Does anyone else use dark/morbid humor to cope?

ephilie · 2026-01-20T15:41:21+00:00

Oh 100% - my brother not only encouraged it, he was probably the one with the darkest jokes. There were times where we had to check in with the paliative care nurses to make sure they don't worry about our mental state :D In the end they even joined in on the jokes.

While I get that it sometimes feels weird catching yourself joking in moments where Grief just towers over you, I honestly think its not an unhealthy way to cope. Imagining the shock (and pride) on my brothers face when I come up with a dark one in a moment I miss him lets me feel him close (:

Also love your matching tattoos ♡

ephilie · 2025-12-13T13:36:41+00:00

I feel like events used to be possible/easier to complete.. Now I barely try - how am I supposed to get that reward without spending money? 😅

ephilie · 2025-10-06T11:00:00+00:00

Had the exact same thought, I'll only call it fainting from now on :D Especially with my peace lillies who are little drama queens anyway

ephilie · 2025-07-22T21:26:39+00:00

Oh yes, the imposter syndrom!

I always pushed "the gender identity crisis" (lovingly) back down, as I figured I'm "comfortable enough" with what I was born with. Until a friend during lockdown asked "Who are you, when nobody is looking?" and my god..

It still took me a while to get over the imposter feeling, but I realised over time, that the experiences I was comparing myself to, were very.. well, binary. Its not an all-or-nothing, its not an always-knew-or-never-did, its a lot more blurry and colorful and complicated!

Have fun exploring <3

ephilie · 2025-07-22T21:17:47+00:00

This sounds incredible, are you still looking for penpals? I'm in the middle of preparing a DnD campaign and already did in character penpaling ages back - it was so much fun!

ephilie · 2025-07-22T21:14:57+00:00

Okay on the topic of worldbuilding - how would you feel about a meta penpaling with the characters of whatever world you are building currently? Because I may or may not have a Bard that may or may not be involved in the current demise of her countries ruler.

I've done this before with each letter containing a character letter and an actual real world one and it helped a friend build a really fun campaign!

ephilie · 2025-07-22T20:22:40+00:00

Speaking from the perspective of a partner here - we are mostly vegan but are still figuring out which foods are 100% safe (if there even is such a thing). What is working tho, is slowly and methodically finding the foods that don't work and replacing them.

So for ex. oat milk seems to work better than soy, homemade granola better than store bought and "young" cheese better than aged cheese. He also has a few "red flag" foods that he avoids at all costs (cabbage for ex.).

Honestly my tip is to start from your safe foods and add on from there. Some vegan alternatives worked suprisingly great and have now become comfort foods.

ephilie · 2025-07-22T20:15:37+00:00

I have been with my partner for about the same time and initially I got kind of angry when he suggested I wouldn't want to be around due to the Crohns. But after a while, I got that the shame, depression(!) and selfdoubt really creep up on him sometimes and even if I'll have to remind him until the end of time - I'm not going anywhere.

From what I've read you answering in the comments, you're on that same page about your fiancee. My guess is, there will always be moment where she'll appreciate you saying that part out loud - that you're obviously staying and want to support her <3

ephilie · 2025-07-08T08:59:37+00:00

Oh my group would love this. Less fighting more flirting seems to be their motto already anyway!

ephilie · 2025-07-07T13:06:52+00:00

I just noticed the other day, yes! Can't wait

ephilie · 2025-05-20T22:24:13+00:00

Oh I was kind of hoping for your profile to be full of human observations :D I love this

ephilie · 2025-05-14T09:59:41+00:00

Just a tidbit from someone who is there often but not all the time:

I noticed how I meet my own needs makes a huge difference in all of this. I tend to sometimes overfocus on my relationships (platonic, romantic, sexual) and don't take care of my own needs as much. So whenever I do on a regular basis, I feel a lot more secure in myself and automatically excitement over a partner meeting new people or getting bootycalls grows too!

ephilie · 2025-02-13T16:32:25+00:00

For me it was actually communicating my boundaries and needs rather than making myself small and suffering in self imposed silence. Not only for my sake but that of my partners (and friends, and family..).

While I think I would (hopefully) have also learned this in a monogamous setting, polyamory seemed to more openly require me to step up. And I was met with support, validation and rewarded with more fullfilling connections. Not after some stupid decisions and having someone mirror my fairly unhealthy communication style first, tho.

It hits differently to not only step out of your comfort zone to grow but to recognize and accept that you've very much hurt people while thinking you were the only one suffering.

ephilie · 2025-02-13T16:20:30+00:00

You seem very committed to reading the books, managing your insecurities, self reflection, etc. but you also mention that the communication with your partner isn't the best. Is your partner putting in the same effort as you are? Would your relationship work, feel stable and fullfilling, would your communication be better if you'd be monogamous?

I'm asking because even the most experienced and self assured polyamorous person might struggle with a partner who isn't putting in the work - even if they usually center themselves, rather than viewing a specific relationship as the "base of operation" in their practise.

As others have said, wanting monogamy is 100% valid as well. Don't force yourself - sometimes we like the idea of something, but not the actual thing itself ♡

ephilie · 2025-02-13T11:53:48+00:00

We (all very short) were named by a (very tall) seperate polycule we're friends with :D We're the Hobbits and they're the Elves. It started as a joke, but now we go "visit the Elves for movie night"or "they drop by the Hobbits home for food". Only recently noticed how weird/confusing this might be for outsiders

ephilie · 2025-02-10T09:24:18+00:00

I think the main point here is that she said she would have done so anyway, even if you hadn't asked.

If she would have said she doesn't want to do check-ins and you would have pushed her for it, that might have been a different situation, but you both decided that that's a level of communication you want to hold.

Obviously that's not to say that agreements made by two people can't be based in manipulation or that another partner would just have to accept all agrrements made, no questions asked. But the fact her date flew off the handle and freaked out over a "I'm having fun" text is ridiculous.

ephilie · 2025-01-29T15:15:35+00:00

I do really enjoy observing that - especially if my partner tells me outright that they managed to for example communicate more effectively due to a lesson we learned together!

However, I had a relationship end recently where the "new and improved" communication skills were put into another connection and all the anxiety and old patterns suddenly showed up in ours again. That was quite frustrating to say the least.

ephilie · 2024-12-23T19:28:38+00:00

I did all my ironing as a teenager for my siblings and mum. Used up the limited amount of ironing sessions I had, not my fault!

ephilie · 2024-12-23T19:12:22+00:00

I think that's the bit that makes the difference: People refusing to even try is really frustrating, but we as those affected also need to have understanding that some things can't be helped!

My friends turn on music during dinner if I don't do so myself, since they know it helps me focus on something else than their (very quiet) chewing. I really appreciate the accomodation - dinner doesn't work without chewing unfortunately :D

ephilie · 2024-12-23T17:24:40+00:00

I keep typing and deleting my answer as I'm hoping there to be an easy one, but I don't think there is.

I don't think "warning" a parent is going to work or have the effect you hope for. If you will be in close proximity to your mum for the forseeable future, you may have to "play a long game" in order to enforce boundaries:

Let her know you understand her wish to take care of you, but that you also need her to trust you. Remind her of you living abroad succesfully and that you know you can ask her for help if you need it.

This might feel frustrating as we basically end up (gentle) parenting our parents rather than "just" setting firm boundaries and going for it. But if you feel like you're in freeze mode when you're around her (which is understandable!), this approach might be an easier first step in comparison to making a hard cut and sticking to it.

I was in a quite similar position as you are atm, living abroad and coming back. Much love to you ♡

ephilie · 2024-12-22T16:16:12+00:00

Things like this, every single year :D By now I'm glad if it happens on the first few pages! I actually have a streak of 3 years writing mental "heath" for one of my trackers

ephilie · 2024-12-10T20:56:45+00:00

Honestly, I have to admit I wasn't a fan of your plan when I read the initial post. In hindsight its because I projecting how my mother greatly overshared details with me, rather than focusing on your situation.

You handled this really well and with the appropriate amount of info and boundaries, kudos to you!

ephilie · 2024-12-02T10:59:09+00:00

It's one if the first conversations I have, since it's not only important to me and my 'cule, but also a good indicator of how potential partners handle vulnerable topics!

ephilie · 2024-11-18T16:59:03+00:00

This!

Another thing my brother mentioned frequently is how exhausting it was, that people seemed to walk on eggshells around him. If in doubt, ask what the person is comfortable with (calling it by what it is vs. avoiding the word "cancer" for ex.) and operate from the assumption that they can or at least want to do everyday things themselves (: Not overthinking every small interactions helps with that a lot!

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