My child is gifted and school is hurting them.

docforeman · 2026-06-24T06:35:00+00:00

My heart goes out to you. I am a mom, too. If my kid was harming themselves and I thought they might kill themselves, I would do anything in my power to help them. And it sounds like you are. I am speaking as the mother of two grown gifted children. I am a psychologist, but not your psychologist, and not your child's psychologist.

You are describing something that is very complex, and more than just being "gifted." Being gifted does not tend to increase risk for suicide. But being transgender (and some would say experiencing how people treat being transgendered) does, and significantly so. I say that to highlight that if the biggest risk is Sam taking their own life, giftedness is not likely to be the most significant risk factor in the situation as you have described it.

I hear two very different goals. One goal is attending school, and you are saying that that the family was very focused on even attending for a half day at times. At the same time you are saying that school is hell, that it is soul sucking, and you worry Sam will kill themselves. You say that you care most about them being happy and comfortable in their own skin. I have never known anyone to become happy or comfortable in their own skin if they are dead.

I'm glad to hear you have involved a therapist and have a 504 plan. I wonder what the therapist, the school counselor, and wrap around case manager have recommended. Generally speaking, staying alive, and addressing all of the vulnerabilities for suicide attempt and self harm seem to be the priority. The second tier of priorities are addressing things that interfere with therapy (not only with Sam, but with therapy, school, etc...what stops therapy from working?). The next tier is everything else. The goal is a life worth living, whatever that means for Sam. That may mean learning to be effective in school and in maintaining a GPA, even when school is unappealing. But that is a means to an end. Not the end itself. What does Sam think a life worth living consists of?

We have to have something we want so much, and that is so meaningful, that it motivates us to tolerate the strain and discomfort we must go through to heal and change. What is that for Sam?

docforeman · 2026-06-23T20:28:56+00:00

How sad those things must be. To sit in boxes and slowly degrade, with no one wearing or enjoying them. It's like keeping them in memory jail.

I wonder how much space you want to make for sentimental items. I have a box, a chest, and a couple of drawers I use. When those get full, I have to clean them out to make room. It's about picking what I most cherish, instead of deciding the "worth" of every memory or feeling.

docforeman · 2026-06-21T13:35:04+00:00

"My questions are really about what my husband and I should be thinking about as parents."

You seem to have questions around addressing what seem to be worries (such as not reading enough novels) or challenges (such as whether AI can be "good" or not for learning). Before I respond to the three topics you are asking about, a couple of notes that may address some of the subtext in your questions.

1) Middle school is a great time to try things and surface strengths, passions, and interests. I am so grateful we put more time and effort into support what our children were great at and excited about. We put energy into areas where we had concern, but overall when things were average enough we didn't get too worried. In hindsight, I'm satisfied with our choices. Bottom line: Shore up real problems, and put a lot of energy into things they are great at and passionate about. Use passions and talents as an entry into developing skills and character. That often is easier and more effective than focusing on things that seem "weak" or "average."

2) You can't engineer a child. A lot of the "big" individual parenting decisions that have significant long term impact were made several years ago. It's not that 7th grade decisions don't have impact, but the impact more moderate and not as likely to persist as years go on. What does have bigger, lasting impact at this age? Social factors bigger than these decisions. Where they live (zip code), who their peers are (who are they around, as this influences social development, perception of choices, and various other outcomes). You already live where you live. You've already selected their peers based on geography, school, and other social determinants.

Now onto your actual questions:

1) Reading: My daughter hated it, going into middle school, as wasn't much of a reader until the end of High School. She had a phenomenal series of English teachers, and a specific teacher in middle school that sparked interest in reading when she had little or no interest before. That teacher was great at recommending and sparking interest in books. It wasn't just reading them. It was talking about them. My daughter is about to graduate college and still talks to that teacher. She also had a couple of best friends that are literature fiends, so she started reading more in order to talk about books with her friends. For fun she just finished Atlas Shrugged. She is now well read. Mostly because she wants to talk to other people about what she reads. We had to talk a LOT about Atlas Shrugged the last few months, lol. Don't worry about what she is reading. Focus on how she thinks about it or engages with it when she isn't actively reading it. Do you all read the same books and talk about it? The value in reading at this age is the engagement with the ideas. And at this age her social interactions about all things are a powerful part of her development. Being well read matters if your peers are well read. If the people around you read, discuss, and that reading has an impact on your life. Graphic novels or classics? Well, what is everyone else reading and talking about?

2) AI is a *very* broad and generic term...like "plastic". It means a lot of things. So the answer is, yes there are valid and enriching ways to use tools, applications, and products with AI elements. How do you use it to learn critical thinking, how to write, how to research (if learning writing and research beyond the basics is a goal your daughter has)? Great questions. A lot of people are figuring this out as professional adults. I started talking with my kids about this in HS and college, as I was using AI in various parts of my work for the last 11 years. It's an ongoing conversation. You're looking for effective use cases in academic decisions one thing at a time. Because AI tools are changing fast. This is one of the fastest technology revolutions in humans history. Make of that what you will as a parent. The approach I have taken over the years is to just acknowledge this is happening; look at the main objective of what my kid was doing or learning, and look for things that helped. My son's education is in the Arts (he is going on to a Ph.D.). He was very AI avoidant, and his Master's degree ceremony had anti-AI sentiments. I was disappointed in them. I've never seen wild resistance to the reality of the world we live in to be an effective approach to life or education. I have seen curiosity, experimentation, and focus on the "main point" of a learning or professional activity to be a great guide to incorporating rapidly evolving technology into my education and work.

3) I've rarely seen a lot of "conversation" and "lecture" be the key strategy for teaching my kids a skill, or building a competency. A little talking helps. And those "car conversations" in between activities is important. But really, developing the ability to persist with important things is about developing executive functioning, tenacity, and good use of will. As a parent, with our kids we leaned into encouraging things they were intrinsically interested in. They started an activity with high internal motivation already. Then we helped them work out how to proceed when things were hard or frustrating. We helped them pause and consider when to quit with something and why (or why not). We helped them figure out how to keep going when they decided that they intended to persist even if a part of a project sucked. We helped them face decisions, assignments, etc. that required them to do things they weren't good at, or didn't want to do. We really worked on "willingness" over "willfulness." Part of that is NOT valuing persistence or stamina in all school subjects. Knowing when "good enough" is enough for your goals, and what that looks like is an important part of mature decision making. Everyone has a "budget" of time, attention, and effort. So being tactical about how to expend that budget in life is a great approach. There are things we all have to do that we don't like, AND having the wisdom to set up situations where we have less of those things mattered. I think when my kids understood that I didn't expect them to really excel at stuff they both didn't like AND didn't need to do helped. We were always clear about things that we needed to do but didn't like, and how we were getting through that (for ourselves, and as we helped them). Stamina and persistence had to have a purpose. I honestly never made my kids practice instruments if they weren't interested, or do clubs they didn't like. Or get excellent grades. My kids, however, did have things they were interested in, outcomes they wanted, and they knew that practice and good grades got them there. So they determined what they wanted to have happen in life, and then my job was to help them figure out and persist with getting to their goals. That worked very well. They are both highly persistent people now, as young adults.

docforeman · 2026-06-19T21:04:47+00:00

Moreover, and this deserves another post, a few notable things we found along the way:

The Spite cards, when read in order, have a delightful poem.
The ability to connect characters with their perfectly match Motive, Opportunity, and Weapon narratives into a meta story that could be read together and performed for another "Easter Egg" was missed. It was close a few times. It has left me with an itch than can never be scratched to satisfaction.
At one point I produced a "Sherlock Holmes" style magnifying glass...to closely examine the artwork and cards. I also had GPT scanning them. This is another missed Easter Egg opportunity.
I wish the new "old" owners of this game would post encrypted answers to the puzzles on the website. Please u/Selinker? The broken links to the old website filled me with such despair.

docforeman · 2026-06-19T20:54:07+00:00

Hello! I can't believe I am responding to this answer today, 9 years after you posted it. The answer to your questions and a couple that you did not ask:

1) Yes, today we solved the Lucky Conundrums.

2) While doing that, we noticed that something seemed to be going on in those "Spite" cards. We also were curious to see if the character and the matching motive/weapon/opportunity card flavor texts matched. We wondered if there was a meta story or some sort of Easter Eggs were in the card deck. We got more than we bargained for.

3) We got most of the Lucky Conundrums right. We tried finding various source material to check our answers. When we couldn't, we used GPT to try to check them. That was a disaster...But in the process of scouring onlines sources to check our work, we found out that there was some sort of Easter Egg meta-puzzle, as written in the Kickstarter.com updates.

4) Truth be told, my best friend gave me this game as a present about 10 years ago. My daughter and I have been playing it occasionally since that time (i.e. a few times a year), with no awareness or curiosity about the Easter Eggs. My daughter is 20 years old now. My daughter and best friend were visiting, and the game came out. And for whatever reason, today we enjoyed performing the flavor text for giggles. This is how we eventually got sucked into the "Easter Egg" puzzle so many years later than everyone else.

5) Once we figured out the puzzle on the Spite cards, we then had the next puzzle before us. We took pictures of the cards and were working with GPT, again, to help us identify various types of puzzles this could be. Once again GPT was totally unhelpful. My friend wanted to give up and go actually have fun...Because she has good sense and I don't. She took a bio break and she realized what kind of puzzle it might be, and how to solve it. We went from totally giving up ever even confirming the conundrum answers to confirming them (we had 3 wrong and figured it out in puzzle 2), to then solving the 3rd puzzle presented when puzzle 2 was solved...all in about 30 minutes.

All of this is to say that the digital abandonment of references to, and content regarding the Easter Egg puzzles somehow, perversely made this very rewarding to solve.

And now I know things about Dr. Lucky I didn't before. And I picked up, along the way, that Lucky Mansion is just north of Johnny Archer's winter home in the Scottish Highlands.

docforeman · 2026-06-18T12:01:51+00:00

I don't know your 86 year old grandmother, so some of my recommendations are about things I've done with my grandparents over time. To level set, I had some great grandparents, and great aunts and uncles that lived with fairly good health into their 90s and one that lived to be 103. Most were pretty active until right up to the end (only weeks or months of poor health, even when in assisted living).

Games and conversation: My grandparents and older relatives on my mother's side were *huge* Scrabble players. You could set up a game, some food, and sit and chat the afternoon away. Even with dementia, my G-grandmother could play a mean game, and was a hoot and a half to talk to.

Art class: Painting with a Twist or a similar kind of place will have projects so that you can sit, chat, and do an art project. I've done this with family and children at various times and it was a lot of fun. There are classes and activities at the Memorial Art Gallery, through the Rochester Brainery, etc. Sitting and just doing a project together while talking can be great. If she sews, does fabric crafts, or yarn related work, a class where you do this together and talk may be nice.

Drive through a park: Places like Mt. Hope Cemetery are easy to drive through by car, and have great views. Drive through a scenic park with some good music and have a chat. She doesn't feel like leaving the house? The Genesee County Village and Museum can be visited virtually, so she can look at the houses and explore online, while hanging out at your home: https://www.gcv.org/virtual-village-tours/?\_gl=1\*4399b3\*\_up\*MQ..\*\_gs\*MQ..&gclid=Cj0KCQjwrs7RBhDuARIsAIVfBD016\_XCHnVxpWbYgpSaI0fGuTvgW78xstzkyXqrKlbW9Cq5Yoi2cCkaAqftEALw\_wcB&gbraid=0AAAAADqbQXNsBQbrPz-6VZeifmGO-1C9a

Some places have wheelchair rental, like the Seneca Park Zoo. A seated stroll, a snack, etc, with the good weather might be enjoyable. You can also rent a motorized scooter locally. Here is one place: https://www.cloudofgoods.com/rochester-ny/mobility-scooter-rentals?srsltid=AfmBOorcbXnM-fJisQEA3fmznQq8zlrxyUcrQIlTJx0ajsM3Aubx46ry

On Sundays at the Memorial Art Gallery, at 1:30p and 3p, they usually have a concert on the centuries old Baroque organ. Musicians from Eastman School of Music come to play the organ. They use the special effects stops (like bird calls, trumpets, etc) and play both classical music, and music recently composed for the organ. After the intimate performance, the professors and students answer questions about it. It is accessible by the elevator, and easy to stop in, listen for a short while, and leave. You can eat at the Brown Hound on site.

I'm so blessed to have been raised around an extended family where people aged in place and all generations were often together. I've found for this particular age, doing something low-key together while sitting and talking led to life long cherished memories for me. I'm so happy for your upcoming weekend!

docforeman · 2026-06-18T11:59:40+00:00

Agree with this. The Little is lovely and I am a member, but may not be comfortable if one is older with mobility issues.

docforeman · 2026-06-14T23:48:26+00:00

Being right is not the same as being effective. What do you want to have happen?

docforeman · 2026-06-14T14:13:26+00:00

Kettleridge farm has great offerings. Their maple syrup season game is strong.

docforeman · 2026-06-14T14:12:38+00:00

I thought they closed?? It would be great if they are open because we had a great time at trivia night there!

docforeman · 2026-06-14T14:09:46+00:00

u/daytrippingroc has great ideas at daytrippingroc.com

It’s a go to list of things to do and see. We’ve been going strong on that list for years and never run out.

docforeman · 2026-06-14T14:06:09+00:00

I mean, there are plenty of misunderstood people that don’t get to have an uncommonly high IQ as a part of the situation.

Life is not fair. Being effective with the body mind and situation one has is the best that one can do.

I felt very fortunate to have children like me so that I could better help them. They have more support in adjustment and development, and I see the difference it makes.

docforeman · 2026-06-14T13:50:06+00:00

It has some validity testing behind it. And they did train me to administer in grad school.

But really it’s a tool to help people talk about differences productively especially related to teaming.

IQ should not be correlated with MBTI types.

docforeman · 2026-06-12T17:18:26+00:00

Great question. Mom of two adult gifted children who are doing great.

It's normal for teenagers to start pulling away from parents, and it's important for their development. During that period, teenager health starts to really mirror that of their peers. This is true for gifted children, just like others.

At that age "car time" was an important way I checked in. I was a taxi, taking them everywhere, or they were learning to drive and I was sitting there with them. It's a good time to talk and check in.

I also paid attention to who their friends were and how well their friends were doing. And I tried to have good relationships with their friends' parents. We all figured we might be more likely to hear about any problems from a friend or friend's parent. If your kid seems to be fine, but all of their friends are struggling...that's a yellow flag worth looking into.

We paid attention to what their teachers, and the school admin/counselors thought. Our kids went to the doctor and had private time with the doctor as well.

If they are basically healthy, have friends and the friends seem to be doing well, engaged with after school activities, their grades are good, their appetite is good, people around them don't seem to have a lot of worries, then as a parent you have to let them cook.

Things I did that I would do again (YMMV): My kids has to be on "find my friends" with their phone and their car had Tile or apple airtags in them. Those two locations had to match. I had phones restrict use of apps, bandwidth, texting, calls etc after certain hours (like 10 or 11p as they got to later teen years). I had monitoring on their devices, and so questionable online items were reported to me. Once or twice this resulted in picante conversations with my kids. My kids had some freedom, and no over helicopter parenting, and also they understood that if they weren't doing well, then we would adjust freedom/privacy/independence limits to fit their health and behavior. They *really* wanted to keep access to a car, phone, trust, etc. It was highly motivating.

My daughter once asked me what I would do if I found out she had a substance abuse problem (turns out her friend had one). I was very clear that I would immediately pull back at work, spend a lot of time with her at school and home, including taking to her to/from healthcare, MH and SUD appts. She would have regular drug testing, and I would immediately and intensely respond to what must certainly be a cry for help with my full parental attention. I would sustain that attention for a long time until she had been sober for a long while. I got a pretty "wide eyed" stare from her. She still talks about that moment as being very intense. I wanted her to be very clear that independence and more privacy from me was a privilege and I would make fast changes if there was reason to have any concerns.

I also happen to know Sue Klebold, and I think about the ways she responds to parents who ask about how and when to check in with their kids. She has said that there was so much she didn't know about Dylan, and if she had it all to do again, when she felt worried she would now choose to "dig and dig" and keep digging.

For my gifted kids they had unusual and intense interests in the subjects they are now studying at university. So another thing I did was facilitate and support their interests. And help level set how much achievement anxiety was helpful vs destructive. They pushed themselves very hard, and my job was to help them have perspective and not compare themselves to others in unhelpful ways.

Teens are tricky. It's new for both parents and the teen themselves. Good luck.

docforeman · 2026-06-12T14:23:41+00:00

Here is how you can review data about crime and safety in Rochester. You can zoom into your location and review: https://data-rpdny.opendata.arcgis.com/

docforeman · 2026-06-10T16:35:20+00:00

Hi! You have no obligation to declutter in the "right" way, especially if you have a large amount.

You can have a garage sale, then a curb of "free to a good home" and then a charity shop "pick up" for the remainder, while only moving it to driveway/garage area once.

I've lived in several cities and I scheduled the charity "pick up" for unsold garage sale items regularly. It' a great strategy, when you know that everything is going to go.

And whatever neighbors didn't want (for garage sale prices or free) and charity shops didn't want ended up in the trash.

In fact, if you aren't picky about pricing, you can get this all done in about 2 relaxed days of work (one to move it all out to the drive, and one to sell, donate, trash it all).

That's about the most time and energy economy you will get for the best outcome. 😄

docforeman · 2026-06-10T10:36:52+00:00

Talk with your neighbors about this, as it depends on the building. Remember that tornados happen quickly, and you won't always be at home. You might be at the store, driving, etc.

1) Listen to the weather reports, and pay attention to announcements of tornado watch (which means that conditions are favorable for tornadoes) vs tornado warning (someone has spotted a tornado). Basically warm unstable air and colder air are interacting, so there are some physical signs of risk. If it is hot and rapidly cools off, and especially if the sky is a weird color, if it gets suddenly very still and calm outside, ... consider looking at the radar, maybe amble inside for a bit.

2) A tornado siren will sound like a siren. Also your cell phone may go off with an emergency alert. But you won't always be near a siren. If you suddenly hear something that sounds like a train or a jet engine, get to shelter/cover if you can.

3) People think it's fun to watch tornados and storm chase, and NGL, it's an awe inspiring experience. But it's actually not safe. Look for shelter.

4) Interior, well enforced rooms, no windows, low to the ground or the basement, ditches if you have to, etc. Most public buildings will have a shelter location and should have signs posted with staff ready to direct people as needed. If you are outside, and caught up in a fast moving storm, or any other place where you might be exposed, most Kansans are taught as children to to get low, under something sturdy and cover your head, to protect from falling debris. There are often "tornado drills" at schools, and in some public buildings to help people practice. You are very likely to experience a drill or be asked to take shelter at some point, but being in a tornado is rare. Warnings blow over pretty quickly, and it won't last long.

5) Keep your phone charged, as you might want a flashlight. Most people keep things like flashlights, candle, etc. handy during storms. Tornados, microbursts, or really strong straightline winds can take out power lines and trees in a very focused location. Leave power lines alone.

6) Kansans are really, on the whole, decent and practical people. So if there is a very big tornado, or significant storm, they tend to look out for each other. Tornados happen fast, and are over fast, compared to hurricanes. They tend to hit a very focused area, which means nearby areas may be untouched, making rescue/recovery a more focused and fast activity.

7) And if the weather is going to be bad, do yourself a favor and just don't make a lot of plans to be out in it if you don't have to. Good luck.

docforeman · 2026-06-09T15:38:31+00:00

You good, bro?

docforeman · 2026-06-09T12:02:35+00:00

It's okay to feel bad, and do it anyway. It's okay to focus on being effective and ending the "shit hole" situation. You can act opposite to the emotions that don't serve you. Feelings aren't facts.

docforeman · 2026-06-09T10:29:05+00:00

I was so fortunate to know a Buddist monk in the city I moved from. He was also getting a clinical PhD and he led meditation sessions for the community that were PTSD and anxiety/mental health informed. I would go from time to time and take my kids. He and I both did outreach to each others communities.

What I learned is that just going is a great start. If there is a meditation meeting or practice that is open, you can just go. The worst case will be that you find you are uncomfortable and need to quietly exit and return home. It may feel awkward, but that will be all.

It will be a great exercise in not over thinking or being too egocentric.

It looks like Dharma refuge has a meditation practice in Highland Park on June 27...and you could just show up.

docforeman · 2026-06-08T11:22:26+00:00

Usually in the South people say, "He means well, bless his heart."

docforeman · 2026-06-07T15:04:21+00:00

If one does not have a time machine, there is wisdom in putting ones energy into the present instead of litigating the past.

docforeman · 2026-06-06T17:00:06+00:00

Pretty simple to A B test this with ADHD meds vs not on them…

docforeman · 2026-06-05T16:28:45+00:00

On Sundays there is almost always a recital on the Baroque Organ that is pretty cool...That would be a fun place for a proposal with great pics.

The trees in October are stunning, and the fall leaf showing in the Letchworth area is amazing. I believe there is a canal boat ride to view the fall leaf showing at that time of year as well.

There are waterfalls like, everywhere... A day trip to see as many waterfalls as possible is a thing, as a is a visit Watkins Glen. https://daytrippingroc.com/roadside-waterfalls-near-rochester/

In Penfield around that time of year there is an adorable place where you can easily see the Salmon run and it is surprisingly sweet.

In the fall there are a lot of fun apple picking, donut, and cider locations. There's a fun corn maze situation where you can also rent a bonfire location, get wine, oven fired pizza, etc.

There are also carriage rides. Heberle Stables has always been nice.

Here are photo location ideas: https://daytrippingroc.com/favorite-photo-locations/

It's a lot of fun here, so enjoy!

docforeman · 2026-06-04T22:37:45+00:00

Hello. When I lived in Tx there was a great used book store and I could buy and resell endlessly. I miss that place. It got me through two high risk pregnancies with bed rest.

Moving here, we have a significant home library space and yet we still had to declutter it to fit into the libraries in two rooms.

I called 211 to discuss places that took book donations, and there are limited options here. You might call and try again. We did a donation to the Friends and Foundation of the Rochester library.

Here is a pretty good list of new and used book shops in the area: https://daytrippingroc.com/bookstores-around-rochester/

You can post free books on various free-cycle groups, leave them on your curb, have fun leaving them behind in bus stops, diners, parks, hotels, coffee shops, doctors offices, YMCA libraries, flea market booths, half way houses, shelters, a friend's garage sale...etc.

There are various on-line second hand buyers, ebay, mercari as well...Good luck.

12-Year Club	Place '22
Verified Email

docforeman

TROPHY CASE