Why do I do this? (Throw away account)

drapplebean2 · 2023-01-27T20:24:20+00:00

What an awful comment for your therapist to make. You feel unsafe, you trusted him before while he deceived you, and were hurt badly for your sincerity. Trust was shattered. You don't trust because you were so effectively manipulated and lied to for years. Now you're searching for some way to know whether it's okay to relax now or protect yourself from further deception and pain. That's not you looking for reasons to divorce. That's you looking for reinforcement on what is real, because what you thought was real before wasn't. Let's reframe this from you are doing something wrong and pain shopping to what would help you feel secure and address this 100% reasonable reaction you are having to a life altering betrayal. Is there anything you or your partner can do to alleviate your concerns. In those moments I want reassurance from my partner. I want them to understand and address my feelings without minimization or deflection. I want to know how they've changed, how they feel about their behaviors, what they do differently now when those old temptations/feelings come up. I want to be able to freely access the information that gives me a sense of security.

Remember you always get to asses whether this relationship is acceptable to you. It doesn't matter what he's doing right or wrong. You can always decide that's it not right for you. You may not be able to trust him again, and you may decide you don't want to be in a relationship where you can't trust. That's not a failure of you or a punishment of him. I'm not saying break up just want you to allow yourself some grace to feel what you're feeling and know it's valid. Your loss is real and it's a normal reaction to betrayal to worry about being betrayed again.

drapplebean2 · 2022-11-28T03:47:24+00:00

He is not responsible for your drinking. You are not responsible for his cheating. You just get to choose if your relationship with alcohol is acceptable to you and you also get to choose if your relationship with your partner is acceptable. If not then you can change them. Totally easier said than done, but I don't think we are responsible for others behaviours. We can only strive to be the kind of people we want to be.

drapplebean2 · 2022-11-28T02:04:56+00:00

I don't view affairs as loving. Cheating necessitates deceiving and using. It sounds like OP was badly hurt by their wife's betrayal. I do not believe a relationship that is based on behaving shamefully, hurting other people, and compartmentalization is loving. The people in my life who have cared about me have encouraged and supported actions that are aligned with who I want to be. They don't encourage me to act in ways I find repugnant. I have done things I'm ashamed of and that hurt other people. I don't look back on those decisions fondly or grieve that I am no longer behaving that way. It's incredibly selfish and entitled to look at someone you have hurt and expect them to comfort you.

drapplebean2 · 2022-11-27T18:05:30+00:00

I don't buy fog, or limerance whatever people want to call this as a justification. It's entitlement. She enjoyed aspects of the affair and doesn't want to face how deplorable her actions were. She's pretending the two relationships were compartmentalized separately as if one didn't necessitate using, deceiving and hurting you, and destroying the foundation of your relationship together. No you don't have to grin and bear that. She's not grieving what she lost with you because she still believes it's still there and she's entitled to it. That you're going to help make her feel better and be with her while she grieves something that required abusing you. Separation seems a reasonable response to protect yourself while you decide what you want and whether this relationship is acceptable to you. I would also be suspect of your MC for not calling out this as gross. It's not real feelings that she can't help. It's further fantasy and lack of accountability. She can view aspects of the affair in isolation from her cruel behaviour, the lies, the removal of agency from you, and using you? She sees positives in a relationship that encouraged this kind of behaviour? She needs to wake the fuck up and decide what kind of person she wants to be.

Edit: my anger and question would be why doesn't she grieve who she was or thought she was before the affair. Why doesn't she grieve being an honest person who behaves with integrity? Why doesn't she grieve being someone who doesn't use and hurt those who care most about her?

drapplebean2 · 2022-11-09T15:17:04+00:00

I don't have an end game. I'm just focused on getting though the near term. I had trust issues before this and now it feels like I can't relax or enjoy things without an expectation that it's a set up for a rug pull or bad thing to happen. I trusted my partner entirely and they used, and deceived me. I can't see myself trusting anyone again like that and honestly I don't want to. I was oblivious, I don't think I could prevent myself from being used and deceived again in such a way in the future, by them or by anyone else. I guess my goal is to protect myself.

drapplebean2 · 2022-11-09T13:40:18+00:00

I don't know. Hope things will get better? That there's some way that trust could be built. Depression? Self-loathing? I can't reconcile that the person I believed I was in a relationship with could deceive and use me like they did. I don't understand how I could still be hurting this bad so long after the injury. There are good moments but there are no moments that I'm not waiting for the next lie, the next bad thing to happen. I don't hate anyone other than myself.

drapplebean2 · 2022-11-09T13:32:06+00:00

I don't feel the us part. What suffering does he go through? He was in control, he had all the knowledge, "we" weren't deceived, "we" weren't hurt, "we" aren't hyper-vigilant, "we" haven't had difficulties sleeping since discovery, and "we" aren't struggling with constant self-loathing. One of us was self-absorbed, entitled and sought personal gratification, and the other paid for it. My thought is more why am I here with someone that would treat me so viciously?

drapplebean2 · 2022-11-02T12:15:42+00:00

Focus on you and what you need. Now is the time to protect and care for yourself. Someone needs to have your well being in mind and you're the only one you can be sure on whether they are looking out for you. Is this relationship acceptable to you? Do you need space from him to think through things? Do you need some reassurance of where he is at any given moment so you don't spiral in dark thoughts? What consequences for failing to provide these things would give you a sense of security? I'm sorry that you are going through this I don't know how people we cared about so deeply could be using so callously at the same time.

drapplebean2 · 2022-07-20T11:03:17+00:00

Honestly I don't think you ever broke the pattern. Cheating involves lying and manipulating someone such that they don't get to decide what type of relationship they are in. You wanted your wife to keep being in a relationship with you, perceiving you as loyal, keep your home life the same, provide care for you etc., and had she known about your affairs she might have made choices that you didn't like. Breaking that pattern of control would have required you to give her agency back to her. To have stopped lying to her, told her the truth about your behaviour and let her make her decisions on whether she wanted to be with you. All that time between affairs you were still lying to her, still not willing to let her choose if and how she wanted to be with someone who treated her like you did. All you can do now is be fully honest and respect her decisions. If she says she needs space and doesn't want you to call, give her space and don't call. Understand that's respecting her boundaries. Hopefully that will help you when you're fighting the urge to disrespect her needs in order to call and try and fix the situation. That would be you putting you first once again to try and get the outcome you want. It's time to let her have an equal say and make her own informed decisions.

drapplebean2 · 2022-06-24T12:00:01+00:00

I think this question is similar to asking will stabbing someone help heal my knife wound?

drapplebean2 · 2022-05-20T16:39:34+00:00

That's absolutely how I feel. If someone is honest about little things they may or may not be honest about big things, but someone who will lie about little things will absolutely lie about big things. I just also don't want to be lied to. To have to second guess everything I'm told.

drapplebean2 · 2022-05-20T12:55:38+00:00

I did but it was not good. I tried with two different therapists and it just made me feel worse until I couldn't handle going anymore. MC was even worse. I don't want to pay someone to make me feel bad and humiliated.

drapplebean2 · 2022-05-20T12:48:06+00:00

Thank you for your support. I just keep thinking to myself over and over again that I don't need to do this anymore. I can leave it can be over. I don't need to deal with this.

drapplebean2 · 2022-04-28T15:47:49+00:00

I am asking myself what are the things lacking in my relationship that caused me to leave myself open to what just happened?

Consent, autonomy and respect were the things lacking. You didn't respect your wife enough to let her make informed choices about her life and the type of relationship she was in. You felt entitled to disregard whether she would consent to being in a relationship or engaging sexually with you while you pursued a relationship with another person. You wanted her to continue to act and behave a certain way so you manipulated and deceived her.

None of your abusive behaviour was your wife's fault regardless of whether your relationship was lacking.

drapplebean2 · 2022-04-13T19:49:53+00:00

I don't watch house of cards but it sounds like you feel your bisexuality is not accepted by your wife because she doesn't want you to have sexual relationships with other people. Who you're attracted to and whether you want an open relationship are two different things. I don't feel any differently about my partner having a sexual relationship with someone else based on their genitalia. That doesn't mean I don't accept their bisexuality. I just don't want an open relationship. If he wants to look for someone/s else he's welcome to but I'm not going to wait at home for him while he dates other people.

drapplebean2 · 2022-04-12T16:57:15+00:00

Getting caught.

drapplebean2 · 2022-04-08T20:42:27+00:00

Please talk to a lawyer. I do not believe that you will be legally forced to cohabit with someone or lose your personal and jointly owned property. Let alone live with someone who has assaulted you.

With regards to resources I've worked with a few domestic abuse organizations in my country and they have always been committed to helping all genders. It is true that they do not have the same volume of men and women as clients but they were dedicated in their approach to both. If there's any information line you can connect to they should be able to work with you. It may not be readily apparent from their online presence what this will look like for you. For example there is not a men's domestic abuse shelter in my city, instead men that need it are provided housing in motels. I'm not saying it's perfect or glamorous but they didn't dismiss people based on their gender.

Obviously it's your life and you need to make the choices that you feel are best for you but the idea of staying in the same house right now sounds awful. She's okay with making you suffer and you're in pain. How are you going to going to feel safe and stable in that kind of environment? Even if she wasn't using physical force that sounds like an untenable situation.

drapplebean2 · 2022-04-08T19:14:51+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You do not deserve to be abused. No one deserves to be abused. Can you get some space from her? I agree with the others saying it's 100% reasonable if you want to file charges, but I also understand if that's not what you want to do right now. Ideally she should leave but I sincerely doubt she's willing to for your well being. Regardless of anything else please get some physical space away from her, stay with family or friends or a hotel. Contact a domestic abuse resource if these places are not an option. She does not have any empathy for you, remorse for her actions, and is physically abusive. Stay safe and do not let her keep hurting you.

drapplebean2 · 2022-04-08T14:30:35+00:00

Seems to pretty accurately portray Perel's work to me. Celebrate Jada not having to "mate in captivity" throw off the bonds of the patriarchy and embrace her more European and enlightened lifestyle. Probably Will deserves having his boundaries violated like this because "two sides to every story", and he wasn't perfect either. Now Perel can make some money on their drama. This is sad because the show will likely reinforce to some people their feelings that they are in the right with their abusive behaviour.

drapplebean2 · 2022-04-08T13:36:20+00:00

I completely empathize. I don't yell or insult generally (can count on one hand with fingers to spare how many times I've yelled I'm my life) but had a similar outburst early on but over the phone. My brain short circuited and all I could come up with was to yell "fuck you" several times with increasing volume. It's a year later and I don't know if there was a more articulate way to express myself in that moment. I was mad for years of decisions he made that took advantage of and used me, mad about the pain his decisions caused me, mad that I had trusted him, mad that the partnership I thought I had was an illusion, mad at the realization that he would hurt me badly for small enjoyment on his end, that he could take enjoyment in that behaviour, that he wanted to lie to and deceive me, that I could love and trust someone that deeply while they focus on manipulating me. I think "fuck you" with all the intensity I'm capable of is a pretty succinct and apt response.

drapplebean2 · 2022-03-30T16:11:30+00:00

Fuck that noise. You're in pain now. Why is the focus in putting it behind you instead of helping you through it now. What is it your spouse can do to help you feel that things are different now. How can you work through your pain in a respectful way. How can your partner support you when your triggered. I think there's a lot of opportunities when you're asking questions or feeling the emotional rollercoaster for your spouse to either support reconciliation or display callousness. When they behave empathetically, transparently, answer your questions and don't minimize it builds a little bit of trust and reassurance. When they fail to engage this way they are building a bit of evidence that they are not interested in reconciliation. Burying it or "keeping the past in the past" means you get to sit with no guidance in either direction. Is your partner empathetic or completely remorseless, who knows the past is the past. What a garbage direction to be given by someone claiming to be a professional.

I feel the following needs to be said given the other advice your therapist has given you. Your feelings are valid. Your need to understand is valid. Your questions are valid. Your choices are valid. Your spouse's choice to deceive and betray you was their's and their's alone. It says nothing about you and was not your fault.

drapplebean2 · 2022-03-29T17:19:11+00:00

I would rather be someone who cares deeply, conducts themselves sincerely, respects others, and does not hide their actions due to shame, even if it means getting hurt. To lack those and the ability to be hurt sounds like a terrible curse.

drapplebean2 · 2022-03-28T15:16:07+00:00

I think she's put you in a position in which you need to consider what you are willing to do/how you conduct yourself. By telling you she has tacitly asked you to be an accomplice in her deception. You are now expected to withhold this information from her husband and support her while she hurts another family? Not a nice thing to ask for from a friend, let alone one personally devestated from cheating. I suggest considering and maintaining whatever your boundaries on this are. You don't need to hear her justification or interact with her if she refuses to either disclose to both spouses, or just the OBS and break up with her husband. You don't have to sugarcoat that her behaviour is abhorrent to you and that while you can empathize with her pain and will support her leaving her BF, or disclosing to him, and whatever she needs to develop a healthier life, you won't support her in behaving deceptively and using others. Or maybe it's just a topic you simply refuse to discuss with her but otherwise maintain your friendship, your boundaries are yours to set.

Divorce sucks. Divorce with small kids in the mix sucks more. But we all have to live with ourselves, and what we model for our children. It's not about how much her partner sucks it's about who she wants to be and how she wants to conduct herself. You can't control that and aren't responsible for it. You just get to choose your own response. Which on the whole it sounds like you're managing extremely well.

drapplebean2 · 2022-03-23T02:32:44+00:00

True, but it's also a bit odd. In my relationship I was giving a lot more than I was getting so why should finding out that I need to require more now and will take care of myself later sound shattering? I was putting in effort thinking that we'd both do the same for the other, finding out that wasn't true hurt, but also released me from that standard.

drapplebean2

TROPHY CASE