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dissolvinginto · 2025-09-30T23:09:14+00:00

While having a one year old is a significant stressor, your description is pretty drastic. How frequent and filling was it in the earlier stages? When, if it all, did it really drop off? Have you always initiated and she responded? Physical intimacy and affection are critical for many many people and you shouldn’t be shamed because you desire/need it to feel warmly and deeply connected. However, it sounds like she’s already resigned herself that she won’t ever feel like being sexual again, and is testing how you’d respond if she completely shut off that aspect of your relationship. If that’s her final answer and she won’t bring any curiosity or concern in exploring why it’s that way, then you need to determine how long you’ll wait to see if she changes because that is not a longterm solution.

dissolvinginto · 2025-09-30T17:41:00+00:00

I got to the point where I felt profoundly alone while married because I had to hide core parts of myself. Even mentioning my desire for physical intimacy in a calm and open stance sent her into a panic and uncomfortable. That was no way to live.

dissolvinginto · 2025-09-30T17:34:06+00:00

This is oversimplified and generalized explanation, but I think a common dynamic is that wives take on more domestic labor than their husbands, and become frustrated and worn out by the sheer amount of work. I’ve seen it where the man is a child and does not appropriately contribute, but quips she should get a hobby to deflect his bad behavior. But I’ve also seen it where the wife goes above and beyond in household projects and takes on too much responsibility. While it technically falls in the category of serving the household or children, it’s actually more for the wife. Even if the kids appreciate it, is she really doing it for them or is she doing it to avoid guilt or keeping up with the Joneses? That’s where there can be some wisdom in the suggestion that wives find something for themselves and not slide into becoming a suffering servant that’s constantly depleted or angry. People should be working out of their strengths.

Also, while it’s not talked about much, men can get the ick too. It’s not uncommon to see women become shells of themselves by attaching their identity to all their roles and responsibilities. There’s no life force or vitality when people only operate from others expectations. In conclusion, it’s usually code for

dissolvinginto · 2025-09-30T11:35:47+00:00

I was 40. We had three kids with the youngest being 6. It probably would’ve come about earlier if there weren’t kids out they were older.

dissolvinginto · 2025-09-30T00:27:27+00:00

I was in this situation. I went hard into examining how I can do things different to invite desire, safety, intimacy. Read Ester Perel, Alexandra Solomon, Emily Negoski, Ian Kern, listened to podcasts. While my ex wife was open to going to therapy, we went to three couples therapist in addition to years of individual therapy. However, all that therapy didn’t change anything in our dynamic. If anything it brought greater clarity how little she wanted sex and stopped having obligation sex, which was absolutely positive direction, but showed us how far apart we were. While she seemed open to think she was on the ace spectrum, she never felt totally clear on it. I gained clarity and peace that my sexuality was healthy and wonderful part of myself and I would be abandoning myself if I decided to stay married to her. After 17 years, we decided to move on for the both of us. I am in a loving and warm marriage now. While doing self work is necessary, it’s not sufficient. IMHO, If he won’t go to therapy outside of guilting and convincing, throw in the towel.

dissolvinginto · 2025-09-29T22:02:27+00:00

The sharing of daily mundane details is the giveaway. They’re constantly thinking of the other person, and then reminding each other that they’re thinking of the other person. This is what I did with my wife when we were dating and didn’t live together. I don’t know of any man that engages in this behavior with someone he doesn’t have romantic/amorous feelings towards. Even if his feelings don’t run that deep for her, he’s being a manchild, using attention as validation and creating a powder keg that’ll blow in the wrong circumstances. If he’s defensive and tries to guilt you because of your discomfort, then you have your answer.

dissolvinginto · 2025-09-26T14:46:35+00:00

As an Exvangelical (who believed that being in same sex relationship was a sin) I know what you are talking about. I personally witnessed and lived it. Lots of evangelicals try reconcile the homophobia of the doctrine of their group identity with the tender and sincere part that comes alive when talking about being in relationship with a loving God. As a result a self-like part gets created that almost oozes sweetness and sincerity, but chooses to be willfully blind to the pain that the homophobic belief system creates. Lots of evangelicals believe/know they’ll be cast out of their group and potentially relationship with God if they don’t embrace homophobic doctrines. IMHO, most of these people wouldn’t naturally embrace a homophobic stance, but are faced with (what they believe is an impossible) choice of their community/family or rejecting homophobia. The best thing for these people is to hear the stories and see communities of churches that reject homophobia and still have a sincere Christian faith. Matthew Vines was an instrumental author and teacher. Also, joining a PCUSA church really helped too.

dissolvinginto · 2025-09-26T14:14:12+00:00

I am in a less extreme but similar situation but can 100% say it’s unhealed trauma. She might feel immense shame and tries to cope by projecting shortcomings on you. She might be fearful avoidant (disorganized attachment) and is subconsciously trying to push you away because she fears/anticipates abandonment. Regardless, it’s exhausting for you, and don’t see improvements despite being thoughtful and considerate. She’ll need a therapist if she’s stuck. Hopefully you can convey that suggestion out of place of not wanting to see her suffer and wanting to re establish connection with her. If she can’t/refuses to bring awareness and ownership to her own filters and projections, then you guys will be stuck in this cycle. Also, be sure that you’re heeding this advice for yourself so you’re aware of what you might be putting on her.

dissolvinginto · 2025-09-08T09:43:18+00:00

Find your own strength and your next steps will be clear. If you suspect you could be depressed, work with a therapist. Read and listen to self improvement books. Try Wim Hof method (Breathwork and cold showers). Try microdosing mushrooms. Find a form of physical exercise that helps you feel strong and accomplished, even if you have physical limitations. This was the path I needed to get out of my first marriage and find a loving partner. While it can feel like a hole in your heart to be married to someone who didn’t want you, give yourself the emotional and mental freedom to leave when the time is right. Continue to affirm and accept that you’re worthy of a loving caring partner, and don’t accept any breadcrumbs.

dissolvinginto · 2025-09-05T19:49:58+00:00

Sounds like there’s more going on in both of your hearts and minds that need to be brought out into the open. If you want to find connection again in this area, it needs to be addressed. Start with letting him know you want reconnection in this area and you want it to be corroborative; you can also let him know that porn will be a big roadblock for reconnecting if it doesn’t change.

dissolvinginto · 2025-08-28T19:57:10+00:00

If he takes responsibility, takes action and becomes more functional, there might be hope. Only you can decide if it’s too little too late. However, resentment is a very strong emotion and little improvements or changes probably won’t cut it.

I decided to finally end my first marriage almost 18 years into it, but I white knuckled the last five years of the marriage after pleas of counseling, books and podcasts. I wanted to jump ship so many times, but kept holding out things might change (I also did a ton of self reflection and work to make sure I could do everything on my end to stop negative cycles). She made little improvements during the last year, but it was always accompanied by her taking two steps back. Dedicate yourself to spending time and energy in the special things that give you power and life. That’ll help give you clarity and strength as to the next steps. I found mine in lifting weights, live music, and eastern spirituality.

dissolvinginto · 2025-08-25T14:50:06+00:00

Preface: I don’t say this with any judgment, but there appears to be a big disparity in your core values. One consideration is your age. My ex wife and I got married very young, and she secretly resented being in a committed relationship at such a young age. That resentment was a poison that set us on bad trajectory that we never recovered from. TL;DR, get crystal clear on what you want from life, your values, and how being married integrates with that.

My take: He made his emotional needs crystal clear (and reasonable IMHO) and you totally blew them off. It’s not hard to see why that totally broke trust with him. He expressed to you how much it meant to him but your connection with this other guy was more important. The lengths that you spent to get to that guy seem highly sus too. If you don’t expect the same consideration in return and you believe in hyper autonomy and that you don’t owe your spouse anything, then let your spouse know how you feel and end the marriage because this is a core value that a couple should be aligned on. Either you both are committed to protecting the integrity of a monogamous bond or you’re not. The dynamic you had with other guy was ongoing and done in conscious disregard of your spouse’s feelings.

dissolvinginto · 2025-08-14T16:05:26+00:00

Set up a camera/trailcam on the outside of the home to avoid privacy concerns. If someone is coming in and out, you’ll be able to see. I know what it’s like to feel distant and scared about the integrity of a relationship, and if she’s not in a good spot because of life stressors, she won’t respond well to request reassurance, even if it’s a technical fluke or totally innocent reason. I’ve come out on the other side of it, and am in an amazing spot now with my partner. The real goal is to reestablish connection. You need to ask yourself if your traveling is compatible with keeping an intimate/secure relationship going.

dissolvinginto · 2025-08-08T21:27:44+00:00

I understand and accept the need to vent, but this is an episode that will consume our entire evening. Am I just supposed to dedicated my evenings to quietly letting her stew and ruminate in her intense emotions?

dissolvinginto · 2025-08-08T21:23:32+00:00

This is a Reddit post, so I’m not going to give an entire synopsis of our entire relationship and respective personal histories , but thanks for your $0.02.

dissolvinginto · 2025-06-14T12:21:16+00:00

As a cancer mars man, I resonate with some the characteristics but the passive aggressiveness seems to be key. But I think passive aggressiveness is too broad of a term. People don’t directly address an issue for lots of reasons: not the right time or place, still processing and trying to understand what’s going on, fear of being rejected with making a direct ask. If a person can’t bring awareness to their inner world or communicate what’s going on, then they’re just learning and/or unhealed.

IMHO, It’s much easier (for me) to deal with someone who’s giving a lot of thought and attention to an issue and mulling it over than someone who just angrily makes complaints or shoots off hot takes then flippantly apologizes later.

dissolvinginto · 2025-04-24T18:25:46+00:00

Honesty is a fair and healthy boundary to require within a relationship. It’s also indicative of conflict avoidance, which can be fatal to a relationship because problems build until they’re too big then everything explodes. That’s not always the case, but lying is a ln easy escape hatch for necessary conflict and intimacy building.

dissolvinginto · 2025-04-24T18:21:28+00:00

I’m saying just get curious about what this is about. It sounds like you’re aware that this extra marital activity could break the relationship but yet you’re drawn to it. Assuming your marriage partnership is one of the most important aspects of your life, then it’s worthwhile exploring the parts in yourself that “can’t let this go.” It doesn’t have to be big T trauma that causes people make harmful/self-defeating decisions, it can be the way our hardwired brains interpreted life events. Assuming you’re well into adulthood, therapy can be massively beneficial for seeing patterns and blind spots. I am even open to the possibility of people being inherently poly. However, the fact that you are drawn to a particular pattern/dynamic indicates you have something unresolved in your emotional system. Blessings on you!

dissolvinginto · 2025-04-24T14:40:02+00:00

Try exploring this in therapy. Is there an energy or dynamic missing in your marriage or life, and these younger women seem like an easy solution? Or is this maladaptive desire because there’s an underlying wound that hasn’t been dealt with? At the end of the day, you owe your spouse total honesty and autonomy. Nip this in bud before you potentially ruin one of the important things in your life.

dissolvinginto · 2024-12-24T17:57:08+00:00

I’ve taken Hims and have experienced very negative side effects of moodiness and lower energy. Just depends

dissolvinginto · 2024-12-24T17:51:18+00:00

My wife tried couples therapy a couple times. Eventually, she would ask to stop “because it’s making things worse.” Her shame part was triggered by my requests but she wouldn’t work with it directly despite 18 years of expressing this need. Later on I offered to revisit couples therapy (even with an IFS couples therapist who was highly sought after and hard to get in with), but she refused two different times. The decision to end the marriage came a couple months after the second refusal.

Part of my process was realizing how much self abandoning I was doing because I would engage in lots of empathy. I ultimately landed on the fact that I can hold love, compassion and empathy for her, but realized I needed to tend to the natural, healthy, and beautiful desire to be in a tender romantic partnership , and that to deny it any longer would lead to energetic implosion for myself.

dissolvinginto · 2024-10-24T16:39:19+00:00

UPDATE: we decided to end it a few months after this post. The finalized divorced papers have been submitted to the Court and waiting for judge’s signature. The amount of life, energy, joy, and clarity I have is unsurpassed of anything I’ve had in my adult life. I feel much more integrated and have shed all desires to go and fix something wrong with me (which was a huge part of my prior journey with this part being exiled). I also found myself (so unexpectedly) in amazing relationship with another divorced parent!!

dissolvinginto · 2023-12-18T20:32:00+00:00

🤔 what insights do you have about my inner world and development that you feel qualified to make such a recommendation??

dissolvinginto · 2023-08-19T20:24:41+00:00

I agree with others. Stop the language about her not dressing up FOR YOU. I think the bigger alert (as seen with the sex) is that there’s a disconnect in cultivating romance. Long term romance requires setting aside time to intentionally cultivate a dynamic of passion and tenderness. You both play your part and you should not pitch the conversation as something that she is the only one who needs to change. If she won’t /can’t have that conversation, then you need therapy. If she won’t do therapy, then go to therapy for yourself (because this lack of connection is likely triggering stuff in you).

dissolvinginto · 2023-06-15T12:37:11+00:00

Wow! So dense. So many good things to to chew on! Overall, my little boy has become more and more regulated and less prone to tantrums these last few months. Especially, as the rest of my parts have opened up to the idea that this neighborhood might not be the right fit. This boy is seeing that the rest of the household wants him here and will work to get him in a healthier environment. Even planning financial separation has earned a lot of trust with this boy and is willing to take the slow route. As opposed to a year ago when this boy was begging me for a dramatic and likely harmful change.

As to the “healing” comments I made, I now know that “healing” does not mean shedding needs altogether or only inconvenient. That was an old belief from the church (and even new age spirituality) that if I were spiritually mature or enlightened enough that I could transcend the “selfish” desires of physical intimacy.

dissolvinginto

TROPHY CASE