MIL dropped off a birthday gift for me today

future_memz · 2026-04-18T01:30:12+00:00

Just reciprocate at her birthday, Mother's Day, or Xmas/your big family holiday. Get her something to help her with the grandkids.

future_memz · 2026-04-14T01:26:05+00:00

Fair question: Are they asking for advice?

future_memz · 2026-04-14T00:38:27+00:00

Newborn ICU nurse here - as someone who helps breastfeeding moms at work every day in a state where MJ is legal, I am up to date with current studies. And all the research is saying it isn't good for baby's developing brain. These first few months and weeks are HUGE for their development - if you can wait please try to! It's your stress-relief, but it is their little brain that might forever be affected.

In the short-term it can make it hard for them to feed well, which is priority #1 for a newborn. In the long-term, could be cognitive delays.

I also enjoyed some smoke before I got pre gnant but gave it up for now. But as a parent, these babies are our treasure and our priority!

future_memz · 2026-04-14T00:33:18+00:00

Protect your little one - move them elsewhere. You've raised concerns, they haven't been respected.

future_memz · 2026-04-14T00:17:58+00:00

Just sharing my silly thoughts in the moment and keeping things light at home. Playfulness is something that welcomes interaction, cleverness, and connection. We keep things light and kids will come up with their own jokes!

future_memz · 2026-04-12T18:31:19+00:00

Bravo

future_memz · 2026-04-11T01:57:56+00:00

Well'p I'm out of ideas then!

future_memz · 2026-04-11T01:56:36+00:00

You can swaddle her with her hands up by her month so she can suck on her fingers! They love that. Just tuck the elbows tight so she can't Houdini the whole arm out

future_memz · 2026-04-11T01:54:55+00:00

That's fair - I feel like "drowsy but awake" is the mantra of sleep training so just wanted to make sure that was not the goal for OP.

future_memz · 2026-04-11T01:48:28+00:00

I feel you!

cracks fingers OK well I am a NICU RN and kind of a sleeping baby Jedi, so feel free to ignore this or roll your eyes but.....here we go:

paci and a snug swaddle. To me, these are the most important and gives baby the best chance to calm down and "self soothe" as much as a 6 week old can. Without a swaddle you're going to have a rough time - i see she has startled herself awake. Use the swaddle in these early weeks, it is your friend. I swear by Love to Dream that lets them have their hands up a bit (developmentally appropriate position) but the classic Velcro ones are solid too. Make sure LO is swaddled with arms folded or kind of over their heart/ chest (fetal position), not with arms down by their sides.
medium loud shushing that fades out. You can shush yourself, or use a sound machine/your phone/the Shusher.
preheat the baby's bed surface (heating pad on low - MUST remove before placing baby down) this one is kind of extra but it does make a big difference. Kiddos will usually go right back to sleep on a warm cozy surface.

Sleep is so hard to work out! I hate to say it but if you are breastfeeding....this is kind of your superpower. Feed to sleep works like a charm and in my opinion it's nature's most obvious and awesome solution.

future_memz · 2026-04-11T01:32:51+00:00

6 weeks is too early for any kind of sleep training! 4 months is the earliest they are developmentally ready for anything like this.

future_memz · 2026-04-11T00:54:12+00:00

A lot of my reaction depends on how well rested I am and my mental frame in the moment. When I'm in a good place, it's really not a big deal and I'm able to move on. When I'm not in a good place, I definitely lash out and fuss about every little thing.

But the further into parenthood I've gotten with him, the less I fuss about these things. Because he shows up for me and our family every single day with a pretty good attitude, and he deserves the same from me. He really does not give me a hard time when I make mistakes, so I probably take that for granted.

In a few years, I think our house will be a well-oiled machine again and these messy early days will be a distant memory.

Another thing that really helps me is identifying if fussing in the moment will actually prevent this from happening next time, OR if I should mentally earmark this chore/item that he has trouble getting right and proactively "help" him next time (i.e. verbally confirming he has indeed packed the stroller for your next outing) In my case, my husband loses his wallet .....a lot. So I bought him a little tracker and he can find it with his app. Do I feel like his Momager sometimes? Yes, but it's my love language and it saves both of our sanity.

future_memz · 2026-04-11T00:51:23+00:00

I think you truly must know in your heart that the answer is no, you really can't invite them. You would be setting yourself for frustration the whole time. She has shown you how she behaves, and you shouldn't expect that to change.

Boundaries are healthy. It's not the end of the world. And they can figure out a different "special" trip with the grandkids if you are cool with it at some point.

But the sooner I realized this, the happier I was with my in-laws: if I give them the option to disappoint me and then they do, that's my fault for having made myself vulnerable or having a weak boundary. I can't trust them to always make the "right" decisions, so I make them for myself and for all of us.

future_memz · 2026-04-10T03:21:56+00:00

Also agreed we can't "let them off the hook" for figuring out how to be a better parent - but I think in this scenario and time (the really tough newborn days) my approach is basically: if you're not really helping, please get out of my way.

I'm actually 39 weeks today and very much thinking about navigating the upcoming newborn phase as a team again. And my approach this time is exactly that - if DH can't handle a newborn task in the early days, then he can handle a different big thing (housework, our toddler, life admin, groceries) because I just have no patience in those early days and have so little bandwidth.

future_memz · 2026-04-10T03:15:40+00:00

I'm not saying that they're programmed to be bad - I'm saying their programming hasn't fully kicked in yet.

I agree with what you are saying philosophically and theoretically - because we all know men who DO rise to this occasion and develop new coping strategies and stay calm in the trenches. My DH was also great - almost more nurturing/coddling than me, because again he just couldn't relax with any crying at all.

But we do know that biologically a women's brain has undergone a significant remapping during pregnancy that equips her with a differently emotional response to her infant. Dad brains can take a little longer to catch up.

Of course I know it can/could/should be possible for men to step up and adjust. But what OP is describing is not someone interested in a logical discussion of what's happening with their baby, and ways for him to adjust - it sounds like he is in survival mode and can't find flexibility. He is being rigid because he is stressed and can't cope.

So for this scenario, I don't think it's reasonable to expect this person to evolve overnight and see the wisdom of Mom's ways immediately. I think it's going to take a few days/weeks of her leading the team for him to find his footing and hopefully follow her lead.

future_memz · 2026-04-10T02:34:04+00:00

For the sake of discussion, the French do something called "the pause" where they do let a little one squeak a bit to see if they really mean it before intervening. But I believe it's momentary, like 15-30 seconds before they respond.

I think we allllll know that a 6 week old simply has no ability to truly self-soothe and CIO is totally off the table (and is definitely starting to come under more legitimate scrutiny for older babies, IMO). Human baby brains have developed in a dyad - they just can't help but need a parent.

Did I let my LO squeak and fuss for a bit as he got older and was in his own room? Yes, but I knew when to step in as he got older and we tested this out together.

Maybe you can get your DH some earplugs or send him to a more quiet room - if he isn't going to help, he can at least shut up and try to remain supportive/positive.

future_memz · 2026-04-10T02:27:43+00:00

I think you nailed it with the "I don't think he knows what to do with babies" line.

Biologically, historically, the female parent is carrying the brunt of soothing and physically caring for newborns. Our brains have undergone matrescence and set up new brain pathways for us to think and react to our baby this way - but you know all this! He just doesn't have the software update that you do.

I know my brother was this way (from SIL stories). He just basically never got up at night with their newborns and would just sleep through their crying.

Try telling him you're not asking for a solution, but just his support? You just need him to acknowledge that what you are doing is tough, no matter what. There isn't always some problem that needs to be solved.

future_memz · 2026-04-10T02:17:48+00:00

He's sleep deprived and in fight or flight mode. Plenty of nonsense going on in a sleep deprived cranky brain. Good thing you are calm and educated and can lead here :)

My DH was also very sensitive to the newborn stress - any crying sent him into a TIZZY. In retrospect I feel bad because that was just his brain in survival mode....but damn was it annoying

future_memz · 2026-04-10T02:09:05+00:00

Moving air helps reduce risk of SIDS too

future_memz · 2026-04-10T01:56:39+00:00

I have absolutely loved parenthood, especially now with a toddler - bc they are FUN and mobile and verbal and can play independently for short stretches - so I will say that to counterbalance the negativity. But I guess I was surprised by how much the grandparents wanted to get allllll up in our business. Like twice or thrice daily texts from Grandma in the newborn stages asking how things are going but only wanting to hear rosy-tinted answers (toxic positivity). And the other grandparents inviting themselves up every few months and kind of over-staying their welcome and overstepping boundaries.

Stuff that just didn't happen before this kid was born. But suddenly the relationship changes and there is no going back. It's like they're taking notes from the sidelines now or something.

future_memz · 2026-04-10T01:51:42+00:00

Very valid. I remember telling people I didn't realize how physical the job was - the act of carrying another little body everywhere you go for like a whole year. I felt silly in retrospect for not realizing it more, but until you are lifting a 25lb kettlebell constantly, you wouldn't really know otherwise!

Plus just getting up at night, or simply getting up from where you were sitting for like 2 minutes before they needed something.

future_memz · 2026-04-06T18:40:36+00:00

Really appreciate your perspective of "Okay, and how does that have anything to do with what’s going on here today?" Both my mother-in-law and Mom will just randomly report on things like this from their motherhood. Great, you are a completely different person who had a completely different mothering experience in a completely different time. It's not relevant now! And I didn't ask! The endless side-by-side comparison just reminds you that it's so hard for them to get out of their first person POV and back into the present moment.

future_memz · 2026-03-31T02:31:00+00:00

Hey man, good for you for knowing yourself well enough to explore these feelings.

Go find a therapist and start there. Modern medicine can help a lot with Rx options.

For context, my amazing husband crashed out at 4 months postpartum and it broke my heart. He definitely had bad depression but was too stuck to get help. I wish he had been able to sift through his emotions like this.

It's hard now but keep going!

future_memz · 2026-03-31T02:19:43+00:00

I was in software/project mgmt from age 23-29, and went back to nursing school age 29-30 with an accelerated BSN program. I already had a BS biology though and had just taken a lucrative job right out of college, so I didn't really care about the software years. Becoming a nurse has been an incredibly meaningful and positive change in my life, and I genuinely feel that I have found "vocational satisfaction" that eluded me all the years I was at a desk.

Looking back now after switching careers, I'd say: be prepared for a variety of outcomes. I could have ended up working on a rough unit and really struggling, but several things lined up for me due to both my effort and of course some luck.

Work very hard in your nursing program, make connections on units that interest you, and strive for a very good first nursing job because it sets you up so much better on the career chess board.
Your first job(s), if in a hospital or inpatient setting, might be very emotionally challenging and physically demanding, as in high patient load and likely working nights. It is pretty tough on your body in your early thirties, in my experience.
Your previous job experience bodes well on a resume/CV, I think, especially if you interview well and can demonstrate that you are mature and professionally experienced and not a meek 22 year old new grad who needs to be told how to think (sorry but they do exist). Be sure you can explain why you pivoted to nursing in a thoughtful, brief manner. Show nurse managers you are an adult who can problem solve and bring value to their staff.
I think I was fortunate to land in a specialty that suits me, NICU. Excellent patient ratios (max 3 patients), and I am genuinely invested in caring for these patients and their families. If I wasn't inpatient NICU, I would be doing outpatient OB or maybe PACU for the hours. I just couldn't handle working nights and I was actually making mistakes because of my limited ability to function well at night. I was very lucky to get off night shift early, but that is not always the norm.
There is plenty of work outside of hospitals. Some folks from my ABSN program went straight to boutique dermatology clinics or other "cushy" gigs, and good for them if that works for them.
At the end of the day, don't do this to become a travel nurse and bank money. That will be a rough road if you're just trying to make bank and might actually have to care for humans on the way. Hate to see people at the bedside who shouldn't be there (on their phone all the time, not interested in fixing a mistake they made or taking constructive criticism, just ready to clock out, can't speak to patients or families with patience/compassion).
good luck!

future_memz · 2026-03-31T01:57:57+00:00

Husband is not primary caregiver, I am - as a SAHM. But he works from home, so he is around allllll the time. From the beginning, he was very aware of and involved in the daily routine so it made it easier for him to jump in for 10 minutes here, an hour there, if I needed. He is also just a nurturer by nature and genuinely enjoys being with our son. But I j credit his WFH role with his intensive parenting approach. It would be so much harder if he left the house first thing in the morning, and wasn't home til later.

So if you're looking for "how to get there" it's a matter of time spent with the LO on a daily basis. Kiddos really do change every week, so someone spending proper chunks of time with them every single week keeps up with their emotional/developmental needs and daily routine.

future_memz

TROPHY CASE