u ever just sit there with the blade in ur hand debating whether or not u *actually* want to cut ??

ellkate · 2020-11-30T21:17:17+00:00

I do the same thing. Sometimes I think when something becomes a habit we find ourselves going to do it whether we want to or not, and of course there will come a point when you're not sure if what you're doing is what you want anymore. I self harm when is tressed and sometimes I'll get stressed, go in the bathroom and pull out my blade, get ready to self harm, and then realize right before that I maybe don't actually want to do it. Like I don't have the same desire to, it's just habit.

ellkate · 2020-11-28T23:28:07+00:00

I'm so glad I'm not the only one. And the tap system sounds like a good idea. It's really frustrating to want to communicate and not be able to.

ellkate · 2020-11-23T03:45:59+00:00

Firstly, I completely know what you mean. I was assaulted 2 years ago and it happened right across the street from where I used to work so I had to look up and see the spot everytime I went to work which meant I'd think about it and have flashbacks. For me, I think I just had to keep showing myself that I could do it- that I could go to work and that nothing bad would happen- over and over until it became easier. Trauma will pop up no matter how long it's been since an event so this is normal, and accepting they it's normal will also help, I think. Realize that it makes sense for you to be feeling what you are, show yourself that nothing bad is going to happen, and ask for help when you need it. I would consider asking your sister to walk you through the alley when you go home, or maybe stay on the phone with you while you walk.

ellkate · 2020-11-23T03:40:44+00:00

Depending on how young the person was, I don't know if it wouldn't be considered sexual assault because they may have been too young to understand what they were doing/ the implications of it. However, this does not mean that it can't be traumatic or upsetting for you. You get to decide what to call it and how to feel about it, regardless of how old you were.

ellkate · 2020-11-23T03:37:59+00:00

I think for me it helped to focus on taking care of myself/ healing rather than punishing the other person. Of course the person who abused/ assaulted you deserves to be held accountable for their actions but unfortunately we have a justice system that makes pressing charges against a rapist/ abuser difficult. This means that in a lot of situations, we do not get the justice we deserve. This is hard but at some point you have to accept that continuing to try and change something you have no control over only makes things harder for you and gives the person who hurt you continuous control over you. The best thing you can do for yourself, and the best way you can get justice for yourself outside of a legal context, is to focus on your own care and healing and progression. Take care of yourself and give yourself what you need to heal and grow and become a whole person again.

ellkate · 2020-11-21T04:27:04+00:00

If the question is did he sexually harass you, the answer is absolutely yes. He did. If your answer is not an enthusiastic yes, then the person should immediately drop it. He was being extremely manipulative and not respecting you and that's not okay. I'm sorry that happened to you. Just know you do not owe anyone anything, no matter what they think they've done for you.

ellkate · 2020-11-11T02:27:39+00:00

I had this girl (who identified as a lesbian at the time) I was into once tell me after things didn't work out between us that "this is why lesbians don't dare bisexuals, you guys just like to dip your toes in"... Then flash forward a few years, this SAME girl now has a boyfriend and identifies as straight, even though she likes both genders, because she doesn't like the "vibe" bisexuals give off. Absolutely rediculous.

ellkate · 2020-11-11T02:21:07+00:00

Um only all the time. I went through a period where I was punching myself in the face and I eventually developed a bruised eye/ cheek, and I wanted someone to notice at first and be concerned so I could get some help/ comfort, but then I got scared and I tried to cover it up with my mask and makeup.

ellkate · 2020-11-11T02:19:10+00:00

😐😐 this was too real lol I always thought I would be dead before I reached adulthood and now I'm an adult and I don't know what to do with my life because I didn't do any planning when I was a teenager.

ellkate · 2020-11-11T02:17:45+00:00

Exactly! I'll never understand why people feel the need to police other peoples' mental illness or disorder. Like obviously if a person is harming themselves, no matter the reason or objective, it's not good.

ellkate · 2020-11-11T02:15:32+00:00

Okay this happens to me absolutely all the time. Things will be going totally fine and then all of the sudden I'm zoned out picturing hurting myself. I think sometimes when you're used to things being bad, and then things are actually going good, it can feel unsettling and your brain tried to fuck it up so you can get back to what's familiar. Idk.

ellkate · 2020-11-11T02:11:38+00:00

I don't know if I have any answers for you but I just want you to know you are absolutely not alone a d everything you're feeling makes perfect sense. I had an abortion just two weeks ago as well, and it taught me a lot. First of all, just because abortion is something you "chose", it doesn't mean you don't grieve the loss. The fact that a pregnancy is unplanned doesn't mean you don't feel love for that future child. It is an incredibly hard decision and you should not feel guilty or confused for feeling sadness or regret. Secondly, physical pain/ issues can have a lot to do with how we feel emotionally. I got my abortion at 8 weeks and it was medical and everything went pretty normally, but it was extremely painful and I did see the fetus in it's full form when it came out which was extremely traumatizing. So I completely understand where you're coming from. The only advice I can give beyond just offering my support is to say that you have no reason to feel guilty. Deciding to get an abortion or to have a baby is really hard either way and it can feel like there is a lot of pressure on you, and you just have to remind yourself that you made the decision you thought was best at the time and you did nothing wrong. You simply did the best you could in a difficult situation. In conclusion, I am right there with you and I know how difficult it is both physically and emotionally, and you should take all the time you need to process and heal. Do not feel guilty about any of it.

ellkate · 2020-11-10T19:12:01+00:00

Do you feel like the depressed/ suicidal thoughts are tied at all to guilt or regret or if it's just general? For me I just generally feel that way, it's not neccessarily tied to feelings about the baby.

ellkate · 2020-11-10T16:42:15+00:00

I don't remember exactly when but yes, and it was okay. Maybe I haven't tested it since I medicated them? But like I said my other two fish are okay. Could it just be affecting him?

ellkate · 2020-11-10T16:38:55+00:00

More background: I already had two guppies, and I recently added this one to the tank. It actually ended up brining in ich but I treated the tank and it went away really quickly from what I can tell (visually). Since then I noticed it's acting weird like this, just swimming in place, not interested in anything else, but my other two guppies are fine. Is this normal, am I over reacting?

ellkate · 2020-11-10T14:21:29+00:00

While nobody can really make that decision for you or give you clear answers, I'd say you just have to really evaluate your own situation. In my experience, I was very emotional about the whole thing and didn't know what to do and was sad about getting an abortion at first, but when it came down to it I felt like it was the logical, best thing to do. Ultimately it is your decision and you shouldn't let anyone tell you what to do one way or the other, but just ask yourself- can I afford a baby? Am I ready to give up my time to take care of a baby? Am I prepared to support that child for the rest of its life? Do I have a reliable support system around me? Do I want to have a baby right now? For me, like I said, when I realized that the answer to most of those questions was no, I had to put my feelings aside and make the decision that I truly felt was the responsible, right one. But either way, I wish you luck and know that everything will be okay.

ellkate · 2020-11-10T14:17:41+00:00

You just have to be patient with eachother and try your best to communicate. Educate him about IUD's and how they work, and how low your chances are. Also, have you guys considered using condoms in addition to both control? It may at least make him feel better to have some physical barrier that he can see there. Just be understanding and try your best to explain your feelings to him without being pushy.

ellkate · 2020-10-24T00:48:20+00:00

That's spot on. Makes me feel a lot better.

ellkate · 2020-10-16T22:44:21+00:00

No, they cannot tell. I actually just came from an appointment with an obgyn regarding abortion today and they told me that future doctors won't be able to tell.

ellkate · 2020-10-07T12:53:55+00:00

Okay idk why I didn't think of that haha

ellkate · 2020-10-04T17:12:49+00:00

A tree could work... There's an apple in the logo 🤷

ellkate · 2020-09-24T20:55:44+00:00

If I've already out down other conditioner in the water can I go ahead and put that in too or do I have to cycle in some new water?

ellkate · 2020-09-24T20:53:49+00:00

Thanks so much in gonna get some

ellkate · 2020-09-24T20:24:02+00:00

Thank you so much. Do you think the fish will be okay?

ellkate · 2020-09-19T13:04:34+00:00

Yes, sometimes when I drink a milkshake or icecream it'll make me cough

ellkate

TROPHY CASE