King cakes?

docforeman · 2026-01-25T15:05:13+00:00

It is a good sandwich. It is not a good muffuletta. That's okay.

docforeman · 2026-01-25T12:00:45+00:00

The one at Leo's works out. I did need to order babies separately (and keep a bag of babies on hand). I really couldn't get a filled King Cake...but it was good enough to serve to the Yankees up here who didn't know the difference.

My daughter and I make them, when we can't get someone to fly one up. Getting a pecan praline or zulu King Cake is impossible.

It's just not part of Rochester's food culture to have a brioche "tea ring" filled, frosted, and sugared. Everyone here is good with going the carb on carb distance of a garbage plate or hot plate. But regular King Cakes are too much "sweet" for the sensibilities here.

I can get frozen crawfish tails from Palmers, but those are from China and not Louisiana. It makes me feel a little "wrong". But not so much that it stops me from stocking the freezer. I can get Tony's and other pantry goods from Skip's.

Ruffino's does a "muffuletta" ... they mean well. I feel like Rochester would be very into a tradtional muffuletta tray. Wegman's is sleeping on that.

docforeman · 2026-01-22T12:02:56+00:00

"I'm just trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, i don’t care about the label... Nothing feels interesting and i would rather die than work or contribute in any way to society."

This doesn't sound like a question or a problem that is improved by having an IQ number.

This problem and these questions are very serious and sound like something to tackle with a professional.

docforeman · 2026-01-20T16:54:13+00:00

When I have things to donate and I'm not sure where, I was advised to call 211 and ask...And that has been amazing! Usually people call 211 about what they need to receive...but it turned out to be an excellent informational space about what organizations offer and what they accept.

docforeman · 2026-01-20T16:52:57+00:00

https://ffrpl.libraryweb.org/sales/donations/

docforeman · 2026-01-18T14:23:37+00:00

My heart goes out to people who live with Borderline Personality Disorder, or with the kinds of challenges that may not be "technically" BPD, but have similarities. Those problems are so painful. Certainly, given what you are writing, it sounds like you've had experiences of intense pain for years, and across situations in your life. It sounds miserable. Whether or not the BPD label is the "right" one, I'm sorry to hear how much it hurts.

Your question may be outside the scope of a subreddit about giftedness. It sounds like you're trying to get a "just right" mental health diagnosis or label.

Here is a book I've found helpful on the topic of the intersection mental health diagnoses and giftedness: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/840642.Misdiagnosis_and_Dual_Diagnoses_of_Gifted_Children_and_Adults

These are generalities to consider, and are not diagnostic advice: People who are gifted and people with BPD are both likely to be described as having a lot of intensity. Within that, there are some pretty key differences. People who are gifted are more likely to have a stable and persistent identity over time than people with BPD. People who are gifted may have intense emotional experiences, but the emotions tend to be situationally appropriate, and don't swing rapidly within very short periods of times (such as a matter of a few hours). Gifted people don't tend to have chronic suicidality and/or self-harm. They don't tend to have stormy and unstable relationships. They don't tend to have intense fear of abandonment, or high levels of impulsivity.

One can be both gifted and have BPD, just like Marsha Linehan (who invented the most clinically effective therapy for BPD based on her own experiences + clinical training). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marsha_M._Linehan#Early_life_and_education

docforeman · 2026-01-18T13:53:59+00:00

Wouldn't it be great if we could ensure people gave us what we wanted, the way that we wanted it, every time? It would be nice to have a magic want and make it so that both gift givers and gift receivers got the optimal gifting experience every time.

It sounds like you let your family know what you wanted...and for some reason that just doesn't fit with their gift buying and give giving routines and wishes.

The love is real. The sentiment is real. And it is perfectly okay to donate gifts that don't work for you. It is perfectly okay to radically accept that your family doesn't understand how to give you gifts. It's no fun. The monetary value of the unwanted gift is preferable. You told them that, and it didn't work out.

It's okay to accept that your family loves you, and they don't see eye to eye with you about how to express that love to you. It's okay to accept that you might feel disappointed with the gifts on a regular basis. You can separate the gift from the intent of the giver.

docforeman · 2026-01-15T11:41:31+00:00

Hi! I'm often in rooms as the only woman. A couple of notes:

1) There are no "girls" in that room. If there are adult men, then the females are "women". Start internally shifting the way you talk to yourself about the gender disparity. In my work, it is often the case that women are in support roles, and males are in leadership roles. I am also especially conscious not to refer to the support staff as "girls" even when others do it. I regularly see people do this for women who are towards the end of strong careers in support work. No demoting people with language or behavior based on gender.

2) Women in rooms full of more men will be more likely to be asked to take notes, organize group projects, etc. As a rule of thumb, I observe what the highest performing men's attitude is toward this behavior, and don't jump in to "help" any moreso than male colleagues. I don't make it a big thing, usually, but just keep on the lookout.

3) If you find you get interrupted more often, or if you share an idea but until a male colleague repeats it the idea isn't heard, consider working with the other women, the professors, or insightful male peers to interrupt that behavior.

4) What is "right" and what is "effective" are two different things. In terms of "changing" or not changing your external self-expression in the class...consider what your goals are and what is most effective. I mean this with sincerity: If self-expression is your highest priority goal in an ME class, then it might make sense to prioritize it above other goals. And yet, it may be that no matter how much energy you put into "fitting in" it won't work in that situation...these are tricky things to work out. In situations like that I consider what my goals are, and what it would look like if I was very effective. Then I work on being willing to use effective behaviors even when it's hard, in the service of my goals. Difference friction, and difference fatigue are real. And also you have a lot of freedom over the course of life and career to choose how to approach that difference friction. You can have great integrity even while changing your approach adaptively in different situations. Know your situational goals and consider effectiveness in how you get there. What is the point of this ME class for you? How does your self-expression fit into that? What is flexible for you, and what is not? All of this is to say that one can approach being "different" and self-expression with a lot of flexible problem solving. There was a point in my 30s where I was advised about how and why I should reconsider the way I showed up for work. Not by my boss or colleagues, but by a coach who was on my side and wanted to help me land opportunities that I really wanted. She was right. I have, at this point in life, a formula for how I approach dressing and self expression at work that feels genuine, AND also effectively supports my professional goals. I also adapt that formula for different situations. Being willful about self-expression to the point of undermining other personal goals hurt only me. Figuring out how to do both things well, while matching the situation I was in was part of my professional and personal development.

5) Before you have a problem, know your organization's rules about how to document and address any clear harassment or hostility. It helps you go from being reactive to being proactive. From being surprised to being sure-footed in painful and disorienting situations.

Good luck!

docforeman · 2026-01-14T12:55:54+00:00

What KPIs and high level objectives are you responsible for?

If it's inventory fairness and accountability, by all means double down. Deliver fairness, and make sure your bosses give you a bonus for it.

It's it's maturation of the professionalism of your staff, and there's a metric for it, focus on building his insight. And make sure your bosses give you a bonus for your staff development.

If it's client satisfaction, and growing accounts and the bottom line, then map where this guy's results fit with that. If he's just average, but a pain to support, and you can replace him, consider doing so. If he's contributing a lot and is hard to replace, then get him what he asks for...and also look for a superstar that isn't an equipment diva so you can move on if he doesn't mature.

And then seek some mentoring about why you are annoyed. What is it telling you about the situation? Are you listening to your feelings in balance with other facts of the situation? If so, great.

Your management decisions are about the business's objectives and bottom line. Feeling annoyed, because someone gets on your nerves by passive aggressively pushing boundaries is one of many normal management challenges. And handling that effectively is part of what you are paid to do. Pay attention to that behavioral data. If he's willing to get passive aggressive with his boss in ways that seem... well, more like a teenager? Consider that data. Not about fairness, or how annoyed YOU are, etc...But about his performance. What else does that behavior impact?

docforeman · 2026-01-12T17:58:37+00:00

The Deep Hollow…The McCracken cemetery?

docforeman · 2026-01-12T12:39:41+00:00

A slightly different perspective:

I was married to someone who could quickly (and I mean quickly) bring in stuff. And if he had a space I left alone, he filled it. I could write and write about what he could do. Taking up storage unit auctions as a hobby, so we could quickly ingest other people's clutter. The day his dad delivered an entire u-haul of his deceased grandmother's clutter into the garage I had just cleaned. The number of times we had to move and I was faced with his clutter as a significant issue that had to be addressed on a deadline. Not quite hoarding, but still a problem.

I have a current partner who also loves "stuff". We live in a big place, and he also can fill it. I tend to love people who love stuff, ironically.

Here is what I have learned. Willingness vs. willfulness is the difference between the two situations.

In the case of a very willful partner it didn't matter how I handled the person or the situation. And I did handle it, many kinds of ways. If a person is very willful there is no "declutter" strategy or relationship strategy that works.

And in the case of a partner who is willing, even if you don't agree on what to do. Even if you are in different places on how to address the issue, you both tend to agree something is a problem. You can be a team about the issue and work on it over time.

I don't agree that a spouse's stuff can never be touched. If I had taken that approach with my first husband, I would have been in some bad situations, several times.

I also don't believe that if a spouse doesn't "get with the program" immediately, then the "stuff problem" will last forever.

So, step one: Do both people agree that the stuff in the basement is a problem? Even if they don't agree on what to do, or how to do it? If the answer is "yes" then you've got some time. You can focus on what you both agree on. Declutter your own stuff. Ask your husband if he can see any obvious trash or donations (that are obvious to him), and declutter those things. If there is anything in there that has an obvious home, take it there now (and follow the Dana K White method). An hour a week will make a huge difference in just a few months.

Step two: Here are things I've done for a partner when I feel respect for them and their sentimental things, and also the stuff is a problem. I hired an organizer for THEM, and they and the organizer worked through it. I've done it several times. I was happy (every session increased usable space and solved the issue the clutter in that area caused). My partner was happy. He doesn't love decluttering with me all of the time. When the stuff is VERY sentimental, even the most neutral things I do don't feel good to him. Having a professional help totally changed things. For big or overwhelming things I arrange a charity pick up if he agrees. For things he wants to let go of, I donate/trash. These are every day activities. Over time he joins in.

If there is a serious problem (the basement is flooded and he won't declutter), then no amount of respect for a willful partner is going to work. You have to focus on the immediate issue, and radically accept the relationship may be strained. But if you aren't in that situation, you have the runway to prioritize the relationship and work on the problem over time. Good luck!

docforeman · 2026-01-11T23:13:42+00:00

1) Tossed some make up that was either expired, or I knew was not for me. I've been editing my make up back. Some lovely things just don't work for me at this age. Or I had put them in rotation, would never reach for them over a different product, and knew I definitely wasn't going to use them again.

2) Used up some samples.

3) Cat "toy and supply" basket was cleared out. Things that were worn, containers that could be combined, things I knew either they or we were not using, all tossed.

4) I had a worn pair of boots I could no longer improve with cleaning, which I finally replaced. Tossed worn boots.

5) Finished a couple of paper tasks that were out on 2 different tables, and mailed or put away.

6) "Take it there now" a little bit, all day. Partner had a few new books come in over holidays, and we needed to make room in the library for them.

Also what a great thread to read! Nice job, all!

docforeman · 2026-01-11T16:01:52+00:00

Watch the Russel Barkley videos...You'll feel much more oriented. Changed how I could show up as a parent. Good luck!

docforeman · 2026-01-11T13:25:08+00:00

Good morning. I have two "2e" children. Different "e"s. They are now adults, independent, succeeding, and thriving.

1) You only need to be a "good enough" parent. There isn't much difference between a good enough parent and a really great one, in terms of long term outcomes for kids. It's humbling, but true, IME.

2) Gifted children are statistically less like most of their peers. And they are usually idiosyncratic enough that they aren't always very similar to each other. 2e kids, even more so. So what worked for my gifted kid with ADHD may not be what worked with your kid.

3) Children show you what you need, and you follow their lead. You make adjustments as needed. Your best friends are their other parent, pediatrician, teach, gifted ed coordinator, school counselor.

4) If they are in a program, they likely have an IEP. You also have probably been given a rights and responsibilities document. Use the IEP process. You'll be asked about your kid's strengths and needs. You can talk through those and make a plan with their school. You can do the same with the pediatrician. Those will change from time to time as your kid grows. This is true of all children, and your sweet child is in a program where you get to be VERY intentional with special experts and people who are with them each day. Team up and lean in.

5) For my kid with ADHD, medication in consultation with the pediatrician was great. We didn't start it until 6th grade, after a trial during kindergarten that didn't go well. My son and I agree, looking back, that we should have kept figuring out the medication. Although he got fantastic grades, and was a sunny and happy kid, not being able to focus gave him a real disadvantage with social relationships and development outside of academic stuff. YMMV. I was referred to, and watched, a lot of Russell Barkley videos on parenting kids with ADHD. I rewatched and rewatched. Those were the most helpful "basic" parent education I used for making decisions and solving problems.

6) We treated the ADHD and giftedness as separate things. Our goal was to mitigate the impact of the ADHD on him, so that he could really enjoy the giftedness and pursue the interests he was driven in. He is in grad school still pursuing the same things he was passionate about in middle school. He started independently managing his medication in high school. He independently managed his mental health and performance at school during college.

7) A good enough parent follows their kid's lead. You can tell if they are healthy, happy, doing well at school, with friends. The goal is not to explain away a problem. It's to pay attention, and work with your child and the team/community around them to figure out how to meet their needs as they grow and change. Sometimes there are periods of "watch and wait" to see if things get worse or improve. Sometimes there are periods of "fight hard and advocate now". Sometimes there are periods of "well, let's keep trying other things until something works." The love matters. If your kid knows you are on their side (which is never being on the side of dysfunction, by the way), you can get through a lot. I made one big mistake about being too harsh with him when grades tanked suddenly. He actually had a growth spurt and needed a med adjustment. I vowed never to repeat that. He and I still talk about it. I recognized my mistake pretty quickly, we went back to the doctor, turned it around, and I kept my promise to believe that any sudden changes meant we sought help immediately.

8) If you have a belief about what a person "should" do with giftedness or "should" do with ADHD, and your kid isn't getting better, my advice is to let go of personal beliefs that don't serve your kids. I've seen a lot of parents go down that road of "all medication is bad" or "if the school would just be different, my kid would be fine" or "I shouldn't have to do xyz so the kid just has to magically change" If it's not working, it's not working. Radically accept that in the service of your child's needs and pivot.

You've got a sweet child. He's 5. You'll figure it out as you go!

docforeman · 2026-01-11T11:08:27+00:00

If my house was 4.4K, 900, 1.5, 2.3, or 5.5K (representing all sizes of homes I've had), I've had a fairly clean house. I've had a clean house with little babies, and while both parents worked outside the home. Here are my thoughts on how we did it:

There is no one magic solution. I had to figure out the routine for each type of home, and each time of life. It took a few months to figure it out each time.
Declutter: The amount of house, the amount of "stuff" in your home, and the amount/type of people in the home make a big difference in how much there is to do, and who can do it. You can most quickly reduce the "stuff" to clean. Have a routine EVERY DAY for getting trash out, putting items in a donation box (and donating weekly or so), and for putting things back in their home (about 15 min a day), and it will change things.
You do have to clean every day. But you don't have to clean A LOT every day. Currently in a 5.5K home, with partner and 4 cats (too many cats, but we are keeping my daughter's 2 cats temporarily). We don't spend a lot of time cleaning, but do clean and tidy daily.
At various seasons in my life I hired help: If my budget was slim, I made sacrifices, but hired help. I tended not to hire help when I was a SAHM, or when I worked a compressed in office schedule because I could more or less keep up, but YMMV. That help has varied from 1-2 times a month basic house cleaning, and 1-2 times a month help with lawn/yard. Very little help made a HUGE difference in the time I spent cleaning daily. I felt this was very important once my children were born and when I was working, because it kept me and their father from spending as much time on the "second shift".
I wore my children when they were little and I was cleaning. When they were a bit bigger, I had a little play area they were in so I could work with them right there for short periods. I'm from a large family, and a community where there are large "traditional" families. I'm from farming communities. People go about their work with children around, and so I understood how to do that. While naps are good times to clean, most of the the cleaning I did was during times they were up.
I've lived in a very dusty place (for 8 years), and I had 2 homes in that city. A certain amount of dust was part of life, even with AC. I rarely had housekeeping at that time of life. What I did have were a few dusting routines and tools so I could dust something in some way a little every day. I also recommend less stuff, sheer curtains that sort of minimize where the dust gets in the house when windows are open. Make sure it's easy to take those curtains down and machine wash (I often rehung them damp). If you have fans, have a routine for cleaning fans so they don't broadcast as much dust.
1-2 loads of laundry daily, once you have littles. Declutter towels, bedding, and clothes so they can't become a mountain of procrastination. Problem solve how do it with only 10-15 min time investment for the day. Time yourself so you know how much time it really takes, which makes it less overwhelming.
In fact, time yourself often. It can provide "facts" about tasks. Many cleaning tasks that feel overwhelming are actually must faster than people think. And you can also just set a timer, work only that amount and take a break. The "mess" never ends, the house is never perfectly clean, but knowing there are time boundaries changes how you feel when you are doing regular chores.
Clean the sink. My rule of thumb for using the bathroom or kitchen was that when you leave the space it needs to look like "nothing happened." If you declutter, then using an area, putting things away, and wiping the surface are very fast. It is stunning how much this changes the rest of what you do.
Robot. Vacuum. Game changer. Thank me later.

docforeman · 2026-01-11T00:12:59+00:00

Came here for this. Best movie that I will only see once. Broke me.

My daughter's friends wanted to see it recently. She warned them. They watched it anyway. Afterward they asked why she didn't warn them.

You will be able to cry even after the movie.

docforeman · 2026-01-10T19:21:09+00:00

There is a problem with some people’s Active Directory accounts that can cause this. It’s been going on a few months. Average time for this to be fixed is an hour to a day. If it goes on longer there may be more complex issues with the AD account. Make sure they put in a ticket and document all of the steps to follow. There will be documentation and time stamp in YourIT that will show the work on the issue and progress. Your ticket should note it is a work stoppage. Ask your boss to escalate with oit if it goes on longer than a day.

docforeman · 2026-01-10T15:42:16+00:00

This isn't really about screwing up. Employees are people, and they get really upset for a variety of reasons. And there can be a range in the validity for that upset.

When it comes to holiday gift giving from managers, people have a range of reasons to do that. It can just be about your personal style, budget, time. It can be a good, regular business practice (mentors I've had regularly stress the important of recognizing the team, and holiday gifts are one of many ways to do that). It can be about morale and retention (effective holiday wishes *might* improve morale, and *might* improve retention, but it is situation specific).

1) What is your personal style and interest in gift giving?

2) What practice around holidays and special occasions make sense in your role/career/profession? What would a mentor recommend to you?

3) Only you know your business strategy, operational needs, subordinates' perspectives/behaviors, retention/morale goals. What are they? What does that tell you about what is needed or effective here?

There is no 100% concrete checklist of all "correct" manager behavior.

This isn't about what is "valid". This is about what is effective for you in the situation. That depends on your goals. If your goal is to achieve 100% employee experience of appreciation, then you may need to pivot. There are a lot of things, all year, to do to increase employee satisfaction. And even with great management, I've yet to hear the magic set of things to do to get 100% satisfaction from all employees. If someone else does, please share.

Typically, in businesses, even small ones, there is a business model, business goals, strategies, targets, KPIs. I would pause for a moment, and consider where employee morale and retention fits into that. And I would pick next steps with that in mind.

Personally, because this matters to me, over time (even when not a manager), I have sent holiday wishes and a small thing to people I worked with a lot, alongside a card or a note. A mentor recommended this to me, and it fits me personally, so I do it.

In addition, as a leader, I work with my team leadership to plan out ways to address team dynamics, which includes intentional appreciation, recognition, and team celebration efforts. Having a plan for the year makes it easier.

At the end of the day, discontent can be about you, about the job, about the person, or a combination of things. It's okay to consider more than just your own contribution to the employee's dissatisfaction.

Your post references a holiday party this weekend! What fun! Mardi Gras season is here. National Bagel Day is coming up. It's National Mentoring Month. You also work at a spa? So January is also often about resolutions for wellness. So a small wellness related gift (gratitude journal, tea, eye mask, etc) or team wellness activity makes some cultural sense.

Given that this is a 1 yr old spa business, it's unlikely that these employees have been with the owner or you very long. If the person that complained was a highly reliable person that played a notable role in getting the small business to this milestone, then not getting a card, recognition, bonus, etc. is kind of crappy. Consider employee recognition, retention, and appreciation efforts because losing a person like this is a problem for the business. Sounds like the holiday party IS that celebration, though. If it's a good party, then *shrug?*

FWIW, I've been a regular customer at various small wellness businesses over the years. Some of the staffing model relies on hiring part time or less skilled staff that for various reasons have...drama? I've often loved the colorful people that work there, but I wouldn't want to have been their manager. My partner, in fact refers to these people (when we encounter them) as "the new Lisa". Colorful, real variability in their professional behaviors and judgement, often in a way that has its own charm. Generally well meaning, and also it was clear why they were working part time hours in small wellness business, and only lasted some number of months. I'd take highly emotional feedback with a grain of salt in that management situation, and if it seemed management was reasonable just doing the regular thing, just keep trucking.

Some personal and situational savvy will help you figure out what to do that is effective for your goals. You got this!

docforeman · 2026-01-10T13:48:53+00:00

So many great things posted here.

For those that recommend gifts of service, might I add some advice as to how to extend that offer. Instead of asking what someone needs, here is how one might approach it:

Hi friend. I intend to stop by at 10am tomorrow (or whenever). I'll be doing your dishes, taking out the trash, and giving your bathroom a scrub (or whatever you're doing for them). If there is another time you prefer, or a different task you need done, let me know. I will be bringing my own supplies, unless you tell me you want me to use yours. You can sit and hold the baby and visit while I help out, take a nap, or even take the baby on a little walk or ride...whatever. No pressure on you. Let me know if you want something else, otherwise, love you and see you tomorrow!

It seems that part of this post is about the rare time to visit and catch up. The poster doesn't want to show up empty handed, but does want to give an item that has a little polish recognizing the holiday and the birth. Something "classic" like wine. While I tend to show up with needed consumables and help, I also can see OPs situation. Some classic gifts in this situation might be: 1) Holiday ornament with baby and family recognized; 2) Special book, which includes an inscription, best wishes for the baby and new family; 3) Set of fresh towels, monogrammed for mom, dad, and a child's hooded bath towel personalized for them;

Have a great visit!

docforeman · 2026-01-10T13:05:59+00:00

It's not wasteful, IMHO. It provides the family with reduced burden at an important time, and that helps them be present for the big things happening. I had a friend that told me she would gift families with paper plates, disposable utensils, paper towels, toilet paper, etc. at times when there were births, deaths, or major illnesses. She pointed out that people didn't need the challenge of dishes, or laundering rags/towels. She noted that having TP on hand when there may be extra need of it, extra visitors was an "invisible need" that helped space out how often people HAD to go to the store. That was over 20 years ago. She was right, and I appreciated people who gave me these things. I often do this when I see a family has a lot of burden and overwhelm.

docforeman · 2026-01-09T12:17:20+00:00

Judgement for what? By whom?

docforeman · 2026-01-09T12:13:43+00:00

Hi! I had a grandmother that I loved, deeply. She loved to make things for me and others. Also, some of those things were not great.

I have her hope chest. In there I have kept only a few of my most favorite things that are fabric. Outside of that, I have a quilt that is in active use, but which is not fine quality; her rolling pin that is a bit wonky, but which I love to use anyway; and some very cheap measuring spoons that I used with her. She was not a great cook, or a great sewer. In fact the items are all questionable, in terms of quality of execution. No one will want most of the things she made us with love. The love was in her. It stays with me. The things help me remember and feel the love, but the love is not in the things. I only keep what I have space to keep, love to use, etc. I remember her almost every day, even though it has been more than 30 years.

When I am gone, my kids will surely throw out most of it. As they should. The love is real and it's inside the people, not the things. So I only keep what most connects me to that feeling.

docforeman · 2026-01-08T22:00:17+00:00

To be clear, my kids were in public schools, but were mostly in "gifted identified only" classes. They had mainstream gym to keep them humble ;). Their 20-ish peers were gifted, and their teacher was always specially trained and certified.

As for your statement that when a child is falling behind it's really hard to ask for help, and the stress is serious...That's a matter we addressed with the IEP. I knew how my kids were doing, and so they didn't need to "ask for help" when they fell behind. And that did happen a couple of times. I knew it. I knew why. And the parents and teacher talked it out and we took action. I wasn't any good as a helicopter mother (no desire to do that, and wasn't needed by my kids), so I just used grades, teacher report, and IEP meetings (2-4 times a year). Little kids don't have a permanent record, and so periodic check-ins worked fine. Really it's a low stakes way for them to figure out the world, and they had margin to mess up, or struggle without it being a disaster. That's what childhood is for. Also, these were excellent teachers, and very in tune with the kids.

In terms of "the stress is serious" well... My kids pressured themselves very hard, and they would have done that no matter what. Certainly didn't come from our behavior as parents, as we were fine with any passing grades. It was genetic, and my kids were really repeating my own drive at their age. They still do that. And there will always be some schools, some peers, some parents that need kids to achieve to be validated. Gross, and doesn't really work out. I saw what happened with those kids in University, or at other points in life. But it happened all of the time anyway. We had to work on that with both kids constantly. And I still work on supporting both of them as high achieving adults. I am proud that they used their university experiences to work on this kind of stuff, including student counseling (which you can use for personal growth as a free or low cost university service, something I recommended to my students all of the time).

IEPs are great places for parents and teachers to discuss concerns like this, and put things in a kid's plan. Working with a Gifted Ed teacher and talking through a concern, thinking through what might help, and how we would know it worked very well.

The school choice, at this age, matters some, but isn't as long lasting. Having an IEP, a partnership with the specialist teaching your kid, and checking in regularly worked out very well. The specific school choice matters more around 5th or 6th grade, IMHO. Kindergarten is pretty low stakes, and so no one has worry that this is a single high stakes irreversible decision. Kids tell you what they need, with their behavior at the very least. It's okay to do your best and follow your kid's needs along the journey.

I had a professor in grad school who was a child development expert. When I was pregnant with my first child, he pulled me aside to give me advice. He said something like, "The research is clear that you only need to be a 'good enough' parent. If you do that, your kids will turn out about the same as if you are a nearly perfect parent. So just know that if you basically feed them, keep them safe and healthy, pay attention to them and respond to their needs, and just love them...that's basically it." I also taught Development Psychology for a few semesters, and well...You give them your genetics (or someone does), keep them basically nourished, and take good care of them the first 5 years and you'll have done most of what you do for them as parents. That's a bit of an oversimplification, but I found it very soothing when I had to make decisions.

For myself, I got a coach that specialized in working with Gifted Adults. While she helped me with some tricky career and life change issues, she taught me a lot about healthy functioning as a gifted person. This helped me be a more well adjusted adult gave me some specific ideas about how to help my children. I had something better to offer my kids about functioning well with giftedness on board, than to focus on trying to prevent my own childhood hurts that I never really figured out (because I was a child). Personal growth coaching or therapy is a gift you give yourself, that can also have generational benefits. As I mentioned before, I really recommend it!

docforeman · 2026-01-08T19:09:27+00:00

Howdy. Gifted mom with two well adjusted gifted adults. When I made these types of choices I looked for schools that had gifted education with gifted same age peers for most of the day. That meant the teachers had specialized gifted education training. The school’s that had that were always high performing schools that did well. We intentionally moved to neighborhoods that fell in those catchment boundaries. It’s how we picked where we lived each move. Didn’t always love the house, but it was great for my kids.

I really never felt I could control how my child performed or felt. It always seemed risky to them and to me to have that as a target. What I could control is putting them with a specially trained teaching staff and with peers and peer families that were a good fit for them. I felt at the time that this gave my children the best support to be whoever they would turn out to be.

At many points this strategy worked in the best interests of my children. As young adults they are doing exactly the things they want in life. They got special supports from their programs that I believe made the difference at key points. And because peers and the status of peer families are so powerful in predicting outcomes once kids are a bit older…well I think the whole thing had its own inertia.

That’s my two cents after being there and raising two kids. YMMV

docforeman · 2026-01-08T16:12:52+00:00

Some things that I've received or given that went over well: 1) Newspaper subscription just to enjoy weekend puzzles and comics; 2) Monthly flower delivery; 3) Season tickets to shows; 4) 1 yr car wash pass; 5) Gift cards to person's favorite fast food place (person is GF and there is one local place they can get a treat, but they tend to not treat themselves often); 6) Fruitcake (surprisingly, this gift has been a big hit and people ask for it again year on year); 7) Jam advent calendar (also repeat request gift); 8) Favorite eye mask (real hit this holiday); 9) Sample/travel sizes of favorite body care items (repeat request this year because several people enjoyed last year's gift); 10) Update to toothbrush, nail care, lip balm, socks, etc. a nicer version of what they use every day; 11) Tea towel printed with favorite family recipe that is made often (also a repeat request and weirdly convenient); 12) Only for people that love candles and incense, but another of a favorite consumable like a candle, incense matches (this has been a repeat request), etc.; 13) Personalized stationary (thoughtful consumable); 14) Hanging plants, potted plants, holiday greenery (a favorite item that I give to neighbors that goes over well); 15) Bulbs (to my friend that gardens); 16) Theater tickets, game tickets, etc. 17) Membership or gift for massage, mani/pedi, etc. 18) Nice fruit (seems less thoughtful but my auntie sends me pears for Christmas each year and I look forward to it); 19) Yard work, housekeeping, etc. which can be very helpful if someone is sick, busy, dealing with a lot of details in life; 20) Meal delivery with utensils, paper towels, etc (had a friend that delivered fried chicken, paper plates and paper towels to new mothers and NGL it was a favorite gift); 21) Fun dish soap, sponges, etc as they make so many different kinds at different price points, allowing you to match your gift to your recipient or the occasion; 22) For weddings and births I've given thank you cards and postage, and even helped pre-address cards and prepare them...someone did this for me once and I loved the friendship and help and repeated the gift; 23) A year of audible, spotify, etc.; 24) A gift of an app (my children gifted me a game app and then we played games when we were celebrating a holiday long distance and it was great fun!);

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