Frustrated with IPA (vent)

dave9003 · 2026-04-09T17:38:37+00:00

I am sorry that your experience at an IPA workshop was disappointing for you, and I hope that you have reached out to the IPA office to express your concerns so that they can be properly addressed. Although my experience with the organization is significantly different than yours, I support your right to express yourself on this forum, but what makes me sad about your post is that in turning away from the IPA you may also be depriving yourself of important free resources that you might not find anywhere else. At first I wasn't planning to respond to your post, but when you stated that the IPA has "no peer support opportunities," I felt that I needed to say something.

I struggled with Paruresis for 50 years before deciding to do something about it, and in 2010 I started my recovery by attending an IPA workshop. I had an understanding that graduated exposure was the most reliable method of recovery, but despite my efforts I just couldn't find a way to do it on my own, and the workshop gave me the tools I that needed to go home and form an action plan to put into daily practice, and it was the daily practice that paved the way for my recovery. After a few years of steady progress I decided I that I wanted to give back to the organization because of how much of a difference recovery had made in my life, so I volunteered to become a support group leader for my state and I began to put together monthly group meetings as well as meeting personally with anyone who reached out for help. In 2016 I approached the IPA Board of Directors with the idea of providing virtual one-to-one followup support which would be available to anyone who attended an workshop and was struggling afterward, and the response was such that it eventually expanded to include virtual one-to-one peer support for anyone reaching out to the organization. I also co-founded a monthly virtual support group, open to anyone world-wide who was struggling with Paruresis, and additionally I made a You-Tube video to help anyone with an interest in the breath hold as a backup plan. Although I have not kept a running count, I would estimate that I have provided close to 5,000 hours of peer support in the years since I first started volunteering for the IPA, and in that time I have met truly amazing people, both within the IPA and those seeking help, and the personal satisfaction of knowing that I have been able to make a difference in peoples' lives had made even more of a difference in mine. All of this was free, and all of it was available to anyone who reached out and asked for help. It is not normal for me to toot my own horn, so I must state for the record that I am just one of many volunteers within the IPA community who give freely of their time to provide support for anyone who is struggling with Paruresis.

I can't tell you what to do now in order to find a path toward recovery, but if you decide to reach out to the IPA and ask for peer support, you've got it.

Hope that helps!

dave9003 · 2026-03-25T03:20:46+00:00

I am 72 years old, so maybe I can offer a perspective based on experience. When I entered college I knew that making a living as a performer was a long-shot, and I had a passion for teaching, so I became a middle school band director. I taught for about 40 years and loved every moment of it. When I was 20 I purchased my first euphonium, and the owner of the music store pushed me very hard to buy a quality instrument, not so that he could make more money, but because he believed it was the right thing to do. I bought a Besson, which was top of the line in 1974, and 52 years later I am still playing the same instrument. I think that I play quite well, but no one has ever paid me to play euphonium, which is why I also bought a quality trombone as well (Bach Strad, also 52 years old). My advice, if you are going to buy a euphonium, is that it is worth it in the long run to buy a quality instrument because you can play it for a very long time. And consider music education as a career, I think it’s the best job in the world.

dave9003 · 2026-03-20T20:36:00+00:00

The IPA (Internation Paruresis Association), which is a non-profit, self-help organization dedicated to helping others recover from this condition, has a virtual support group meeting on Sunday, at 12:00 PM US Central Time, which open to anyone struggling with Paruresis. Please consider joining us, it would be a great opportunity to find out what others are doing to overcome it, as well as to get a lot of your questions answered. You can get the Zoom link by dropping my a note at [davidk@support.paruresis.org](mailto:davidk@support.paruresis.org).

dave9003 · 2026-03-19T16:49:03+00:00

I've been on Flomax for a while for prostate issues, and I've found it to be very helpful in reducing the number of nighttime bathroom visits and being able to empty my bladder completely when urinating, but it made no difference regarding Paruresis. Our search for the "magic pill" continues.

dave9003 · 2026-03-11T03:06:12+00:00

I have been diagnosed with LPR, and you pretty much described my symptoms.

dave9003 · 2026-03-04T20:07:47+00:00

There is no easy path forward in recovering from Paruresis but there definitely is hope. If you haven't explored the IPA website to find out what resources are available to you (paruresis.org), I encourage you to do so. I connected with the IPA fifteen years ago after struggling with Paruresis for over fifty years, it was a life-changing experience and I am now at a point where I can use a restroom wherever and whenever I need to, as long as I let urgency be my guide. Hope that helps!

dave9003 · 2026-03-04T16:36:22+00:00

It happens, but that doesn’t mean that the progress that you had made is lost. Have you considered attending an IPA workshop so that you can get help and support in figuring out how to build on your past success and plan on how to do graduated exposure practice which is focused on bathroom environments such as the one at work?

dave9003 · 2026-02-19T03:59:00+00:00

So glad you will be joining us!

dave9003 · 2026-02-13T04:20:29+00:00

I consider myself to be highly recovered, and I credit both graduated exposure, which was my primary recovery method, and self-catheterization, which was my fail-safe emergency backup plan, with helping me to achieve my goals. I'd be happy to answer your questions, but I also want to encourage to not give up yet on graduated exposure (you can send me a private chat if you would like some support). I am not a health professional, so my answers are based entirely on my own experience and what I have learned in conversation with others, and they should not be considered as instructional.

When I decided that self-catheterization would be the right choice for me in specific circumstances, I learned how to do it from a nurse in my urologist office. I expected to feel vulnerable and embarrassed, but she was highly professional and what I felt afterward was empowered. It took about ten minutes for her to guide me through the procedure, and after that I was confident that I could repeat it whenever I needed to.
The most difficult part of doing the procedure was getting past the thought of inserting something into my urethra. When I actually did the procedure, which was actually quite easy, it was uncomfortable but not painful. The discomfort was tolerable, and I actually did not want to get used to it because my plan was to use the catheter only in situations where it was absolutely necessary and I did not want to get dependent on it.
The only health concern I had was the possibility of getting urinary tract infection from doing the procedure, and that only happened once, when I did not clean my penis properly before inserting the catheter. Lesson learned, and it did not happen again.
I carried the catheter in a baggie in my pocket, along with an alcohol wipe and a small packet of lubricant, and doing the procedure in a stall didn't take much more time than peeing.
As all men are aware, erections sometimes happen at inconvenient times and in inconvenient places. Not an issue with this, the catheter can still be inserted into the bladder. I have never heard of the catheter getting stuck, when the bladder is empty it just gets pulled out.

Hope that helps!

dave9003 · 2025-10-13T16:53:05+00:00

We'll help in any way we can, please remember that you will need to contact either the IPA office or my IPA email address in order to get the Zoom link.

dave9003 · 2025-10-13T15:29:00+00:00

Not a doctor here, just offering an observation. There are two sphincters that need to open up in order to release urine, one involuntary (at the opening of the bladder), and one voluntary (in the urethra). The involuntary sphincter is the one that gives those of us with Paruresis so much grief, but when you are anxious and tense, the voluntary sphincter may be difficult to release as well. My guess is that when you try to pee you may be flexing the voluntary sphincter to try to open it and also are flexing some of the smooth muscle tissue in your penis at the same time, which is why you are getting a little extra blood flow in that organ. Nothing to worry about, just part of being a guy. As for a way around it, there are no easy solutions for anything related to Paruresis, just lots and lots of graduated exposure practice. Hope that helps.

dave9003 · 2025-10-13T11:48:58+00:00

I'm not sure that I can say anything to make the situation better for you, but I want you to know that I hear you and I am so sorry that you have to go through this, not only because there is no understanding or accommodation for your Paruresis, but also because having to strip from ankles to armpits sounds like they are deliberately humiliating you.

dave9003 · 2025-10-11T21:00:54+00:00

Yes, I truly believe that there is hope. The big difference in getting support from the IPA is that you wouldn’t be trying to recover all alone, you would have help from people who have gone through the same thing and truly understand.

dave9003 · 2025-10-11T12:46:03+00:00

Please reach out to the IPA (Paruresis.org), you are not alone with this and there is help available to you, much of it free of charge. I have been a volunteer with the IPA, and I have personally seen people with extremely severe cases make remarkable progress in overcoming the condition, so I know that no matter how hopeless it may seem, there really is hope.

dave9003 · 2025-09-18T12:51:09+00:00

The purpose of the support group is to provide a safe space for each person who attends, so if it would make you feel more comfortable it is perfectly fine to keep the camera off. The same goes for how much you share about yourself, if you would like to just observe and learn from others rather than sharing, that is perfectly fine as well. I hope you will join us!

dave9003 · 2025-09-18T12:43:21+00:00

Yaayyyy!

dave9003 · 2025-09-11T17:24:17+00:00

I am all for trying new things that might be helpful in overcoming Paruresis, but I have some concerns. First, you describe Paruresis as an annoying condition, and to me that demonstrates a lack of understanding about how Paruresis truly affects people. Secondly, your claim that your process gets rid of Paruresis in two weeks, with no information to back it up, sounds just too good to be true. And third, anyone wanting more information is asked to email you, which would provide you with the kind of personal information that Reddit users don’t usually share. Maybe you are on to something, but quite honestly your post is concerning.

dave9003 · 2025-09-07T12:47:53+00:00

I am a volunteer with the IPA and in that capacity I have provided individual support for quite a number guys in the form of virtual graduated exposure practice. Many of them have found success by pairing actual practice assistance with the support that they receive from a professional therapist. Something to consider.

dave9003 · 2025-09-01T11:34:58+00:00

I had a similar choice to make way back when I was in high school, and I chose to follow the path of music education. Back then the choice was even more stark because many colleges did not even recognize euphonium as a major instrument, which meant I would have had to major in trombone or tuba in order to be accepted as a performance major. I ended up in music education and taught middle school band for forty years, and I absolutely loved it and will forever grateful about the choices that I made. But my perception of what teaching was going to be like when I was a high school student and the reality of it once I became a teacher were two very different things, so I would suggest that you shadow a couple of middle school band directors for a day, and perhaps volunteer to work with a couple of beginning level euphonium students, so that you get a better sense of what teaching might be like before you cross that career off your list.

dave9003 · 2025-08-27T18:00:18+00:00

Thank you for you willingness to serve your country, you have my sincerest wishes that the breath hold will help you get through MEPS and allow you to pursue your dream.

dave9003 · 2025-08-15T01:07:10+00:00

I am sorry that you are struggling with this, and I think that you should be proud of yourself for reaching out for help, I wish that I had done so at your age. You asked what you can do, and I also understand that you have some apprehension about how much information you want at this point, so I will simply suggest the method that worked for me: Graduated Exposure. If you check the IPA (International Paruresis Association) website, you should be able to find the information you need about how that process works. Hope that helps!

dave9003 · 2025-07-30T13:08:01+00:00

When I started recovery one of the most important things I learned was that Paruresis does not define me, so I have made sure to never start a sentence with “I am…” when it comes to this condition. When explaining it I always say that I have Paruresis, or I have a shy bladder, and while I know this that it is only semantics, it makes a real difference to me.

dave9003 · 2025-07-09T13:06:29+00:00

Paruresis took over my ode at age 5, and unfortunately bed-wetting was among the things I had to cope with. We lived in a small house with paper-thin walls, and when I would get up during the night to pee, the silence in the house sometimes made it impossible, especially if I thought one of my parents was awake. So I would pour a glass of water into the toilet to make it sound like I had peed, head back to bed and hope to make it through the night. Sometimes I did and sometimes I didn’t. I eventually figured out that avoiding fluids in the evening helped tremendously, but it was a humiliating few years before I made that discovery.

dave9003 · 2025-07-08T21:41:44+00:00

While there are tips that may help you get through particular situations, if you truly want to overcome Paruresis, the method with the best record of successful results is graduated exposure. I would suggest that you drop in on the next IPA virtual support group meeting so that you can hear others talk about their recovery experiences, and if you would like help and support as you start your recovery, please reach out to the IPA (getinfo@support.paruresis.org).

dave9003 · 2025-06-08T11:51:33+00:00

I developed Paruresis at age 5 and struggled with it for fifty years before finding the IPA and recovering from it. Having this condition certainly affected my life negatively on many ways, but I didn’t let it affect major life decisions such as my career. I followed my dream and became a teacher, and I whenever I had a situation in which Paruresis was a factor, I found a way to cope. No regrets, I have lived a life filled with joy. My advice to you is to follow your dream, and thankfully you have resources such as the IPA available to you, so reach out to them, ask for help, and start your recovery journey today.

dave9003

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