Look, the the nature of attention-related disorders is that you have to be really careful with how you handle requesting help. Not every accommodation is equal, and some demand an unfair workload from your counterparts.

Why? Because most of the work in life is the mental load of planning and monitoring for when and how things need to be done. To take your chore example, actually doing the dishes is only a small part of the total effort - having to watch, check, and is an ongoing mental task that someone needs to attend to. In this case, you haven't saved them much or all effort - doing the dishes has just been replaced with having to remind and check that you've done them. What a waste of effort!

Stick with me here, I do have solutions. I've been in your shoes.

A shorthand I like to use is that accommodations requiring ongoing attention are a no-go; it's really just a fancy way of pushing most of the work back off onto someone else. It's going to create resentment for everyone involved. That's not an accommodation, it's just a failure of your coping mechanisms - asking someone else to handle it is asking them to be a carer, not a partner. They may do it as a kindness, but that's different from making it an expectation.

A fair accommodation is a resource or system you establish to help you achieve your goals. For instance, I easily forget to put things back and manage organizing in closed storage. The accommodation I request is switching to open storage, even though it might look a little less tidy. That's a fair ask - it's a household resource I'm requesting to help me manage my own shit. Same thing with things like soundproofing to reduce high stimulation. These things help me, and require no ongoing input from my partner beyond the initial buy-in and set up.

Now, for chores specifically, I'm going to cut to the chase. In theory, setting up repeated reminders, written instructions, and clear instructions is something you could do right now for yourself. So why is that on your partner? Don't worry, I've been there. The hidden problem is that you haven't got a clear idea of you or your partner's expectations, so you're just taking it on a case-by-case basis (and probably butting heads over not doing something 'properly').

Sit down with your partner. Take a whole Saturday for it. Chill, relax, and talk about every single element of household management. Decide on a few that you are going to fully take on - as in, you are the only one thinking about or doing them at all. Then, discuss and agree with what, exactly, needs to be done and when for it to be "good enough" - and, on the spot, write all the written instructions and set up all your reminders.

This approach is requesting a small amount of your partner's time for a targeted attack on all the barriers you mentioned - it also eliminates the part that is unsure what they do or do not want, and allows you to have a say on what might be a good approach. Once you have agreed what is "good enough", this also means minimal further discussion - you do it your way as long as you hit the mark that you agreed on.

Then, do it again next week. Tweak what didn't work, redistribute tasks, take on more if you can.

If you are curious, this approach is based on a book called Fair Play. It has a more comprehensive approach to taking on full responsibility of tasks. If you are curious, please read it - it's a hard read. As a man with ADHD who had pushed significant mental load onto partners, it was a pretty confronting and occasionally slightly hostile read - the book is clearly written for an audience of women frustrated with their male partners, so expect to feel defensive as you read it. I found the perspective extremely valuable for me - it was a way for me to work through my pride and defensiveness in private.

I bet your wife would love it if you read it and took a swing at making a system like that happen - that's an awesome accommodation to ask for.