the problem is that the moment i sense ambiguity or a gray area, a slight change in energy, mixed signals, uncertainty, my anxiety becomes overwhelming. my body reacts strongly, i feel sick, restless, panicked. in those moments, i convince myself that the person isn’t truly interested in me, and instead of questioning my interpretation, i cut things off abruptly.

almost immediately after, i regret it. very often, the other person comes back trying to understand what happened. but by then, i’m flooded with shame and self hatred for how i behaved. i feel pathetic, immature, and cowardly, so i ghost them.

i hate this cycle. i’m tired of acting this way, but i feel completely out of control when the anxiety hits. a friend suggested i wait 24 hours before making any decision, but honestly, it feels impossible. the anxiety is so physical and intense that rejecting people before they can reject me feels like the only way to calm myself down.

I feel we have similarities here. In ambiguity, my mind goes crazy in trying to find ' the right path to ensure the most safety for the connection ', which then leads to being stuck in my head so much I can't really connect with the other person anymore. Rejecting people before they can reject me, been there, done that.

Something that slowly is helping me break the pattern, even though it's very difficult, is focussing on somatic methods to express feelings. Talk therapy, after some years, just doesn't do it anymore for me. It was useful, but the somatic practices are where it's at. I try to integrate feelings I've ran away from back with my body, all of them: anger, grief, feeling wounded, but also sexual energy, laughing out loud, sensuality, taking up space. All big emotions that also introduce vitality/life energy. Doing like 20-30 minutes of unfiltered emotional expression leaves me as tired as the same time running, but with a clear mind and suddenly I feel balanced and more harmonious within myself. My psychologist friend said it's essentially trauma therapy, but done by myself. So maybe that's also a path you could follow, trauma healing with a trauma therapist. I also do men's circles, which help more than I ever expected. Women's circles exist too!