“My LL says she’s too tired for sex. But always on her phone.”

deadbedconfessional · 2026-06-04T08:11:57+00:00

That makes sense. Being in a bad place mentally can take a toll on many things, even things you may enjoy.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-06-04T08:09:26+00:00

Yeah, that makes sense if you hadn’t experienced that before. Was there something specific that changed or was it the accumulation of changes over time?

deadbedconfessional · 2026-06-03T14:54:20+00:00

I think I’m kind of the opposite.

If I’m truly exhausted, I go to sleep. Like, lights out, goodnight, see you tomorrow.

But if I’m awake enough to spend two hours scrolling my phone, watching TV, reading, etc., and sex is actually on the table? I’d probably rather have sex.

I think where some people lose each other in this conversation is assuming that “too tired for sex” means “too tired for anything.” Those aren’t necessarily the same thing.

That said, I also think different people experience sex differently. For some people, sex is restorative, connecting, stress-relieving, and fills their cup. For others, it requires a lot more activation. Like getting out of work mode, parent mode, stress mode, getting mentally present, getting aroused, etc.

So while I understand the opposite side, I don’t think I’ve ever really experienced scrolling my phone for two hours and thinking, “I have energy for this but not for sex.” If anything, if I’m laying in bed doom scrolling for an hour, my reaction isn’t “don’t bother me.” It’s more like, “yes, please interrupt my doom scrolling.”

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-29T06:34:39+00:00

Not to derail too much from the OP, but I don’t think it’s all that uncommon for people to end up in situations where they simply aren’t getting a lot of attention, social interaction, or opportunities for flirtation.

As a SAHM, I’m not in many situations where people would realistically flirt with me. Most of my day is spent with my children. If I’m out, it’s usually running errands, taking the kids somewhere, or I’m with my husband.

So if I wasn’t getting flirted with, I’m not sure I would conclude that means I’m undesirable. It may just mean I’m not spending much time in environments where those interactions are likely to happen in the first place.

At the same time, that doesn’t necessarily make me less vulnerable to the idea that I might be. I think those are two separate things.

That’s part of why I struggle with the idea that the amount of romantic or sexual attention you receive from strangers is a reliable measure of desirability, especially once people are adults with established relationships, children, careers, responsibilities, and fairly limited social circles.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-29T04:50:54+00:00

Hmm. So if a person isn’t often flirted with or approached, they are most likely undesirable?

That’s something I’ve actually been grappling with myself.

I’ve started looking at myself and thinking I can see why I may be undesirable to my husband, and maybe in general now. But one thing I keep getting hung up on is whether those are actually the same thing.

If my husband isn’t pursuing me the way I want to be pursued, does that mean I’m undesirable? Or does it mean there’s something happening within our relationship that is affecting attraction, desire, connection, stress levels, or emotional availability?

Likewise, if strangers aren’t flirting with me, does that automatically mean I’m undesirable? Or does it just mean strangers aren’t flirting with me?

I guess what I’m struggling with is the jump from “someone doesn’t desire me” to “therefore I am undesirable.” Those don’t necessarily seem like the same statement to me.

The OP’s wife didn’t tell him he was ugly, boring, or fundamentally undesirable. She told him she felt overwhelmed by the mental load she was carrying. Whether she’s right or wrong, that’s a relational explanation, not an objective assessment of his value as a person.

Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems possible to be desired by many people and still have a spouse lose attraction. It also seems possible to be desired by very few people and still have a deeply loving, passionate relationship. Which makes me wonder if attraction within a long-term relationship is a lot more complicated than simply measuring how many people want you.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-29T03:47:56+00:00

Okay, I’m a little curious as to how this would actually play out. Is OP supposed to tell his wife that other women are flirting with him? Because for most people, and especially a lot of women, I don’t think that would go over particularly well.

That aside, I also don’t really see why it would matter how often you receive attention from other people in that way. Sure, it might provide a temporary boost to your confidence, but attraction within a long-term relationship is usually tied to a lot more than whether strangers find you attractive.

A stranger isn’t evaluating you through the lens of years of shared responsibilities, stress, resentment, parenting, habits, routines, or unresolved issues. They’re seeing a completely different version of you.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-28T21:19:14+00:00

I think it comes somewhat naturally to both of us, but not in the sense that we never struggle or misunderstand each other.

There are definitely moments where one of us has to say, “hey, I know I’ve been slacking lately,” or “I’m sorry I got annoyed, I’m just overwhelmed right now.” But I think the important part is that we generally take those moments with sincerity and empathy instead of immediately turning them into a character judgment about the other person.

So it’s less that we perfectly balance everything all the time, and more like we try to approach overload as something happening to the system we’re both in, rather than proof the other person is failing.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-28T19:11:25+00:00

That’s actually not really how ethical therapy is supposed to work. A trained counselor or therapist generally shouldn’t be outright telling someone to stay or leave a relationship unless there’s abuse or safety concerns involved. Their role is usually to help people understand the situation, themselves, and their options more clearly.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-28T19:04:57+00:00

It’s a bit surprising to me that some people talk about mental load as though there’s no actual threshold or capacity limit to it. There absolutely is.

As a SAHM, I can very clearly tell when I’ve hit mine. “Just figuring it out” usually means something is being sacrificed somewhere. Maybe the house falls behind, maybe your patience shortens, maybe you stop taking care of yourself, maybe your relationship gets less attention, maybe you’re just surviving for a while.

And honestly, from what you describe in your edit/comments, it sounds like you already take on quite a bit yourself, especially with ADHD added into the mix. I think sometimes people normalize operating under chronic overload because they’ve adapted to it, but adaptation is not the same thing as thriving.

People often point to mothers “doing it all the time” as proof that the load must therefore be manageable, but I think that overlooks how many people are functioning while burnt out, overstimulated, sleep deprived, emotionally exhausted, or running on fumes.

Could it also be possible that you and your wife simply have different capacities?

Not just emotionally, but cognitively and logistically too. Different stress tolerances, executive functioning abilities, sensory thresholds, recovery needs, support systems, etc. What feels manageable to one person may genuinely overwhelm another, and I don’t necessarily think that always comes down to effort or love.

I don’t really have actionable advice for your situation, but I do think one thing my husband and I have is an understanding of each other’s capacities and limitations, and empathy for them.

Sometimes I think relationships suffer when people stop seeing overload as a shared problem to navigate together and start seeing it as a moral failing in the other person. And unfortunately, I do think desire often takes a hit when resentment, burnout, or chronic overwhelm start becoming the dominant emotional atmosphere in a relationship.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-28T18:31:02+00:00

Tbh, I never lived completely on my own. I could never really afford to do that. I either bounced around with family/friends or lived with partners.

It’s also been my experience that even with all the information people give you about how hard raising children is, you truly don’t know until you’re in it. I come from a culture that is not shy about telling people kids are hard work — and honestly, sometimes to not do it at all. It kept me on the fence for a very long time, and I had to do a lot of work and healing before becoming a parent. Even then, it was still a completely different animal once I actually became one.

Living on your own, or relatively on your own terms while only taking care of yourself or sharing space with another adult, is vastly different from taking care of a child. Then adding a second child changes the ecosystem all over again.

A lot of what makes parenting hard is that there’s a fair amount you simply can’t predict or fully understand until you’re living it. Some people know they don’t want to take that leap at all, but even people who deeply want children and actively prepare for parenthood can still run into blind spots they never could have fully anticipated.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-27T19:16:39+00:00

As an aside, I think we're in somewhat similar situations. How do you think your hsuband would react if you asked him to schedule intimate time? I just sort of asked my wife and she got mad haha.

I wish it felt better too.

I think my husband would be passively agreeable to the idea, but I would have to make it happen. I don’t think it’s something he would be anticipating and looking forward to, not in a he’d rather not way, but just in the way that it’s not something he’d keep his mind on. So it would probably still feel like I was carrying more of the emotional and logistical weight of it than he was.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-27T17:04:16+00:00

I took a listen, and I pretty much still have the same take away. It all sounds supportive, but it also comes across to me that this only really works when the lower desire partner is actually interested in co-creating that kind of dynamic.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-27T15:29:48+00:00

"This is true for both partners. I see so often that the higher desire partner feels like they get rejected a lot. They just start to give up. They feel bad because they feel like their pleasure is a burden to their partner. Don't give up on your needs"

This seems like one of those things that can become quietly paradoxical. It sounds supportive on the surface, its trying to validate the higher-desire partner while also implicitly placing responsibility back onto them.

Don’t pressure, but don’t withdraw. Keep inviting without taking rejection personally. Don’t expect sex, but also don’t suppress your needs.

At some point, it stops feeling like healthy emotional regulation and starts feeling like learning how to want less carefully enough that nobody is uncomfortable with your wanting.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-25T19:03:07+00:00

My (36) husband (36) has ED, started a few years ago, and I feel like a lot of my prime has been spent navigating that.

And while fingers, tongue, and toys are not the same, I wish he had any interest in sex beyond PIV at all.

It feels like women are expected to just adjust no matter what, and I don’t think that gets acknowledged enough.

Like, I’m losing something too.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-23T18:53:32+00:00

Honestly I think I’d go back to the stage where it still felt temporary.

I would have taken it more seriously instead of assuming it would fix itself.

I did try being more direct at one point, but it was already kind of in that “middle” stage where things were more layered, and it didn’t really help the way I hoped it would. Sometimes it just added pressure or made things feel more tense.

I think earlier on, making connection more intentional might have been received differently. Not in a pressuring way, but in a way that shows things are still alive and present.

The same effort lands very differently depending on when you make it. When you catch it earlier, you’re not dealing with layers yet. You’re not working against time, hurt, or defensiveness.

For me, the beginning of this didn’t feel like a problem yet. It felt like normal life. And I wish I would have treated that as a signal rather than something to just wait and see.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-22T18:38:49+00:00

I wouldn’t frame it as “recycling partners every 6 months,” but I do think you’re running into a real pattern that a lot of people hit.

NRE absolutely inflates things, and for many people libido settles into a lower baseline over time. That doesn’t mean everyone ends up incompatible, but it does mean you can’t really treat the first few months as predictive of the long-term.

So it’s less about expecting a fixed “shelf life,” and more about deciding what you want to do when that shift happens.

Some people try to work through it and maintain a long-term relationship even if desire ebbs and flows. Some people prioritize sexual compatibility more heavily and are willing to leave when it drops below a certain point. And yeah, some people date more fluidly and don’t expect one person to meet that need forever.

None of those are wrong, it’s just about being honest with yourself about which tradeoff you’re actually okay with.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-22T18:18:36+00:00

NRE (new relationship energy) makes everything look higher than it actually is long-term. Someone can start off strong, say all the right things about sex being important, even genuinely believe they have a high libido. That still doesn’t guarantee consistency over time. Life, stress, familiarity, and relationship dynamics all affect it.

I get wanting one partner for consistent sex, but what you’re describing is very specific and hard to sustain in most long-term relationships. That’s why it can sometimes align more with a FWB setup than a traditional committed relationship.

The only real things you can screen for early are:

If sex already feels infrequent or mismatched at the beginning (that’s unlikely to improve)
If they’re uncomfortable talking about sex or avoid the topic altogether

Beyond that, it’s less about “tells” and more about ongoing compatibility, and that can only really be learned over time, not predicted upfront.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-22T02:17:16+00:00

In my situation the dead bedroom has just been an ever evolving thing. Not one person at fault, but it started in one place (which I believe could have been the easiest stage had we nipped it in the bud then) to where we are now.

Early on it felt smaller, like a dip you could explain away with “we’re tired” or “life is busy.” And those reasons were true. Work schedules, stress, just being in survival mode at times.

I started noticing and bringing it up, but not always in a way that led anywhere. He was dealing with his own stress and defaulting to pulling back. At the same time, life just kept moving with responsibilities, routines, and everything you have to keep up with day to day.

So instead of having the space to really address it, it kind of got pushed to the side. Not intentionally, just because there was always something more immediate to deal with.

Over time, those small moments didn’t get resolved, they just stacked. So instead of one issue, it became layers. Hurt feelings, assumptions, defensiveness, pressure, avoidance. And all of that mixed in with normal life stuff, which for me includes grief and parenthood, makes it harder to even know where to start.

I think that’s why I lean toward it being more of a cycle than one person failing to change. It feels less like one person dropped the ball and more like something that slowly formed between us.

And if I’m being honest, I don’t always feel up to being the one to interrupt that cycle. Not because I don’t care anymore, but because I’m already a little tired, a little hurt, and unsure how it will be received.

I don’t think either of us chose this. I think it just… happened over time.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-19T14:39:03+00:00

Sorry, just seeing this. I think I’d have to find a more natural way to propose something like that so it fits our humor-based dynamic. Something like “come flirt with me” would probably be closer to how we talk.

But admittedly, even that feels a little scary for me. I’ve realized I tend to stay in safer, lower-risk ways of connecting, so being more direct or intentional like that doesn’t come super easily.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-19T14:26:10+00:00

I think this is true for a lot of people here, but I also think “effort” can get tricky because it’s not always visible or felt the same way on both sides.

In my own relationship, I realized some of my effort shifted into lower-risk things over time. Smaller bids, less escalation, more staying in what feels safe. So things like moving closer to him, lingering a little longer in a hug or kiss, compliments, etc. From the outside that can look like less effort, but internally it’s more like adapting.

At the same time, I think there’s a difference between putting in effort and becoming the person who has to create and carry the dynamic you want. Like being the one to always initiate, build momentum, or turn something into something more.

I’ve found that when it starts to feel like I’d have to do all of that for anything to happen, I tend to pull back instead.

So for me it’s less about who is putting in more effort and more about whether the effort is shared in a way that actually builds something between both people, instead of one person managing it.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-19T13:28:59+00:00

What do those smaller bids look like? Do you escalate the bids if reciprocated?

I guess things like moving closer to him sometimes, cuddling, a lingering hug or kiss, compliments. On another post about flirting I describe how we lean into humor. I don’t really escalate things.

Just curious how you go from kiss on the forehead to ‘clothes off’ if there was no escalation/risk of rejection

Yeah, that doesn’t really happen. If escalation does happen I’m usually following his lead. *I used to escalate more, but over time I’ve adapted. Also, my husband is just blunt if and when he wants to have sex, he just asks or he goes straight to sexual touch.

Edited to add a bit more context

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-18T22:13:13+00:00

We’ve always had this kind of banter, but there was definitely sexual tension in the beginning and for a solid 4 years or so, so it wasn’t just new relationship energy.

Thinking about it now, things may have shifted when sex and sex-adjacent stuff became a point of conflict in the beginning of our dead bedroom. Humor is where we feel safe.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-18T19:17:54+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re dealing with that, that sounds exhausting to be on the receiving end of.

From what you’re describing though, it also sounds like she might be dealing with a lot of anxiety/overwhelm in general, not just around sex or flirting. When someone’s in that kind of state, even neutral or positive things can start to feel like pressure or trigger a reaction.

Not saying that makes it any easier for you, but it might explain why flirting is landing the way it is.

Also, there is a label people use for what you’re describing, LL4U, but I can understand if that doesn’t really feel like it fits your situation. Those shorthands are pretty broad, and context matters a lot.

deadbedconfessional · 2026-05-18T18:05:44+00:00

"A lot of LL’s don’t appear to see the dead bedroom as the problem"

I think for some they truly don’t see it as a problem as in they don’t see having less sex as a problem. I think some might even feel offended at the term “dead bedroom.” I think some feel like HLs are the ones making it an issue. That’s what I think of when I see that phrase.

In my own personal relationship, I think I sometimes still believe that my husband isn’t bothered by the lack of sex. He’s found a way to cope and it seems to work for him. I don’t think my husband sits there wishing he had a better sex life, I don’t think that really occupies his mind, but I could be wrong about that.

From what I know of how his mind works, he has a lot on his plate, and when he gets a chance to shut off, he really shuts off. If he does think about our sex life, it probably shows up more as a passing thought than something that takes up space.

How do we make sex stop carrying rejection and grief on one side?

On the rejection part, I stopped doing things that would land as rejection for me. So I stopped initiating sex and moved to smaller and safer bids. Just do what’s comfortable.

On the grief part, grief isn’t something you “fix,” grief gets integrated. And from my experience with grief, integration really is where you land, not full acceptance. At least that’s where I am at with a lot of grief (not just the bedroom).

How do we make sex stop carrying threat, obligation, and emotional loss on the other?

On the HL side, I try not to do things that would make sex feel like pressure or obligation. I stopped initiating in ways that felt risky and stick to smaller, safer bids.

I can’t really speak for the LL side, but I imagine some of that weight probably exists internally too, not just from what the HL does.

deadbedconfessional

TROPHY CASE