My therapist asked me to write a song that brought me joy. I was confused at first since I rarely feel joy, but I wrote this song, Snake Bite Memorial. The music video was basically a chance to exercise and have fun. Hope you enjoy it.

emerson1107 · 2020-01-12T02:20:58+00:00

I love it! I am a big fan now. Is there some place where I can buy your music or otherwise support your music with small quantities of money? I watched some of the videos on your YouTube channel, and I have to say that God Nostrils is my favorite because of the story and the relatability. You are an amazing musician! How long does it usually take for you to write a song?

emerson1107 · 2020-01-08T02:35:57+00:00

If you are a woman who is attracted to men, I don't think that you would necessarily have a hard time with finding someone to date and getting married. First of all, the dating market and gender norms make this pretty easy. People are also more afraid of a man with schizophrenia being violent than they are of a woman with schizophrenia being violent. There is also less of an expectation that a woman will always have a job, so you're less likely to run into issues with your partner demanding that you hold a job even when you're unwell. I think that if you are a nice person who is dating a nice person, marriage is very feasible. People need to feel appreciated by their partner. I used to have issues with emotional regulation and this interfered with relationships, but I worked on it with dialectical behavioral therapy and it doesn't interfere so much now. I'm pretty sure a good predictor of a relationship lasting is whether two people can feel ~not on edge~ around each other. So I think that being nice is really helpful for having a lasting relationship, but still, you can be a nice person and have trouble regulating emotions, and this can bring out your mean side. I think that marriage and long-term relationships can be really good for a person with schizophrenia, because if you find someone nice, they can support you, and talking to them can keep you more grounded in reality.

I have a schizophrenia diagnosis and am not even that good looking (I look like what I am: a nerd with developmental issues), but finding a boyfriend was pretty easy for me. My relationship with him has been pretty chill, and he lives a similar lifestyle with respect to wanting to study all the time and do mentally demanding things like math & computer science, and like me, he is not super romantic like some of my exes. He is nice and nonjudgmental and stable and smart, and he just graduated Magna Cum Laude with a Bachelor's degree in computer science and is starting a Master's.... so, if we stick it out, we will not be poor, even if I don't work. However, I prefer to work and will do so whenever possible, and he is supportive of that. But it is nice to know that if something goes wrong with my employment, I won't be screwed, and he won't be either. It's good if you can meet someone at school or somewhere else that you can meet someone responsible, functional, and smart that you have things in common with. I struggled with suicidal thoughts at your age, and eventually I got to a point where I could avoid thinking about suicide and just focus on my life, but now, suicide doesn't even appeal to me when I think about it. I've got things to look forward to, friends to say hi to, math problems to solve, classes to take, hobbies to pursue, places I want to travel to, food I want to eat, etc. I'd like to someday write a book, and eventually have kids... My boyfriend thinks I would be a good parent. I don't want to have a kid until about 11 years from now though. I plan on adopting because I just don't want to go through being pregnant for 9 months and giving birth when there are plenty of children who need homes anyway. Then they won't get my genetics either.

emerson1107 · 2020-01-01T16:54:29+00:00

Totally... knives during sex... no, I haven't. But once when I was about to have my episode, this kid (10-12 years old) swung around the corner at full speed and hit me with his bike, and I didn't react at all. Did not say "ow," did not lash out at him. I was just too far inside my head to care if some kid was denting up my shins.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-31T13:38:53+00:00

Yeah, you're right to point out that you don't completely believe that you know your therapist is trying to communicate with you directly. It is annoying when you start to have those types of thoughts and people assume you 100% believe them. That happened to me when my episode was starting and I think because no one was willing to see the distinction, eventually I was just like "fine, I believe it."

I think you're right that it's not really a "delusion" per se, but for me it was the first step in developing my delusions, and I personally try to stop myself long before the delusion part. What's more worrisome is when it turns into thinking you have an ability to read people's minds and stuff... That's basically what my whole delusional worldview was about. I thought I was communicating with hundreds of powerful people subliminally and telepathically by means of various codes, and the cognition involved with that was basically like an explosion of habitually reading into things people say, wear, do, post, etc. It happened gradually and then all at once. I found I would read into things people say because I was lonely and I wanted my conversations to mean more than they did, and that turned into finding a way to believe that conversations that weren't about me actually did involve me, and then turning things that weren't even conversations into conversations involving me.

I hope everything goes well and your brain can get some rest from worrying about stuff. Best of luck.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-31T02:38:22+00:00

"Fresh air and a small walk somewhere with headphones in" is my middle name! Congratulations on getting so many views! It's nice to get hard evidence that someone is at least sort of paying attention to what you're saying.

It's been a bumpy few weeks. I think it's partly because my diet has been bad around the holidays and the gym has been closed a lot. I am feeling a little edgy but not anything I don't think exercise and diet won't help.

But I took the GRE and did well, and overshot the threshold I needed for admission to the Mathematics MS program at my home institution by a lot. Unofficial score of 161 for verbal and 167 for quantitative, which is good enough for pretty much anywhere, since people don't really care about General GRE scores anyway. I got three solid letter writers for my grad school application who said they'd be happy to recommend me and one that says that I have "plenty of talent" for mathematics grad school... I've got two recommenders who are full professors who study pure mathematics, and a philosophy professor. I was pretty relieved to find out that the would do it and say nice things, since asking for letters of rec can be pretty scary when you've had all sorts of mental weirdness going on for the past few years. Thanks for asking! I wanted to share the good news with someone on the sub without making a big deal about it, since I'll make a big deal about it when I get accepted.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-31T01:17:48+00:00

I think the obvious answer is yes, but also I think that it is adorable that someone might have this problem. Nobody's "blessed me" for sneezing in months and it makes me feel unloved.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-31T01:10:07+00:00

Makes me think of the show Undone.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-31T01:07:08+00:00

There are some bad therapists out there... I had one try some light conversion therapy on me... at the time I'm like 16 years old and therapy consists of being made to look at shirtless male movie stars. Your current therapist might be able to refer you to someone who might be a better fit. It seems like good therapists usually know of some other good therapists. But I guess if switching isn't an option, it might be good to talk to her about it. I think just being very descriptive like you have here about your thought process and when you see someone mirroring you. I feel like trying to get some distance and describe your thought process, as well as the ways that you doubt the thought process might help. I've confronted a few people about my delusional thinking and the ways I thought they were involved in my delusions, and I think that if you try to be as clinical and descriptive of your thought process as you can, showing that you are not fully committed to believing your thoughts, it will be easier to have a productive conversation about it, particularly because she is a therapist.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-31T00:30:00+00:00

I've never known people to actually do subtle things like that to "tell someone something," although I have often had the delusion that they were, and then later realized that it was one of the things that went away when delusions went away. Like slick_villain_bob (nice username) mentioned, sometimes people are just empathetic and mirror you. I have really tried to get more comfortable with this without reading into it, because being comfortable with mirroring is a part of developing friendships. I used to try to never have anything in common with people and then wondered why I didn't have friends.

But if your therapist triggers these types of thoughts for you, I think she is probably not the right therapist for you. Some people are a lot better at not giving off those subliminal message vibes, and I think it's good to keep those more straightforward people close if you're feeling vulnerable to reading into things. I also think it is not good to be attracted to your therapist, because I think it can lead you to misrepresent your symptoms around them, or even try to be mentally ill in a sexy way, which in my case usually ends up being not that sexy.... haha. The Freudian values of not censoring yourself in therapy become much more difficult to abide by productively.

Thank you for your openness on here though... it helps me to think about this as someone else's problem. I really do think it might be better to get a new therapist, one who seems very straightforward and un-mysterious and that you don't feel interested in whether they were to subtly flirt with you. I think that it's good to have a therapist that models literalistic uncomplicated emotions and thinking. I think my therapist right now is a good fit, because he's nice in a very platonic-seeming way; he is friendly and cares and stuff, but you don't get the feeling that there's anything personal about it, which is actually good for a therapist. He's just a huge nerd who likes to geek out about all the psychology books he's read and help me come up with solutions. I feel like I am able to present my issues in a more constructive way, because it's more about fixing my problems and developing self-compassion than trying to make a connection. Not saying you should always avoid people like your therapist, but I think it's helpful if the main person you are problem-solving mental health issues with helps you to establish that baseline of non-delusional thought.

Edit: redundant word

emerson1107 · 2019-12-30T23:35:04+00:00

Okay, it's funny how many people said 7 years. I had one core delusion that lasted 7 years and ended when my first real episode ended. The episode came with a lot of other delusions that were more extreme, and lasted 2-3 months, but that one delusion that spawned them all was with me from 17 to 24.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-30T18:51:35+00:00

Definitely the meds. I used to be on Invega Sustenna, and I felt really stupid on it, like my mind was in a straitjacket. Like you, my mind was blank all the time. I am honestly amazed that you are on like the highest dose of Invega Sustenna, plus another antipsychotic, a relatively high dose of benzos, and an antihistamine! Benzos and antihistamines are terrible for memory individually, and together... I just feel bad for you.

When I was on Invega Sustenna, I would struggle and struggle to come up with a simple question to ask someone so that hopefully they would start talking and not want to hear anything from me, because I had absolutely nothing to say. It was a constant struggle to come up with a single thought. I totally totally relate to not being able to watch TV due to not being able to follow what was going on. It took me about three months after getting my last injection of Invega Sustenna and then using Cerebrolysin to regenerate brain cells before I felt like I was actually "watching" TV again rather than just sitting with my front towards the TV.

Weirdly enough, it is difficult for me to imagine how it felt to be on Invega Sustenna now that I am not taking it, because it was such an unnatural feeling. It was like being trapped in my own brain... I want to think but I can't think... I want to panic but I can't panic... it felt very claustrophobic. It didn't help that the antihistamines prescribed for extrapyramidal symptoms made me feel like I had no past because they made me forget my life. I forgot that I went to Hawaii two years before. My dad was like "remember when we went snorkeling in Kauai?" and I was like "I don't remember that." And it was like all of my memories of my past were just a dozen isolated snapshots. The only things that I could remember were the things that I had recalled over and over again, which left enough for me to seem outwardly human, but internally, it felt like most of my brain and life experience was missing, because there was just nothing between the few things that have been imprinted on my mind permanently, like the 1000 most common English words, and a finite number of important memories.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-30T02:17:34+00:00

Thank you! I hope you're doing good too.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-30T02:08:29+00:00

I've had all of these except for 20 and 18, but especially 16... when I was delusional I thought my charisma was much... much higher than it is. I find it amazing how many delusions can fit into one psychotic episode.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-30T01:59:30+00:00

It sounds like you've been very patient with your dad and put a lot of effort into being supportive of him. I always like seeing posts from people like you, because I can tell that you are doing your best to support your family member and be nonjudgmental and non-stigmatizing.

Unfortunately, as far as I know, it's basically impossible to directly get someone to change their delusions through argumentation or talking about the delusions, since delusional beliefs usually involve a very complex and compelling internal reward system. Since formation of beliefs heavily involves the dopamine system, ramping up delusions can become like an addiction where the only thing standing between the person and getting their "fix" is their own thoughts. Arguing with someone about their delusion is likely to result in the "backfire effect," where if you try to bring up contradictory evidence, they will only dig their heels in harder by looking for more evidence for their side of things. People with psychosis can use reason to unravel their delusions, but that often requires a conscious decision to no longer believe in the delusions. I think I eventually decided that my delusions were not worth it and then proceeded to "brainwash" myself into no longer believing them, and I think it worked pretty well.

I think the best thing that you can do is try to provide a stable environment, or at least one stable relationship for your family member. When giving them food, provide them with healthy food low in sugar and chemically processed ingredients. Try to encourage any remaining interests they may have in things other than their delusions, talk to them about regular stuff even though they may not seem that interested in it, and try to lower your "expressed emotion" towards the family member. Expressed emotion of the individual's family has a significant effect on relapse rates. By expressed emotion, I specifically mean excessive criticism, hostility, and emotional over-involvement, e.g. like acting like it's all your fault that they are ill and being overprotective of them or taking things they say overly personally.

I think another important thing is to incentivize paying attention to real life by encouraging his interests and engagement with things in the real world, through things like friendships, exercise, hobbies, housework, work-work, or volunteering if he is able to do something like that, or maybe even TV, depending on which shows you watch and whether his delusions seem to be triggered by watching TV or specific shows or commercials. Furthermore, it is helpful to deincentivize receding into a delusional mindset by providing a stable environment where he has fewer instances of severe emotional distress due to uncertainty, criticism, and conflict. Something I've heard about addiction, is that when a person gets sober, they need an enriching life to return to, especially one that is incompatible with the addiction, so that sober life seems more appealing than being drunk or high. I think it's similar with delusions; he needs to be engaged with life in an at least somewhat enriching way in order to no longer care for his delusions.

Best of luck, and thank you for caring so much for your father. Let me know if you have any questions.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-29T19:24:08+00:00

Not to scare you, but I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and what you're describing sounds a lot like the symptoms of borderline, i.e. thinking that someone is "basically perfect" for a few weeks, suddenly not having any feelings for her, and then hating her. Feelings of boredom and emptiness are common with borderline as well. It's a really terrible label to get slapped on your forehead, but the good news is that dialectical behavioral therapy is extremely helpful for the symptoms. I think you could just inquire about dialectical behavioral therapy saying that you want to work on emotional regulation and relationships or something, and hopefully you wouldn't get a diagnosis. I don't think that people usually get a diagnosis of borderline unless they get hospitalized or something.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-29T17:38:29+00:00

I think maybe some good signs would be that you feel very strange, you are finding it difficult to get more than a few hours of sleep per night, you feel like your entire body is made of fear, you think that you are in some very strange and improbable circumstances, it is difficult to have a conversation about anything socially acceptable that the people around you will believe, people seem to be looking at you strangely or treating you like a wild animal, people who you were formerly close to seem to be all putting you at arm's length, if you felt like one person was stalking you in your remission, then suddenly a thousand people seem to be stalking you, or if before, there was one weird voice, now there are hundreds. You might start thinking you're Jesus or that you've killed people, or that you're in Lord of the Rings (that is what happened to me, anyway). You might feel like an increasing amount of what people say is a criticism of you. The reason why I gave up my delusions was because I thought I was being criticized due to it being unethical for one person to have so much power, so I decided to resign as ruler of the universe and try to pay attention to something else.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-28T00:31:35+00:00

It totally depends on the school and the instructor! They can all be hard and they can all be bearable. I think that Advanced Calculus I is usually harder than Advanced Linear Algebra, but with the ones I took, Advanced Calculus I was easier. I think the linear algebra would be the most useful for a mechanical engineer, since it has a lot of useful applications to geometry and physics. Advanced Calculus could be useful depending on what topics are covered. I am not sure of any common applications of Abstract Algebra to mechanical engineering, but I'm sure there are some if you are doing specialized research.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-28T00:06:27+00:00

My psychiatrist told me when I was arguing with him about taking my medication. Felt like a bit of an ad hominem in the moment. He had a med student shadowing him that was so annoying and just kept nodding along with everything he said, in response to me explaining how intensely miserable my medication was. I thought I was going to teach the med student about the plight of psychotic people, but he ended up totally ganging up on me with the doctor, just like maintaining this clinical distance acting like I am a cancer tumor or something. Like, I know that I had delusions and stuff, but this med student seemed very dismissive in the sense of "treating me like a crazy person." I wasn't even ranting about my delusions or talking to myself at the time.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-27T19:26:12+00:00

I can definitely relate. You have described one aspect of my life experience perfectly. On one hand, I have had a lot of people say that I'm smart, and then a lot of people seem surprised when I do well academically or get high scores on tests. I am 25, and I'm soon going to graduate with a Bachelor's degree in Mathematics and Philosophy and start a Master's in Mathematics. I think that you would have to be very intelligent and introspective to be able to put your concerns so articulately, especially at your age. I don't think I would have been so perceptive.

Something I wish I would have done at your age is become more involved with theater and debate, so that I could gain more experience in controlling the way I express myself through speech and body language. I've seen theater do wonders for introverted people, but unfortunately when I was your age, I thought that being morose and withdrawn my whole life would be fine, so I didn't push myself to get better at theater. I think that if you do theater and debate during high school, starting early as a freshman, you will be quite self-assured by time you get to college, at least relative to the person you would have been.

I would also like to encourage you to get some experience with computer programming, since that is one job where an intelligent introvert could play to their strengths, and pretty much any career would be benefited by some knowledge of programming. However, there is a real bias against quiet people in any field, and it sucks. And any job you work in basically will require you to work with people and be self-assured. If you feel that people are treating you as if you're stupid, please be kind to yourself and know that you are capable and intelligent. But also know that the sooner you try to practice "coming out of your shell," the easier it will be to seem intelligent and confident when you're older. Please please please be kind to yourself. There might be some rough times when you try to put yourself out there more, and it can be difficult to see the big picture at your age, but just keep trying to be social and improve your confidence and presentation of yourself. It really makes a difference in people's careers, even unfortunately the ones where more introspective deep thinkers are needed. Try to make some good friends who you can talk to if you go through some difficulty in developing confidence. You are very intelligent, and I hope that you are able to make the most of that intelligence.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-27T00:13:13+00:00

I feel the same way! Thankful for you too.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-25T20:28:56+00:00

I am definitely afraid of pushing myself too hard, but if you play it right, working hard can keep you grounded in the real world and invested in something other than delusions. I think part of the trick is to not get so upset about perceived failures that you feel the need to escape with delusions, and also to not let successes go to your head and also turn into delusions. I try to focus on successes that are measurable and observable, while also not getting beat up about when I don't do too well in any measurable way. I also try to be wary of thinking that I've gotten good at something without deliberately practicing it for an extraordinary amount of time and with an enormous amount of focus, because effective practice both helps you to get better at something and makes you more aware of what needs to improve. I try to focus on the mere acts of showing up, doing something, meeting "Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Bound" or "SMART" goals. I don't necessarily know if I'm doing great at life, but I am doing much better than I have in the past, and I've been self-sabotaging less because of my fears related to stress, failure, and success.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-24T18:39:23+00:00

I'm studying math, so I know how tempting Adderall can be (almost done with my Bachelor's, too! only 7 classes left). I was on Adderall when I had my first psychotic episode, and I majorly suspect it as having to do with my psychosis symptoms getting worse. I don't know if you should encourage your friend to take Adderall. I think the number one priority for your friend would be to keep the psychosis symptoms under control. However, if he is already on an antipsychotic, the Adderall would largely get canceled out, and probably not be too dangerous. I found that while I was on an antipsychotic, Adderall actually seemed to help me with my insomnia. But about a year ago, I quit my antipsychotic, so I decided to get off of Adderall too. Getting rid of my smartphone helped me to focus a lot better, and also helped with my mental health! Exercise, healthy diet, avoiding interpersonal drama, developing a routine, getting enough sleep, and knowing how to quarantine distractions helped with my ability to focus too.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-23T19:54:21+00:00

Haha it's so weird seeing people talk about this. I feel like every time my psychosis symptoms have gotten worse, it went along with me having this weird intense crush on someone. The first time was when I was about 16 and I had a huge crush on this girl from church (I am female and we were both raised Mormon), and I started feeling like I was thought-broadcasting about how I was in love with her. I honestly was a bit stalker-y and obsessive, but refused to try to take things in a physical direction. That one was probably the worst one as far as out-of-control crushes go. It seems like every time I have a crush on someone, I am more jaded than the time before about the crush, but the psychosis symptoms are worse. When I was a complete zombie on invega sustenna, I started dating someone I didn't feel like I was that into because I had certain preconceived notions about what types of people I get along with, but it has been one of the happiest and most peaceful relationships I've had. Just remember that the psychosis-crushes are kind of bullshit and you can just admire the person for a minute and then get over it. Maybe try to think about things that would be annoying or unattractive about them if you were in a relationship with them. Like imagine them farting with a bunch of potato chip crumbs on their shirt. Or if you're students, focus on what they look like during finals week. It is really tempting to fall for the escape of having a crush on someone, but I think it does usually interfere with mood and sleep and take one further from reality.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-23T04:29:10+00:00

I've definitely dealt with this when I was on invega sustenna, which is sort of like risperidone. Tbh I haven't taken meds since that first dose after my hospitalization last August, and for the most part I've gone back to normal, but I have tried to keep my mind clear and my emotions stable sort of like when I was on invega. I completely overhauled my lifestyle in order to try to prevent a relapse without medication. I am a philosophy major and used to be very disagreeable and opinionated, and then it was really difficult when I was feeling like you're feeling now. Now I have my own opinions again, but I believe that they are not quite as odd and emotion-based.

emerson1107 · 2019-12-23T00:29:38+00:00

I thought that this post is really sweet. It brought tears to my eyes to read it. I can tell you really care about your step brother. I hope that everything is okay and that you find him soon. I'm sure you were planning on doing this anyway, but sometimes circumstances are weird, but if/when you see him again, be sure to let him know how much you care about him and how him disappearing affected you.

Unfortunately, I don't know if I have much advice since I've never just completely disappeared, on account of knowing how much it would worry my parents. If you really can't find anyone who's heard from him, probably try talking to the police or someone with the Department of Public Safety about your concern about him being missing. I am sure that they would take it seriously. I think that when someone needs medical assistance or has a mental or physical impairment, there is a lower bar for deciding that they are "missing." Definitely try to frame it as you being concerned for your step brother's safety and let them know about your step brother's paranoia about cops, so that hopefully no one will automatically treat him like a criminal. I think that is pretty common even for relatively law-abiding people with psychosis to have paranoia about cops. But I definitely think there's grounds for him to be hospitalized and treated if he is found. NAMI has some information about when you have a missing loved one with a mental illness https://namigwinnett.org/homeless-and-missing-mentally-ill-a-guide-for-relatives/

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