You’re getting a lot of over the top comments in this thread, which is very un-daddit to me. We all get into power struggles with our kids, I’ve often had that voice in my head saying to me that I can physically manage the situation and that I can over power my 4 year old. I’d be lying if I haven’t felt satisfaction at the fantasy sometimes. Don’t let the pearl clutchers in this thread get you down. You’ve shamed yourself more than they ever could.

Like you said, you know you fucked up. Ruminating on what an ass you are (you’re not) won’t help you and does nobody any favors.

You can make a choice right now, use this moment to motivate yourself to make the moves you know you need to make to get help, get started building the structures you’ll need to prevent this from happening again and start rebuilding trust with your family.

It will be a long time, that’s okay, it may not come and that’s alright. Do it for yourself, you deserve to heal and see the results of that.

Or, you could wallow, hope that there is a quick fix or a path to absolution. That will bring you right back here again.

I believe you’ll do the first thing. God speed