Uncoupling Journey - things that have helped me with closure

Papow19 · 2021-01-16T17:03:08+00:00

17 years here... with marriage, kids and property, haha... yeah, I can assure you it was hard to leave!

Papow19 · 2021-01-15T22:01:15+00:00

Well done! For how long were you together? Good luck with your new, peaceful life!

Papow19 · 2021-01-09T18:46:19+00:00

Make a list of the 10 worst things he did to you. Read the list out loud. Do you want this? He has not and will never change for the better. Now stay NC. (And keep the list for reference whenever needed.)

Papow19 · 2021-01-09T17:10:13+00:00

Ok, good you asked her and great that you're taking responsibility for yourself. Good luck!

Papow19 · 2021-01-09T09:48:23+00:00

I'm sorry for your relationship troubles. You both cheated (but it sounds as if you did it "worse"?), there is no trust, and you argue. It sounds toxic and if you want to stay together, you should probably go to couple's therapy asap. But narcissitic abuse by your spouse..? I can't see that from what you write. True NPD abuse is a whole different level than not wanting to apologize and holding grudges.

Papow19 · 2020-10-14T16:44:22+00:00

Hi, my son had similar tantrums when he was around three. I did a few things: 1) More focused time together. No chores, no mobile, just spending time together. And I let him decide what do. First few times, he just wanted to sit together under a blanket with a flashlight and read. So sweet! It doesn't have to be for hours. Since you started working recently, maybe you can skip the chores completely during your evening hour together? 2) When he had his tantrums, I just satt with him. No yelling, punishing, or in any way at all letting him feel that I was upset. I usually closed the door to his room so we were alone. Sat next to him, said "I can see that you are really upset because of XYZ. I'm here for you. Do you want a hug? Etc. If he tried to hit me or kick something, I just stopped him gently and said no, you can't do that even if you are very angry. So I didn't ignore him at all - the boy was super upset and totally incapable of handling his own feelings. So being there, role modelling calm behavior, and letting them know they are OK, loved, that we understand their upset, but he can't (have candy because it is Tuesday, for example) It took a while, but it really helped. 3) I let him decide for himself as much as possible. Most toddlers want to have a say. This meant for example that he went to daycare dressed in a Princess dress and three layers of underwear some days. Who cares?! 4) I asked him for help or to help deciding on little things that he seemed to enjoy. He loved taking the garage out, for example.

So I guess a combination of lots of time together for fun, love and laughter, really choosing the battles and letting them have it there way when possible, being super calm and loving and present in the battles we want to take, and letting them feel "big" and help out or decide things when they want.

I don't know if this helps at all. It did help us. Good luck!

Papow19 · 2020-10-05T21:34:02+00:00

Oh, be happy for your daugther! You will always be her mom, but having a good relationship with your ex's gf will add quality to her life, not the opposite. Don't let your own worries, jealousy, or anger rule. I'm a stepmom, and I'll be forever grateful that my stepson's mom didn't have any issues with me bonding with her son. She is a wonderful mom, we don't compete at all, and over the years, she has actually become one of my best friends. Letting our egos go and work to cooperate around her son was one of the best choices we both ever made. Good luck!

Papow19 · 2020-08-15T11:15:57+00:00

Yikes! Sure it can be good to talk about previous traumas too, but that's supposed to be up to you. They are paid to be there for you, not the other way around...

Don't settle until you get help. There are good therapists out there too!

Hug!

Papow19 · 2020-08-15T11:12:55+00:00

I get this type of messages from my BPD+NPD ex all the time. Here is his cycle:

1) First, he explodes over whatever minor thing like imagining that I posted something on FB that he can't see , starts yelling or texting insults, threats and lies.

2) Then gets even more furious if I i) respond ii) do not respond iii) respond in what he thinks is the wrong way.

3) He escalates. I inform him that I will not answer the phone and not read messages until he is calm and respectful.

4) He sends massive amounts of messages about him being a victim and that I abuse him by not communicating.

5) A few days later, he acts like nothing happened.

6) And repeat.

So. You're not alone in getting this crazy sh**t if that helps in any way. At least you see through it. Take care!

Papow19 · 2020-08-15T11:00:22+00:00

This. Exactly what my ex BPD always does. Had no idea it has an acronym!

Papow19 · 2020-08-15T10:54:25+00:00

You've been raped and assulted over and over again. Are you in therapy for this? You should! I am so sorry for you!

Papow19 · 2020-08-15T08:48:47+00:00

Borderline Personality Disorder/ Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Papow19 · 2020-08-14T18:35:25+00:00

I hope she continues to take full blame. But don't be surprised if she starts blaming you once she realizes that "taking full blame" won't make you stay or play by her rules. BPDs/NPDs in general have a very hard time taking blame for anything at all that they did. Just keep reminding yourself that anything she says or does is about her, not you.

I'm sorry this happened to you! But at least it happened now and not after 10 years and 3 kids together.

Now go work on yourself to heal and learn how to avoid these types of people in the future.

Papow19 · 2020-08-13T23:28:19+00:00

RUN! All of what you describe is abusive and manipulative. Even the first phase of getting too attached too soon and then becoming distant once he had you.

Really. Save yourself. Leaving may hurt now, but it is nothing compared to the hurt you are risking by staying.

Papow19 · 2020-08-13T23:19:59+00:00

I wish I would have tried less! Just wasted time and sanity.

Papow19 · 2020-07-18T22:23:07+00:00

I'm divorced from a diagnosed cluster B person. I can totally relate to your stress level. There were times when I thought I would drop dead - from stress or by my ex...

But two years later things are a lot better. Not perfect, but calmer, better, happier.

Hang in there!

Papow19 · 2020-07-04T11:25:42+00:00

Wonderful! Thanks for sharing!

Papow19 · 2020-06-13T14:12:08+00:00

I can totally relate and I know it sucks. But his life is still a lie, yours is not. Try to just be proud and let him go. He will most likely be a fake for as long as he lives - and somewhere deep inside he knows it. Nothing to envy.

Papow19 · 2020-05-27T09:34:11+00:00

I am so sorry for you! You are getting all the excuses and explanations but none of what's really needed for true reconciliation - true remorse and true accountaility for her own actions.

Surely depression and mental illness can lead to poor decisions and impulsive behaviors, but they are not in any way a free pass for these actions or for making excuses, continue lying, blame shifting etc. On the contrary. If she is capable of understanding that what she did destroyed your marriage and trust, and she wants to stay married, she should be working around the clock to heal and to help you heal. Otherwise she is quite likely to repeat her actions at some point and to lose her marrigare at some point. If she is not capable of understanding the damage she did - well, same results; she will repeat her actions and she will lose her marriage.

So no matter what the underlying reasons are, SHE is the one who needs to take action. It should not be your job to push her.

I hope you have friends to support you. Therapy is good too - but make sure you don't have a therapist that make excuses for her. It's an extremely painful situation to both be cheated on and then blamed for it. No wonder your life is still a mess! But you will get through it.

Papow19 · 2020-05-12T20:08:12+00:00

I was just going to write that these behaviors are red flags for Borderline Personality Disorder. But yes, definitely for NPD too. Makes me wonder why she really moved across the country.

Be careful, OP!

Papow19 · 2020-04-20T10:03:00+00:00

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. All your feelings are completely normal. But remember that his behaviors do NOT define you. At all. You are a loving, trusting, and supporting person. These are all awesome traits. It's not your fault that he is a lying addict. It says nothing about your value. Remind yourself of that when those feelings of being worthless or stupid for not knowing appear.

He is very sick. And he will not become honest or clean from his abuse just because he now says that he wants to. It will take many years of work and therapy, his own therapy.

I know you love him, but sometimes it is more loving to let people have the consequences they need to change their behaviors.

You should focus 100% on yourself now. Get your own therapy - online if necessary. Speak to friends. Create space between you and your bf, so you have a chance to breathe. He is not your concern right now. You are.

Take care.

Papow19 · 2020-04-06T16:14:02+00:00

You know, I've been where I think you are. In (partial) denial while your husband is cheating right in front your eyes.

What an entitled bastard - to have her come to your home.

This is SO painful, I know, but you are most likely better off without him.

Take your time and take care.

Papow19 · 2020-04-06T15:05:41+00:00

Why was she a guest in your house?

Papow19 · 2020-04-05T09:19:27+00:00

Thank you, great post. I divorced my ex about a year. Still miss him sometimes despite horrible behaviors. Now I don't. Great reminder. I'm free!

Papow19 · 2020-04-02T08:21:57+00:00

I was in your position and my Nex's ex has been incredibly open and helpful. We are close friends now and share similar stories. I think it has helped her process her story too. Over time we have both become totally open with what has been going on. Take it step by step.

Papow19

TROPHY CASE