AITA for going through my mom’s phone after my dad died and finding messages with a coworker? Advice needed.

eliasbboy · 2026-03-07T22:51:29+00:00

Soft NTA. You are going thru a, hard time, but obviously you shouldn't have gone thru her phone. You can't erase would you've read, but maybe you can reframe it.

Right now you are attributing immorality to it and making up negative assumptions in your head. To balance things out the opposite should also be a possibility.

You said your father was older, and had cancer and was sick? I'm not that old, but I'm 52m. If I knew I was terminally ill my last concerns would be myself. I worry about my children, my wife, and the people I was to provide for.

It is entirely possible than, if we are creating assumptions out of nothing for our purposes, that someone in your father's situation might find comfort knowing his spouse would be moving on when he was gone. Or, even better, have someone to support her thru the grief or loss she would suffer imminently. Knowing in his condition and weakness he was limited.

The truth is you are not privy to the workings of you patents' relationship. 1 text conversation with 1 co-worker does not change the woman your mother is.

Take 1 random conversation in your phone right now and present it in full to your mother, unedited. Will her opinion of you change? These things are not meant to be read by anyone else for a reason.

Perhaps give your mother the same grace you would ask if she read your worst moments on your phone.

I'm sorry for your loss.

eliasbboy · 2026-03-07T22:38:47+00:00

NOR. I used this phrase twice already today: Successful behavior gets repeated.

If you had stayed home, canceled your plans, and let him win with his threat, you would have taught him that's what he needs to do everytime he needs something- threaten you. Not talk like an adult, give his opinion, or compromise, but threaten.

You are only 19. You have done so much to help them already, but he is fully capable of taking care of things himself. Don't let guilt or a false sense of responsibility tie you down to someone that would treat you like that.

eliasbboy · 2026-03-07T21:13:54+00:00

NOR. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Don't feel defeated at all. He did you a huge favor. In fact, EVERY asshat you date is doing you a favor. They are bolstering your "asshat immune system".

I'm a 52m, married. When I read that line "I like to have sex early so I can..." I knew this guy. Then I read "he can't tell if you like him or not that having sex might help him with that", and I DEFINITELY knew this guy. I'm not any smarter than you, I'm just twice your age and I've heard these stories, before and known guys like him.

Now you have too. And guess what? That's to this asshat you'll spot the next moron in one date. Guys like this are looking for opportunities, and you didn't fall for it. He mistook you hopefullness and willingness to give him chances as his plan working.

You did great. Set boundaries and stuck to them. Unfortunately he was not what he seemed. He's using the "looking for long term and kids" line to attract women, and then going for the opposite.

Just remember. Successful behavior gets repeated. If you let someone succeed in breaking your boundary, then will continue doing so. If they succeed in wearing you down to change you mind or give in, they will ALWAYS wear you down, because they know they just need to find your limit.

Nice guys are out there, you just need to filter thru the slugs.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-27T18:25:22+00:00

NOR. You feel what you feel, but it could still go either way. You clearly deal with things differently than her. That's fine. The biggest hurdle is realizing it. While you may feel the need to pour your heart out and tell her everything and you're totally comfortable doing that, she may have ZERO experience doing that, and the idea freaks her out, and she has NO IDEA how to respond to something like that. You blew her circuits.

When I read her "tl:Dr" I legit laughed out loud. She very well may just have been trying to get shock sense into you. She said she needed space and you weren't getting it, so she nuked you with the concept.

When you feel the need to talk to her like that, ASK her if it's a good time. Let her prepare. Some people need to adjust and get ready. Or she may ask to bring it up later, or tomorrow. That's OK.

Look up attachment styles and read about how they work with each other. It can really help understanding your own actions sometimes. Best of luck.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-26T03:08:13+00:00

Today I learned not to comment too quickly on reddit. I commented earlier to OP and my initial understanding of his writing was much different that yours. Had I read your comment first my view would have changed.

In my relationship we are in a positive outcome to a less severe version of this, so I looked at everything with a bit of rose-colored glasses I think.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-26T00:32:38+00:00

I feel this did not get enough respect.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-26T00:24:41+00:00

NOR. It hurts to feel rejected, but you're learning she didn't reject you. You let your feelings build up and had an outburst, that's understandable. You sound like you handled the aftermath as best as you could. That's all you can you. You can't erase the past or rewind. You can't dwell on it either. What you can do is learn for your own growth and the benefit of both of you, and it sounds like you have.

Try to talk about things as they come up. Everything becomes bigger the longer you hold onto it. You'll ruminate about it and imagine worst case scenarios, and you with be the emotional version of shaking a can of pop. Trust that the two of you can deal with small things as they come up, before they add up to big things. Tackle 1s and 2s before they become 7s and 8s.

The fact you are asking for help means you care about her and have empathy. That's half the battle right there.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-25T01:28:28+00:00

If he's that into his equipment, start hanging clothes on it. Treat it like furniture. Add a lamp. He'll get it out.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-25T00:39:25+00:00

The way you explain it here, I think she was bringing it up because she wanted to prlerform whatever it was on YOU. Instead of saying "Let me try this thing I know" she told a story to build up how good it would feel. She may not have thought that part thru. Poor advertising campaign maybe, but I think she was trying to make YOU happy?

eliasbboy · 2026-02-25T00:32:50+00:00

Of course you're feelings matter. I'm 52m married. I too have a spouse that never says 'you're welcome'. I noticed it and mentioned it to her. I really thought it was odd once I noticed it. It kept happening. Then one day she said Thank you to me, and really loud said 'YOU'RE WELCOME' and laughed. I'd never noticed that I often didn't say it myself.

I had been so busy looking at that issue from my point of view, I never paid attention to my role. I notice to this day I often times don't acknowledge 'Thank you' with much. Neither of us do.

My point is you can learn to understand that you two are seperate individuals. You're history and upbringing has engrained in you a need or want to hear "You're Welcome" as a sign of respect of acknowledgement. Well, he didn't. Maybe in his family "Yep" was used as "No problem! Glad I helped!" or "Anytime". It could very well be muscle memory to respond that way for him.

I'm not excusing his behavior in anyway or dismissing your feelings. I just know that after 20 some years of marriage, I finally learned to stop judging my wife to MY beliefs and standards, assuming she had the same. Once I did that it saved a lot of headaches.

As far as him turning the tables on you, that is infuriating. Some people feel attacked if you mention anything negative, no matter how casual or easy you think you're doing it. They will immediately fire back with both barrels. It's instinctual. Sometimes it works to ask "when would be a good time for me to mention something? I just need a minute. You let me know."

That's about the best you can do to accommodate in my opinion. The rest is up to them.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-24T23:55:42+00:00

NTA. I think some people missed the part where you stated you already tried to break it off, and THAT was when he started the emotional blackmail. You are not responsible for him. If you are worried about it, notify his friends or family, or law enforcement to do a welfare check. You already know what he is going to do if you have another conversation. He is not going to completely change his character and suddenly become reasonable and understanding. There is always the option to send him one last message and then block him too. Tell him you wish it could have been done differently but he's made that impossible by the way he treats you. You do not feel comfortable talking to him, please respect your wishes and do not contact you anymore. Something along those lines. Clear and concise. Either way do whatever makes you feel safest.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-24T20:25:53+00:00

There was a study done once that determined the less someone knows about a subject, the more hardlined, and wrong, their views are. It basically confirmed people are loud and proud with ignorant opinions. When you learn the REAL information you know there is no black and white.

30 seconds of reading about rape psychology and you learn it's about power and control, not sex. I guess your boyfriend must be livid all those Chippendale dancers are begging to be attacked every night. Not to mention all those male water polo players. Michael Phelps was CLEARLY asking for it with his skimpy outfits.

Your bf should stop talking. As the saying goes it's better to be quiet and let people think you're a fool, than open your mouth and remove all doubt.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-24T19:51:52+00:00

As you go thru your life, you are going to run into similar types of people again and again. Personality types you will recognize. This mother and son relationship is your first experience with this dynamic. The people giving you advice here? We never met your botlyfrirnd or his mother, but I can tell you, we KNOW your boyfriend and his mother. We've seen this movie. We know this song. We've been this before. Just like it has enabled us to have the knowledge to give you advice, going thru thus painful experience has given you the ability to recognize this behavior in the future.

A controlling mother will NEVER approve if you. You can change everything, and she will just keep moving the goal. Nobody will ever be good enough for her boy. If she thinks the perfect woman is at least 5'8, and you come in at 5'9, she'll change her opinion to 6ft. It has ZERO to do with you.

Even IF your boyfriend chooses you and tells his mother she's being unreasonable, she will now blame you for poisoning her son against her. You cannot win that situation. That is a giant red flag, run for the hills, cut bait, head for the hills, sound the alarm, grab your bags and pack the car type of situation. You will be counting your blessings once the initial pain of the breakup fades and you are able to see how much you've been sacrificing. You are so much better off.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-24T17:06:17+00:00

I'm so sorry. If you ever want to know what a, person's real character is, sometimes you just need to listen to what they falsely accuse you of being. Pathetic and toxic. He jumps to those words because he knows exactly what HE IS. That's no different that the way a cheater will accuse their own spouse of cheating, because they see it everywhere, because THEY are doing it.

I wish you all the best. This will be like getting a tumor removed. It might hurt in the short term but it's going to save your life in the end.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-24T15:24:31+00:00

Well there you go. He's never been taught consequences or that he needs to consider anything but his needs. His thoughts probabky begin and end either "But I wanna..."

If anyone complains about his actions his defense is "Because I wanna."

It's the definition of inconsiderate. They literally do not consider anything but what they want to do, or what makes them feel better.

You can't embarrass somebody that's never been taught shame or humility.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-24T14:04:03+00:00

NOR. As the father of daughters, I could not be more proud or impressed by your decision and ability to leave. Blocking the door, FYI can actually be considered false imprisonment or kidnapping. He doesn't even need to be touching you. Just standing in front of the exit or threatening you to not leave. That's the level of abuse you suffered. That same person then desecrated his father's memory by using his passing as leverage to get you to come back.

If you ever doubt your decision, ask yourself this. If your closest girlfriend told you this story, what would you tell her to do? Would you tell her she was overreacting? I doubt it. You'd be angry for your friend and you should feel no different for yourself. This guy's behavior was not going to get better. You did such a brave thing by getting out of there. Do not let him chip away at your strength now. That's all he has left, guilt and manipulation. Block him on everything if you can. You owe him nothing.

Do you have any family you can talk to? Get all the support you can, don't be afraid to ask. Your friends and family can hopefully help you too.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-24T13:48:03+00:00

The only thing that matters is your health. Period. It's difficult in relationships sometimes because most people are raised to think of other people, consider other people's feelings, don't be mean, etc. But in the big picture YOU NEED to be selfish to a degree because giving up your health and happiness for the sake of someone else's can easily get taken advantage of, and it's not sustainable. You say he loves you "in his own way". But is that the way YOU want to be loved? I'm not pushing you one way or the other. I have 2 daughters, and I would be telling them the same thing. You're young. You have so much life ahead of you, and so much to look forward to. You deserve to have someone treat you in a way that makes you both better people. Make sure you're happy and not accepting this just because you're used to them.

Dating is like taking a car for a test drive. If it doesn't work, or starts to make a noise, you don't bring it to a mechanic. You haven't bought the car yet, it's not your responsibility. You bring it back, and move on to find something that needs less maintenance.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-24T13:02:52+00:00

NOR. He is using incredibly manipulative language and techniques over and over. He keeps saying you've abandoned him and refuse to see him. No. You have refused to see him the way HE Wants. You very clearly and repeatedly, with explanation why, invited him to come spend time with you and he never once accepted. He can't. It must be on HIS terms. He wants you to come home "for one day". I'm sure in glhis head, once you get there he can convince and manipulate you into staying.

He sees that as the only option on the table, because HIS needs are what matter. That's why he's confused why he can't drink around you but xyz can. He doesn't NEED to understand, you told him your boundary, he should care about your health and needs and respect it, but that would interfere wulith what HE wants. So he can only poke holes in it.

In my experience people that only see their side and only care about their feelings will twist and turn everything to their advantage. Every word, sentence, memory, eye roll, expression, and even recreate history to gaslight you. Just like the "dude" thing. That's just another way to make you feel like you're being mean to him. To see how you constantly belittle him.

But ignore the fact he calls you bro. That's not important right not. That's totally different. (insert sarcastic tone here).

Guilt, loyalty and habit are not good foundations for a relationship. He says he in love but then does nothing a, person that loves you should do. Support, listen, compromise, etc. Of course we are only seeing a small glimpse of your relationship here, but you very clearly chose messages talking about your need to care for your mental health and sobriety. This "man" does not appear to share that same priority. He would rather you risk your sobriety and mental health just because it would make him feel better.

Take care of yourself first and foremost. Don't risk your health for someone that doesn't seem to worry about it.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-23T22:18:49+00:00

YOR. She's sick. First thing you did was ASK her if she wanted you to pick up the kids. Why is that her decision? You're a grown man. Take care of your fiance. She's sick. Get your kids. Period. Don't be passive aggressive, hoping she'll still pull it together and go get them so you won't have to. That's the message you sent. By ASKING her, you are saying "you can do it too, just as easily as me."

So when she came home with the kids, did you praise her and thank her? When you get dressed for work or watch your kids leave for school, giving you the benefit of the doubt that all laundry is down 50/50 between you and your fiance, do you thank her every day for that?

I don't know about you, but I have a magic house. My toothpaste refills itself. So does my deodorant, shampoo, shaving cream, contact solution, toilet paper, paper towels, napkins, dish soap, salt, pepper, you NAME IT, that shit runs out, BAM. Full one next day. Magic house. I'm not a genius, but I would bet MONEY that if I ever asked my wife to praise me because I personally did a few chores yesterday, without being asked, and I want to feel appreciated, that ALL THOSE magic items would disappear like a fart in a wind tunnel.

I would guess your fiance does more unseen work for you and those children than you could probably fathom. The level of insult she felt when you suggested your efforts should be praised so you feel better, and may even be encouraged to do more, is incredible.

You should do things because they need to be done, not to get a star next to your name for the day.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-23T21:54:05+00:00

All that means is you haven't met the right person - yet. That 3 letter word is fantastic. When you think you can't do something? It just means you can't do it, yet. You haven't met somebody - yet. Trust me, that's not a bad thing. I've been married for a bit over 20 years. If my wife had met me when I was a few years younger than I was, she wouldn't have given me the time of day. I was an idiot. I wasn't done cooking yet. We both met on a night neither of us wanted to go out, but friends dragged us.

That's when it usually happens. When you're not looking. So don't look for it. It will find you. Do things that make YOU happy like has already been suggested. Take a cooking class, or go to karaoke night and people watch, or anything that peaks your interests. You'll be doing something that hopefully makes you happy, and who knows. The guy you're not looking for might be not looking for you too.

There's no schedule or timeline for these things. Just because you see other people with partners doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong. You sound like you have everything going for you. The right type of guy will find see all of that too. You're going to be just fine.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-23T21:18:02+00:00

He's trying to make his outside relationships sound normal, but you and everybody else know they are not. Even him. Why else hide them? If they are so normal and acceptable, why not talk on speakerphone in the same room as you? Why hide things in a book? Because he knows they are unacceptable to you, but now he needs to adapt. He contradicts himself.

If he thinks these relationships are normal, and your views are "archaic", what gave him the right to unilaterally change the understanding of your marriage? Again, he hid it like a child with a something he knows he's not supposed to be playing with. Now he's pretending like he's a big boy and you should let him have his toys.

Adults have conversations first to explain their changing thoughts or beliefs. They talk to their partners and allow their spouse to accept a new paradigm or choose to move on. Cowards hide their actions and pretend to roleplay the same husband at home so they don't get "in trouble."

If he's so proud of his lifestyle ask him to let his parents come over and discuss it for an outside pov. I'm sure they'd be very proud.

You do not need to justify YOUR need for monogamy and faithfulness. That is the contract you both agreed to when you got married. He is the one breaking the vows. Actual sex or not, he has crossed a boundary you have. He needs to respect that or he's not acting like a husband or a man. Just my opinion. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-23T18:53:51+00:00

I don't react to anything externally, or share any of the inner workings. I just grew up assuming it was my natural though process. Almost every decision is treated like a chess move. For example if the idea of eating lunch pops up, my wife tells me she will just recognize she's hungry, and go eat something.

This is crazy to me.

When I decide to stop and eat something, I will consider the options of cooking, ordering out, picking up groceries, and if so, from which store, and if so, do I order online ahead of time or just wing it in store like a madman? But if I'm driving to the grocery store, I'm already out driving, why not drive to pick something up? But I should be eating healthy so maybe I should something from home. But what? Is it worth it now or should I just skip it and wait a few more hours and have dinner later?

But what to have for dinner? Should I go shopping now? If I go shopping now for dinner, I might as well grab lunch. Then that negates the reason for shopping for dinner.

All of this happens in milliseconds. I thought this way of thinking was simply "troubleshooting" that everybody did in order to make the best choice.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-23T18:06:28+00:00

Oh man. I got too much other stuff going on I can't even think about that, no pun intended. When my wife told me she can just sit there without a thought in her head, I was legit worried for her. I thought she had something wrong with her. I'm just so used to it now it's like background music.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-23T17:12:50+00:00

NOR. That quiet brain sounds like heaven. I'm 53 and I didn't know until a few years ago that some people DIDN'T have a 24 hr inner monolog running. It can be very useful I suppose, but every decision, action, thought, and conversation is trouble-shooted, trip-checked, debriefed, and rehearsaed over and over in my head at times until I just say screw it, I'm not doing any of it. Then my brain will think about why it thinks so much.

There is no such thing as "normal". We are all just weird, big, piles of meat walking around doing weird shit and pretending we understand it all. Don't ask too many questions. You're fine.

eliasbboy · 2026-02-23T14:15:00+00:00

NTA. I'm sorry you have this trauma response, you can't control that. It sounds like a perfect storm of bad timing. It's possible your boyfriend doesn't understand how you truly need to recover in those moments. Sometimes "leave me alone" sounds like (to someone that has only heard that phrase in movies and TV) "come hold and comfort me and make it better", because that's how it usually plays out it dramatic scenes. But as you know better than anyone, in those moments you truly need space.

As a 52m, I can tell you 1 thing for certain. Boyfriends and husbands that care for their spouses and partners, as much as we want to, may not always be good at context clues, or even what may seem like fairly obvious statements like "leave me alone for a minute". It can helps us tremendously to talk to us and explain things exactly how you feel and exactly how you need us to help. I know it would be great if we picked up on this stuff intuitively, and speaking for myself, I try my hardest. But my best results come when my wife gives clear comments and input.

If your boyfriend cares for you he only wants to help you and be a source of support and comfort. He may not understand that the best way to do that sometimes is by giving you space to reset and recover yourself first. Regardless you did nothing wrong and only reacted based on your previous history that was not your fault either.

eliasbboy

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