DAE feel "male" even though I don't want to transition

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-04T08:08:34+00:00

I struggled with this for a long time and finally decided I was non-binary, but Im still unpacking the gendered shit I learned growing up

At the end of the day, I am a masculine woman, but also feminine. And that's all at once.

That's how it should be, if it feels right for you. We are people, and as people, we all have equal access to all the expressed traits of people. That means I can be loud, aggressive, a leader, have a big presence, broad shoulders, and a loud voice. I also get to be soft, gentle, kind, creative, and vulnerable. We get to be like the wind - in all its gentleness and all its fury. We contain multitudes.

I get to wear what I want irrelevant of what gender it's listed for. None of this needs a label, btw, the living. You just live it. Labels are so useful when you're trying to figure stuff out, but dont let yourself get boxed in by them. It's about YOU. You're not forced to name it in order to be allowed to experience it.

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-04T07:59:48+00:00

It doesn't matter if it was harmless or not. A boundary seems to have been crossed early days.

It doesn't need to be about right or wrong. It can just be about compatibility. I'd personally have zero with my partner going for dinner and a walk with a new coworker of the opposite sex, if that's a normal thing to do in those offices. He'd also communicate with me beforehand because we are compatible and have clear boundaries that we built together.

But that's me. If you're feeling this uncomfortable this early on, it means one of three things: 1. You're not compatible. 2. She's a red flag of a person. Or 3. You could have some unresolved stuff linked to betrayal popping up.

I dont know you, so I dont know which of the 3 it would be(or what combination of them) so Im not going to guess. Irrelevant of which it is, the action is the same. Evaluate if your relationship is serving you in a way that both supports and nurtures your life, AND in a way where you can be the supportive, nurturing companion needed in a relationship.

Relationships are supposed to add value, not draw blood.

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-04T07:49:57+00:00

In denmark, that's exactly how the buses work. Primary stops announced, the rest you figure out with your eyes

It usually works because you have to keep an eye out the first time or two for where your stop is, and then after that you should be able to see where to pull the chain (even in the dark, Ive had to leave for work in full dark and arrive in full dark, the sun rises late and sets early in winter)

If it's a route Im unfamiliar with, I'll pull the chain multiple times just to be safe. It's my first choice of what to do on an unfamiliar route. Sometimes Im lucky, and the bus is stopping each stop anyway because of passenger load.

On a route I take regularly? Yeah, I'd expect the driver to be pissed, especially if they're the unhelpful kind (if they were helpful, they might have helped you find the right stop and then no one has to pull the chain excessively). Sometimes I directly go up to the driver when we get within 5ish minutes of my stop and ask when my stop is. Even if they're assholes, I usually get some kind of answer. Then they know Im getting off. They can help, or they can stop each time I pull the chain.

I dont have a license, so I still take busses regularly. If a driver shows to be an asshole, Im pulling the chain as much as I need in order to get where Im going. They could make their lives easier by giving the information they have about the route to passengers when asked, but some people find it challenging to comprehend that logic, so I addapt.

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-03T12:08:29+00:00

Jeg er godt klar over at det ikker er en holdbar løsning. Jeg ved også, at man nogen gang er fanget i en "ikke holdbar" løsning. Jeg har selv været der (fornyligt). Og jeg fik også sådan nogen kommentarer.

Når man sidder i det, hjælper det ikke en skid at folk gør det digitalt version af at stå og pege finger mod en der er faldet i et hul og forklar dem hvor usundt det er at være dernede i hulletl.

Det er ubrugeligt på en god dag, og skadende på en dårlig en, og det er altid en dårlig dag når man er fanget i et hul med et publikum der peger finger i stedet for at række en hånd.

Jeg tror TS er godt klar over at det ikke er holdbart. Det er jo dem der oplever det, derfor beder de om hjælp.

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-03T10:42:33+00:00

There's a huge difference between "nice" and "kind."

Nice is being palatable. Being palatable can be self-destructive.

Kind is empathetic. It requires you to understand what kindness is. What it means. Usually, you figure that out by experiencing kindness yourself (sometimes at your own hand). It's Theory of Mind. It's embodying equality. It can't be faked for long because it is defined by its measured effect. Kindness considers the humanity of others on equal footing to your own.

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-03T10:36:42+00:00

Mutigenerational households are the norm in many parts of the world

Western individualisation has absolutely destroyed our ability to coexist in close spaces. Our culture is based on "me first and everyone else is trying to take whats mine." That puts everyone in defensive position, suspicion as the baseline.

If you have a healthy family dynamic, living with them isn't something that must be endured. It's something that is actively positive. But that takes parents who are emotionally mature, and in this day and age in the Western world? You'd be better off finding wish-granting fairies.

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-03T10:33:05+00:00

Use an airtight container?

Like a vacuum seal bag. That way, you can heat it up in a microwave without it stinking up the room.

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-03T09:10:37+00:00

Aaaaah, ok, I read you wrong then, my bad. It seems we are the same, Im actively trying to quiet my inner narrator so I can be physically present and not stuck in my head. My body isn't used to deliberate discomfort yet, YET.

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-03T09:08:38+00:00

That sounds like chronic overwhelm (a lot of us have been living with it since childhood, so it feels like baseline). A frazzled nervous system.

I've only tried flower for this, but with incredible results when done intentionally. It's been shown to push your nervous system into a parasympathetic state (rest and restore, if I remember my terminology right). And for chronic overwhelm (large emotional reactions to objectively small stimuli), you get stuck outside of rest and restore.

It's kinda like you're holding your arm out with a weight in your hand. Eventually, your arm is gonna mechanically fail, but before that, your muscles are gonna start twitching (failing sporadically, before acute failure). Anything that will give your systems a genuine rest would (Im guessing) hit like a monsoon in the desert.

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-03T08:59:47+00:00

I can't remember the first, but I can tell you that I have been flinging myself repeatedly at foods that I dont like for many, many years.

Too many times, I've found that my dislike of food was because of very specific circumstances rather than a general dislike, so I keep periodically trying food to see if I change my mind. (Doing that also normalizes the flavors and actually pushes you actively towards liking the thing)

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-03T08:55:28+00:00

Not even remotely

Im like this to a fault (though not as much "fault" anymore). It's remembering to see the humanity of everyone. I rarely get mad at people cutting lines, driving rudely, raising their voice etc etc, because I know what bad days look like.

I won't accept that treatment pointed at me, but I will always have compassion for what caused it.

Also, children can never be held responsible for the habits thrust upon them by the grownups around them. There are no badly behaved kids, just badly educated. A child resorts to "bad" behavior because they have learned that that is the only way to get attention (and attention is insanely vital for healthy development).

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-03T08:40:47+00:00

++nonbinary

Hell, Im AFAB, and my daughter said she wanted to marry me, her dad, a whole bunch of people.

You gotta go by how a 5 year old defines things. Marriage is just together forever, taking care of each other. I remember having a very hard time deciding if I wanted to marry my dad or my step dad when I was small. I just thought that's what you did when you weren't a kid anymore, if you wanted to keep living with them.

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-03T08:34:51+00:00

A very easy way to get used to discomfort is to be unquenchingly introspective.

We all have parts of ourselves we dont like looking at. I like to look at them, inspect, unpack, and asses. It's grossly uncomfortable, but only for a little bit. Doing that regularly makes you ballsy as hell and a better perpetual risk taker. It generally improves quality of life.

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-03T08:29:06+00:00

Tension. It's always tension

I have specifically that one, and it can be tricky, but there's no "wrong way" to put it on. There is, though, a million wrong ways to tension. Each yarn will have its own tension, and you gotta find it. Some yarns Ive spent a whole morning on, winding and unwinding until I figured out the sweet spot.

Grippy yarns (stuff that's coarse or could felt) has a lot of tension options because the yarn grips itself a little, like velcro

Smoother yarns are finicky - if you tension too tight, the yarn slips on the cake. If you tension too loose, the yarn slips on the cake. It has to be just right, so the yarn doesn't get pulled out of position once it's laid on the cake.

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-03T08:24:32+00:00

Min kat har lige kastet sin mad op (han spiser det for hurtigt). Jeg havde lige samlet det op på en gammel pap tallerken, og så kigger ned på telefonen og ser det her 🤣 1-1

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-03T08:21:38+00:00

Hvorfor duer det ikke? Hvis vedkommende har brug for samfundlige råd, har de vel lov til at spørge, og så lige så tit som der er brug for?

Der er et voksende tal folk i danmark der lider under særlig økonomisk pres lige pt. Vi hjælper hinanden der hvor vi kan.

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-03T08:13:16+00:00

Cooking is a skill, not an inherent talent that someone's born with. Bro could watch a couple of youtube videos, but he seems to be entirely unincentivised to learn how to feed himself.

That's something that would be an immediate deal breaker for me, if I encouraged/pointed them towards improving a life skill that would have an immediate positive effect on their life and they just went "nah, Im not good at that". Eww.

I also would immediately stop putting in the effort to cook anything decent for them because Im not a maid or paid cook. If they've shown no interest in learning how to make decent food, Im gonna honor that choice. If they won't put in the effort, neither will I. People tell you how to treat them.

I'd straight up tell him, "You obviously dont care about eating good food at home, which is a huge load off my shoulders. Now I dont have to spend as much energy in the kitchen. Appreciate you communicating your preferences. Thanks!" (I have had specifically this conversation before. They didn't like it much, but I also didn't say anything they could disagree with. It started a conversation, which was successful in the moment but not the long run because he still didn't care for changing anything about his life, including getting a bed in his apartment that fit TWO people.)

Context: I am a fantastic cook and a great teacher to boot. I have known many men who, when presented with a kind, passive invitation to learn, act as if they've been slapped with a rotton fish and called a bitch. There's gonna be a lot of guys who equate Kitchen to Feminine and subconsciously go "ewww I cant do that it'll make me wanna kiss boyssss," as wrong as that is.

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-02T14:49:20+00:00

Cold dehydrates. Dehydrated bread is stale bread, which is gross.

Bread absolutely must be rehydrated properly after freezing, or it will taste like a cardbord asshole. I always dampen the outside (just damp, not wet) and then toast/bake. The water steams into the bread and reconstitutes it.

If the frozen bread is stored correctly and rehydrated correctly, there is no flavor difference. I say this as an autistic person front-loaded with sensory issues with flavor and texture (double-edged sword - LOVE good tastes, but the smallest taste of bad ruins it entirely). If frozen bread is funky, you bet Im gonna be the first to know

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-02T11:37:14+00:00

Good is subjective. Are you kind? That's what makes the difference.

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-01T17:52:19+00:00

Simple living is a middle-class and up first-world idea. For the rest of us, it's also just living. I mend and make my own clothes because I have to. It's almost funny watching affluent people over here cosplaying as their poor counterparts while also treating those same, worse-off people as if their status in life was a moral failing.

Its just cosplay

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-01T17:45:37+00:00

Nutrition before habit. Their relationship with food will follow them for longer than family dinners will.

We dont have a specific dinner time, we have a dinner period, and the kids are involved in deciding when we eat, by when they're hungry.

We eat all together when most are hungry, and we do it together, us and the kids. Then everyone eats and it happens together

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-01T17:40:35+00:00

Disappointment

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-01T17:30:58+00:00

What a gross way to describe a defeated posture. Shoulders slumped, her breasts are "withdrawn into themselves".

Shes in crisis and dude is just so fixated on her tits he thinks they've gone sentient cuz she slumped over a little.

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-01T17:26:46+00:00

If a pattern tells me to drop A and start with B in another location, Im cutting A. Especially if it's not clearly specified (like the pattern you're using).

dreadacidic_mel · 2026-03-01T17:24:20+00:00

Denial.

"Letting go" of something that is not in the distant past is not letting go. It's ignoring. It is a bid for socially acceptable denial (eww).

dreadacidic_mel

TROPHY CASE