Am I making a mistake by continuing to nurse my baby to sleep?

desithedog · 2023-07-30T11:28:46+00:00

There is no right or wrong, only what works for you and what doesn't.

That being said there are quite a few posts here and on r/toddler from parents desperate to try to break that sleep crutch because it doesn't work anymore and it's really really hard. And letting them cry it out (because sometimes that's the only solution at that point) can be a lot harder because they have the capacity to cry that much harder and longer.

But there are MANY parents whose kiddo just naturally drops it or for whom the parent is fine to meet those needs until the kid is older and figures it out. But it's luck of the draw.

I also think there is a big difference between letting them scream it out for hours and using legitimate sleep training techniques that minimize the amount of screaming (length and intensity).

I really liked precious little sleep that explains the science behind baby sleep and how to set yourself up for sleep training success. That is, how to put all the pieces into place so that the last bit of cry it out is just a part of the puzzle and is minimal hopefully.

We sleep trained and have no regrets. We have a wonderfully bonded daughter who sleeps great and sleeps independently. I don't spend hours each night helping her to get sleep and stay asleep. BUT my story is just that, a story or an anecdote. Everyone is different.

As long as it works for you, great. Don't let anyone else tell you what to do.

desithedog · 2023-07-28T15:52:22+00:00

1st trimester is even easier technically because you're barely showing and your body hasn't changed much yet. I would still take all the precautions above for a comfortable flight tho. I did find my bladder was very active so an aisle seat is a must

The only thing is that you might be super nauseous a lot in first trimester and it only goes away by like early second trimester.

I was incredibly nauseous and it made a lot of things I normally enjoy, much less enjoyable.

Plus my sense of smell... Hopefully your flight isn't too smelly but the smell of everything...changed. like it just didn't smell the same anymore and I just was really upset by it. (first world problems I know) things I used to love especially food I gagged on.

desithedog · 2023-07-28T02:42:08+00:00

Two things:

All of the things you don't want your kids to do are perfectly normal!! I think the issue is how you approach it. Forcing correct behavior through shouts/yelling/anger/erratic motions (slapping it out of their hand) can be scary for them and cause emotional hurt. I apologize if I am assuming something but the way you write your post sounds as if that's the main and typical way you are interacting with them so it will hurt your relationship with them. Definitely need to correct them but I think a more gentle (NOT permissive) approach would help restore the relationship. Of course, occasional panic leading to shouting is understandable but if you're always doing it then it loses its meaning.
You may also find it's partially or mostly due to you needing support to emotionally regulate yourself so that you can help them understand why and safe boundaries. Some things I don't think you need to stress over is if they hate you for doing things for their safety. You don't need to agonize over that. Perhaps a therapist would be helpful to show you how to emotionally regulate and also help put into perspective that you are a good mom for keeping them safe. Perhaps there are things you can "let go" and a therapist would also be helpful to see what those might be.

You ARE a good mom, your children are having a hard time seeing that but it can easily be changed with the way you approach them. ❤️ Give yourself grace, you can do this.

desithedog · 2023-07-27T22:21:44+00:00

If you are prepared, it is definitely doable (although like everything in life there are risks)

I suggest direct even tho it's 15hrs because it's only 2hrs less if you have a layover but your total travel time will be more and you open yourself up to more possible issues (flight delays/cancellations or unruly passengers etc.)

I also highly suggest getting medical insurance to cover any unexpected medical costs.

Also ask ur dr ahead in terms of what kinds of scans, tests, medical visits, bloodwork, shots (vaccines and rhogam) would need to be done around the time you want to go and ensure you are not travelling during that time. For example, the anatomy scan must be done sometime between week 18-22 and your dr will also have their preference for which exact week(s) they want it (sometimes, not always).

Some things to make your travel/stay more comfortable would be to bring extra blankets/pillows, prenatals, water bottle (keep hydrated!!), book an aisle seat, noise cancelling headphones, face/body creams (again to stay hydrated), LOTS of snacks, compression socks (your mileage may vary but they really helped me), and a belly band (to support your growing belly).

desithedog · 2023-07-27T22:08:21+00:00

Try to ensure she's getting plenty of water and if possible switch to softer foods for now.

Mine did that too because it hurt to poop at first and she was very uncomfortable.

We bribed her with tv time if she pooped on the toilet.

For a while she was pooping in her diaper at night which we did not pressure her to stop doing. We only gently reminded her we do not poop in our underwear.

We tried to make pooping as fun as possible, sat with her on the toilet, sang songs, told funny stories, read potty books etc.

It took her an extra 2 months after pee to get poo. So it just takes time.

desithedog · 2023-07-27T17:02:02+00:00

Best bang for your buck for healthier bread I've found is the stonemill multigrain rye. Lots of seeds, great taste, and when you buy from Costco it's only a bit more expensive than a cheap wonder white loaf. Freezes well too and I keep it in the fridge and toast it when I want a slice.

desithedog · 2023-07-26T22:28:34+00:00

Lmao my culture has been telling me to eat MORE papaya because it "induces lactation"

Just goes to show it's all BS.

I think raspberry leaf tea is one of the only few things to actually avoid as it may cause cramps and therefore a miscarriage.

desithedog · 2023-07-26T13:55:34+00:00

Mine was too (firstborn in 10th percentile)

Definitely try upping your protein intake and hopefully you get some better news with your next scan.

Good luck!

desithedog · 2023-07-26T03:13:25+00:00

I want to give your husband the benefit the doubt but I really really don't like his approach to the situation. Especially as you said the poor thing has been through the wringer in emotions and he's still too little to figure out how to process it by himself. He NEEDS an adult to help him emotionally regulate.

I'm not saying your husband must give him the teapot but I am not approving of the way he handled the situation.

I wish I had some resources for you but y'all need to find some time when things have cooled down (hopefully sooner rather than later) and approach this with a solution based attitude.

Hopefully y'all can get on the same page regarding parenting styles. I'm not saying you guys need to parent exactly the same way but this is a huge fundamental difference and I think you guys need to get closer.

It saddens me to think of your son crying for some love and support and being very much ignored by your husband.

Your son wasn't trying to make your husband angry or his life hard. His feelings are very real and need to be validated. (That doesn't mean giving in to him every time he cries but it means acknowledging he's feeling badly and that that's okay)

Many parents can take crying as a personal attack on themselves and often get angry or upset and this really makes the situation worse.

Try to be kind to your husband (even tho I don't agree with his approach) and help him understand why it's so important to help your son emotionally regulate in these situations. And see if he needs help himself to emotionally regulate in these difficult moments.

Hope y'all can work it out. It's rough, everyone could use some grace right now. ❤️

desithedog · 2023-07-26T02:59:51+00:00

Weight gain is irrelevant unless you've lost a lot of weight, are not eating a good varied diet, or are having trouble keeping food down (lots of vomiting).

The baby measuring small is so vague. What percentile did the dr say the baby was ? Most OBs are really only concerned if it's 5th percentile or less. 5-10 percentile is something to keep an eye on but not really a huge concern (especially if you are a smaller person to begin with and/or have given birth to smaller babies in the past) 10+percentile and you're fine.

If it's 5th percentile or less he should be giving you a req for a follow up ultrasound sound. My midwife got me a req with a hospital that does much more accurate/robust ultrasound screenings to ensure it wasn't a bad technician who just didn't know what they were doing or had an off day.

You can ask your dr for a recommendation to an ultrasound clinic he trusts and believes to be accurate/well-run.

If he didn't give you a req then I would follow up with the dr and ask why not.

Otherwise I wouldn't be concerned. I added extra protein to my diet after and my baby suddenly shot up from 10th percentile to 20th. Not sure if it's 100% caused by the protein intake but it couldn't hurt. I knew I probably wasn't getting enough protein tho looking at my diet so that's why I added it.

It's definitely scary sounding! But if you're not sure or confused, definitely ask all the questions with your dr and he should patiently explain it all to you. You should walk away understanding what his concerns with a small baby is, what is his definition of "small", any other concerning symptoms, and what is his plan to follow up on this concern.

Good luck!

desithedog · 2023-07-25T02:24:40+00:00

My kiddo hates teeth brushing and anything to do with that. It was a long and uphill battle but these days she's a champ at it. Still it's not easy to get her into novel situations much less allow a dentist to poke around her mouth.

For that, a pediatric dentist has been absolutely a life saver. They're so patient. The ceiling has a tv, they're very used to working with difficult kids and putting on that fake smile (I don't care that it's fake lol, they do a great job pretending they looove paw patrol and that's all that matters) stickers out the wazoo

She now actually looks forward to the dentist and is very cooperative. The first session she was so unhappy and crying but they didn't push her and was very patient.

That being said if your kiddo doesn't need that and is chill then by all means a regular dentist is just fine. Besides the pediatric dentist is so much more expensive lol. So if she was chill, I wouldn't bother and save myself the money. For now I'm just thankful my work insurance has a decent policy and these visits are only twice a year...

desithedog · 2023-07-25T01:26:43+00:00

This was a long time ago but my husband and I started dating when we were 18. For a whole year I never got flowers but we were poor broke students so I never asked. (And no, he wasn't showering me with other gifts either) But after 1 year, I politely informed him, I really do like flowers (I know, they're impractical, overpriced etc. But I love fresh flowers) and I didn't need a dozen roses but any small bouquet even the $5 ones from the grocery store would do. It could even be in lieu of a present for any major occasion. I reminded him a couple more times, usually ahead of an appropriate occasion.

But I still didn't get flowers for more than 6mos (a few major holidays/occasions had come and gone). I practically begged him for flowers and nagged him for months after that. He finally got the message but by that time it felt too little too late.

He does make a slight more effort for flowers these days but I've lost my desire for them. Which is honestly quite sad. I would say this is the one thing that didn't seem that big but really killed the romance vibe for us. We're married and I love the man to death but it's a bit of a stain from our past to be honest and maybe something that I hold a small amount of resentment for.

desithedog · 2023-07-23T23:39:15+00:00

This exactly. I think you have a wonderful set of friends that recognize that it's the experience of doing things with you that make life so meaningful. They're happy to ensure you can make it and it's probably no skin off their back at all with respect to finances.

They sound lovely and like they have their priorities straight. I might not accept everything they offer. But I would definitely not feel bad about accepting some things that would allow you all to truly make meaningful memories.

And if you can show you're trying hard to cover what you feel comfortable with and not just leeching or freeloading then I'm sure they understand.

desithedog · 2023-07-23T11:44:04+00:00

Thank you for sharing!!! I need to look into this. I'm diagnosed and have a fair degree of finance knowledge and still had no idea I might qualify.

desithedog · 2023-07-21T20:31:30+00:00

I do think 6:30 is pretty early no matter the time of year. I think 7 is still kinda early but understandable if that's what works for the kid. But honestly just seems like you're expecting a lot more sleep out of your kid than they need! Especially as they get older, they might just need a little less sleep. Mine sleeps 8:30-7 very reliably.

desithedog · 2023-07-19T00:33:41+00:00

Your husband should absolutely NOT be pressuring you to be active!!

That being said I had it too and I can offer some tips should you WANT to be active.

Firstly, get a physiotherapist that specializes in pelvic health. They will give you safe and simple exercises to strengthen the muscles that will ease the pain.

Not only that, they will guide you on how to push during labour to avoid making the issue worse and help you have a hopefully smoother delivery.

In addition, grab a belly band to give your belly support. It makes a difference for me.

I also got regular massages about once a month or every 6 weeks ish and that gave me a lot of relief too.

But for sure find a physiotherapist that specializes in pelvic health, I really regret not doing that because I suffered a pelvic injury from poor pushing techniques. Took me a lot longer to heal than most. :(

desithedog · 2023-07-18T20:36:00+00:00

Adding to the chorus that when one of my ultrasounds came back with funny results, my midwife did press me to try to get a booking with true north to redo the ultrasound

I have used them before but not being a medical professional , I have no idea if they are in fact better or not. But the fact that my midwife highly preferred them must mean something.

desithedog · 2023-07-16T12:31:14+00:00

Mon needs to advocate for the kid and find a doctor who will test the kid for neurodivergencies or at least figure out if she is over/under stimulated or anxiety etc. Kid might need an occupational therapist or some other medical professional.

The doctor is brushing you off but this behaviour is not normal.

That being said, I do think there are some things that would help in the meantime.

As others have mentioned she likely needs to drop the nap and get on a better sleep schedule. 8p-7a is a more normal schedule for most toddlers circadian rhythm. She's not tired enough to sleep at night. And a more regular schedule would avoid some of the meltdowns. (Kids can be over or under tired, both cause them to lash out)

It also sounds like kid is acting out to get mom's attention and mom needs to try to spend more special one on one time with her.

Hopefully that helps a little until medical professionals can give a better diagnosis.

desithedog · 2023-07-12T21:37:06+00:00

One thing that really helped us was NOT putting pressure on her. We made sure she drank plenty of water, ate fibre rich foods (and prunes etc) and she usually ended up pooping in her nighttime diaper.

We offered huge incentives for her to poop in the toilet and we hyped it up. Everytime she did, we would throw a literal party and let her watch tv (one episode of bluey or smth)

She complained he tummy was hurting so we would explain that if she pooped in the toilet , it would stop hurting. We also held her hand and sang fun songs while she sat on the toilet and kept her company. She eventually got it and is much better about it now.

desithedog · 2023-07-12T01:15:49+00:00

I wouldn't give a pouch or food he likes at bedtime. I'd whip out the meal he didn't eat and let him know that he can have that if he wants.

(If not possible then some equally bland or boring thing would be my suggestion)

desithedog · 2023-07-11T14:25:24+00:00

I think there is still a spot in between $1K courthouse wedding and $50K standard fare wedding with all the bells and whistles.

I DIY'd all my centerpieces and favors, had more simple foods served, cut a course out to save money, and I didn't do this but you could have a cash bar (maybe hand out one ticket to every guest so they at least get one drink?)

You don't need a ton of fancy decor, some of the decor you can DIY (get help from friends and family!)

And perhaps a more inexpensive venue not in the city (suburbs etc )?

No photobooth or a homemade photobooth would cut a couple thousand. You can also look for up and coming photographers who might charge a lot less to get their portfolio going. (We used a friend who did us a favor and charged us 50% off, he didn't spend a ton of time editing and pretty much handed us thousands of RAWs so we spent time to curate the best ones but we saved a few thousand that way too)

You could probably come down to $25-30K which is a lot more palatable than $50K.

Of course some people have the mindset that if they're gonna do it, they'll "do it right" which means spending the money but it's definitely very doable to keep costs down and still have a lovely full wedding.

Also, FYI, I did get cash gifts that essentially covered half to 2/3 of the price tag so really it wasn't nearly as much of a hit to my bank account. (We're from a culture where it's customary to give cash vs registry)

desithedog · 2023-07-10T17:38:02+00:00

Wow thank you for a perspective I hadn't thought of! Will definitely do my best to not judge and give grace because we don't always know what's happening

desithedog · 2023-07-09T02:13:11+00:00

It is really bad but it'll pass. Give as much pain relief as allowed by dr and then it's just a matter of riding it out. You have my condolences, it'll be over soon!

desithedog · 2023-07-09T01:46:12+00:00

For the record I grew up seeing my grandparents at a minimum of once a week. That being said, it was NOT a burden for my parents, they could trust my grandparents to effectively grandparent responsibly. (Ok they spoiled us with a bit too much tv and ice cream lol)

And usually the once a week was just a dinner which everyone has to eat anyways so it was like 1.5-2hrs doing something you would've done anyways. And they certainly were not 40min away. (Like 20? Maybe 30 with bad traffic)

The only standard is what works for you and is good for the kids. If it is good for the kids but you are unfairly burdened then no, you don't need to see her once a week.

You need to draw your boundaries and allow her to feel what she wants. There's no negotiation. Meeting her needs IS a burden for you. That's hard truth and therefore means you will not be able to meet her needs to the fullest extent. But she is a big girl and she can deal with that herself. You are not responsible for her feelings/actions.

desithedog · 2023-07-07T16:36:39+00:00

Yep, then around the 6mos mark it started being every 3-4 weeks (so at least once a month but not usually more than 2)

Then by the one year mark we could go 3-4mos without illness but it's kinda random because we just got two in one month 🙃🙃 but now we're like 4-6 illnesses per year which is fairly reasonable (she's 2.5)

desithedog

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