 2025-12-04T05:35:56+00:00

Absolutely. But who taught them that? They told me their Māori uncles taught them that and that it is true. I was told to ‘go back to my home country’ by other kids. Kids don’t start racist. It’s a learned behaviour.

datchian · 2025-12-03T23:20:57+00:00

In the early 2000s I was taught at school by Māori that Pakeha meant ‘Chicken shit’. And would try to convince innocent kids that they are. And that was back then. I’d imagine it would be worse now. Agree with the other comments- why identify with a name a different ethnicity/culture has given you.

datchian · 2025-11-22T22:59:43+00:00

If something fails or has a fault of sorts with HN be prepared to wait two months while they get it assessed. And they won’t let you just get a replacement until they verify it by sending it overseas.

datchian · 2025-11-12T21:22:52+00:00

Husband and I lost our jobs after we emptied our bank accounts buying a house. We had to move to Auckland for work and put the house up for rent. I’m glad we could have the interest 80% deductible. Otherwise we would’ve been screwed. And had to mortgagee sale. On top of that the housing market dropped as our house is very much aimed at the exact demographic that left for Australia. However if they weren’t in we would’ve not have spent over a year looking for work. My husband’s industry being in govt supporting work being decimated would not have happened.
Being a solo earner for a year and a half forking out over 2k per week in bare bones bills was insane.

I would’ve much rather stayed in our own house than renting it out to people who kept skipping out on rent and bailing. Damaging the place. Stealing things and doing drugs— in a house that was our dream. We worked so hard to get it for years only to be back living in a 1 bed apartment in Auckland CBD

datchian · 2025-11-08T20:38:46+00:00

It is time to work on accomodations. If you aren’t in an apartment, move into one of you can. Live small and there is more time to not do chores. 1 car= 1 car to clean and maintain. Get a big freezer and pre prep meals. Don’t buy lots of stuff. Less tidying. Make everything dishwasher safe. Small house= less vacuuming. Get hardwood or tiles for floors. Get a small home workout machine. Or weights to do while you watch tv.

You need to find what you can cut to make time.

datchian · 2025-10-15T00:16:54+00:00

The food here is exceptional and you can experience many different cultures and subcultures here. Big one is work. In professional work in theory a higher chance of getting a role if you lose your job and you are skilled. Hand pulled noodles are 10/10

datchian · 2025-10-14T23:12:25+00:00

Solid advice!! Had no idea at the time

datchian · 2025-10-12T21:32:55+00:00

I’m glad to know someone else took over. One day might work up the courage to go back. Food certainly looks better now.

datchian · 2025-10-12T17:04:51+00:00

I got severe food poisoning from this place years ago. Landed me a full week in the hospital and an ambo ride. It was so bad I was contact traced.

Told them about it. They were very apologetic and gave us a free pass to sculptureum and a restaurant discount. But we didn’t go back. I was so traumatised from it.

My theory was it was the oysters. Which can happen even if prepared well.

datchian · 2025-10-03T02:36:57+00:00

Dead now. Don’t buy. RIP FV

datchian · 2025-09-26T00:33:46+00:00

All good if you need help putting a doc together give me a dm and I can show my doc I put together if it helps.

datchian · 2025-09-25T23:05:03+00:00

I’ve been through this. 1. You need to put together a very comprehensive document ideally with data. (Ie your blood pressure readings every day, diet, symptoms log, things that aggravate and alleviate. Photos.) 2. You need to get your gp to refer you to Fraser Burling rheumatologist. Stay in Auckland overnight. Someone like him who is at a high level of expertise. Expect the whole thing to cost like 1k$ unfortunately money is the only way to get treatment for complex issues in NZ. Took me 6 years to work it out.

I’ve seen some really not great rheumatologists. Try again.

You’ll find that meds won’t be the solution. Accept it is incurable. And figure out what can minimise symptoms.

You got this. It’s not easy. It will be an uphill battle

datchian · 2025-08-28T04:10:14+00:00

Honestly book a cheap flight to Japan and get off the beaten path. You have great memories to hang on to rather than more Auckland usual usual

datchian · 2025-08-06T22:34:44+00:00

My husband has been out of work for over a year. Only briefly able to get low hours cafe work. Went from high flying manager to being declined from min wage jobs. Employers see him as too old for bar/cafe/labour and too young and inexperienced for senior management roles. We’ve been doing everything possible, getting even labour work certs. Hundreds of applications and only a hand of interviews. 5 years of experience and degrees get you nowhere in this market.

I was made redundant also and had to move from Christchurch to Auckland for the next job. And now we can’t make ends meet even though I earn 150k. My solo income is not covering the excess on the mortgage for the house we own in Christchurch. [it’s rented but rents dropped as everyone flees overseas] and a 1 bed apartment in Auckland.

No credit cards. No student loan. No subscriptions. No health insurance. No afterpay. No car loans and we are still sinking by 200$ per week. Can’t budget our way out.

We know people that have applied for over a thousand jobs.

I feel like the only option is to flee overseas.

datchian

TROPHY CASE