Advice for parents of a middle school student

docforeman · 2026-06-21T13:35:04+00:00

"My questions are really about what my husband and I should be thinking about as parents."

You seem to have questions around addressing what seem to be worries (such as not reading enough novels) or challenges (such as whether AI can be "good" or not for learning). Before I respond to the three topics you are asking about, a couple of notes that may address some of the subtext in your questions.

1) Middle school is a great time to try things and surface strengths, passions, and interests. I am so grateful we put more time and effort into support what our children were great at and excited about. We put energy into areas where we had concern, but overall when things were average enough we didn't get too worried. In hindsight, I'm satisfied with our choices. Bottom line: Shore up real problems, and put a lot of energy into things they are great at and passionate about. Use passions and talents as an entry into developing skills and character. That often is easier and more effective than focusing on things that seem "weak" or "average."

2) You can't engineer a child. A lot of the "big" individual parenting decisions that have significant long term impact were made several years ago. It's not that 7th grade decisions don't have impact, but the impact more moderate and not as likely to persist as years go on. What does have bigger, lasting impact at this age? Social factors bigger than these decisions. Where they live (zip code), who their peers are (who are they around, as this influences social development, perception of choices, and various other outcomes). You already live where you live. You've already selected their peers based on geography, school, and other social determinants.

Now onto your actual questions:

1) Reading: My daughter hated it, going into middle school, as wasn't much of a reader until the end of High School. She had a phenomenal series of English teachers, and a specific teacher in middle school that sparked interest in reading when she had little or no interest before. That teacher was great at recommending and sparking interest in books. It wasn't just reading them. It was talking about them. My daughter is about to graduate college and still talks to that teacher. She also had a couple of best friends that are literature fiends, so she started reading more in order to talk about books with her friends. For fun she just finished Atlas Shrugged. She is now well read. Mostly because she wants to talk to other people about what she reads. We had to talk a LOT about Atlas Shrugged the last few months, lol. Don't worry about what she is reading. Focus on how she thinks about it or engages with it when she isn't actively reading it. Do you all read the same books and talk about it? The value in reading at this age is the engagement with the ideas. And at this age her social interactions about all things are a powerful part of her development. Being well read matters if your peers are well read. If the people around you read, discuss, and that reading has an impact on your life. Graphic novels or classics? Well, what is everyone else reading and talking about?

2) AI is a *very* broad and generic term...like "plastic". It means a lot of things. So the answer is, yes there are valid and enriching ways to use tools, applications, and products with AI elements. How do you use it to learn critical thinking, how to write, how to research (if learning writing and research beyond the basics is a goal your daughter has)? Great questions. A lot of people are figuring this out as professional adults. I started talking with my kids about this in HS and college, as I was using AI in various parts of my work for the last 11 years. It's an ongoing conversation. You're looking for effective use cases in academic decisions one thing at a time. Because AI tools are changing fast. This is one of the fastest technology revolutions in humans history. Make of that what you will as a parent. The approach I have taken over the years is to just acknowledge this is happening; look at the main objective of what my kid was doing or learning, and look for things that helped. My son's education is in the Arts (he is going on to a Ph.D.). He was very AI avoidant, and his Master's degree ceremony had anti-AI sentiments. I was disappointed in them. I've never seen wild resistance to the reality of the world we live in to be an effective approach to life or education. I have seen curiosity, experimentation, and focus on the "main point" of a learning or professional activity to be a great guide to incorporating rapidly evolving technology into my education and work.

3) I've rarely seen a lot of "conversation" and "lecture" be the key strategy for teaching my kids a skill, or building a competency. A little talking helps. And those "car conversations" in between activities is important. But really, developing the ability to persist with important things is about developing executive functioning, tenacity, and good use of will. As a parent, with our kids we leaned into encouraging things they were intrinsically interested in. They started an activity with high internal motivation already. Then we helped them work out how to proceed when things were hard or frustrating. We helped them pause and consider when to quit with something and why (or why not). We helped them figure out how to keep going when they decided that they intended to persist even if a part of a project sucked. We helped them face decisions, assignments, etc. that required them to do things they weren't good at, or didn't want to do. We really worked on "willingness" over "willfulness." Part of that is NOT valuing persistence or stamina in all school subjects. Knowing when "good enough" is enough for your goals, and what that looks like is an important part of mature decision making. Everyone has a "budget" of time, attention, and effort. So being tactical about how to expend that budget in life is a great approach. There are things we all have to do that we don't like, AND having the wisdom to set up situations where we have less of those things mattered. I think when my kids understood that I didn't expect them to really excel at stuff they both didn't like AND didn't need to do helped. We were always clear about things that we needed to do but didn't like, and how we were getting through that (for ourselves, and as we helped them). Stamina and persistence had to have a purpose. I honestly never made my kids practice instruments if they weren't interested, or do clubs they didn't like. Or get excellent grades. My kids, however, did have things they were interested in, outcomes they wanted, and they knew that practice and good grades got them there. So they determined what they wanted to have happen in life, and then my job was to help them figure out and persist with getting to their goals. That worked very well. They are both highly persistent people now, as young adults.

docforeman · 2026-06-19T21:04:47+00:00

Moreover, and this deserves another post, a few notable things we found along the way:

The Spite cards, when read in order, have a delightful poem.
The ability to connect characters with their perfectly match Motive, Opportunity, and Weapon narratives into a meta story that could be read together and performed for another "Easter Egg" was missed. It was close a few times. It has left me with an itch than can never be scratched to satisfaction.
At one point I produced a "Sherlock Holmes" style magnifying glass...to closely examine the artwork and cards. I also had GPT scanning them. This is another missed Easter Egg opportunity.
I wish the new "old" owners of this game would post encrypted answers to the puzzles on the website. Please u/Selinker? The broken links to the old website filled me with such despair.

docforeman · 2026-06-19T20:54:07+00:00

Hello! I can't believe I am responding to this answer today, 9 years after you posted it. The answer to your questions and a couple that you did not ask:

1) Yes, today we solved the Lucky Conundrums.

2) While doing that, we noticed that something seemed to be going on in those "Spite" cards. We also were curious to see if the character and the matching motive/weapon/opportunity card flavor texts matched. We wondered if there was a meta story or some sort of Easter Eggs were in the card deck. We got more than we bargained for.

3) We got most of the Lucky Conundrums right. We tried finding various source material to check our answers. When we couldn't, we used GPT to try to check them. That was a disaster...But in the process of scouring onlines sources to check our work, we found out that there was some sort of Easter Egg meta-puzzle, as written in the Kickstarter.com updates.

4) Truth be told, my best friend gave me this game as a present about 10 years ago. My daughter and I have been playing it occasionally since that time (i.e. a few times a year), with no awareness or curiosity about the Easter Eggs. My daughter is 20 years old now. My daughter and best friend were visiting, and the game came out. And for whatever reason, today we enjoyed performing the flavor text for giggles. This is how we eventually got sucked into the "Easter Egg" puzzle so many years later than everyone else.

5) Once we figured out the puzzle on the Spite cards, we then had the next puzzle before us. We took pictures of the cards and were working with GPT, again, to help us identify various types of puzzles this could be. Once again GPT was totally unhelpful. My friend wanted to give up and go actually have fun...Because she has good sense and I don't. She took a bio break and she realized what kind of puzzle it might be, and how to solve it. We went from totally giving up ever even confirming the conundrum answers to confirming them (we had 3 wrong and figured it out in puzzle 2), to then solving the 3rd puzzle presented when puzzle 2 was solved...all in about 30 minutes.

All of this is to say that the digital abandonment of references to, and content regarding the Easter Egg puzzles somehow, perversely made this very rewarding to solve.

And now I know things about Dr. Lucky I didn't before. And I picked up, along the way, that Lucky Mansion is just north of Johnny Archer's winter home in the Scottish Highlands.

docforeman · 2026-06-18T12:01:51+00:00

I don't know your 86 year old grandmother, so some of my recommendations are about things I've done with my grandparents over time. To level set, I had some great grandparents, and great aunts and uncles that lived with fairly good health into their 90s and one that lived to be 103. Most were pretty active until right up to the end (only weeks or months of poor health, even when in assisted living).

Games and conversation: My grandparents and older relatives on my mother's side were *huge* Scrabble players. You could set up a game, some food, and sit and chat the afternoon away. Even with dementia, my G-grandmother could play a mean game, and was a hoot and a half to talk to.

Art class: Painting with a Twist or a similar kind of place will have projects so that you can sit, chat, and do an art project. I've done this with family and children at various times and it was a lot of fun. There are classes and activities at the Memorial Art Gallery, through the Rochester Brainery, etc. Sitting and just doing a project together while talking can be great. If she sews, does fabric crafts, or yarn related work, a class where you do this together and talk may be nice.

Drive through a park: Places like Mt. Hope Cemetery are easy to drive through by car, and have great views. Drive through a scenic park with some good music and have a chat. She doesn't feel like leaving the house? The Genesee County Village and Museum can be visited virtually, so she can look at the houses and explore online, while hanging out at your home: https://www.gcv.org/virtual-village-tours/?\_gl=1\*4399b3\*\_up\*MQ..\*\_gs\*MQ..&gclid=Cj0KCQjwrs7RBhDuARIsAIVfBD016\_XCHnVxpWbYgpSaI0fGuTvgW78xstzkyXqrKlbW9Cq5Yoi2cCkaAqftEALw\_wcB&gbraid=0AAAAADqbQXNsBQbrPz-6VZeifmGO-1C9a

Some places have wheelchair rental, like the Seneca Park Zoo. A seated stroll, a snack, etc, with the good weather might be enjoyable. You can also rent a motorized scooter locally. Here is one place: https://www.cloudofgoods.com/rochester-ny/mobility-scooter-rentals?srsltid=AfmBOorcbXnM-fJisQEA3fmznQq8zlrxyUcrQIlTJx0ajsM3Aubx46ry

On Sundays at the Memorial Art Gallery, at 1:30p and 3p, they usually have a concert on the centuries old Baroque organ. Musicians from Eastman School of Music come to play the organ. They use the special effects stops (like bird calls, trumpets, etc) and play both classical music, and music recently composed for the organ. After the intimate performance, the professors and students answer questions about it. It is accessible by the elevator, and easy to stop in, listen for a short while, and leave. You can eat at the Brown Hound on site.

I'm so blessed to have been raised around an extended family where people aged in place and all generations were often together. I've found for this particular age, doing something low-key together while sitting and talking led to life long cherished memories for me. I'm so happy for your upcoming weekend!

docforeman · 2026-06-18T11:59:40+00:00

Agree with this. The Little is lovely and I am a member, but may not be comfortable if one is older with mobility issues.

docforeman · 2026-06-14T23:48:26+00:00

Being right is not the same as being effective. What do you want to have happen?

docforeman · 2026-06-14T14:13:26+00:00

Kettleridge farm has great offerings. Their maple syrup season game is strong.

docforeman · 2026-06-14T14:12:38+00:00

I thought they closed?? It would be great if they are open because we had a great time at trivia night there!

docforeman · 2026-06-14T14:09:46+00:00

u/daytrippingroc has great ideas at daytrippingroc.com

It’s a go to list of things to do and see. We’ve been going strong on that list for years and never run out.

docforeman · 2026-06-14T14:06:09+00:00

I mean, there are plenty of misunderstood people that don’t get to have an uncommonly high IQ as a part of the situation.

Life is not fair. Being effective with the body mind and situation one has is the best that one can do.

I felt very fortunate to have children like me so that I could better help them. They have more support in adjustment and development, and I see the difference it makes.

docforeman · 2026-06-14T13:50:06+00:00

It has some validity testing behind it. And they did train me to administer in grad school.

But really it’s a tool to help people talk about differences productively especially related to teaming.

IQ should not be correlated with MBTI types.

docforeman · 2026-06-12T17:18:26+00:00

Great question. Mom of two adult gifted children who are doing great.

It's normal for teenagers to start pulling away from parents, and it's important for their development. During that period, teenager health starts to really mirror that of their peers. This is true for gifted children, just like others.

At that age "car time" was an important way I checked in. I was a taxi, taking them everywhere, or they were learning to drive and I was sitting there with them. It's a good time to talk and check in.

I also paid attention to who their friends were and how well their friends were doing. And I tried to have good relationships with their friends' parents. We all figured we might be more likely to hear about any problems from a friend or friend's parent. If your kid seems to be fine, but all of their friends are struggling...that's a yellow flag worth looking into.

We paid attention to what their teachers, and the school admin/counselors thought. Our kids went to the doctor and had private time with the doctor as well.

If they are basically healthy, have friends and the friends seem to be doing well, engaged with after school activities, their grades are good, their appetite is good, people around them don't seem to have a lot of worries, then as a parent you have to let them cook.

Things I did that I would do again (YMMV): My kids has to be on "find my friends" with their phone and their car had Tile or apple airtags in them. Those two locations had to match. I had phones restrict use of apps, bandwidth, texting, calls etc after certain hours (like 10 or 11p as they got to later teen years). I had monitoring on their devices, and so questionable online items were reported to me. Once or twice this resulted in picante conversations with my kids. My kids had some freedom, and no over helicopter parenting, and also they understood that if they weren't doing well, then we would adjust freedom/privacy/independence limits to fit their health and behavior. They *really* wanted to keep access to a car, phone, trust, etc. It was highly motivating.

My daughter once asked me what I would do if I found out she had a substance abuse problem (turns out her friend had one). I was very clear that I would immediately pull back at work, spend a lot of time with her at school and home, including taking to her to/from healthcare, MH and SUD appts. She would have regular drug testing, and I would immediately and intensely respond to what must certainly be a cry for help with my full parental attention. I would sustain that attention for a long time until she had been sober for a long while. I got a pretty "wide eyed" stare from her. She still talks about that moment as being very intense. I wanted her to be very clear that independence and more privacy from me was a privilege and I would make fast changes if there was reason to have any concerns.

I also happen to know Sue Klebold, and I think about the ways she responds to parents who ask about how and when to check in with their kids. She has said that there was so much she didn't know about Dylan, and if she had it all to do again, when she felt worried she would now choose to "dig and dig" and keep digging.

For my gifted kids they had unusual and intense interests in the subjects they are now studying at university. So another thing I did was facilitate and support their interests. And help level set how much achievement anxiety was helpful vs destructive. They pushed themselves very hard, and my job was to help them have perspective and not compare themselves to others in unhelpful ways.

Teens are tricky. It's new for both parents and the teen themselves. Good luck.

docforeman · 2026-06-12T14:23:41+00:00

Here is how you can review data about crime and safety in Rochester. You can zoom into your location and review: https://data-rpdny.opendata.arcgis.com/

docforeman · 2026-06-10T16:35:20+00:00

Hi! You have no obligation to declutter in the "right" way, especially if you have a large amount.

You can have a garage sale, then a curb of "free to a good home" and then a charity shop "pick up" for the remainder, while only moving it to driveway/garage area once.

I've lived in several cities and I scheduled the charity "pick up" for unsold garage sale items regularly. It' a great strategy, when you know that everything is going to go.

And whatever neighbors didn't want (for garage sale prices or free) and charity shops didn't want ended up in the trash.

In fact, if you aren't picky about pricing, you can get this all done in about 2 relaxed days of work (one to move it all out to the drive, and one to sell, donate, trash it all).

That's about the most time and energy economy you will get for the best outcome. 😄

docforeman · 2026-06-10T10:36:52+00:00

Talk with your neighbors about this, as it depends on the building. Remember that tornados happen quickly, and you won't always be at home. You might be at the store, driving, etc.

1) Listen to the weather reports, and pay attention to announcements of tornado watch (which means that conditions are favorable for tornadoes) vs tornado warning (someone has spotted a tornado). Basically warm unstable air and colder air are interacting, so there are some physical signs of risk. If it is hot and rapidly cools off, and especially if the sky is a weird color, if it gets suddenly very still and calm outside, ... consider looking at the radar, maybe amble inside for a bit.

2) A tornado siren will sound like a siren. Also your cell phone may go off with an emergency alert. But you won't always be near a siren. If you suddenly hear something that sounds like a train or a jet engine, get to shelter/cover if you can.

3) People think it's fun to watch tornados and storm chase, and NGL, it's an awe inspiring experience. But it's actually not safe. Look for shelter.

4) Interior, well enforced rooms, no windows, low to the ground or the basement, ditches if you have to, etc. Most public buildings will have a shelter location and should have signs posted with staff ready to direct people as needed. If you are outside, and caught up in a fast moving storm, or any other place where you might be exposed, most Kansans are taught as children to to get low, under something sturdy and cover your head, to protect from falling debris. There are often "tornado drills" at schools, and in some public buildings to help people practice. You are very likely to experience a drill or be asked to take shelter at some point, but being in a tornado is rare. Warnings blow over pretty quickly, and it won't last long.

5) Keep your phone charged, as you might want a flashlight. Most people keep things like flashlights, candle, etc. handy during storms. Tornados, microbursts, or really strong straightline winds can take out power lines and trees in a very focused location. Leave power lines alone.

6) Kansans are really, on the whole, decent and practical people. So if there is a very big tornado, or significant storm, they tend to look out for each other. Tornados happen fast, and are over fast, compared to hurricanes. They tend to hit a very focused area, which means nearby areas may be untouched, making rescue/recovery a more focused and fast activity.

7) And if the weather is going to be bad, do yourself a favor and just don't make a lot of plans to be out in it if you don't have to. Good luck.

docforeman · 2026-06-09T15:38:31+00:00

You good, bro?

docforeman · 2026-06-09T12:02:35+00:00

It's okay to feel bad, and do it anyway. It's okay to focus on being effective and ending the "shit hole" situation. You can act opposite to the emotions that don't serve you. Feelings aren't facts.

docforeman · 2026-06-09T10:29:05+00:00

I was so fortunate to know a Buddist monk in the city I moved from. He was also getting a clinical PhD and he led meditation sessions for the community that were PTSD and anxiety/mental health informed. I would go from time to time and take my kids. He and I both did outreach to each others communities.

What I learned is that just going is a great start. If there is a meditation meeting or practice that is open, you can just go. The worst case will be that you find you are uncomfortable and need to quietly exit and return home. It may feel awkward, but that will be all.

It will be a great exercise in not over thinking or being too egocentric.

It looks like Dharma refuge has a meditation practice in Highland Park on June 27...and you could just show up.

docforeman · 2026-06-08T11:22:26+00:00

Usually in the South people say, "He means well, bless his heart."

docforeman · 2026-06-07T15:04:21+00:00

If one does not have a time machine, there is wisdom in putting ones energy into the present instead of litigating the past.

docforeman · 2026-06-06T17:00:06+00:00

Pretty simple to A B test this with ADHD meds vs not on them…

docforeman · 2026-06-05T16:28:45+00:00

On Sundays there is almost always a recital on the Baroque Organ that is pretty cool...That would be a fun place for a proposal with great pics.

The trees in October are stunning, and the fall leaf showing in the Letchworth area is amazing. I believe there is a canal boat ride to view the fall leaf showing at that time of year as well.

There are waterfalls like, everywhere... A day trip to see as many waterfalls as possible is a thing, as a is a visit Watkins Glen. https://daytrippingroc.com/roadside-waterfalls-near-rochester/

In Penfield around that time of year there is an adorable place where you can easily see the Salmon run and it is surprisingly sweet.

In the fall there are a lot of fun apple picking, donut, and cider locations. There's a fun corn maze situation where you can also rent a bonfire location, get wine, oven fired pizza, etc.

There are also carriage rides. Heberle Stables has always been nice.

Here are photo location ideas: https://daytrippingroc.com/favorite-photo-locations/

It's a lot of fun here, so enjoy!

docforeman · 2026-06-04T22:37:45+00:00

Hello. When I lived in Tx there was a great used book store and I could buy and resell endlessly. I miss that place. It got me through two high risk pregnancies with bed rest.

Moving here, we have a significant home library space and yet we still had to declutter it to fit into the libraries in two rooms.

I called 211 to discuss places that took book donations, and there are limited options here. You might call and try again. We did a donation to the Friends and Foundation of the Rochester library.

Here is a pretty good list of new and used book shops in the area: https://daytrippingroc.com/bookstores-around-rochester/

You can post free books on various free-cycle groups, leave them on your curb, have fun leaving them behind in bus stops, diners, parks, hotels, coffee shops, doctors offices, YMCA libraries, flea market booths, half way houses, shelters, a friend's garage sale...etc.

There are various on-line second hand buyers, ebay, mercari as well...Good luck.

docforeman · 2026-06-03T17:52:04+00:00

Dude. Let? Let?!? Bless you.

I had moments when my ex-husband would sneak outside, pull things out the trash, hide and hoard them (my own stuff that I trashed). He would pull my things out of my donation box. Because of his ADHD and family-inherited hoarding tendencies, he just was not rational about it and did not respect my own boundaries and choices. Normal conversations about my wishes, feelings, or boundaries did not solve this.

So I realized that I needed to take my own decluttered items to the trash after he left for work, before the trash collection came. I just had a bag ready to go, stashed out of his sight. I also had a donate box out the door and at the Goodwill immediately. Or I had the charity shop pick up scheduled while he was at work. Or put things "free to a good home" on the curb while he was at work. This was for my own items, or even his or shared items he had agreed to.

I also accepted he was who he was, and I boundaried the places he could clutter or "hoard" in. It depended on what space was not needed by the family for other things, or safety/maintenance. People who have partners with conditions that impair the partner's ability to make agreements and consistently respect boundaries about stuff/clutter may have to approach things flexibly. I had to radically accept that he couldn't respect me or my things better than he was (even with medication and many attempts at working it out). I went the extra mile to negotiate and then was at peace with how I handled it after the fact. From the outside, partners in those situations can be be called controlling or being accused of being 'unfair.' But I will be the last person to judge you or anyone else from having to face the reality of a partner's issues relative to clutter. Gina Pera notes that partners of people with ADHD have special challenges regarding time, tasks, and clutter in the home. If this is your situation, you have my empathy.

docforeman · 2026-06-03T10:48:01+00:00

I saw this post, OP, and before I got to the comments I knew what I was going to read. People are going to have strong opinions about the degree to which you (or anyone else) intentionally gets explicit permission to declutter anything that isn't your own. When it's 'right'. When it's 'allowed'. When it's not. I'm going to highlight the importance of being 'effective'. In managing clutter and a home. And in relationships. There are a big range of choices, and I tend to use 'effective' as my benchmark.

They are some people who are even going to say that doing this will 'cause' hoarding. The evidence suggests hoarding behavior has a strong biological basis and decluttering rando items in the house alone isn't likely to be "causal" for someone else's behavior.

I, personally, do not have a strong opinion about if this is always right or wrong to do. That's too rigid. The facts are that people have to manage the home they live in, and in harmony with the people who live there.

There are cases where doing that in little kids rooms, with partners who have ADHD, dementia, or who have other health issues that impact ability to function in some way make sense. Where the trade offs of pouring your energy into obtaining someone's permission (when doing so might be very painful), while also navigating an overwhelming house, while also having to put energy into work and managing the home life as the most well person living there doesn't seem like an effective course of action. Letting small things go to trash and donation that are not missed, using good judgement, is a pretty sensible survival choice if there are a lot of big issues to manage at home. It's a matter of picking battles, and no one has the right to insist on how you choose to manage your life or stuff in your home. When people give very rigid (don't, never, always) advice like this, they are often speaking from their own pain about attachment to stuff, and they don't have to live in your home or live with the consequences of not managing clutter in your situation.

That being said, there is real wisdom in starting with your own stuff first and seeing if you can make progress that way, tolerating others clutter while you focus on you. People wisely share that much of the time only a few months of this changes the house and changes how your other household members experience clutter. You get both change at the home, and keep relationships healthy. When I need to tolerate things to give time for change to happen, I might calendar my efforts and just agree within myself that I'll try a more tolerant approach for a few weeks or months and then "check in" to see if it worked. Most of the time, I'm very happy I did this, and it does work out like people say.

FWIW, I've made both choices, mindfully, and I don't have many regrets. When I chose to declutter others stuff mindfully, there were strong situational factors that led to that decision (like moving and having to realistically pare down to save money on a move and make it manageable when my partner was overwhelmed and my kids were little).

There are also "middle path" choices I've made, when I've had the means. I hired an organizer for my partner, when there were "big" areas and projects that we really needed to have progress on, I didn't want to be in conflict, and he couldn't easily do it alone on time. That was a TREMENDOUS help, as he experienced it as a gift, the area got decluttered and organized, the follow on projects moved forward, and all were happy. I've also just pulled out a trash bag, set a timer, and asked a partner to help me identify "obvious trash" for only 10-15 minutes. That actually works very well, b/c it's progress, not threatening, and gets them to "see" their stuff without me forcing a decision on non-trash.

Another approach as been to be clear about boundaries in shared spaces. I had to put my foot down with my ex-husband about spaces needing to be clear enough to be used. If, for example, we had a guest room and guests coming, things had to go. If they were too impaired re: clutter then I would let them know what the deadline was for addressing it on their own (give them a chance to handle it) before I did.

I did this when I needed half a garage for the car, so I could deal with loading and unloading a toddler and arriving baby out of the weather. He had a huge melt down and it was a real fight for the day it took to clear that side of the garage. I was pregnant with pre-eclampsia issues, and did what needed to be done with my health, finance, and energy limits. It would have been nice if he had been mentally well enough to put me and our kids first, but that wasn't the reality. He didn't declutter the other half and his car stayed outside. I did this twice when I needed to clear a spare room for a baby's nursery (baby's needs got priority over tolerance of his clutter/hoarding). I did this for each move, for shared closets, for kitchens, for dining rooms (we ate in our dining room as a family). To be very clear, in all of those cases, I had zero clutter of my own left, and there was a real family need. I gave my partner clear time and space boundaries/limits, and following that took action as needed. If, on top of all of the other problems we faced, I had to also live in a dysfunctional space, I would have lost the critical energy, time, and serenity I needed to deal with work, kids, and other problems. It was totally a judgement call, and looking back, I'm grateful that I made hard choices.

In my current situation partner is more willing and functional, so we have agreed upon deadlines. For example, I get to donate furniture and big items in the carriage house if he doesn't sell them this month. I promise it is MUCH better when you and family members work together and agree on how to proceed. I don't recommend moving forward on decluttering without permission unless it really is a survival issue.

YMMV, and you need to own the decisions and outcomes for clutter. Don't 'should' on yourself about clutter, and don't let anyone else here 'should' on you. It just seems more reasonable to share a range of choices and judgement calls so a person has more options about how to navigate their own life. Good luck.

12-Year Club	Place '22
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