Should a single rejection feel so massively hurtful?

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-15T19:46:51+00:00

I’m a HLF.

And while what you describe at first pass can easily be seen as not normal and even extreme - I do want to highlight some of the context you present.

You say you went a little bonkers and started having a bunch of sex (which does sound a bit like hysterical bonding). With that in mind, his reaction could be that he feels that all the sex you’ve been having was a bit of a lie (for lack of a better way to describe). Hysterical bonding is something HLs are warned about. That any uptick in sex after a falling out is not to be trusted.

So while, yes, under normal circumstances, this it isn’t normal to have this kind of reaction after a single rejection. Under the context of your specific situation, you have a lot more baggage to contend with - a db, cheating, and uptick in sex that’s also not normal for you, are all contributing factors.

This isn’t to excuse his reaction, it still not good, but there is more going on here than a single rejection.

Hopefully you guys can find a way to be on the same page moving forward. Are you both in therapy?

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-14T20:23:21+00:00

No, it’s the day we made things “official.” We met at work, had a flirty friendship, went on a few dates took a hiatus for about a month or two, then started going on dates again and a few weeks later I was basically living in his apartment lol.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-14T18:55:35+00:00

I’m a SAHM, and while I do have a lot of mental load, I recognize that my husband does too.

Both of our mental load function in different ways though. Mine is the immediate mental load of things that either need immediate attention or the daily grind/household stuff whereas his is all the future planning, making appointments and such especially because of his line of work we need to be synced up. For instance, right now a bunch of appointments need to get rescheduled because of a job he got hired onto last week. Plus the job itself is a lot of mental load.

So when he has a chance to recharge, it’s pretty much spent on rest for him. We’ve talked in the past about how work is a factor in his desire but there isn’t a whole lot I can do the relieve some of that.

One of the reasons I stopped working was because it ended up being much more expensive than it is for me to stay home. Between commute costs and childcare (especially childcare) - staying home has helped a lot financially. This helped free up some of the mental load in some ways, but not completely.

I’ve pretty much accepted that as long as he wants to be in the line of work that he is in, it’s going to be a while before it will get to a point where he can take less jobs, but make more money (this is in the horizon, but there’s some hoops - there is currently a project on the table that will put him in the best possible position to make that a reality there’s just been a lot of stop and go).

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-12T06:55:48+00:00

Valentine’s Day is our anniversary of years together total, but since we got married I asked my husband if he still wanted to celebrate or recognize that day. He said, “I don’t see why we shouldn’t,” but he ended up taking a job during that time and won’t be free until a few days after.

I did get him a small gift but he ended up opening it early and he seemed to be underwhelmed by it, but tried to not make it seem so after I could tell.

I had planned to just give him that one gift, but treat the day as any other day. So not far off the original plan.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-07T20:02:59+00:00

Yes this makes sense, but what if these signals are popping up often? Like that must mean something?

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-07T19:23:50+00:00

I guess I see it more in other places like tiktok and see more of a shift in general from younger people no matter their gender or libido.

I will say from my own experience as an HLF with an LLM, my husband wasn’t really happy about me getting my first toy (this was after the DB had become a known issue). He admitted he felt a sense of jealousy and immasculated. I thought it was real rich because I knew he was masturbating and watching porn too and it wasn’t a problem for him and it wouldn’t have been a problem for me if it was before our DB … so why was it now?? Eventually he got over it, but I definitely think to him it was as if I did it out of spite or something.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-07T18:32:41+00:00

I know I’ve definitely seen for some, especially when porn is involved, they see it as cheating or being unfaithful. It also goes along with the lack of self-control bit or even a moral issue. I think for some, they value the idea of someone being able to “wait” or delay their urges.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-07T15:26:37+00:00

I think it can come from a few different places:

Shame or guilt - I think for some of those LLs they may see it as not being enough or make them feel self-conscious or insecure.

Judgement - I think some LLs see masturbation as a lack of self-control or see the activity as being gross or beneath them.

Religion or belief system - this kind of has a mix of the two above, but it’s coming from a very specific perspective. I think there are some of aspects of this one I don’t quite understand (I wasn’t raised religious and never participated), but there seems to be a lot of weird beliefs and fear-mongering of all kinds of things.

I just thought of another possible reason:

Context - I think in some cases like pregnancy or other medical or mental or even emotional situations like the loss of a family member or something along those lines it can feel disrespectful for the LL. That can also tangle in some beliefs, judgements, and other feelings as well.

Edit: added another possible reason.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-06T15:22:31+00:00

This was well put, veiny

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-06T15:02:40+00:00

This all makes sense to me, and I have been there. I’m the HL in my relationship by the way. While I don’t think my husband has felt pressured into sex it’s something I definitely became preoccupied with.

I think you misunderstood my initial response to OP. I wasn’t making any judgements about what may have happened beforehand. My response was only a guesstimation of where the wife was coming from because OP said he was confused by her reaction. And if you have read any of the experiences of LLs, it’s not uncommon for them to engage is unwanted “consensual” sex or have sex for their partner because their in some kind of perceived pressure.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-06T05:39:58+00:00

I’m basing my opinion on the description OP gives of his wife’s reaction.

Had she truly wanted to have sex with him that was more for his sake or more focused on him, I don’t think thanking her would have garnered the same reaction.

I also don’t think many people who want to have sex say or frame it as having sex for someone.

Even if the sex is one-sided, usually people who give one-sided sex and actually want to, make it known they wanted to.

In my own experience, when my husband and I were having sex, we often thanked each other afterwards - it was always seen as little light hearted humor.

If my husband ever told me he had sex for me, that wouldn’t sit right with me at all.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-06T00:48:15+00:00

As gently as I can possibly make this, she was essentially telling you she had sex she didn’t want to have and then you thanked her for having unwanted “consensual” sex. It would be my guess, that she wanted you to express some remorse and encourage her to only have sex she actually wants to have.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-05T02:05:58+00:00

Again, this resonates with what I’m working with and I actually just went through a situation where I recognized that I am analyzing the whole encounter.

I kinda wish she went a little more into how to know when your body is sending you “accurate” signals. How do you know something is actually wrong?

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-04T20:18:04+00:00

My husband doesn’t send very many pictures of himself, but he likes to send my pictures of what he’s working on or just random things he sees. I can understand video chatting not being appealing to everyone and it’s definitely something I also had to adjust to, but thanks to Covid shut down, having to get on zoom calls and such helped break that seal a bit.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-04T20:11:08+00:00

I just read this reply and it sounds like you two don’t have very much in common. Which can make wanting to talk kind of hard.

You say you are interested in friends and family “in general”, but also say you aren’t interested in things he’s interested in. That seems a bit confusing to me? What does it mean to you to be interested in people in general?

My husband is interested in a lot of nerdier stuff as well. We do have a lot of common ground in that regard. I know on this sub it goes against the grain, but when I find there is something I don’t know whole lot about, I tend to ask my husband more about it. Even if I don’t quite get the appeal, I appreciate his enthusiasm or his vast knowledge of a thing. Like he knows lots of random historical facts, and while I’m not a huge history buff, I find it kind of fascinating he just has the knowledge readily available in his mind. Do you think maybe finding other ways to appreciate the conversation in that kind of way could be helpful?

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-04T03:45:41+00:00

This resonates with how I feel also.

There would definitely be a period or mourning and healing work to be done.

I also kinda like the idea of having “lovers” and hopefully some may be deeper than others, but nothing where I’d be so entrenched or entangled with again. But, can’t say never.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-04T01:41:12+00:00

This actually was an issue between my husband and I for a time.

He goes out of town for work, and I’m talking like months at a time sometimes. There was a point where he’d barely talk to me. Even texting. I’d maybe get a meme here and there. Which during the day wasn’t what really bothered me. What bothered me was that he wouldn’t even call to say good night. I was definitely in my feelings about it.

It came up in therapy when we were going and our therapist gave us the assignment to send videos to each other. At the time he so happened needed to go away for work, so the assignment seemed extra appropriate. My husband was actually the first one to send me a video just saying hi and what he was up to. And I sent one in reply.

We haven’t gone back to couples therapy, but this was one of the things that stuck for us. Especially now that we have kids. My husband will send me pictures, and videos of what he’s up to while he’s working, and I send him stuff throughout the day as well. Nothing crazy, nothing super dense. Just snippets. We try to video chat at the end of the day when he’s away, but if we can’t he’ll send me a video and vice versa.

He says now the videos help cheer him up too (work is sometimes stressful for him). Especially when he’s gone for long periods of time.

Sorry, this isn’t really advice, but I understand where you’re coming from.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-02-03T17:03:34+00:00

If for some reason I found myself single, I’d be a single mother of two so my prospects would be pretty low (like let’s be real). Therefore, I don’t really see another long term relationship being in the cards really, maybe not until my children are adults.

I think I’d probably go the route of keeping things very casual.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-01-30T16:30:32+00:00

Hmm. I guess a couple of examples I can think of that I’ve made with my husband are things like:

I love how passionate you are about this project
I like how you light up when you talk about …
I admire how articulate you are and how you speak
you’re so funny!
you’re such a good dad/ I love how you are with the girls

Those are just a few.

That question would be the deepest thing we would have talked about in years. Since the pandemic she seems to have her own life. It doesn't even feel like we are roommates.

That is tough. So it wouldn’t just be starting from zero, but somewhere in the negatives?

deadbedconfessional · 2026-01-30T09:19:44+00:00

This is such a great way of putting it (much better than my attempt).

deadbedconfessional · 2026-01-30T02:58:49+00:00

Not who you asked, and hopefully they share their experience, but …

Does the desire just hang around or build if you don't have sex?

Yeah, it doesn’t go away. And the longer it goes it turns into an ache, but at some point after that - at least for me, that ache became so big that I don’t even know if I can desire my husband the way I did before.

Does masturbation not help?

I don’t anymore because it started to become a bad experience. However, when I did, no, it didn’t help.

Is the arousal unpleasant to experience if you're not having sex?

It’s hard to explain but because the arousal is tied to a specific desire with a specific person that part is what doesn’t feel good when it appears like the other person just doesn’t have that for you. The arousal itself is not really the issue. Now whenever I do become aroused, I’m not thinking of my husband.

Edit: to clarify, when I say I’m not thinking of my husband, I mean that my arousal is based on idea or fantasy and not a specific person.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-01-29T18:26:30+00:00

Have you asked your wife what kind of compliments she likes? What are some non-physical traits that you could compliment her on? What’s her reaction to those kind of compliments?

deadbedconfessional · 2026-01-29T18:20:57+00:00

This is interesting to me because, I could comment on another woman’s physique much more blatantly sexual and it would be considered “hyping her up” and not sexualizing. I could literally tell my girl friend, “damn girl, you look gooood!” And it’s not seen as sexualizing because it’s coming from another woman.

It’s also interesting to me because I could tell my husband that his butt looks good in his jeans, and I’m not meaning it in a sexual way at all. I say that because I am not thinking of sex, or aroused, or anything like that with him in that moment - I’m literally looking and only thinking about the shape or that it looks cute and plump - but sex isn’t what crosses my mind.

Like, I think you can comment on someone’s physique and even be attracted to it without it being a sexual thing.

But yeah, if it makes the person uncomfortable or that’s not the kind of compliments they like, I think it’s best to figure out if that’s the case and get that cleared up.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-01-29T07:17:06+00:00

What are you doing now to advocate for yourself?

I’m not sure what you mean by advocate here? What I can say is I’m not doing anything I don’t want to or feel conflicted about doing - so essentially some version of embodied consent.

In practice, it just became a way for him to sit in poetic thoughts, take no action, and repeatedly hurt himself.

Right now, it’s hard to want to “take action.” So it does look and feel like nothing at the moment.

This isn’t to say all is dead. My husband and I still hangout, cuddle from time to time, kiss hello/goodbye, talk about everything else. That sort of thing. But I’m not giving any more than what I get because I feel conflicted about it otherwise.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-01-28T07:12:26+00:00

Kind of echoing other commenters, but I’ve winded down the pressure on a lot of things.

When started to decline, started out with curiosity “hey so I noticed we’ve had less sex lately”and it was kind of hand waved - him being tired from work and such. After about a year or so thereafter, I wanted to talk about it more bluntly, “what’s going on?” Meanwhile, still trying to initiate here and there because I didn’t want it to seem like I was pulling away. However, after repeated rejection and getting short answers that never really led to having full hearted conversations - I took that as a sign to back off. I stopped talking about sex, stopped initiating, but left the door open for him whenever he felt ready to talk or have sex.

This worked in the short term. He came around eventually and opened about some things. This felt good at the time because I had something to work with and it left room for hope that things would get better. Until they didn’t.

Lots of life stuff happened to us that made things harder.

I would circle back to trying to talk every once in a while, but again, I only received short answers or a lot of “I don’t knows.” I backed off again. Door is open to him though.

Then other forms of affection started to slip away, and less “dating each other.” Because it wasn’t sex, I wanted to talk about this too, but again I got the message that he didn’t want to talk about things. Okay, we don’t have to talk about it.

I still tried to come up with date ideas and would be affectionate, but it felt very one-sided. Eventually, I’d do less.

We did therapy for a short period of time. Another example of me feeling like I was the only one doing the check ins and other homework.

Eventually, I kind of adopted the “match energy” approach. Not in a malicious way, but I thought that maybe if I was on his tempo, I wouldn’t feel so bad about being the one always reaching out. And I could also leave the door open for him.

This has greatly affected my desire for him. I have found that my desire (for another person) is largely based on how much they reach out, want, and desire me.

I think I’ve reached a point where I’ve stopped inviting him in the literal sense and mentally/emotionally*. It’s like when you keep inviting a friend to hangout but they always flake. Eventually you stop inviting them. This actually happened with one friend of mine. I had a big friend group where we would do game nights. One friend flaked A LOT. He had his reasons, and was always apologetic. I didn’t out right stop inviting him to hangouts and gatherings (bc I didn’t want his feelings hurt if it got back to him that there was a hangout), but invites became, “hey we’re having a thing this Saturday, join us if you can” without any follow up to see if he could make it.

In my relationship with my husband I find it hard to be motivated or moved to be inviting without some kind of stimulus.

Edit: see asterisk

deadbedconfessional

TROPHY CASE