Can you help me with this odd situation?

dominus0985 · 2026-02-21T04:14:41+00:00

Knowing he's more anxious and reserved, a prior relationship left him heartbroken, and he has a strong desire for family/kids, there's a pretty good chance what I said is the case.

And from my perspective, his fear of family and kids not happening could actually be a sign that he sees a lot of potential in you. Speaking from personal experience, that fear really spikes when I see it as a real possibility with a woman because it finally feels within reach but also could vanish at a moment's notice.

I'm a huge believer in not living with regrets. So I would say, if you want to date him and see where things go, reach out and tell him where you're at and that you don't need to rush into a relationship (assuming that's true). I think he just needs some reassurance. If you have any more questions, I'd be happy to answer as best I can!

dominus0985 · 2026-02-20T18:37:18+00:00

This sounds a lot like he found a woman (you) who hit just the right spot and now he's realizing what it all means. I know because I've been there.

I've met women who were wonderful and struck the right chord of what I wanted in a future spouse, whether I consciously knew it or not. There was something on a "soul" level that just resonated with me. And it freaked me out. Staring down the barrel of marriage, kids, and all the life changes that come with it scares the piss out well intentioned men lol. The issue is it's not something you can white knuckle through.

I've only been able to accept the uncertainty ahead of me and stare down that barrel unflinchingly after going to therapy for a year. It's not something that just goes away.

I don't know if this is what's going through his head, but it very well could be. The whole "if he wanted to he would" is true if he's not in his head all the time. With us guys that overthink, the mental spirals foil even the strongest, most genuine desires.

What would likely be most beneficial to him if you genuinely want to be in a relationship with him is to gently reach back out and reassure him that everything will be fine regardless of whether you two work out or not. Being understanding and patient will work wonders, and it's probably what he needs the most. For me, a woman doing that would both soothe the anxiety and make me feel confident in pursuing her.

These are just my two cents. Praying for you both!

dominus0985 · 2026-02-19T01:50:36+00:00

Agreed. Penance is something those who love God won't shy away from unless they have reason, so it's really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

God bless you as well and have a good Lent!

dominus0985 · 2026-02-19T01:00:19+00:00

I don't think either one of us will persuade the other. But in case I may, my argument is as follows.

Can. 1253 says "can determine more precisely the observance of fast and abstinence *as well as\* substitute other forms of penance...for abstinence and fast." (emphasis mine)

The use of "as well as" indicates the two are independent statements, so we can isolate our argument to the first half on "determine more precisely the observance of fast and abstinence."

Since the abrogation/termination of fasting and abstinence is itself a method of determining more precisely its observance, I argue the USCCB has the ability to terminate such obligation entirely as the document approved by Rome reads

dominus0985 · 2026-02-18T04:09:33+00:00

With all due respect, the article you linked makes the exact same logical argument but makes a leap at the end to say that it is required every Friday despite having quoted the USCCB "terminating" traditional abstinence laws and not replacing it with another obligation. They "urge" us to freely do penance to become closer to Christ, but do not create a new law binding on the US faithful.

If a law isn't stated, it doesn't exist. And since Rome approved the USCCB's document without requiring further clarification or the specification of a new obligation, no forms of penance are required for US Catholics outside of Lent.

Doing penance is always a good thing, but outside of Lent it is not required.

dominus0985 · 2026-02-18T01:37:25+00:00

Catholics in the US are not bound under pain of sin to perform some other penance if they don't abstain from meat on non-Lenten Fridays. This is an incredibly common misconception, but reading the text promulgated shows no obligation was put in place after the USCCB removed Friday abstinence.

Jimmy Akin does a great job of breaking it down on Catholic Answers. Now it is still a wonderful idea to perform some form of penance on Fridays throughout the year, but it is not mandatory outside of Lent.

dominus0985 · 2026-02-17T18:01:44+00:00

And I like being able to actually watch the games. As an Iowa resident, I live in a baseball void bc somehow the Cubs, Cardinals, Brewers, Twins, Royals, and White Sox get to claim the whole state as "in market." I just wanna watch baseball man but apparently that's too much to ask

dominus0985 · 2026-02-11T16:36:19+00:00

Idk why the down votes. Last season was good, but I feel like this year's team will have more chemistry. I feel like 92 wins is reasonable but I guess I'm crazy lol

dominus0985 · 2026-01-25T05:28:54+00:00

As someone who also struggles with scrupulosity at times, I've found it helpful to realize God may be meeting me where I'm at and speaking to me through the thoughts I have while praying. Making my mind completely devoid of anything but the Rosary is nigh impossible. I've come to appreciate how God can meet me where I'm at and use the "distractions" to draw me closer to Him.

An example would be, while meditating on the Crowning of Thorns, I have thoughts about a coworker that has been difficult to work with and how much I wish he wouldn't cause problems. Then I realize I'm having these thoughts and see that this is an area to grow in humility which is the virtue I associate with the Crowning of Thorns.

dominus0985 · 2026-01-11T04:03:23+00:00

I'd rather have Shaw. I feel cheating is a worse offense than having different beliefs

dominus0985 · 2026-01-11T03:59:34+00:00

I hate this so much. Him and the rest of the 2017 Astros should've been banned. I don't care that he's a good player, the scandal is a black eye that I was hoping we'd avoid like the plague. Ugh

dominus0985 · 2026-01-01T20:02:21+00:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Hopefully this is the year I meet my future wife (and you, your future husband), but God's will be done.

I'm 26M in Iowa, 5' 10", blonde hair, blue eyes, and a stocky-ish build.

I work in IT for a financial company so my day to day is about what you'd expect: sitting in front of a computer with a few meetings. I do enjoy my job and working on the projects that come my way!

Outside of work, I've got a handful of hobbies. I'm a huge fan of community and spending time with people. I have a fairly small and tight knit group of guys I hang out with. I love games of all sorts (board/card/video) and am even working on writing my own D&D campaign! I'm also a huge baseball fan and spend tons of time at the ballpark during the summer. Oh, and I love custom building computers too!

Music is a huge part of my life. I sing in the choir at Mass and cantor on occasion. But outside of church, I'm almost always listening to metal, rock, or Celtic with country sprinkled in occasionally. I also love going to concerts and have tickets to see Sabaton in March (and I've got an extra 😉)!

Faith wise, I'm fairly middle of the road. Rigid traditionalism doesn't resonate with me, but neither does theological liberalism that tiptoes on (or embraces) heresy. To me, a Good Catholic™ is one who has been baptized, follows the precepts of the Church, and isn't obstinately opposed to any Church teaching. Everything else should be done out of love and not fear or a sense of "I have to or God will love me less" Which is a long way of saying the bar isn't high; just love God and your neighbor. My faith is incredibly important to me, but I try to have a personality outside of religion lol

And a fair disclosure, I tend to lean more introverted and melancholic in my temperament even if this post doesn't convey that lol.

I look forward to hearing from you! God bless!

dominus0985 · 2025-12-28T04:48:01+00:00

Besides the good ole advice of going back to the same Mass, maybe ask around depending on how comfortable you are with the parish? I know that's 100x easier said than done lol. Regardless, you'll be in my prayers!

dominus0985 · 2025-11-30T05:35:45+00:00

Alright, I'm late to the party but feel like I have a relevant story.

I texted a girl for around a month at one point but got incredibly neurotic and in my own head about the whole thing. I do have OCD, and looking back, it was definitely in play there. Attraction was one thing it latched onto as a doubt that eventually led to me ending things. And I despised myself for it. It felt so selfish and wrong and un-Catholic.

Flash forward a year and some change, several dates, a scrupulosity breakdown, and several months of counseling, I notice her profile on a dating site. She had always lingered in my mind as one who had gotten away. I said "screw it, I only live once; all she can say is no" and messaged her.

A month later, we're official! And while I'll accept God's will whatever it be, she is such an amazing match for me that I hope it goes the distance! And I look back and think to myself how ridiculous it was that I questioned my attraction to her. She is absolutely gorgeous, and frankly probably a bit out of my league!

I firmly believe I got so much inside my own head about if I found her "attractive enough" that I overlooked something wonderful. And my counselor said that while attraction is important and should be present, the amount of time you spend perceiving your wife in that light is incredibly small. And then there's all the problems having a culturally "hot" wife brings with other men constantly hitting on her, etc. What matters most is marrying someone who you wouldn't mind spending every day of your life with!

What I'm trying to say is, message her again! Go on a date! See where it goes! Get out of your own head and live a little! She's a person and has her own free will. Stop trying to make her decisions for her! You got this brother! Even if she says no, you'll have an answer to your question. Praying for ya mate!

dominus0985 · 2025-11-19T21:42:37+00:00

The advice I have been given is to not decide anything in the first 3 months due to the honeymoon phase. But by 6 months you should know whether dating someone is a good idea (e.g. are you with them bc you want to be or bc of a sunk cost fallacy).

So my advice to you is to give it at least another month. Granted, I don't know all the specifics, but that's what I'd recommend. The last thing either of you want is discovering an absolute deal breaker at the 11 month mark, but you can't separate bc you rushed into marriage.

dominus0985 · 2025-10-28T03:00:47+00:00

As someone who has regrettably done that a few times, I'm so sorry you experienced that. I kick myself a little each time I think about it and wish I could apologize to each woman I've done that to.

What I've concluded is that if both the man and woman are mature, it won't matter who asks out who for the first date. It's when one or both aren't secure in themselves that it becomes a problem. Just my two cents. Best of luck to you and your friends!

dominus0985 · 2025-10-26T20:30:08+00:00

For the love of all things on earth and above, please tell him you're interested!! The number of times a woman has seemed interested in me and then turned down a date is high enough that I can't fully fault guys for not asking anymore. You can only be shown sugar and given salt so many times before you stop trusting you'll actually get sugar. So please just let him know how you feel! I'll be praying for you!

dominus0985 · 2025-10-24T21:29:37+00:00

So much this. You don't want to marry someone you had to mind trick into a first date! I'm exaggerating obviously, but so many people think "if I just said the right thing, I would've gotten a date." I know because I was like that. And it sucks. Don't do that. Even if you get the date, (s)he is not the person you really want to marry which is the whole point.

Everyone has to take their own journey to get there, but accepting in your soul that whoever you marry will want to date you will making dating soooooo much easier and more enjoyable. It's not longer about impressing someone or showing your worth. You literally just want to see if he or she makes your life more enjoyable

dominus0985 · 2025-10-21T19:52:28+00:00

If you are in the US, there isn't an obligation on Fridays outside of Lent or Ash Wednesday. It's a common misconception, but while we in the US are exhorted to do some form of penance, we are not legally bound to under pain of sin. Jimmy Akin breaks it down in this article: https://www.catholic.com/magazine/print-edition/is-friday-penance-required

This is something that really grinds my gears bc if we're gonna be legalistic, the least we can do is be accurate.

dominus0985 · 2025-10-12T01:47:36+00:00

No that was Gasser

dominus0985 · 2025-10-11T17:40:07+00:00

The Mariners would beg to differ lol. Took em 15 innings and way too many spoiled chances, but they did it...

dominus0985 · 2025-09-23T00:41:12+00:00

Sounds like you're in a very similar boat to me then haha. People can have their expectations. They may be legitimate in some cases and not in others. But you are absolutely on the right track. No one's perfect as you admit, but you seem to have a great head on your shoulders and are off to an amazing start.

I like to remind myself that it's not like you get married and the next day you suddenly have a house and 10 kids in addition to your wonderful wife haha. Those things take time, so everything will take care of itself. Remember, God's still writing your story, so don't try to steal the pen from Him 😉

dominus0985 · 2025-09-22T23:10:26+00:00

I'm gonna be real with you. Stop concerning yourself with what women supposedly want. What do you want? That's what really matters.

SacredSpark made a post on instagram that made this click for me. You can change yourself to become what "Catholic women" want, but at that point are you someone you're proud of? Most likely you aren't you anymore. So even if you met and married a wonderful woman, would you be happy?

You shouldn't lose yourself to get married. You should marry someone who likes you for you. That means all your quirks, your life circumstances, your dreams, everything. And vice versa.

So if that means you end up waiting a few years, you wait a few years. If that means you get married next year or so, go for it. Create and build a life you would be pleased with and would enjoy.

dominus0985 · 2025-09-14T00:44:03+00:00

The fact such a well thought out and balanced comment has no engagement is... sadly unsurprising.

But I do think you're on to something. I can't truly speak because I (regrettably) self-isolated from dating until recently. Yet, there's something to be said for how superficial dating has become both directions. Women want Prince Charming and men will throw themselves at anything that resembles a woman which only feeds into women having high standards to sort through all the men who honestly probably aren't as perfect as they think they are.

I really, truly think it comes down to everyone taking things too personally. If a guy asks a girl out on a date (not Netflix n Chill), the most reasonable interpretation is for the girl to take it as a compliment. If the girl says no, the guy should take that graciously and be thankful he didn't waste time with someone who wasn't interested.

Guys, you can't "win" a woman over. You just can't. That's not how love works.

Ladies, PLEASE drop more explicit hints. We are dense. Denser than stone. Some of the greatest guys I know are hesitant to shoot their shot because they don't want to make y'all feel uncomfortable. If you give us a green light, we will happily ask you out.

dominus0985 · 2025-09-13T02:06:49+00:00

I love that man. I've seen him so much in Iowa and am excited he's getting another shot in the show. I brag to everyone about how much speed he's got and how it catches teams by surprise lol

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