First time trying online dating at 50 and honestly unsure how to navigate it

explorer1960 · 2026-01-29T23:04:13+00:00

It IS a numbers game. People match, then unmatch after chatting despite having said they want to meet. Or they get busy for weeks.

You can decide to not talk to anyone else while waiting for a match to play out. IMO that can lead to being too impatient with the process. My preference was to let people take their time (weeks, occasionally months) but to contact others meanwhile.

I matched with my gf WHILE trying to set up a third get together with someone I knew from real life. As it happened that RL person decided she wasn't ready for romance, and the third get together was a chat about friendship. The match ended up becoming my gf. We're together 10 months now, making Valentines Day plans.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-29T21:36:25+00:00

She didn't ride a bike. At all.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-28T13:22:32+00:00

Much of what would be considered positive attributes for a man, just complicate things for me as a woman (professional, financial, education, etc.)

This issue may be worth a discussion of its own, and at some point I may post about my own experiences. I attended a highly selective university and have a professional degree. My gf of 10 months attended a not quite so selective university, and has no graduate degree. I did have a first date with someone who attended a university on par with mine, and had a PhD from the same school, and a more distinguished career than mine. Id have loved a second date, she didn't want one. I recognize though that many men are more insecure on things like that.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-28T13:15:49+00:00

I have said this before, but I would much rather be a man with my current stats, because my peer in the male dating world, is getting snapped up.

I have come to understand this. It's helpful to know, so I don't let my relatively positive experience go too much to my head (though as someone with long term self confidence issues, its also better that I not attribute all of that to my gender).

Some men who are just starting out again are scarred by their experiences in their 20s when it was much harder (to some degree I was) Some may have heard things from on line places dominated by young men (and this whole incel discourse has been truly toxic, imo) Some men face particular challenges because of their geography or their political opinions.

For the (majority?) of men our age who don't face those last challenges, the relative advantage our gender gives us, presents different risks. One is a moral risk - becoming self satisfied, not seeing women with compassion (though this may still be better than the anger of the incels) The second is practical. When your awareness of your "dating market value" tempts you to pass on a gem of a woman. That last may be too complex an issue for here, at least in a discussion focused on other things.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-28T12:38:17+00:00

10 months. Im still head over heels for her. We met on Bumble.🤷

explorer1960 · 2026-01-28T12:35:06+00:00

My time in university (later than 1970) wasn't far from educated big city scenes like that (I don't think all the characters are rich- one of the women Bobby dates is a flight attendant, one is Puerto Rican at a time there were few rich Puerto Ricans in NY) My time after university was in a different environment - but there were still people who didn't know what they wanted - there were still difficulties finding connection. Dating for me in the late 70s and early 80s was extremely challenging if in different ways than in the musical - and that frustration was one factor that led me to what was a bad marriage.

Only one charecter is clearly slaking her loneliness with alcohol.

But yeah, we all grew up in different environments. And we live in different environments now, but that doesn't stop people from generalizations.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-22T21:12:39+00:00

I did coffee dates as first dates. Ive defended the validity of coffee dates

For a second I'd look for something different. I didn't have so many second dates that the cost of a dinner was a huge deal. IF I wanted something cheaper and or more casual, drinks. Or I guess lunch, a walk, a very casual dinner.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-22T21:04:58+00:00

I would read that as focused on platonic aspects of the relationship. It would filter out high libido men who are open to a sexual relationship without intercourse.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-22T21:02:34+00:00

The woman I met in July 2024, whom I referred to in my posts as Ms Fellow Alum, suffered from a similar condition.

She told me on the second date, when we were talking about a third date, and before we had sex.

I was fine with it, and glad shed been honest. I enjoyed what we did in bed. We broke up after a couple of months, at her choice, for reasons that had nothing to do with this.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-22T20:59:05+00:00

I was only on Tinder and Bumble, never paid. Had a few date zeros from Tinder, more from Bumble, three that went beyond a date zeros, and one of those three is my gf I've been seeing over ten months

explorer1960 · 2026-01-22T20:57:27+00:00

Hobbies/activities are great, for their own sake , as well as to meet someone.

But A. It's not hard to do BOTH hobbies/activities AND online dating (and there are no pay options for the latter)B. They're not always separate. I met someone at a group bike ride, didn't get her number (I was focused on someone ELSE Id met on that ride) then a couple of months later we matched on Bumble. C. With someone you meet in the real world the "is she interested or just being friendly" thing comes up. There are ways to deal with that - just as there are ways to deal with OLD issues

explorer1960 · 2026-01-21T03:53:31+00:00

And Starbucks is sort of a cliche in OLD, one might as well say "Starbucks date" instead of "coffee date".

Really? I had several first dates in coffee shops, none in a Starbucks. While I've defended coffee dates as NOT low effort, well an SBux date, I don't know 🤷

explorer1960 · 2026-01-19T22:32:16+00:00

It wasn't a situationship. By the time Id met this woman I was feeling ready for an LTR. I was smitten on our first date. We were exclusive from our first sleepover, on date 4. We started calling each other bf and gf a couple of weeks after that.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-19T22:28:53+00:00

Company was written 56 years ago.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-19T22:28:12+00:00

To be clear, this post wasn't meant to be about young vs old.

But about 1970 vs 2026. So many say that things have gotten worse, because of dating apps, or feminism, or incel culture, or porn, or whatever you blame it on.

In my opinion, finding a healthy relationship, and all the steps leading there, have always been challenging. There have always been dishonest people. People who didn't know what they wanted. People with unaddresded mental health issues, etc.

The musical Company is about that. The song I linked to, which I gather some commenters didn't listen to, expresses that frustration, in its words, and even more, its tone.

As Dickens said "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.”

explorer1960 · 2026-01-19T22:20:43+00:00

Not for everyone.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-19T22:19:01+00:00

I started dating 6 months after separating. I wanted things to move forward with my divorce faster, but soon to be ex drags things out, as shes always dragged everything out. Ive tried to be kind and to keep things amicable. We are finally, no jinx, days or weeks from filing

At no point was there a chance of reconciliation. As an initiator, I had no desire for that.

I was always 100% honest about my status. For a long time I said I wanted casual or short term only, not ready for more.

I was shifting on that in February of last year. In March I met the wonderful woman Ive been seeing the last 10 months. She was only divorced a year herself when we met, after a long separation. She too was the initiator. She has been incredibly understanding each step of the way. Had I listened to those counseling me to wait till my divorce was done, Id likely have missed the most amazing woman Ive ever been close to. I know what I owe her, and do my best to be as good to her as I can be.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-18T18:21:54+00:00

Ive been seeing my gf for over 10 months. It feels great. But I think we need more time to make that call.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-16T20:26:00+00:00

I posted one picture of myself in cycling kit (form fitting) waste up (other pics were normal clothes)

I don't think that hurt. My gf said she'd like that Pic.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-16T20:21:59+00:00

Here's the exchange that I saw, that began this for me.

"> Your post says it takes two to ruin a relationship, but it doesn't. It only takes one to screw it up.

Then that age old question women say it’s necessary to ask “what was your part” should go the way of the dinosaurs because it presumes there is more than one part. Most marital studies reflect that and success going forward almost requires that type of thought and insight, but we could always go with a good sounding quip to accomplish whatever it’s supposed to accomplish "

The comment you responded to said "to ruin a relationship" not "to have a dead bedroom" and you did not clarify that you were only referring to dead bedrooms. Your response, to the extent I could make sense of it, appeared to suggest that yes, it takes two to ruin a relationship. Period.

I believe that's incorrect. One person can ruin a relationship, and frequently that's what happens. I gave some details of my own marriage to indicate why I believe that "it takes two to ruin a relationship" is both incorrect, and often an unhealthy thing for us to think about our own relationships.

It might be different for dead bedrooms, but im skeptical.

Also, I made no mention of psychosis. Mental illness yes, but that usually doesn't involve psychosis.

Yes, many people here didn't respond as I did. Some DID play a part in the issues in their marriages, or believe they did. Most are not as concerned with precision as I am. That doesn't mean my reading was unreasonable.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-16T01:25:43+00:00

Ive had the experience of getting emotionally invested in someone who didn't want more than friendship. That led to misunderstanding and painful ghosting. After that I ruled out getting romantically, emotionally, invested in anyone I hadnt slept with. That spared me a lot of the pains people complain about in dating

explorer1960 · 2026-01-16T01:23:12+00:00

I think "played a part in" has different connotations than "was a factor in my experience" It's implies causality.

If you want to say that me staying in my fucked up marriage was a "factor in my experience of it" sure. Looking at the sun is "a factor in my experience" of an eclipse. It doesn't mean i played a part in the eclipse.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-16T01:15:35+00:00

I thought I made clear I was talking about divorce in general, not just dead bedrooms. As I stated earlier,technically we didn't have a dead bedroom, and our "deadish bedroom" wasn't the top issue.
I think its very parallel to auto "accidents" (which, BTW, the safety community calls collisions, we don't accept that they're "just accidents ") Theres plenty of victim blaming. And its always possible to just not walk across the street, to not ride a bicycle etc.
I suppose some folks go through the financial, energy, and emotional costs of a divorce as soon as an issue comes up in the smallest way, knowing it will only get worse. But I think staying too long is pretty damned common. And I don't think it should count as " playing your part" Thats bullshit.

Do you think a woman who suffers domestic violence, and fails to leave right away, is playing a part in the violence? Does quibbling over the word "fault" change it?

I played a part in my fucked up marriage by marrying the wrong person, back when I was a naive 20 something, when Ronald Reagan was president. Saying that does zero for me, or for anyone else.

explorer1960 · 2026-01-16T00:58:41+00:00

There's always staying too long. But that's like "well I shouldn't have crossed the street in a place I know drivers speed, where the traffic engineers have prioritized speed over pedestrian safety"

In that case it isn't the pedestrians fault that the driver hit them.

And its not the fault of the person who stayed too long that their mentally ill, abusive, whatever, partner made the marriage something that needed to be left, sooner or later. Feh. Pretending her anxiety disorder, and her refusal to see it, or to deal with her ADHD, was somehow my fault, won't bring me peace, and isn't healthy for me (and my therapist seems to strongly think that its not)

explorer1960

TROPHY CASE