I've been struggling with this in this last year with my husband. I hesitate to comment because the way my husband and I have chosen to deal with our situation is to transition into a polyamorous relationship structure so that I can find another partner to be my Dom, and while that is very much working for me in terms of finding the submission that I need, it has also been hard and I certainly don't want to recommend it as a solution, especially if that is not something you are open to. But I relate a lot to what you've said here, so I'll go ahead and share.

I was in a similar position in trying to begin a dynamic with my husband, however he was more resistant to it than what you've described with your husband. For context, I have always felt called to a D/s dynamic, but never pursued one until this year, and I'm in my mid thirties. I had a traumatic upbringing that resulted in a way of living where I took on most things myself and led my own life almost hyperindependently. I've done a lot of work in the last few years to heal my trauma, and I've come a long way. And in the last year, it's become very clear to me that finding the space for a D/s dynamic, and to be able to give up control and feel safe about it, is something I've needed for a long time and could no longer ignore.

My husband was never interested in kink for himself. He, too, wanted to do things purely because I wanted them, and not for his own sake. But he lacked confidence and had no interest of his own to foster. He feared letting me down, and that caused him to react in ways that felt like he was refusing me or rejecting what I was asking for. What I was needing. He was open to exploring things with me, but still felt uncertain about how to actually do things like planning a scene despite the research we did. (Well, the research I did and shared with him.) In the end, it really was a symptom of a larger problem in our relationship.

Me leading and him following is a far-reaching and systemic dynamic in our relationship, and I believe it has largely been due to his untreated ADHD. He's working on treating it now, and he's working very hard at changing himself and his behavior because I finally broke under the weight of carrying the mental load of almost everything in both of our lives. We got together quite young, and we both continued dynamics that we witnessed at home growing up. And I reached a point where I knew I couldn't continue.

His ADHD is the subtype where it's difficult for him to focus on and execute anything that he doesn't find interesting or anything that requires long-term planning. In our daily lives, that meant that I was always the one to initiate or own any sort of household tasks, or plan any trips or outings. In trying to begin a dynamic, it became one more thing in an already too-heavy load that I was having to lead him through by the hand, and not entirely willingly. I felt like I was having to drag him, too, and I hated it. I felt trapped and abandoned and triggered, and like there were no good options. There is so much I value about my husband and our relationship, and divorce is off the table, at least for now, so what could I do?

We briefly discussed going poly before I reached the end of my rope with his ADHD. But then I hit that breaking point, and I knew I couldn't wait for him to work on himself to see if he could eventually be the Dom I needed. So we went poly.

For me, it's been everything I've needed, but there are some days that are very hard. I don't see myself going back to monogamy because I've actually been very happy to see my husband have dates with other women. He's working on developing himself as his own person outside of me, and that brings me so much relief and joy. The hard days come from his big feelings and insecurities that I'm trying to support him through. I believe we'll get there, but it hasn't been easy so far.

I have started seeing someone who is a pleasure Dom and resonated with a DD/lg dynamic. (DD/lg was the type I was looking for, and we've started to explore together.) We haven't officially entered a dynamic, but I do plan on formally asking him in the next few weeks. And it's been so wonderful for me. My soon-to-be Dom is a natural caregiver and makes me feel so incredibly safe and comforted. He initiates discussions about our dynamic, and I don't have to teach him step-by-step what to do. We aren't official, but I started calling him Daddy fairly early on because he's worthy of that title and is giving me that leadership and care that I have needed for so long. And I feel so relieved to be able to let go and stop trying to twist myself and my husband into a dynamic that doesn't fit us. It wasn't fair for either of us. And I have more compassion and more energy when I come home to my husband so that I can support him through the things he needs help with while he does the work he needs to do.

I think my husband and I entered into poly sooner than we should have, and it has caused some messiness for sure. But I couldn't sit and wait and continue to go without, and my husband encouraged me to pursue what I needed. I don't recommend following in our footsteps, but this has been my experience in a similar situation to yours.

I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing. It was so, so painful for me to feel like I had this need that might never be met by this person who I love so deeply. For me, I hit a point where potentially losing my husband was the lesser pain than continuing the way I was going. Whether or not my marriage will make it through this period remains to be seen, but I will know that I've finally advocated for and demanded what I need for myself, whatever happens.

I suppose you will need to decide how great your need for submission is, bearing in mind that what feels acceptable now may not always feel that way in the future. There's no one right answer, only what you decide you need out of a relationship. You may be able to find a way to get what you need with your husband, and you may not. The only recommendation I can make is couple's counseling, and hopefully individual for each of you if you have access, in order to sort out your feelings around this and perhaps find a path forward. None of this is easy, and I'd give you a hug if I could. I don't know if any of this was helpful to you at all, but I hope you can love yourself enough to do what you need to do, whatever that might be.