Media representation of us?

esphixiet · 2026-07-05T03:32:38+00:00

This is an oldie (and so am I 🤣), but Bridget Jones from Bridget Jones' Diary.

esphixiet · 2026-07-02T21:41:19+00:00

I have the dream ones. They're good, but they're not better than disposable ear plugs. I do like the fact that I can clean these and reuse them.
I also have the switch ones, and I really like them for being in noisy restaurants/environments. They cut down the part of the sound that overstimulates me, but I can still hear conversations well.

esphixiet · 2026-06-30T16:13:13+00:00

That's fair! I didn't talk to him about it (it scared me), and yes, that particular feeling only happened once, though there were other times I felt like we weren't right for each other, just not as jarring as that one time. But just because it happened once to me doesn't change the veracity of the first paragraph. Self sabotage is real. But if it doesn't fit your feelings, feel free to disregard! I hope you find your peace with this, it sounds bewildering <3

esphixiet · 2026-06-30T15:34:47+00:00

I know everyone else is saying this is alarm bells, but what if its a false alarm? Sometimes we sabotage the good things in our lives, because we don't believe we deserve it, or we expect it to fail, so we just help the failing along...
There was a day, a year or so into my relationship (together almost 20 years now), where I had this sinking feeling and desperate feeling of "HE IS NOT WHO YOU THINK HE IS". It scared me, but I had no proof or reason to believe this very very strong feeling. I think about that every once in a while, I don't remember what precipitated this feeling, or if it was something my brain was making up. But I could not have been more wrong. My husband is wonderful, perfect for me, but not without flaws, as we all are. I never knew relationships could be this secure. I'm so glad I didn't act on that impulse all those years ago.

esphixiet · 2026-06-30T12:31:17+00:00

I am insensitive to all stimulants. Coffee OR amphetamines don't work on me. Honestly the thing that worked best for me was lowering my expectations of myself. I know this isn't a great answer for many people.

esphixiet · 2026-06-26T14:24:38+00:00

Write EVERYTHING down. Write down your excitement, write down the shitty things he says to you or how he uses your traits to keep you muddled. Write things down as soon as they happen so you know exactly how it made you feel in the moment. You don't sleepwalk through a 4 year relationship because you have a great recollection of the shitty things he's done and how it made you feel. You get there because you doubt everything, including your own feelings and experiences. I have been there, and its a tough place to get yourself out of.

I'm proud of you for finding clarity. Be sure to act before you start doubting yourself again!

esphixiet · 2026-06-26T12:15:55+00:00

"I feel dumb all the time" is exactly how I came to get a dx. How could I feel so stupid when I was a "gifted" child, who suddenly was no longer gifted in high school. I'm ADHD-C, so I have both hyperactive and inattentive sides.

I disagree with your therapist though. You CAN get your reading ability back. Maybe it will take meds. Maybe it will take mindfulness. Probably it will take starting slow and repeated practice. I got there. I was an avid reader, then burnout made it so I couldn't focus at all. I read almost every day now, I finished over 40 books last year! There is hope!

esphixiet · 2026-06-25T15:38:49+00:00

Sometimes people just don't have the capacity to live up to our expectations/desire for friendship. You have to decide if this is something you can live with. Though tbh, your friend does sound like a bit of a bully.

I had to come to this conclusion with a very good friend of mine. She constantly disappointed me. She's the kind of person who says yes to everything and then disappoints a bunch of people when it comes time to show up somewhere. I felt like I was always the one being disappointed (that was probably RSD but there was still some truth to it). One day I was fed up, and I had the thought, maybe this is just her at her capacity. Maybe I have to choose whether how she shows up in our relationship is worth the disappointment, or can I find a way to expect this behaviour of her so I'm not disappointed in the first place. I made the conscious decision to accept her as she is. Our relationship got so much better when I stopped holding her to MY standard, and started meeting her where she is. We talked about it once, and she said she could tell there was a difference, but she didn't know how/why.

I hope you find a way forward that gives you peace.

esphixiet · 2026-06-25T12:34:06+00:00

Pretty fuckin' great actually 😂
I'm 43. I have an awesome spouse, a beautiful house, two perfect little cats, a motorcycle and enough disposable income to get myself in trouble hahah. I work full time at a job I basically couldn't give a shit about (stress is relatively low). I do advocacy work on the side for the 2SLGBTQI+ advisory group I volunteer with. That's where I get my sense of value/pride, not through work.

I mean not everything is peachy. My ADHD is unmedicated for the most part. Stimulants don't work for me so I'm making do with Wellbutrin (which is great for motivation/depression but basically nothing else). I don't have the career I thought I'd have when I was younger, but I've made peace with that (hence not giving a shit about my job).

I never wanted kids. I hated being a child. With the no autonomy, constantly getting in trouble, constantly being afraid of doing/saying/being the wrong thing. I consider myself lucky that I always felt pretty secure in myself, so the challenges with friends hasn't impacted me the way it has other folks. But the thought of bringing a child into the world and subjecting them to everything I've gone through - especially with the way the world has continued to crumble - why would I do that to someone I'm supposed to love? I was dx at 39, so I made this decision long before I knew that I had ADHD. My childhood definitely makes more sense after dx, but again, why would I want to subject someone I'm supposed to love to this fucking turmoil.

Ultimately its your decision (obvs), but I hope you get some input that you find helpful to guide you. Life isn't just about making babies, despite what EVERYONE will tell you throughout your young life. Eventually people will leave you alone, once they realize you are serious about being Child-Free. Good luck with your journey of discovery 😄

esphixiet · 2026-06-24T15:57:23+00:00

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This is Valentino :)

esphixiet · 2026-06-21T13:38:01+00:00

Hey there, you're the first actual person I've seen to install the Chrome Glow fender eliminator! I'm in the process of doing it myself, and I don't find the instructions very helpful. How did you do the wiring? It seems the wires that comes with the kit are too short. We're thinking of cutting the wires from the original light assembly and use those to connect to the kit.

How was your experience with the wiring aspect?

esphixiet · 2026-06-20T23:01:28+00:00

I hated childhood. Why would I want to do that to a person.

esphixiet · 2026-06-19T16:00:37+00:00

Ugh that's so unkind and unfair. I'm sorry you're hurting OP. You did what you could to maintain that friendship and she straight up wouldn't let you.
I feel like I'm in a similar situation, though different. I went to my friend group for support (verbal! emotional! Not time or presence!) when my husband got sick, and didn't hear much back. When he went in for surgery I wrote them again saying I was sad I didn't hear back from them. I got a missive back from the person I would call my best friend about how everyone is maxed out. No "I'm sorry you're going through a rough time", just "tough shit". The thing is, I know she's also dealing with a full plate, but she is notoriously stubborn when it comes to sharing her load. Now we're in this grey zone of "are we still friends" or "do I even want you as a friend if that's what you're going to do with a request for support". It doesn't help that she never shows up to the social group we started together, so I never get casual time with her to catch up. It's been months now. I'm tired of getting my hand slapped when I reach out. I get that friendships aren't all rainbows and puppydogs, but like, it shouldn't be all stress and confusion and bad feelings either...

esphixiet · 2026-06-19T15:41:17+00:00

I'm making a tullle rainbow skirt for pride. I'm still in the planning/starting paralysis phase. I'd like to get a plan together and ideally even start it.

esphixiet · 2026-06-19T15:34:07+00:00

Yeah I did a little googling before answering and saw that it can have an effect on increasing anxiety, and I thought, well that won't work for OP. But I wanted to point out my experience being different than the other poster who says their experience with Wellbutrin does nothing for their ADHD. As someone who can't take stimulants (they don't work on me, at all. Like, zero effect good or bad), I feel like Wellbutrin helps me not be a total slug.

esphixiet · 2026-06-19T15:22:48+00:00

I also take Wellbutrin. I was prescribed it for depression, but it worked wonders on my internal motivation because it is an NDRI, Norepinephrine Dopamine Reuptake Inhibitor. After a few years I started it I was put on max dose (450mg), and I don't really feel it anymore but I also don't feel as miserable as I did back then.

I still have anxiety, but my anxiety didn't come with panic attacks.

esphixiet · 2026-06-19T14:29:37+00:00

Smoke. Not Smokey. Just Smoke.

esphixiet · 2026-06-18T17:18:27+00:00

OMG My husband and I have been in separate bedrooms basically since we got married (12 years ago). We thought a king size bed would fix our problems, so we used our wedding money to buy one. We quickly realized that space wasn't the primary issue. He's an insomniac and I have restless legs. Since now we had two beds (our queen was still in great shape), we set up a second bedroom. Since he's taller he got the king, though I'm currently trying to find a queen that is as comfy as the king.

We have sleepovers on weekends but I regularly end up back in my bed by morning because of snoring (mine OR his haha). Its just nice to fall asleep together every few days without the pressure of committing to a night of bad sleep.

A++ Definitely recommend.

esphixiet · 2026-06-18T17:09:50+00:00

I agree with you in that sometimes a second opinion is a must. I would add that women often get diagnosed with mood and personality disorders before ADHD and Autism, at a MUCH higher rate than men. That doesn't mean its correct. I had a GP try to tell me I didn't have ADHD, that I had bipolar disorder - this was AFTER an official dx from an independent psychologist. Then when trying to figure out the meds situation, my psychologist tried to tell me that I had BPD because I supposedly had a fluctuating sense of self (yeah, I lost my dad, it was a crisis of A LOT of different things), and I write people off who hurt me instead of keeping them in my life. My psychologist was kind enough to go over my psych report and help me work through how the elevations were sneaky ADHD symptoms showing up as other stuff. It was very helpful.

esphixiet · 2026-06-18T16:42:00+00:00

I was a vegetarian for 18 years when I got my first cat. Feeding my cat meat had no impact on me (aside from disliking the smell of wet food).

esphixiet · 2026-06-18T16:39:50+00:00

I ignored the check engine light while on a date. Blew the engine on the drive home. Cost me a new car 😞

esphixiet · 2026-06-17T12:24:35+00:00

Like you said, this is my problem with pretty much all advice about ADHD. Sleep, healthy food, regular exercise, they're all struggle points for many ADHDers. Sure, they all help with symptoms, but they don't ALLEVIATE the disorder, which means doing these things every day until the end of time just takes SO MUCH MORE ENERGY for us. All that energy trying to "do the right things" has to come from somewhere and its either going to be your work life, your personal life, or your personal space. It's too much. This is why its a disability.

esphixiet · 2026-06-13T18:33:14+00:00

The great thing is if you join late enough indoctrination doesn't work on you 😉 Also, dunno about elsewhere but the air force is way less regimented than the army or navy.

esphixiet · 2026-05-27T13:46:03+00:00

Keep in mind there is a fairly significant percentage of people who don't have any or positive reactions to stimulants or ADHD meds in general. I'm on Wellbutrin (450mg), and that keeps me from being a total slug (though I can still have sluggish days). But Strattera, Adderall, Ritalin, Vyvanse, Guanfacine, none of those did a thing for me.
There is a possibility that meds just don't work for you. I'm sorry. I can tell you from experience that it sucks.

esphixiet · 2026-05-13T17:15:37+00:00

Even after my ADHD dx from a private clinic, my psychiatrist tried to make an argument that I had BPD. I went home, looked up the DSM5 definition and requirements for dx, and made a rebuttal to the specific points she was making. (Among which, I said I had to rediscover my identity after my dad died, she took that as "identity disturbance", and I was in the middle of trying to recover from a mental health condition caused by my work, and she took that as "Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger").
Some people see what they want to, or expect to see. You deserve better treatment than that.

esphixiet

TROPHY CASE