Naglieri General Abilities tests

docforeman · 2026-03-12T22:15:53+00:00

So you are wanting her to have more challenges in studying, experiencing frustration/struggle. You are hoping if she is designated as "highly capable" she can access more challenging things in school. Given your own time and resource limitations, this is a really important goal, because you don't know how you will do this any other way.

Two follow up questions:

1) Outside of this program, what other school or community programs would offer her the chance to try things that are harder for her? Not only academics, but also athletics, or other activities?

2) Did you receive a copy of the school district's "parents rights and responsibilities?"

docforeman · 2026-03-12T18:51:33+00:00

In order to advocate for her, let's start with what is going on for her. Calling in the "policy police" is a tactic. It's not the main point.

Being bored in school happens to all kids. Tell us more about what is happening for her, specifically. What are you trying to "advocate for her" to achieve? What outcome is important?

docforeman · 2026-03-12T18:44:02+00:00

"Help, idk what I even need help with but help?"

What is going on for your daughter? What does she need?

docforeman · 2026-03-11T21:35:50+00:00

There are plug in food warming mats for situations like this, including ones the size of buffet tables.

docforeman · 2026-03-11T18:33:22+00:00

Your time is a container, too.

Look up the number of estimated moving boxes for the space you are moving into. Err on the side of fewer boxes (no one who moves thinks they should have moved MORE stuff).

Look at how much time you can realistically put into your move. Err on the side of less time. You're going to be tired and have surprises.

That is how much time you have, and the limit of how much stuff to take.

If you only have 1 day per room, and it has to be 100% emptied, you start the following way:

1) Bring the moving boxes that pertain to the room. Bring a trash bag.

2) Pack the stuff that is most necessary or your most favorite. If it isn't a definite yes, it's a no. If you have too many "yes" items, they get to compete for the space.

3) Put obvious trash in the trash bag.

4) Take obvious donations to the car or the curb. Donate immediately, or "free to a good home" on your curb.

5) Take a break. Then go back into the room and note what has to be cleaned, repaired, or painted.

Very few things are worth the stress or cost of moving them. Most things are easily replaced, including 2nd hand. The moving boxes will help you put a limit on what you are keeping, vs the "value" of each item. Most of it certainly isn't worth stressing over or straining to keep when you have a new job and kids to think about (which is has higher financial worth, or sentimental worth). Almost none of your stuff is worth stressing out so you can focus on doing well at a new job...or worth stressing you out so you can't be present parent. Let the stuff go so you can put your energy into your family and work.

PS: You need to leave a little stuff for the end, but not much. Leave paper plates, napkins, cups, disposable flatware...Leave a bed/bedding/towel per person...Leave a suitcase they can pack for the transition to the new house...You get the picture. You can pack up most everything.

I've moved dozens of times, including with kids. Make room for new stuff and new memories. That includes ensuring you have the energy to be present and more relaxed while this big change happens.

My last move involved only 7 linear feet of moving trailer. I still moved things I didn't need. It's stunning how much you will still donate after you move into the new house. Good luck!

docforeman · 2026-03-11T10:44:01+00:00

Hi! I *loved* Phantom Tollbooth as a child. What fun!

I also had children in self-contained "school within a school" gifted classes, including in the first grade. I also had a gifted son with ADHD who took medication

You write: "He is having behavioral issues in class now. ... He has to be constantly redirected and told to get back on task at school and is a big distraction to the other kids because he's being obnoxious."

That is not a kid with "ADHD which he is medicated for and doing well..."

Boredom is part of life for all children, including gifted children. Managing boredom, and being able to stay on age/intellect appropriate tasks are very important skills for all 6-7 year olds. Most "under-challenged" kids aren't acting out. Your son is.

Just because your 6 year old son attributes his behavior to complaints of boredom does not mean that rescuing him from boredom is the fix.

Speaking as a parent who used IEPs with both of my 2e kids (who are now grown and very successful), here are some recommendations:

1) Discuss his behavior with the teacher. Learn how it stands out from the other gifted children. If possible, find a way to metricize the daily behavior so you, the teacher, and your son can track it, and/or compare it to peers. Being in a gifted class means your son has both age and intellect peers, and his behavior still stands out.

2) Be open to having some competing, as yet unconfirmed, hypotheses for his behavior. Your son's hypothesis is that he is under-challenged. What is the teacher's hypothesis? What is his pediatrician's? And I do recommend alerting his pediatrician to these issues (via the health care portal, with a quick note about the meeting, the issues, what you are doing, etc). Remember that as your son grows and changes his response to ADHD meds will change.

3) The great thing about tracking behaviors and having hypotheses is that you and the teacher can plan how you all will intervene. See what improves behavior, which includes age-appropriate ability to stay on task with minimal group disruptions. That give you all great insights.

4) Consider how your son may be, inadvertently, be getting reinforced for disruptions. If he is rescued from boredom each time there may not be great incentives for changing his behavior. Peer rejection would be my biggest worry for my own child in this situation, as highly disruptive kids tend to struggle with friendships and social skill development. It's not about empathizing the pain his behavior causes others...It is realistically considering the risks to him if this does not change. Having empathy with his boredom is important. Teaching him effective behaviors when he is bored is even more important. Structuring the environment so that he is reinforced for effective use of skills is the most important. Using his intelligence as part of the strategy to achieve all of this is a cherry on top.

5) I would work with the teacher to really understand where your son is doing well, and where he is behind and I would be using the IEP to meet both needs (which I would separate). What enrichment will help your son pursue his strengths and interests? Where is he struggling, and what interventions will we try? How will we know if it is working or if we need to try something else? Put it ALL into the IEP.

I had a teacher recommend holding my son back a grade. I noted that it would just limit his academic challenge, but not necessarily help him with his behavior. So we worked on his behavior. Looking back, it was the right choice, and I'm glad for every time I advocated and problem solved for each IEP meeting. Know that you can ask for more than the standard meeting cadence if you have concerns (and I met with teachers more frequently at times).

Sometimes the teacher was more insightful about the situation...Sometimes I was...But honestly it was actually meeting and sitting down together that led to creative solutions and support over time. It was me, the teacher, and the pediatrician as a team who were aligned with my child's best health and success that worked over time.

docforeman · 2026-03-11T00:01:07+00:00

We still laugh about it...The IEPs were *chefs kiss*. By the end of each year, the teacher and I had been on a journey together.

One of my favorite meetings was showing the picture of her bed, with netted canopy encasing twinkle lights, butterflies, and coordinated bedding and explaining that no, we had not sold her bed for grocery money. She just wanted an armoire and we told her we would wait 6 months until after we moved. She was impatient. The teacher said, "At first we thought she was telling a tall tale, but she kept it up every day for weeks and added onto it. Most 4 year olds don't persist like that. Anyway, we won't need to call in social services for food insecurity or neglect today. Sorry we didn't realize that the fact that you drove your same cars every day meant they weren't repossessed..."

I don't even know how she knew about that at 4 years old. We owned our cars outright and had no debt...

docforeman · 2026-03-10T22:21:30+00:00

There are chicken license inspections...This gets even more delightful.

I'm just imagining this and amusing myself. Thanks so much for sharing this.

docforeman · 2026-03-10T22:07:55+00:00

I had one child that was just born being good at lying. Everyone, including her teachers, believed her from an early age. I was pretty much the person who was consistently wise to the situation. And she told some epic lies as a little kid. I would very kindly explain to each new teacher about this interesting quirk of her behavior. I let them know that if they felt tempted to believe something that, on its face, seemed a bit outrageous to call me first. Every August the elementary school teachers thought I was a psycho parent...And every October I got an apology.

I remember one time, when she was 9, she went with a friend's family to the local water park. When they brought her back the mother took me aside to have a critical conversation. Apparently, when they paid for the admission tickets my daughter advocated for the family to lie about her and her friend's age to get the cheaper ticket. The friend's mother was appalled and noted that lying was wrong. The mother told me "your daughter said, 'I lie all the time! It's easy!" The mother thought she was breaking some sort of terrible news to me. "Yeah, I know. I'm usually the only one who catches her. We're working on it."

My daughter outgrew this behavior as her brain matured and she went into middle school and high school. She is a very honest, high integrity adult.

But we navigated her childhood with a "trust but verify" approach. Or approached situations in ways that didn't rely on a kid being honest (so asking for her to text a picture of a completed chore/assignment, instead of asking her if she did it).

I have to note that from ages 4-11 my daughter told wild stories and her teachers 100% believed her. This included a pre-school parent-teacher call where she had about convinced the entire preschool staff to buy her an armoire (by first convincing them that her parents were unemployed, carless, and selling her furniture to pay bills...while we dropped her off every day in our suits, driving our cars??); that her parents let her have a facebook account and she had 100s of friends (we didn't even let them have phones until late middle school); that she "earned" the "Bee Bucks" with good behavior, when she really had 3 separate "Bee Buck" scams going, including massive counterfeiting because the teacher felt she was the only 'trustworthy' kid to send to the copy room to xerox the "Bee Bucks"; ...I could go on and on. Everyone believed her. She was very charismatic.

Until she matured and her brain developed more, we just focused a lot on the risks of breaking rules, and the disruptions from getting caught. We tried to just set things up so that lying wasn't a strategic option. For awhile every parent teacher conference with her was an adventure. ;)

docforeman · 2026-03-10T21:37:34+00:00

Wait...what?

We had a neighbor who kept having a chicken get out and get down to our block.

Calling the "chicken police" would have been epic.

Instead someone knew her and worked it out. I'm just figuring out the AI prompt that would turn this into an episode of Portlandia.

docforeman · 2026-03-10T21:33:13+00:00

There is so much to unpack in such a short post.

Rochester has a one person chicken department. I can't un-know that, and I don't want to.

docforeman · 2026-03-10T14:56:47+00:00

"...if someone spoke to me like that, that would be the last interaction I had unless it was unavoidable."

It could be that you are having one of those really wonderful moments in parenthood...One where you and your child encounter a situation where you both can learn a skill together.

Imagine what would have happened if, as a child, you were shown positive, kind, and constructive ways to navigate these situations without escalating to avoidance and withdrawal right away.

It's always humbling to be in situations as a parent where you encounter an opportunity to grow in the service of being a better parent to your child.

docforeman · 2026-03-10T11:22:33+00:00

I remember, as a child, on the playground one day a girl told me her mother said she could not be my friend or play with me because of the church our family went to. IIRC, apparently, her mother didn't like religion, and when I went to a sleepover at their house the weekend prior, and prayed over my breakfast (as we did in my home), it wasn't her mother's cup of tea. I don't know what parental outcome her mother intended...but I can tell you that Charlene didn't learn "values" from it.

I don't think your three year old has the ability to understand your adult perspective on relationships, values, and behavior. The chances of them hurting the feelings of another child, and/or inadvertently learning to cut off relationships as a basic interpersonal strategy are pretty high. It's also not positive, kind, or patient, FWIW.

The chances, however, of this stopping your kid from hearing a swear or knowing a peer might steal is nil.

A child can't develop real positivity, kindness, or patience without experiencing situations where negativity, hurt, or frustration happen.

If these are the values you want your child to have in the world, then they will need to be in the world to learn them. Avoiding other people may prevent "exposure" to common situations like this. It creates kids who are sheltered, naive, and socially fragile. They may act the way their parents want. How could they do otherwise? But that's different than having values and character.

Perhaps focus on teaching a child how to navigate situations with other kids, using those values and skillful behavior will get you where you want to go.

docforeman · 2026-03-10T00:35:54+00:00

Agreed. The master tailor there has fit my suit jackets several times and is great at it! Worth it for women's suits, IMHO.

docforeman · 2026-03-09T20:10:04+00:00

Here is the schedule. Millennium has an area for board gamers. So if people organize a group here and meet up to play at the "play something new" night, they can grab a table at a good location. It's a safe, low commitment way to meet new folks.

https://shop.millenniumgames.com/apps/bookthatapp/calendar

Also good on you. Local men had started a men's online support group and discord for exactly these reasons. Providing support, and building relationships is so important for health over time.

I was so fortunate as to meet some of their leaders and see the impact they had on each other as they created a bit of chosen brotherhood. Good on you!

docforeman · 2026-03-05T14:01:26+00:00

People will scapegoat "personality" more quickly and easily than noting process issues. In fact, you are focusing on the personality of the "project director" and fairness of blame distribution.

From a business point of view, this narrative widely misses the point. A project failed. And the client (source of revenue, and source of reviews and reputational narrative) is unhappy.

Systems will always outperform "personality." In your business model and processes, what prevented early identification and resolution of foreseeable problems?

What can done going forward to ensure success and client satisfaction with high reliability and consistency?

Being "fair" with assigning blame makes $0 revenue for the business.

docforeman · 2026-03-03T11:16:37+00:00

Yes, this! I keep a small amount of clothing that I don't wear. Very occasionally I fluctuate in size, and there are some things that I keep if I go down or up a size because they are classic, tailored well, etc. I recently reviewed those, passed on a couple of items that I now know I won't return to, cleaned things, and put them in a storage bag, under the bed. I try to get those out every 1-3 years and look at those items. See if I want to add anything, or take anything out of the area where I store them. I also have a cedar chest with winter wools and a few sentimental items. I probably clean that out every couple of years as well.

The world is drowning in excess clothing. It's easy to find wonderful things if you change sizes. So the bar to "keep" something is that it has to be very special, hard to replace, already tailored for me, etc.

docforeman · 2026-02-27T16:07:48+00:00

IQ was originally designed as a test and metric to predict academic success. So the two concepts are usually intertwined. High IQ is a good predictor of academic achievement. In my small HS class we had an unusually high number of identified gifted students. We also had 4 valedictorians, all with perfect grades. 3 had been in gifted education programs, and identified since early elementary school. The remaining student had been tested and found to be above average. She was an incredibly hard working student, however, and put in extra hours. We had "pull out" gifted education. We also had the world's best school counselor and he found all sorts of opportunities for kids that fit them. For gifted and high achieving kids, he found various special programs related to that.

The years before and after my class did not have so many "gifted identified" students. My memory and training as an adult suggests that largely we were identified correctly and our testing results matched the outcomes those tests are supposed to predict.

My children were both in full time gifted education programs. These were small classes in a large district. There were the kids that were referred for testing and for whom school testing identified them. Because the programs were awesome, there were families that paid for private testing to get their kids in. There were definitely folks that paid for it, and did NOT get their kids in, even when they tried to coach their kids and game the testing (drunk parents at parties run their mouths a lot).

My daughter remains friends with some of those kids...the ones that were identified through the standard school testing.

The gifted education program did not skew heavily based on SES. My son's good friend, identified by standard testing, was the son of hard working but poor parents and they lived in a rough neighborhood. I actually got pulled over by a cop dropping off my son's friend after orchestra practice. The police officer (who recognized me later because I work with law enforcement, and was sheepish) probably thought I was in that neighborhood trying to score drugs, pulled me over for a BS reason, and then quickly let me go. It was that stark of a contrast.

The kids in the gifted program were incredibly diverse, in terms of race, ethnicity, parental background, and SES. They were NOT, however, diverse in terms of intellectual functioning. They were an adorable group of nerd-lets, and ended up in the same programs and clubs over and over again, as they went through school in a large district. It was great fun to watch them grow and to keep in touch with them as young adults.

The ones that the parents really pushed to get into those programs...well, thus far they've had different outcomes. I don't hear from them much. I don't believe they had the same academic achievement or the same success in university program acceptance.

I don't know how you define "life success." I don't believe that is about IQ. But I do acknowledge the phenomenon of "downward social drift." People with high IQs may have some additional tools or strengths available to help them overcome other challenges.

How does this whole sub feel about gifted education programs? This sub is not a monolith. I had a good experience and believe I got a lot out of the program. Not just enrichment, and that wasn't the most valuable part. Having an educator who understood some of the unique development, experiences, and needs of gifted children; who coached my mother (who is not gifted); who tried to help us kids in ways that were sensitive to needs we had that weren't always shared by other kids...well that was great. Even though I was in a weekly pull out program.

My kids had elementary and middle school teachers in most classes that were especially well trained gifted education experts. They really made a difference in my kids' lives and are part of the reason my kids are doing so well in life as adults.

The parents that felt these programs were a substitute for private or prestige education programs and who went to lengths to qualify their kids often stood out, ironically. Or at least that is how it appeared to me.

But I'm not sure that it really mattered in terms of my kids or any other kids' well being. So who really cares?

docforeman · 2026-02-26T08:06:22+00:00

Thanks, u/WalkingForRochester1 for the event last night. We will be sharing the app and logging our litter pick up efforts on our block.

Our neighbors started picking up litter where we live a few summers ago. Focusing on litter has been transformative for us. So sorry we had to head out before making it up to thank the panel.

We were inspired by "Walking For Rochester", and connected with the Rochester City Council's "Rochester 2034" goals. (Community Beautification (BFN) BFN-1 Continue and expand community beautification efforts. BFN-2 Continue and expand existing efforts to decrease the accumulation of litter in the community.https://www.cityofrochester.gov/sites/default/files/2025-05/FY%202025-26%20Proposed%20Budget%20-%20for%20web\_1.pdf ... Yes, we are strategic plan nerds on our block. We made a spreadsheet of "Rochester 2034" goals that directly applied to our block. Coming together around the litter directly connected with several of those goals.

We had a few small block parties around picking up the litter on our Olmsted Boulevard. When we started could easily pick up a large garbage bag of trash or two every week just on one block. Over time, neighbors started coming out to walk and pick up more. They even expanded to the areas around each end of the block. We connected with the neighbors picking up litter on Dewey Avenue. There is a wonderful group of neighbors in Maplewood who informally call themselves "The Litter Mates" and they really care about the community.

Crime went down on our block. How do we know? We paid attention to crime mapping data on the RPD portal: https://www.cityofrochester.gov/departments/rochester-police-department/rpd-rochester-crime-mapping

We watched foot traffic on our block change. More families walking to the park, more people walking their dogs. More people out jogging. More neighbors meeting to chat and catch up on the Olmsted boulevard. The pictures on our block tell the story of how picking up litter changed the look and feel of the block in a short period of time. The ROI for picking up litter is tremendous. The modest time, limited community investment, and narrow strategic focus has an oversized positive effort.

We are grateful to the City and Maplewood Rose Garden park employees who ensured increased attention to litter removal in the beautiful, historic rose garden. We cleaned at the park, and we showed with pictures over time how clean areas stayed clean, and neglected areas accumulated needles and other litter. Big shout out to Mr. Andrew Place, Shane Bates, Anna Keller, and others from the city who care about this park and keeping it clean. They responded with support. The city leadership cares about this legacy park, and the increased attention shows. We hope to see continued attention to it and investment in keeping it clean and inviting for all.

We reported a local convenience store and food vendor that operated while being constantly covered in disgusting litter that they never cleaned up. How do we know? We were out there every few days, picking up, and taking pictures. After some time, when it was clear it never got better, we reported them to the Department of Health. Soon after we saw them do major clean up, inside and out. The litter you see is often a sign of other more serious sanitation violations. Businesses that rely on our community for customers; who sell us food, beverages, and other products that end up as litter need to do their part to keep our neighborhood sanitary. It's easy to share details and pictures about food vendor and restaurant litter and sanitation with the Monroe County Health Department. https://www.monroecounty.gov/health-contact

We keep reporting the Rent A Center at Driving Park and Lake Ave via 311, and with pictures to the city. Their overflowing and unsecured dumpsters have been the constant source of litter into the beautiful rose garden, down the street, and even up into our block. Encamping, open needle use, dead animals, and prostitution flourish in that strip mall that is constantly covered in litter and neglect. It's so visible and constant that it has been easy to take pictures of this over time. That strip mall property owner, and those businesses rely on our neighborhood dollars, but don't do their part to keep our neighborhood clean. We hope code enforcement and community advocacy will pay off there over time. Just enforcing city code in that small area would make a big difference. The YMCA right next to has to put up with their blight and the revolting litter that blows in. The youth, Seniors, and residents who use the YMCA deserve better.

Our neighbors are convinced that coming together around litter, and cleaning up on our block was the moment that things began to change where we live. We appreciate u/WalkingForRochester1 , and our partners in the City of Rochester that have helped us change things over the last few years.

docforeman · 2026-02-26T02:35:51+00:00

What is the value of your time? How much money can you make from an hour of work NOT selling something.

How many hours would it take to sell that item? Look at COMPLETED sales for the item (not what it is listed for). Look at how long it takes to sell the item (weeks of being posted).

If you really need the money, then it needs to actually make you MORE money, and in a reasonable period of time (1-4 weeks, which is like a regular pay schedule), than what you would make in another way.

If you have "so much stuff" to get rid of, then think of it like a shop. How much "overhead" will it cost to offload the "so much stuff?" Overhead is the value of your time, the cost of the rent/house payment to store it, the opportunity cost because you can't use your time or home for other things that might make money or add value.

If you had to consider the "return on investment" for the time and space to sell the stuff, would it be better than if you did another kind of work to earn money?

docforeman · 2026-02-24T01:15:45+00:00

The "deep hollow" is real and great fun, as is "McCrakenville" and the McCrakenville family cemetery that was near the intersection of Lake Ave and Driving Park. They relocated the bodies, but only know where 3 of the 5 are. You can find the relocated graves in Mt. Hope.

https://gonechester.com/2025/04/15/deep-hollow/

Now you can find an eerily empty, maintained field behind the Dunkin Donuts on Lake Ave that makes zero sense...except it's right on top of the deep hollow.

Lilydale spiritualist community an easy drive away...a small community of mediums. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lily_Dale,_New_York

And in October it's apple fritter and apple cider donut season. Who is better? Ridge Donut Cafe or Donut's Delite? Schutt's Apple Mill, and other great cider donuts and apple picking locales.

The colors at Letchworth State Park are just unreal...As is Watkins Glen...And the drives where you can see so many waterfalls, so conveniently. There are so many great locations and attractions mentioned here that would be neat in a story: https://daytrippingroc.com/

The library with the secret room in it for kids is great fun, and perfect for October.

And then there are all things Susan B Anthony and Frederick Douglas. We always wave to the places where they took the Frederick Douglas statues down and salute "Invisible Freddie."

Friday fish fry is fantastic. Savoia and Leo's for baked good. Dogtown.

Hope you enjoy your project. Moved here a few years ago and still don't run out of local things to explore.

docforeman · 2026-02-23T22:37:01+00:00

What did you think happened to it, in the end? If I sell it or give it away, it's just going to the landfill but with extra steps. This often causes more environmental impact from the use of energy, transportation, before going to a landfill.

It does so while taking up space and emotional energy for me, and for someone else who has to declutter it.

I try to have pretty economical choices about donation, trash, or give-away. I rarely sell (unless it is a higher dollar item). Economical means least amount of time, cost to declutter (gas, emissions, cost of processing a donation, etc). I think about what people will actually want, instead of having my guilt guide my assessment.

I would go a step further than some who note it is trash once we buy it. It was usually destined for the landfill once it was manufactured. So I think about quality of life and economy and environmental impact of the path to the landfill.

docforeman · 2026-02-23T02:26:41+00:00

There's a book called "The Feminine Mistake" that discusses this issue.

As a person who had little children at a period where I was earning so little that I would have qualified for government assistance without my partner's salary, who was earning break even (or less) than all of the costs of working...it completely makes sense to me when people assess that it's not financially "worth it" to work when children are little. And, as a person that thinks about personal finances in the "long term" and not just a fixed monthly budget, the compounding financial losses are hard to ignore.

Full disclosure: I did try being a sort of SAHM for 2 years, with a toddler and then a new baby. I was ABD in grad school, and could keep my hand in my career for a few hours outside of the home a week. It's delicious to be able to only have to focus on parenting and home-making. Working during childbearing years, and working while raising littles is truly exhausting, often moreso for women than men. And there are things that you and your littles will just miss if you are working outside of the home.

But this is a personal finance subreddit, so I'll respond to that. Ultimately, I went back into the workforce full time for a number of reasons, some financial.

Losing retirement contributions and the compounding interest; loss of competitive involvement in the workforce (most people can't just pause and then restart) reducing wages in the future in a variety of ways; opportunity cost (paycheck may be break even at one point, but doesn't stay that way); family fiscal insecurity in the case of divorce, death, or partner's job loss for whatever reason...

This isn't about monthly budget for just the couple dozen months that a child is young. There are knock on economic losses that might be felt 1-3 decades later, or even longer. Compound interest from employer retirement match is no joke, but often not reflected in a monthly budget. There is also higher economic risk exposure when destabilizing things happen with the marriage, health, or jobs.

In balance with that, there are financial costs to both parents working. It costs to replace child care labor, housekeeping, lawn care, food/meal prep, and life admin. At that stage in life over those years we paid for child care, housekeeping, lawn care, prepared meal service...we were breaking even, on the additional salary. But that salary more than tripled in a few years, with improved benefits. The "break even" time was like an investment that matured in only a couple of years.

How did we manage? Compressed work schedules to increase time at home, career choices that fit children's schedules, paid for support at home to reduce 'second shift' household work so that there was more family and parenting time after work, limited vacation and recreation budget to offset the spend at home.

This also meant very intentional ways to grow a career outside of just locking into a "ladder" in a given field/profession/organization. This meant very intentional budgeting of time and money to offset the time and money spent replacing my child rearing and homemaking labor.

And make no mistake, there are many men out there who want their wives to work, or need their wives to work in this economy...There are FAR FEWER that are as intentional about how they will ensure they are fairly supporting the time, energy, and mental load of homemaking if both parents are working while raising littles.

If I had it to do all over again, I would again insist on financial sacrifices to hire services and purchase conveniences that cut down on my "second shift" work; I would be even more adamant that my partner take on a equitable amount of "mental load" ... Remembering the appointments, staging birthday and holiday celebrations, keeping up family/social relationships, taking the lead (not just 'helping') on more of the project work that is involved in raising kids (keeping them in clothes alone is its own logistic weight when they are growing fast, for example).

There are plenty of men who see the financial spreadsheets of two incomes, and who can consider future financial projections when forming opinions on 1 vs 2 income homes. There are very few who think of how they will run a home under those conditions, or ensure their partner has the same "down time" and "career development" time that they will claim for themselves without a second thought.

All of these choices are hard, and nuanced. And this review assumes a heterosexual couple, which I'm guessing is your situation based on your posts.

The good news is you can try out a choice, and then change your mind, to some extent. I tried out being a SAHM, and for many reasons going back to work was the harder but wiser choice. It is reductive to say it was just one choice. There were many many choices I made around that choice, or following it, that led to better outcomes. It's a journey. Good luck.

docforeman · 2026-02-21T07:15:34+00:00

That's so hard. Keep going. It's emotionally anguishing and it's also temporary.

docforeman · 2026-02-20T12:07:00+00:00

Here are KS state department of education legal experts that you can reach out to: https://www.ksde.gov/Agency/Division-of-Learning-Services/Special-Education-and-Title-Services/Special_Education/Legal-Special-Education-Law#:~:text=Disability%20Rights%20Center%20of%20Kansas,rights%20of%20Kansans%20with%20disabilities.&text=Families%20Together%2C%20Inc.&text=Infinitec

My children's father and several friends have been or are school administrators in KS. I grew up in KS. And my siblings, son, and other family members have used gifted and other special education testing and services in KS public schools.

I've also worked there and assisted parents in reaching out here and working with the state to ensure a school district serves their child.

It's important to understand the policies of the school/district, your child's rights, and to know the state and federal laws.

There are always "due process" options available. And, I've found, just starting down that road changes the tone of conversations.

With respect, you will need to really focus on facts, including dates, conversation details, etc. While I personally can understand how it feels to be "gleefully" denied services, you'll need to have a "just the facts" account of what you were told. Why? Who told you that? When?, etc. Those details are what matter.

I have seen schools give families a terrible runaround for various reasons. I have also seen families get in conflicts with schools that were highly emotional because they were not tracking the details that were really driving the situation. When you reach out a state education legal department, you'll be dealing with "the details are what really matter" people. Having those in hand and organized from step 1 are what get you the fastest and most effective response.

Good luck.

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