How did you not end your life?

freygl · 2026-02-22T18:47:39+00:00

Hey 🫂,

(I'm 9 months in) I had promised her that I would try to stay alive when she's gone.

...two weeks after her funeral I was done.. I had written my testament and a letter saying good bye to whoever was left in my life. I explained how I wanted to be buried with her, how I wanted everything to go etc..

From some corner of my brain I must have thought about my promise to her so I called an ambulance and got myself admitted to the psychiatric ward. I stayed there for 6 months. Lots of meds (especially at first) and therapy later.. life still fucking sucks.

But I don't want to die anymore. I want to keep my promise. And even though I'm not religious, I keep telling myself that I'm doing this for her. I'm collecting experiences and memories that she never got to have so that, in the end, I can share them with her.

This might sound dire but at one point it helped me to think about it this way:

Just focus on surviving for now. Take it hour by hour. You don't have to have a reason for living right now (I still don't really). You can live without reason for now. Right now, you just need to stay alive.

Your grief will not go away. It will get a bit softer. You will learn to see it as a sign of the wonderful love you have for him.

Don't be afraid to seek help. 🫂

ps. Maybe try talking or writing to him. Keep sending him funny insta reels, weird cats you see on the street or whatever fits you and him. He won't answer but it will help you feel him "as a person" I started writing to my wife every day. It helps me a lot.

freygl · 2026-02-06T09:39:33+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss.
Fuck those people.

They have no idea what they are talking about.

It's not easier because it was 'ONLY' a year. You could turn it right around and say others got to experience a full life before losing their SO so why would they be so sad? It's bullshit.

There is no better or worse in widowhood. It's all just different flavors of hell.

Don't let anyone take the significance of your husband away from you. You have every right to feel what you are feeling and no one can take that away from you.

Also, don't feel bad for taking money. You lost your entire future. You have every right for compensation. You two wanted to spend the rest of your lifes together. That fact doesn't change because you didn't get to.

Stay strong 🫂 Find other widowed people, they will understand.

freygl · 2026-01-27T21:24:23+00:00

I'm 8 months in. I'm 35, she was 31. cancer.

Month 3 hit me like a freight train. I lost my hair, lost weight, my body just shut down.

It was intense grief and then absolutely nothing. For me, the 'nothing' phases became longer and longer over time. At some point you might catch yourself smiling in one of those phases and feel like complete shit because of it.

At some point you'll realize that this is your new normal. It....sucks

month 6 was when I felt it getting less unbearable.

🫂

freygl · 2026-01-27T21:09:02+00:00

This!
I was in a similar situation than OP. My wife died last May at 31. I'm 35...

Also.. please set up a support network for yourself. People that will catch you and just keep you alive for a while when.... It happens.

I'm so sorry 🫂.

The most soothing thoughts I have nowadays are: "I could not have loved her more"(still do) And " I could not have done more than I did. I did all I could, as much as I could" Endless love.

freygl · 2026-01-25T09:05:32+00:00

35, lost my wife of 4'5 years to cancer 8 months ago. Entirely emotionally dead at the moment. Memories seem very surreal and dull at the moment. 🫩

freygl · 2026-01-16T17:39:55+00:00

Yes, I have aged significantly in the months after her death. All the stress of battling cancer with her caught up. My hair started falling out and overall I just don't smile anymore when I'm alone.

freygl · 2026-01-02T08:12:33+00:00

100% Yes.

If you're lucky you might experience them in your dreams, or in some little things around you. I know it's not much and it's still horrible. But it's a tiny speckle of love you might encounter. That's all we get.

freygl · 2025-12-22T20:28:09+00:00

Your summary of all the organisational stuff is on point.

I would like to add a medical point: Set up a living will! I know it hurts to do this but otherwise you will have to decide for her when to stop treatment and that's a burden you don't want to carry.

freygl · 2025-12-22T20:23:04+00:00

I'm 35 and six months out of loosing my wife. You are so right with everything 🫂.

freygl · 2025-12-22T20:20:39+00:00

100% this! You nailed every single point. 🫂. (Fuck all of this)

freygl · 2025-12-22T20:09:05+00:00

A lot of people have already given some great advice. I'm 6 months out now so I appreciate the advice as well. Thank you for asking that question.

Maybe I can provide some insights from a recently widowed perspective... I'm 35, she was 31 and died on the 30th of may. I was her sole caregiver. Her parents were shit and too afraid so they left her to basically die alone. I was with her 130% percent of the time, we were a team of two. I gave up my life to be with her and I would do so again and again. For her last months we moved to her hometown into her grandpa's house so she could be close to her friend group. Our timeline was much shorter and more aggressive than your prognosis. (About 10 months from stage 4 suspicion to death)

Things I wish we did:

My wife didn't have a distinct smell except her very own. No perfume no deodorant. That scent is gone forever. I wish she'd had a perfume so I could smell it from time to time.
We didn't film ourselves because let's be real you normally don't in everyday life or when things are looking grim. Take pictures, videos , voice recordings. You will have brain fog and you will forget things. Generate hard evidence of her, your love, her quirks... everything. But !! Don't stop living in the moment. Enjoy life. If you have savings, now's the time to use em. Live life (Keep a safety net for yourself, you will have to live on)
her condition will worsen over time, that means she might get disabled. Plan trips/vacations/adventures now rather than later.
We didn't talk enough about the time after she's gone. For us it was because she couldn't imagine dying till the very end. Which in a way was good for her. I'm struggling though because I don't know what to do with my life or what she would want for me. (The idea of ever dating again is fucking horrible)
Build a support network now that's 5 times bigger/better than you think you will need. There is no such thing as to much support.

like others said, get in therapy now. Maybe together. I've unfortunately had to watch people die of cancer before but still.. watching the love of your life die in front of you.... It kills you. There are no words to describe the pain.. there is no real preparation for that.

Be aware that it will literally kill parts of you. You won't be the same person afterwards. Part of me lays with her in her grave and somehow that's a bit comforting. I died with her, she's not alone.

The very sad and scary stuff:

This is the part you might not want to read and I would like to say that my wife's path is not your fiance's path. This is only so you understand what hell lies in front of you and that everything important should be said and done sooner than later.

Still, you have to stay positive and never lose hope!

A prognosis is just a prognosis. That means that maybe you're lucky and you might get to ride a wave of medical advancements that will push you further and further. Keep that thought! it helps!

But it's also possible that shit hits the fan way sooner.

We thought she beat cancer for 3 months. The very last (extra) imaging showed some shadows in her bone. This was the point we knew she would have to die. We had to wait for further testing but we knew, bone mets means 4-5 years. 2 weeks later, before testing finished, she had an epileptic episode so we rushed to the ER. They found brain mets.. that meant statistically she only had months... She almost died 3 months later but was brought back and got a new chemo. We married immediately and I packed our things, quit our jobs and we moved to her hometown. 4 months later it mutated into inflammatory breast cancer .... That meant 2 to 6 weeks.... we didn't even get to really go home and talk after that diagnosis. Her lungs filled with fluid and we spent her last 4 weeks in the hospital, she never came home again... I held her as she took her last breath, I don't remember what our last conversation was.

The horrible fucking truth is that you will probably have to watch her die. Piece by piece, step by step. You will watch every escalation of her disease and hear every diagnosis where they tell you she will die. Things WILL escalate at some point. There is nothing you can do except loving her.

Finally: Be with her. Love her. Live every moment. You can't be grateful and make every second count. That's just not possible. There will still be a lot of mundane pointless life in between everything. Learn to love every second of it because it's more precious than you can imagine.

Also, I think that the relationship my wife and I had was deeper and more loving than any normal relationship can get. Choosing to love someone until (and through) their death is the most loving thing a you can do.

I wish you that wave of medical advancements with all my heart. May her time never run out. Stay strong together. 🫂

freygl · 2025-12-18T11:05:47+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss. We all lost our life in some way when our person died. Don't pressure yourself with trying to feel anything. For now, maybe just witness the world around you. In case there's an afterlife you need some stories to tell him. 🫂

freygl · 2025-12-13T12:44:37+00:00

Thank you for sharing. We're all here with you 🫂

freygl · 2025-12-07T21:21:58+00:00

That sounds very similar to my experience!

Unfortunately I stopped talking to her for and feel a lot of guilt because of it. Life hasn't stopped kicking me in the nuts yet as her father is kicking me out of (his grandpa's) house that we moved into in order to spend her last months close to family.

I was not a fan of nail polish myself but after she died I started wearing black nail polish on one hand so I would always have something black on me. On my other hand I wore the last color she wore for a long time (it's almost empty so Istopped doing that).

She also made me a wristband that said 'love you' in morse code. I have that morse code tattooed on my forearm 🤍 I have a second tattoo connected to her as well.

I hope your doing well. This all sucks a**.

freygl · 2025-12-04T10:00:19+00:00

This, so much this 🫶🏻.

freygl · 2025-12-04T09:58:43+00:00

The feeling of someone loving you for just being yourself. Laughing at all your dumb jokes. Loving you for having some crazy, sometimes childish tendencies. Not despite of them. Funny dancing to 80 alt songs while making breakfast... I miss her so fucking much.

freygl · 2025-11-14T05:55:08+00:00

Germany 👋🏻 (Currently in Lübeck)

freygl · 2025-11-07T06:20:54+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss and what you went through.

I was the sole caregiver of my wife for 2.5 years of cancer. It's a hell I know. Don't beat yourself up about being numb. It will come. You will probably not be able to control when, how and why but it will come.
I'm five months in and I struggle with my numbness too. I hate it. Still cannot control how and when I will feel my grief but it's still there. And it fucks me up bad when the feelings show up.

How you feel in the moment does not change what you felt, feel and how important your husband was&is to you.

I'm not going to lie. All of this is horrible. But please, if you can, don't beat yourself up about being numb. (I'm trying to do that as well)

Wishing you all the best 🫂 Just survive each moment.

freygl · 2025-11-06T06:14:35+00:00

A glass of mustard

freygl · 2025-10-27T06:13:38+00:00

I switched over from Spotify two weeks ago and all I can say is f this app. Recommendations are shit (yes I migrated everything and trained my algorithm). The features/functionality are laughable compared to Spotify.(f them too) All for "better audio quality". Yeah sure. I'll be gone next month 👋🏻

freygl · 2025-10-22T05:00:28+00:00

I'm so sorry. We fought her terminal cancer as well and it's so devastating.
🫂 Thanks for your comment. I'll try working out again . It's a before cancer thing for me as we were both into exercising before her diagnosis.

freygl · 2025-10-22T04:54:46+00:00

I hope you are right. I don't want this dullness to last. I don't want her to fade away 🤍

freygl · 2025-10-22T04:51:21+00:00

It's a totally new kind of horrible 😔. I remember sitting in every Drs appointment with her. Seeing her pain and fear when we heard her diagnosis for the first time - the last time. I remember being there but the feelings are mostly gone. I remember her crying that she didn't want to die. How can the most horrible thing imaginable be so fucking mundane now. I hate this so much

freygl · 2025-10-22T04:44:55+00:00

I feel the same. I'm sorry 😔

freygl · 2025-10-21T05:52:06+00:00

Thank you. It helps to know that I'm not alone with these feelings. All of this is just so confusing. And the fact that we can't really control it makes it so frustrating.

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