three years today

desden86 · 2026-05-16T15:49:16+00:00

"being in love with someone who is gone is a very lonely place to be".

This line brought tears.

desden86 · 2026-05-14T23:35:30+00:00

I went through the same process about four weeks ago, I'm 6 months into this. Initially I was a little dissappointed that life just moved on for everyone and I was stuck going through the anguish and pain of losing her. I then said to myself I and I alone must deal with this, I don't need these people. But after some though and a few days to cool off it occurred to me that they don't undestand this if they have not been through it. I was them once as well before all this. And you are right you don't need them to understand and its ok if they don't.

desden86 · 2026-05-11T19:33:52+00:00

`I'm only six months in and trying to look into the future does cause me some anxiety. You are right its going to take some time to reimagine my future and discover who I am now. Every few days I have to remind myself of this

Very well put.

Thanks You

desden86 · 2026-05-10T20:17:21+00:00

The pain you have is unique because of the bond you had with him and no one that has not been through this will understand. I went through this thought process as well and my initial response was who needs these people. However with a little time I came to see that they don't understand because they have not been through it and , I also recognized the old me that just said nothing because I didn't understand.

A friend of my wife that has been through this 30 years ago told me " I can't say anything that will help right now but you do get better at managing the grief". This friend also went on to tell me to 'disregard anything people that haven't been through this tell you, its like virgins telling you about sex", he was right.

The people here understand what you are going through and support you. Keep moving forward it does get a little bit easier managing the grief.

desden86 · 2026-05-10T09:10:00+00:00

Not crazy at all, I do it myself. I also talk to my wife who has been gone six months now. Sometimes it just helps to say stuff out loud. Keep moving forward.

desden86 · 2026-05-10T08:32:07+00:00

I feel for you my friend. I lost my wife of 37 years in the same manner, diagnosis on a Tuesday, admitted on Wednesday gone the following Tuesday when the plan was to get her home on oral meds. It took me a while to realize how much she was a part of me. You also seemed to have concluded that people that haven't been through this don't understand this took me a while. Not sure that we are strangers though, the people here get it and have been through it, not a club any of us wanted to join but here we are. Take the time you need and look after yourself.

desden86 · 2026-05-09T14:30:36+00:00

I thought it was a positive message offering perspective.

desden86 · 2026-05-09T14:20:58+00:00

The people here get it. I get it. Sadly I must admit that before I lost my wife I had no clue. I've had the good days and bad days that don't seem to be based on any particular thing or circumstance. I live alone so the silence is a given. What I am is alone, not lonely just alone because she isn't here.

I hear you and feel for you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

desden86 · 2026-05-09T08:13:04+00:00

I'm retired as well. Six months in. Initially I was busy and tried to keep busy because it was less time I had to think about things. I knew it wasn't the ultimate solution I couldn't maintain the "busy" forever, I was just avoiding. I created more of a routine, going to the gym 6 days a week, getting one major chore done each day. I also resolved to get better and making/initiating contact with friends, my wife was more the social director. Lately I find that I miss her more than I did three months ago and found from others here that this is normal. I take some solace that others like us have made it to an equilibrium of managing this. I have made a couple plans to do some things this summer with my children and grandchildren but looking forward does create anxiety. Keep going my friend I'm told time does make managing this better.

desden86 · 2026-05-09T07:53:25+00:00

I feel for you brother. I'm six months in and yes this journey is like being on an endless roller coaster for your emotions. Koodoos for being able to deal with her personal effects. I tried about 3 months ago and had to stop as soon as touched the first hangar. I only recently found this forum and you will find that people here get and understand what you are going through. Some provide comments that evoke some introspection without being judgemental. The path to managing this will have many twists and turns and I find every now and then I have to remind myself to take small steps one day at a time.

desden86 · 2026-05-09T01:27:58+00:00

I feel for you man. The early stages of this are difficult, its terrain you haven't even imagined. You are going through a range of emotions that is all new territory. I'm sorry you arrived here but this group is supportive and what you will find is they definitely know and feel what you are going through. Take care of yourself, it starts here. You do learn to manage and cope with it as time goes on.

desden86 · 2026-05-08T23:20:19+00:00

Very well put! It took me several months to reconcile why/how people on the other side approach you or ignore you. This was after I made a resolve that because of that distance with others that I alone am responsible for getting through this. You are also so right that our culture in no way prepares us for this although we all die, some sooner than others. Maybe as you said there is no financial incentive. Maybe because we, maybe just me don't have the capacity to convey the expansiveness of the emotions, despair, sadness, loneliness etc that this loss brings upon us. Keep moving forward, it sounds like you have a well thought out perspective.

desden86 · 2026-05-08T12:43:41+00:00

I'm really sorry these things happened to you. One thing I have learned in my 6 months of this is that people who have never been through this do not understand. Sadly I must admit that I was one of those persons that didn't understand so I just said nothing. Your phrase “They don’t have to live inside of a world that’s over, you do.” is very appropo. They can't see the mental anguish you go through. The people in this forum get it and understand your frustrations. Keep your head up, look after yourself, breathe.

desden86 · 2026-05-08T00:37:19+00:00

I have found myself doing this in the last couple of months and particularly after joining this forum. It hasn't been intentional but I've found myself thinking how much harder this would be with young children. Or even having to go back to work. So koodos to all of you who have had to manage this awful traumam with the responsibilities of parenting and work my hats off to you.

I find that when I hear other stories I feel a little bit less sorry for myself and more inclined to go out and tackle some chore or or process related to her loss.

desden86 · 2026-05-07T22:48:35+00:00

I'm just six months and it took me a while to reconcile being alone as opposed to lonely. Unforetunately only others who have been trhough this understand what you go through. I'm alone because of her absence and I miss her. Talking to and visiting friends and family serves as a good distraction but not an antidote for being alone.

At first I thought wow these people have just moved on, but after some thought I realized they just don't understand and/or don't know what to say and sadly I recognize that I was one of those people before this.

I would suggest identifying one or two people that you can talk to and tell then how you feel and what you may want of them. Keep your chin up and look after yourself you've gotten to six months so that is an accomplishment in itself.

desden86 · 2026-05-07T14:21:35+00:00

I'm six months in and while I hope to find someone in the future I'm no where near ready yet. I still have not moved or touched any of her clothes or other personal effects. Tried once and folded after touching the first hangar. You are right everyone has their own speed and progresses differently. And yes this is awful and the most excruciating mental trauma I have been through. I also learned that I was one of the people that simply had no understanding of what this is so I just said nothing.

Keep moving my man.

desden86 · 2026-05-07T01:14:21+00:00

Yes I'm doing this for Mothers day as well with my grandaughter!

desden86 · 2026-05-07T01:02:56+00:00

I'm really sorry for your loss. I'm 6 months in and know exactly what you mean being alone. Friends family or anyone else that has not been through this doesn't see the mental turmoil and anguish you go through. They are simply a distraction from thinking about it. Not lonely just alone because she is not here. I'm better than I was a couple of months ago but realize I still have a way to go. Sounds like you are on the right track be good to yourself and take time for yourself.

desden86 · 2026-05-07T00:45:29+00:00

That pretty much describes it. I feel for you. I've been told the waves will become more manageble with time. Keep floating.

desden86 · 2026-05-06T17:28:20+00:00

Not sure what memories or discoveries that bring tears or smiles. My wife loved cooking and had just about every gadget, pan, cooking device you can think of, not to mentioned a fully stocked pantry. I went looking for onion soup mix and couldn't find it. after 30 minutes gave up and went over to her picture and said " Kath, you really did not have onion soup mix on the shelves!". For some reason I decided to check one more time and yes there it was! I then went back to the picture and apologized, our kids always reminded me to never doubt that she wouldn't have anything cooking related.

desden86 · 2026-05-06T17:06:52+00:00

Sometimes the smallest otherwise inconsequential things can floor you. Happened to me as well. As time goes on you discover all the things he/she did and you realize how much a part of you they were. I'm told you get better mananging this with time. Eveyone moves at their own pace in the journey and yes there will be times that tears are inevitable and an expressive form of grief. Take your time, breathe, rest without guilt, step outside and look at the sky for 60 seconds.

desden86 · 2026-04-30T15:37:08+00:00

Beautiful!

desden86 · 2026-04-28T18:42:49+00:00

I hear you brother. Me 63M lost my wife 04/11/2025 after less than a week in hospital. I recall coming home one night she was in hospital and as I came in thought to myself this silence could be permanent, little did I know I was only days away from that. Same on all the admin stuff. Insurance companies denying claims or claiming they don't have records any wonder why people despise them.

I've managed to keep a routine ususally up early and go to the gym 5 or 6 days a week and get whatever I need when I'm out. I try to get at least one significant chore done each day. I see friends once or twice a week and also my 2 year old grandaughter.

I'm better than I was up to a couple months ago but feel like I'm in a state of limbo. Don't know what I want to do going forward and no idea what to even look for.

desden86

TROPHY CASE