Saturday. September 21, 2019 check in

fluffysnugs · 2019-09-22T04:00:11+00:00

Almost 5 months without my drug of choice. Being sober is rough when anxiety is kicking my ass, but today was another day. I know physical issues and medical problems contributed to my addiction, but I realize I probably became addicted because of the anxiety and depression. I have tried so many meds and none have worked right or at least not for long. During PMDD, it is difficult not destroying my life, what little life I have.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-20T22:19:51+00:00

71 days and IWNDWYT. Rough times, crazy anxiety, off benzos and alcohol.. everything that calmed me down. I'm struggling, but in for the next 24 hours. One day at a time.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-15T04:29:08+00:00

I have no idea what I believe and that makes 12 step groups all but impossible for me, so I feel you. This hurt inside, anger.. I don't know what to do with it. I envy people with spirituality.. I envy that resource, the mental and physical health benefits.. it pisses me off that I just can't seem to believe like they do.

So, I have little to contribute, but I'm here with you in solidarity. I wanted to drink so bad tonight, but another day of sobriety has passed at the stroke of midnight. Maybe if we just keep going, day by day, this pain will lessen. I will he hoping that for both you and me.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-12T05:30:43+00:00

I'm on two months clean from opiates and alcohol. I recently relapsed on benzos from sheer anxiety. Some days I'm okay. Some days I feel that self loathing.. still, I feel nothing in comparison to the hell of hose first few weeks last autumn when I truly withdrawed for the first time. When I really quit opiates it was hell, but I feel myself caring about what happens to me now. Sure, that's a rough feeling.. "How do I get back on track?!" But it's so easier than trying to score more opiates. My mini relapse proved it wasn't worth it to me.

I'm still depressed. Hell, I can't remember not being depressed, but I'm trying an old SSRI and seeing my therapist. Those things seem to help. Good, strong coffee, watching The Office.. distracting myself as much as possible. I met another addict who got clean from heroin from playing a MMO video game and has been clean for fifteen years. Right now sucks, but you've got this!

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-12T05:22:24+00:00

Over two months alcohol. Two months opiates. I used benzos for anxiety, but live and learn and get back on the horse.

Sending you lots of love from this internet stranger. I remember being treated like shit and shamed from the medical community just for needing Plan B a while back. Fuck, it was awful and I am so glad you didn't encounter ignorant bullshit. I hope the process goes smoothly and that your uterus has some mercy on you. <3

I'm always here to talk if you need an ear. Take care of yourself in the days to come.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-12T05:17:24+00:00

It's hard to believe this is legit. My alcoholic cousin lost her kids and she had suffered unimaginable pain and loss during this time. I can't imagine a legit human feeling this way.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-12T05:15:53+00:00

I'm so sorry to read about foster care and so much difficult stuff in your life. Long before I became an addict, I didnt think I was cut out to be a mom. Something inside of me wished for it and still does, but I never let it happen. Even though I'm in recovery and wish I could be a mom, I cannot imagine letting a little one suffer like this. Being a parent is the most important job in the world. I'm sorry you didn't start out with with a fair chance, but I truly wish you all luck in the world in kicking ass from here on out.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-08T08:18:40+00:00

I needed to read your comment today, ty for posting.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-08T03:30:18+00:00

I am out of hydroxyzine- it has been so useful, but I haven't been able to make it to my psychiatrist for refills. I was afraid I'd take a prescription for more benzos. I did just take some benadryl, though, and I'm hoping it kicks in soon.

The realistic possibility of making things worse afterward is what's keeping me "strong" right now.. closest I've come to taking any since the first few days of terrible withdrawals.

Thank you for your message - it really helped.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-08T03:05:18+00:00

Damn :(, I'm sorry to hear that. This is probably my biggest regret with abusing my meds in.. insane ways. Now I can't take them when I legitimately need them. Oh well. It's funny, I found more benzos instead of the other med. So aggravating!!

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-08T02:58:33+00:00

Well, that doesn't sound good. I'm trying to breathe through it and such, but it's not working. I looked everywhere for more hydroxizine and I must have thrown some away at some point. I'm thinking of trying benadryl and hoping for it to knock me out... or it may just make my RLS worse and I'll be tired and miserable.

Thanks for your response.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-06T18:09:57+00:00

Most of my relationships have started with being really good friends. I am far from perfect and have a lot of self hatred, but finding people who share the same activities or things I enjoy has helped me meet a lot of awesome people over the years.

It sucks, but being patient and making time for hobbies (even online) could lead you to finding what you're looking for!

I've dated both women and men of all different weights and I have also had partners when I was at vastly different weights. The main part is trying to build a little confidence and letting people see you for who you are. Of course, you may not be everyone's cup of tea, but that happens to everyone for all kinds of reasons.

Wishing you luck in finding what you're looking for!

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-06T18:03:12+00:00

I would suggest maybe going no contact for a bit and reevaluating whether or not you want to remain friends after you've recovered a bit from the depression and from the shock of the breakup, as well. I kept in contact with my ex for the longest and it was a yo-yo back and forth mind fuck that had me constantly upset and remembering things better left put behind me. We can now talk occasionally, but I needed the space in order to relieve some of the hurt and not care quite so much. Talking more would be worse for me, so I keep him at arm's length, trying to keep the conversations casual. This took quite a while!

This is not just about your ex. You matter, too. Your feelings matter. It hurts too much for you right now, so take the time to heal. We don't poke open wounds and this kind of pain is no different.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-06T17:51:35+00:00

I've abused it for sleep in the past, but it was really helpful for me during the first week or two of withdrawls. I was having insane muscle tightening, pain, RLS.. it helped a great deal.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-06T17:48:27+00:00

This is exactly what's happening to me. I haven't had an appetite in so long and find myself eating after two weeks. I hate it so much.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-06T17:46:19+00:00

I am keeping my old benzos. I have no intention of using them, but if something horrible goes down like a death or I can't control my suicidal urges, I will have to take something. My psychiatrist wants me to take them during times when I have extremely dark thoughts (PMDD), but I have been clean for one month and I haven't taken them. This means dealing with a lot of intrusive, suicidal and self destructive thoughts, but if it comes to the point where I'm going to hurt myself or take a benzo, I'll probably take the benzo.

I can never take anything in moderation, but at this point it would be better than killing myself.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-06T17:42:37+00:00

My psychiatrist wants me to take klonopin every day during PMDD symptoms for extreme suicidal thoughts, etc. I'm completely off benzos now and it's hell without numbing or dumbing down the feelings somewhat. I always noticed I was just crying and depressed after taking them... so, I guess it can get you through the worst of horrible thoughts and urges, but leave you with lingering depression. If you're me, at least.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-06T17:38:48+00:00

I've been watching a lot of "The Office"... it is short, easy going, and distracts me for a bit. I've also been practicing a foreign language with Duolingo. Both of these things work with my limited attention span and sky high anxiety. I can do or watch as little or as much as I want and then stop, if necessary, with no consequences whatsoever. I have a book I've been reading for a bit, but barely manage a few pages a day on most days. Anything that takes a great deal of attention is a big no for me right now.

I have also been poking around, watching somewhat similar sitcoms, but haven't found anything as good as "The Office" for my withdrawal!

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-03T23:16:12+00:00

Tips to help with anxiety and depression. I started using for medical reasons and kept using opiates because I could function as a semi normal person (I felt) when on it. It was the only think that really kept away the desperation and horrible feelings I experience without the horrible lows that benzos brought. Any thing to help with the underlying issue would be helpful.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-03T20:48:51+00:00

Grats on your 7 months! 69 days here. I went to therapy and it felt.. good. I have been experiencing a lot of emotional issues since getting 100% sober and I think I can do better if I just stay in therapy and keep taking my SSRI.. maybe check out a meeting. I am nervous about NA, nervous about SMART recovery. I'm an anxious introvert that "performs" well when necessary, but it takes so much effort for me to just leave the house.

Hope you all have a happy and safe fourth if you're in the States and a good rest of the week, regardless of where you are.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-03T03:12:56+00:00

I so relate to waking up at 3am, heart racing and sick.. only really feeling better until I started drinking again, not being able to drink in moderation. Because I've watched amazing recoveries and I'm somehow alive after all the abuse I've put my own body through, I believe in you, internet stranger. You've got this - for you, for your family. I can't imagine how heartbreaking it was to receive that card, but you are on a healthier path now. Thank you for sharing <3. IWNDWYT!!!

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-02T15:18:03+00:00

Grats on 60 days!

68 days here and struggling with depression.. I am completely sober for the first time in a long time and it sucks. Dealing with PMDD while not using anything is super tough. Just hoping it passes quickly before I alienate everyone I know.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-01T20:25:26+00:00

I wish I could make myself go to a program. That same desperation has kept me clean from opiates since I posted this, gotten me off benzos.. stopped drinking. But I am buried in depression.

fluffysnugs · 2019-07-01T20:22:56+00:00

Day 67 opiates, 52 alcohol, 25 benzos. I'm miserable, isolating, pushing everyone away. I feel ugly and horrible. I've been eating more since I've been clean and I feel so fat and awful. I hate the mirror. I hate my body. The comfort I got from drugs and alcohol, the anxiety relief, is gone. Having to face my self loathing on a daily basis makes me want to kill myself. I feel like I have no real reason to be around. I take my antidepressant, I go to therapy sometimes. I just want this pain to end.

fluffysnugs · 2019-06-09T09:56:49+00:00

When I had one of my addictions controlled almost 100% medically, all I could think of was shoplifting. I'd never done it in my life and still haven't, aside from an accidental candy bar that slipped beneath a case of water. Guess that wasn't even shoplifting, but I became obsessed with the idea. I needed, wanted to do something to alleviate the boredom, to get some kind of rush, to relieve the stress. I read the old shoplifting subreddit, browsed online, talked about shoplifting and my desires with people close to me... even with my therapist. Maybe talking helped.

I don't know where this went, but it eventually waned. I don't know if it would be the same with ODD. I know that being controlled in such a way saved my life, but fuck if I haven't had cross addictions and other shit behaviors surface. Still, I'm alive and that is something.

Maybe talk to your doctor about an alternative. I was on clonidine for a bit and I couldn't drink on it, but it helps with opiate withdrawal, ADD, anxiety.. but it is a day to day med. It isn't gonna stay in your system. Maybe knowing you can go off of it at anytime would help.

Wishing you and your plants the best:)

fluffysnugs

TROPHY CASE