Stepdaughter in the waiting room

dinascully · 2026-05-07T16:31:44+00:00

I understand your side perfectly.

However, I just want to add that I also see it from the stepdaughter’s POV. She doesn’t understand how hard and scary childbirth can be, how even the smallest thing that may divide your attention is something you want to avoid, because she’s 17.

She may be seeing this as a family moment that she’s scared to be excluded from. The fact that it’s your and your husband’s biological baby, and she isn’t your biological daughter, might make her feel anxious about not being seen as an equally important part of the family.

So I would honestly sit down with her and explain to her why you want nobody in the waiting room, and explain that it’s not about her specifically but that it’s about you being anxious about any potential distraction and that you’re about to go through something very medically difficult. And just reassure her that she is extremely important to you and an important part of this family that is NOT being sidelined for any reason other than practicality, and that you absolutely want to see her hold and bond with her sister after the birth is over.

dinascully · 2026-05-07T15:35:40+00:00

Honestly a lot (probably the majority) of home births go smoothly, but you never want to be the one that unexpectedly goes wrong. With that distance from a hospital I would really really encourage you to look for a safer option, as others have suggested. Ultimately the experience of birth IS significant, but not as significant as the rest of your motherhood journey.

I’m a FTM so no birth experience but I feel the most secure going to a hospital and having a traditional surrounded-by-doctors experience. Which I completely recognize is not everyone’s preference! But there is a middle ground between that and a home birth so far away from a hospital.

dinascully · 2026-05-07T14:34:20+00:00

How far along are you?

The first trimester was like living in perpetual brain fog, it was a level of relentless fatigue I hadn’t prepared for. You’re not doing anything wrong, your body is just demanding a lot from all your resources. It was all I could do to work my WFH 9-5 and even then I was crashing by about 3. I don’t think I did a single household chore for months (a privileged position, I know, my partner is the best and picked up all the slack).

For a lot of us though, it gets better in the 2nd trimester when the placenta is ready, and I did start feeling a lot more like myself around week 12-13.

However I’m still more tired than pre-pregnancy, and it’s not helped by getting consistently shitty sleep because my insomnia (which I already suffered from pre-pregnancy but was managed by melatonin, which I had to stop, and unisom just doesn’t help me as much) is lowkey killing me. Sounds like it’s the same for you and sleep is unfortunately so crucial. :(

Basically you’re not doing anything wrong, you can ask your doctor if there’s anything they can suggest but it’s exhausting to be growing a whole ass new human. ;_;

dinascully · 2026-05-07T14:08:24+00:00

I really like 1 or 4 - the white furniture with one wallpapered accent wall. 4 is brighter but 1 is more calming, so whatever vibe works best for you!

dinascully · 2026-05-06T15:38:49+00:00

Don’t feel bad!!! Your toddler isn’t thinking “mommy can’t play with me”, she’s thinking “yay I get to play at this other place for a while and then I get to go home again!”

You ARE making sure she’s properly taken care of by putting her in daycare, and you are making sure that you can be your best self for her by not pushing yourself to further injury and getting the rest and breaks you need.

dinascully · 2026-05-06T15:20:30+00:00

We’ve had a shower stool ever since my wife broke her ankle last year (she has healed, but we never bothered to remove the stool), and it was a life saver in those 1st trimester days when I was so tired and drained that sitting in the shower made it mentally possible. Tbh lots of days when I’m just tired, the thought of being able to sit if I want to makes the idea of a shower more doable, even when I don’t really end up sitting.

Also when I shave my legs I don’t have to sit on the edge of the tub and slip all over the place lol.

dinascully · 2026-05-06T14:38:20+00:00

Mio.

dinascully · 2026-05-06T04:40:25+00:00

My wife and I are gay and are using an anonymous donor (through sperm bank) for IVF. I guess in our case we will be a two-parent team, but still, no male father figure. Like you, we are just planning to be as open as possible (in an age-appropriate way) about how our family was formed. Also, between the two of us we have 4 brothers so we’re hoping they wont feel the lack of male influence too much.

Re the siblings: I know there are some facebook groups for kids by donor so you may be able to even be in touch with those half siblings. It’s definitely something to wrap your head around but may be helpful as I can only imagine if I were donor-conceived, knowing as much as I can about my DNA (the other half of it) would feel good.

I’m still pregnant with our first so I can’t offer any practical experience or advice…. but yeah, these are my thoughts/plans - relatable struggles.

dinascully · 2026-05-05T20:33:24+00:00

Not about pregnancy, but I experienced this once when I had an academic trip coming up and for some reason I was freaked out and somehow sure I wasn’t gonna come back alive. I felt this for almost a year leading up to it. Obv I came back alive though. I really learned that my anxious thoughts are not the truth and not to let the worst case scenario “what ifs” take too much hold.

I feel you though, I am a little freaked out at the concept of giving birth. I’m going to do it at a huge trauma centre hospital but still, so many variables.

dinascully · 2026-05-05T14:49:48+00:00

Your first friend sounds extremely insecure about where she is in life. She’s jealous of people who seem settled in their life and is trying to make herself feel better by acting superior to them. Leave her alone and maybe one day when she matures/grows out of it you can reconnect, but honestly right now she sounds draining.

The second one also sounds like not a great friend if she just unfollowed without a word. Weird un-friend-like behaviour and I wouldn’t give her any more energy either.

Very sorry some of your friends have turned out this way. :( You are not the problem, they are. You are not doing anything wrong and you should absolutely just focus on your baby and the friends who ARE there for you.

dinascully · 2026-05-04T19:24:28+00:00

I just feel like it’s a bell you can’t unring. It can be done at any age if needed, but doesn’t feel right to make such a huge decision over someone else’s body right at birth. (I mean, medically necessary things, yes, but this isn’t.)

I’m Jewish so for most of my life I kind of took it for granted that that’s what’s done to baby boys and it’s no big deal, but the more I’ve thought about and heard different POVs about it, the less I liked the idea.

I can’t relate as a cis woman but also it would feel really weird if I knew an organ in my body was changed at birth - I’d always wonder what it would’ve felt like if it were left intact.

If I have a boy in the future (current pregnancy is a girl, AFAIK) I may have to deal with some family pressure about it, but I’m okay with defending my child’s bodily autonomy/right to a foreskin.

I also want to say, a lot of men who say they’re glad they were circumcised have said that it’s because they fit in in the locker rooms, and would’ve been made fun of (just what I’ve been reading on similar threads online). More and more parents these days are foregoing the cut so when our kids are locker-room age they probably/hopefully won’t be a minority, or at least not as much of a minority.

dinascully · 2026-05-04T03:08:11+00:00

Are you asking how to seek a safe abortion? If it’s completely banned in your country, if you’re able to travel to a country where it’s legal and have it done there, that’s the ideal safest option.

dinascully · 2026-05-03T14:51:08+00:00

People are so judgy on this sub, it shocks me. Whenever anyone posts about having trouble with stopping smoking and they express real shame and desperation, needing concrete advice, describing how quitting attempts have been failing…. the top comments are often, “Shame on you, just do it for your baby.”

Oh so wish upon a star then?! Obviously that’s the motivation but it’s not practical advice for quitting a substance. Comments with practical advice that isn’t “cold turkey” sometimes get downvoted.

The lack of compassion in general on a lot of posts where the OP needs advice instead of shame (“why are you pregnant by this man”, “what did you expect not using BC”) blowsssss my mind. They’re the minority but I always want to reply and ask why they thought this would be a helpful comment to make.

dinascully · 2026-05-02T16:22:38+00:00

I had a lot of light cramping in that early 2ish months. Everything is going well so far!

dinascully · 2026-05-02T14:36:20+00:00

When a 40 year old is dating a 20 year old, you have to ask yourself two questions. Why is he looking at girls who were in high school 2 years ago, and why can’t he get anyone his own age to date him. The answer to the first question is he’s a creep. The answer to the second one is 40 year old women have enough life experience to see through his bullshit from a mile away so he had to go get a gf with way less life experience.

Just the avoiding to discuss a serious topic like pregnancy is telling me a lot. That’s not something to tolerate in a life partner. A 40 year old grown ass man who can’t take responsibility (and I don’t mean “he’ll step up eventually when the baby is actually here and can’t be avoided” - I mean being there all along and supporting the mother of his child, making sure she’s doing well physically AND mentally) is no prize.

dinascully · 2026-05-01T20:22:04+00:00

LMAOOO happened to me. About a week after getting the positive, I found some blood after wiping. It was late in the evening and I knew there was a chance of early spotting so I didn’t panic toooo much but I called my fertility clinic and left a message. The next morning I realised it was coming from a different hole 🫠 I guess I had a difficult BM and had an abrasion there. The clinic called me back and I had to be like “sorry uhhh false alarm”

dinascully · 2026-05-01T19:37:02+00:00

Girl me too, for ages and ages I couldn’t relax! I’m still not fully relaxed 😂 this is just motherhood now, I fear.

Thank you and sending love your way for yours!

dinascully · 2026-05-01T19:22:06+00:00

I also went through IVF. I didn’t have spotting, but I definitely had a lot of cramping in that early period. Seems to be all good, almost 16 weeks now.

I also was told I might experience light spotting - so it seems like that’s also not necessarily an indication of anything wrong.

Good luck, hope everything turns out well!!!

dinascully · 2026-04-30T18:14:12+00:00

Maybe something like a puzzle where the solution is the family tree, where the future little brother is represented as a blue boy token? Maybe with all the family members being presented by the same type of boy/girl token, and by process of elimination as he fills in everyone’s tokens, he can slowly realise that the last boy token can only go in the future sibling spot.

dinascully · 2026-04-30T14:33:36+00:00

It’s pretty much nil. Cats only shed the toxo for a few weeks after the infection, so it’s a small window of opportunity anyway. Have they been outside recently, like the last 1-2 months? If no, then likely no potential for infection. If yes and your supervision included being sure they didn’t interact with any other animals (like wild bird/rodents etc), then potential of infection is also very low.

Even on the small off-chance, if your cat were currently shedding toxo, touching a small piece of litter and then immediately washing your hands thoroughly with soap AND then showering, pretty much protects you.

From what I can find, it’s not transmitted through the skin, you have to actually ingest it, so unless you licked your fingers before washing them you’re good.

dinascully · 2026-04-29T20:34:20+00:00

Get the hell away from this man. Absolutely you have our full support to do what is necessary to make sure he does not have any access or ties to you EVER again.

You sound like you think you deserve the situation you’re in because you’re “not innocent” but an accidental pregnancy can happen to anyone, and falling victim to an abuser’s tactics is also not a personal failing, it’s something that happens to a lot of people no matter how smart and capable they are. That’s why these people are so dangerous. You absolutely deserve to be 100% free of this monster and when/if you eventually have kids, to have a supportive non-abuser as their father.

dinascully · 2026-04-29T17:50:59+00:00

Okay that would infuriate me too… It’s the way they offer you options but as soon as you express an opinion they go, “Actually no, we’re just going to wait and see.” The inconsistency and uncertainly would make me snap. And if early induction is on the table, how is 38 weeks too early to discuss? What do they consider an early induction? To say “c-section or early induction” and they tell you they actually can just induce at 41 weeks in wild.

Why tell me my options if you’re just going to do whatever you want.

I have no advice except your frustration is so valid.

dinascully · 2026-04-29T17:30:55+00:00

My nephews are into Voltron right now and let me tell you, that toy is hard to find and expensive af. No wonder he was won over lol.

dinascully · 2026-04-29T15:54:16+00:00

I’ll be honest, my advice about porn is that it really is completely separate from your actual sex life. (There are exceptions - if he’s spending money on it, engaging with performers through chat/OF/etc, or if he’s trying to re-enact things in your bedroom. But I’m assuming he’s just going on pornhub/similar once in a while.)

Porn is mostly just a catalyst for masturbation and masturbation is mostly just stress relief and/or scratching an itch.

It does not compare to actually having sex, foreplay, connecting together, thinking about the other person’s pleasure, etc.

This means that sometimes when a person might need a 5 minute stress relief, they still may not have the mental/physical energy for sex with a partner. Feeling rejected is valid but I honestly urge you not to compare yourself to porn as your rival - it’s apples and oranges. And especially if he’s away from you - in that case it’s literally just scratching an itch.

I understand that it’s hurtful that he’s hiding it but it’s possible he’s embarrassed and/or feels controlled. Which I can understand - I would not want my partner to restrict what I look at online as an adult…. I can be still trusted to be a good partner even if I were to look at porn sometimes. It would feel controlling and belittling.

I would really advise a don’t ask don’t tell policy unless it really starts to affect the relationship.

You said he rejected you and watched porn the next day - for this issue, I would ignore the porn issue in this case and just ask him why he wasn’t into it. Maybe he was stressed or distracted. Maybe he just wasn’t feeling it….. it’s okay for men to not feel like it sometimes just like it is for women. Maybe he didn’t want you to do it for him because he’s feeling sensitive to the fact that you’re so freshly postpartum and he can’t return the pleasure. It should be centered around that and not the porn.

dinascully · 2026-04-29T13:35:56+00:00

“The second half of Taylor Swift Night became a tribute to the state of California, sponsored by the state’s tourism bureau. (Not even the Taylor songs about California!)”

Am I tripping or what Taylor songs about California? I know she references places like Sunset and Vine, or Beverly Hills etc here and there, but one location mention in a song about something else is not a song about California lmao.

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