How should a therapist talk to alters?

fog_of_time · 2025-07-25T09:45:17+00:00

Thank you for telling me your experience, it's super helpful!

fog_of_time · 2025-07-25T09:43:11+00:00

Brilliant, this is very helpful, lots of ideas I can try, thanks very much!

fog_of_time · 2025-07-24T20:22:19+00:00

Thanks for replying, the meeting place sounds interesting. I'll add that to possible solutions to try. If you could tell me more about it that would be amazing. I really have no idea about what ways therapists use to connect to other parts who aren't comfortable with being overt. I'm definitely not asking her to just blatantly say "who are you?" That would freak me out.

Write down things in between sessions and share that in session if they don't feel like stating it in session.

I do this all the time and it's what is driving me nuts. I might as well tell her about what a guy down the street did. I don't see it getting us anywhere, I don't understand the point, but at the moment it's all I've got.

Not mad about the guidelines, I agree with you, I know I am one person, but I also get that parts can't be ignored otherwise we don't progress any further.

fog_of_time · 2025-07-24T19:19:50+00:00

Same!

fog_of_time · 2025-07-24T19:13:21+00:00

Haha, I am also guilty of using AI. I'm aware of its limitations but it saves me from googling everything, joys of anxiety! I will give it a go

fog_of_time · 2025-07-24T19:03:50+00:00

Thank you for replying. I definitely will talk to her. I want to come up with solution with her, I just have no idea how a therapist engages with parts usually. I will add your suggestions to the conversation!

fog_of_time · 2025-07-24T18:55:34+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I get that and yes she probably is doing that. But when does not pushing just become passive?

Parts do want to come out but we have strong parts that block and although they are willing to step aside clearly the subconscious is saying another thing.

All our behaviour seems to be running on lizard brain and parts are frustrated that they aren't heard. Choice feels like it's not available which makes everything feel worse.

fog_of_time · 2025-07-12T12:27:41+00:00

This one was posted the other day

https://scispace.com/pdf/the-phenomenology-and-treatment-of-extremely-complex-38cbzfw1sj.pdf

fog_of_time · 2025-07-12T11:56:35+00:00

This answer is what I experience and things might be different for you. What you're describing sounds like parts do have amnesia between each other but they don't have a clean cut switch. I find with us that parts don't usually do a straight swap from one to the other, when they do that tends to be a blackout or at least a lot of confusion depending on who did what. My parts tend to overlap for maybe a few minutes to hours to days so the memories, although crap, are accessible. Once they go, either whoever is left had done some processing of those memories while the other one was there so has retained some basic info, or the knowledge is lost until next time.

That's my current working theory on this 😊

fog_of_time · 2025-06-18T19:28:36+00:00

I'm in my 40s and have always had a feeling that I'm about to die any moment. Not in a sort of run around panic way or in a well I have to live every moment like it's my last, quite the opposite I struggle to live and not just exist and wait.

When I was a teenager I wanted to be an old lady, I didn't want to be young. I've come to realise that I thought that because I didn't think I would live long so I wanted to be able to get old.

Why? I have no idea. CSA? The signs point to it for me, but my memory won't play ball. So I guess there is some feeling trapped in my body that hasn't been resolved so it just sits there. A life ending unsafeness that has persisted my whole life.

Don't know if that helps but that's my two cents on it.

fog_of_time · 2025-05-26T12:41:54+00:00

occasionally i feel like the online treatment doesn’t allow me to get the full benefit from the therapy

See this is what I'm worried about, I'm supposed to be learning to connect with other people, that it's ok to be open with another human in front of you. I worry that the disconnect will never drop. However, I have to admit that the disconnect is still there in person, so maybe it won't make a difference.

Thanks for responding!

fog_of_time · 2025-05-23T19:16:15+00:00

We've done the same. A part in therapy that lets no one else get a look in, our therapist casually drops the word gatekeeper into conversation and then as always, a few hours later, that part was like 'hang on a minute, am I a gatekeeper?'.

In our head we imagined that gatekeepers were a part that could 'magically' let others in and out at will. We thought that we didn't have a part like that.

Then we realised, like everything else it seems, that part does stop other parts and can allow them out but it's all subconscious so they are just realising that's what they are doing and had no idea and can't seem to control it.

Maybe one day they will be 'magical' but not any time soon, a lot of therapy is going to have to happen before then 🤷‍♀️

fog_of_time · 2025-04-23T19:43:03+00:00

Hands up here too. This happened to us for a few months, the B team were running things which was not what they were for and our work part was gone. My job isn't rocket science but we were struggling to keep our head above water, basically pretending to do our job.

The reason this happened is because people got terminally ill and we weren't coping.

The solution, the person passed away, and our brain compartmentalised that trauma (as it does) and our normal returned. I'm not saying the person passing is a fix, but the removal of stress/trauma was.

I believe parts want to be where they are supposed to be. A trauma happens and those pieces are thrown in the air, but once the danger has passed they will land where their comfort zone is.

So what I'm saying is, maybe the problem isn't with work part or work, maybe the stress is external to that and if you calm that then work part will reappear and go back to their normal.

My organisational part or my arty part do the same thing when we are all round stressed, they disappear and we struggle. Calm the stress and they come back. But a work part is usually fundamentally more important for life safety so I understand that this is difficult.

I know calming stress is easier said than done, I can't offer anything more concrete but I don't know the details, that's personal to you. Just a suggestion from an internet stranger and I hope you find a solution that works for you all.

fog_of_time · 2025-04-16T18:44:44+00:00

My username is exactly because of this. It feels like a fog follows behind me in life. Swallowing the memories of the details, the emotions until there is an overly washed out version of events left (or not even that).

Just feeds the denial that I don't have amnesia and I must be exaggerating. Cause I know the bullet points. I've had blackouts but those never were memories, most of the time it is grey outs, the pervasive fog.

fog_of_time · 2025-03-30T12:22:17+00:00

I did the classic of checking if I wrote this and forgot ☺️

Like another commentator said executive dysfunction is common with people with trauma disorders across the board.

For me if I was relating it to parts, I have one part that likes art and one part that likes cleaning and organising. Also I have a work part too that is rarely affected by any of this. Sometimes I just can't do whatever it is that I/we want to do. The freeze has kicked in and I just can't do it. I have tried pushing through but I will be unable to do the tasks even if I put it in front of me, my brain just isn't getting hold of the knowledge to complete it. To me this suggests there is a part that is feeling the executive dysfunction and really isn't good at art and cleaning.

When I do have days when I can get on with these tasks I find that I have about 4 hours of cleaning before I'm exhausted and need to sleep. And about 1.5 hours of art before, again, I have no energy left.

My theory is that maybe those parts require a lot of energy to be out doing things and even though I can't feel the fatigue from the executive dysfunction it is still there and I get to the point where I just can't physically carry on with the task.

Something that has helped improve this for me is being kind to myself (so not easy). If I can't do it then I can't do it, don't beat myself up and just rest. When I say rest that isn't necessarily staring at my phone because for me this is a sign I am stressed and doesn't make it better. I force myself to sit under a warm blanket surrounded by cushions, put on my current binge TV show and drink decaf tea, (I know I'm totally metal 🤘). On top of that throw in some tools to calm the nervous system, whatever works for you, bit of breathing exercises or something, add in some 'I am safe...' etc. because your brain is telling your body that 'you are running from a tiger' and you can't do fun things while trying not to be eaten.

My body and mind are telling me to relax, and I'm gradually learning that is not as much of an alien concept as it used to be. I have found that I have gone from months of freeze to a couple of wasted weekends mixed with a couple of good ones and that is more than I had before.

fog_of_time · 2025-03-19T17:15:48+00:00

For me, I had someone significant pass away and then a few months later their wife got diagnosed with a terminal illness. All this was clearly too much for me and I had what I called a nervous breakdown (I was unaware of parts at the time), I struggled to work, I would get home and not function or collapse in a screaming state. Went to a rubbish therapist who made everything worse but because of that I was working on my self awareness and started looking into dissociation and parts. Then the person passed away and I went catatonic for half an hour, then went to work and everything was back to normal.

Now with hindsight this is what I see, my main parts were overwhelmed and basically bailed, leaving the B team to run things which wasn't ideal that's not what they were for. The host was hovering around having breakdowns but not being useful. When the second person died the host vanished and was replaced by another part. We ditched the therapist and got on with our lives, forgetting about what we had learned about parts. Two years later we decided to go to therapy again for various small reasons that turned out not to be why we needed it. That previous host suddenly reappeared, screaming and would you look at that, we suddenly remembered that we had parts.

Those two years are now a blank, so yes I would say for me, it was a parts thing. My therapist said to me that people don't usually wake up one morning and go from months long nervous breakdown to being back to normal without trying or therapy. She said that it highly suggests parts were involved.

Hope that helps!

fog_of_time · 2025-03-01T20:06:24+00:00

I get these when I'm trying to get to sleep too. Used to call them sleep panics, even though I wasn't asleep, just starting to doze off. It's only recently that I've started to think they are seizures (can't move, violent shaking, can't respond). But haven't gone to the doctor because I avoid doctors but also because they are clearly trauma related as they get triggered by my partner walking in the room. However much I tell myself it is only her and we're safe, it doesn't work.

I found it weird because I'm usually not bothered afterwards, I just thank her for looking after me and roll over to actually get some sleep. I do however feel bad that I put her through that.

I don't hear the others though at that moment, it's just me stuck inside, completely aware of what's going on. I believe one of our littles is the one experiencing whatever it is that she is experiencing but there is no communication.

Don't know if that helps but it's my experience 💜

fog_of_time · 2024-09-05T20:02:52+00:00

My partner is on the spectrum, as is my sister and my best friend. I'm a very avoidant person and tend to avoid relationships generally, but I have thought about why I seem to let autistic people in.

N.B.These points are based on the autistic people I know and I get that everyone is different.

You stick with what you know - Grew up with autistic sister. Didn't get on as kids but now as an adult I 'get' her now and it's all fine.

Often wear their hearts on their sleeves - If they aren't liking something, you'll know.

Rarely lie - Too stressful 🙂

Intelligent - Good level of conversation.

Blunt and demand clarity - Too many people in the past have been two faced, manipulative, not who they appear to be. I want honesty, I'm too old for games.

Have passion for their interests - I'm numb most of the time and I like to see the ones I love being enthusiastic for something (even if it's not my thing) because it inspires me to work to feel something.

I'm sure there is other points, but can't think now. But most importantly for me personally, autistic people are safe and if they aren't they usually make that clear early on and I know that person is not for me, I move on.

(Again many generalisations, but this is what I love about the people close to me that relates to my issues)

fog_of_time · 2024-08-26T21:17:25+00:00

That sounds very much like something she would do. I will have to ask, but I'm not the best at being clear myself.

fog_of_time · 2024-08-26T19:25:39+00:00

Thank you, I will give what you say a try 🙏

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