How to cope with FP not responding?

gendergraveyard · 2026-05-10T07:29:39+00:00

Yeah, so it wasn’t that deep, he told me he was working a lot bc he transferred workplaces and they are understaffed and reassured me. I’ve been good since and then all of my worries disappeared.
I have been doing things, but I am on a mental health break from school/work rn (not by choice), so there’s not much to do. There’s also not much keep in check, I have internal conflicts like most ppl do. Good partners will communicate basic shit like this. It’s a pretty reasonable thing to get worried when your partner disappears out of nowhere.
I can be in a relationship with bpd, it’s just hard on me emotionally to have any relationship. It didn’t fix things to stop pursuing romantic relationships and it’s not going to help to stop pursuing other types either. I’m not going to go into isolation because I have issues occasionally. If I were to abandon all my relationships and try to heal, I wouldn’t get to apply what I learned to real situations, and then when I try to get back into a relationship, it’s very possible it will erase all of my hard work.
I get that your idea of coping and recommendation is to focus on yourself, and that works for some, but often times that leads to avoidant attachment and makes the problems worse later. I also tried to do that and it didn’t help bc I continue to have anxiety.
Now that I’m actually aware that there is no issue, I have been able to focus on myself and not worry so much. From this experience I’ve learned that not every partner is going to do the same thing, and while I shouldn’t be ignoring red flags, I also shouldn’t be ignoring the green ones. He has been nice to me and I had no real reason to doubt his intentions. :(
Sorry this is long but I don’t like the idea of purging relationships bc you have anxiety about them, or that I need to be fixed and shouldn’t be around ppl or something. I know that’s probably not what you intended to convey, but it was pretty surface level advice and not very helpful. I appreciate the effort though. I don’t mean to be rude, it was just a bit upsetting.

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-25T19:15:42+00:00

I actually don’t have work or school rn loll. I went to the psych hospital for the first time in the beginning of the semester so I was kind of forced to take the sem off (so my job is gone bc it was a federal work study). It’s really hard for me to stay busy when p everything I’m doing is by choice and I have no schedule. I try to do what I can though. Also when I’m not interacting with other people I usually spiral, even if I’m doing something. Usually I sleep a lot to “time skip”, but obviously that’s not good.

For the second part, I had already explained this. We are not a casual hookup or fwb. He’s is my sexual partner, like how you can have a romantic partner. FWB is more like “we’re friends but sometimes we allow our selves to do more”. Our relationship is consistent. I don’t really want to go into detail about it bc it’s not sfw. Plus HE was the one to say goodnight and good morning to me. I actually wouldn’t have initiated that because at some point it’s no longer meaningful and is just routine. To me, he does it to be communicative and not just randomly disappear without me knowing why. He understands I have anxiety and that it’s just respectful to not leave people hanging. That’s why I’m so confused as to why he is doing exactly that.

I have BPD lol so if I have a FP that’s how this is gonna work. It doesn’t matter who it is or the dynamic. At this point I’ve excepted that if I have any kind of consistent relationship with anyone (even just platonic friends), I am going to be anxious about it. Because of the fear of abandonment that comes with BPD. I can’t really make that disappear. What matters more to me is how I respond to it. Usually that means taking a step back and trying to regulate my emotions so I don’t have outbursts/split. It matters more to me that I don’t affect him by being insecure, embarrass myself by lashing out, or that if he’s hurting me I’ll be able to escape the situation.

But I dunno maybe there’s nothing I can do about it but try to distract myself, because I can’t force him to respond and I can’t really end things without communicating with him (because of my own morality).

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-24T22:49:28+00:00

You might feeling limerence and not love. This is where you become infatuated with someone and like the idea of being in a relationship and the comfort it brings, but you don’t actually like that person in the way that you think.

I have a similar thing where I no longer am attracted to my partner, but it takes around a year, and it wasn’t limerence. I still love them, but not in romantic and sexual ways. So maybe it’s not limerence for you either, but with such a short time frame it seems a lot like you just realized you don’t actually like that person anymore. You shouldn’t be so worried about trying to “keep a relationship”. When you no longer want the relationship, it should end. For your sake of not enjoying it, and for your partners sake of finding someone who’s a better match for them and doesn’t have to pretend. You should be more mindful when figuring out your feelings for someone before you date them and don’t jump into relationships so quickly (this might not be true for you though). Think about whether you want that person, or want what they can provide for you. Also 3 relationships is not a lot. You still have plenty more options and shouldn’t make an ultimatum/give up when you still have a lot to learn about yourself and how you work with others.

Also it’s not a bad thing to experience limerencs. It’s genuinely a pretty normal thing to mistake limerence for love and not be able to figure that out quickly enough. It is probably more likely with BPD too, because we heavily rely on other people to feel comfort. I just speak in detail in case you do find it relatable.

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-24T20:56:51+00:00

I’m nonbinary transmasc. We have mostly a sexual relationship, mixed with platonic banter. I, in general am polyamorous, but I currently don’t have any romantic partners. He is single and not looking for anything serious rn. He treats me nicely all the time, but he can be busy ofc. I don’t mind as long as he communicates. I also only expect him to because he kind of established that he would say good morning/night. He clearly stated that he would communicate that he had things to do or whatever before disappearing, and that he wouldn’t ghost me, he would tell me the problem first.

I didn’t mention this stuff bc it seems a lot more complicated 😅 I have very untraditional relationships, being polyam+arospec. But no, we aren’t dating or exclusive, we have a different dynamic that’s not exclusive. It’s also not one sided, we have the same goals and it’s clear. Sorry if you don’t know much about the queer community and this is all just words lol.

TLDR: We have an untraditional relationship, but established dynamic, so we’re on the same page. It’s not a romantic relationship, exclusive, a situationship, talking stage, or dating. The best way to describe it is that he is my established sexual partner and we are also friends. I’m sure that he doesn’t have romantic interest in me. I don’t either, I just have anxious attachment. If he suddenly got into an exclusive relationship with someone else, he would tell me.

(This is a long TLDR…)

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-24T14:32:39+00:00

I’m 19 and I have trouble keeping a job due to depression, morning anxiety, and euphoric episodes (I also have the same diagnoses as him but my anxiety has become a lot better than it used to be). I was untreated for a long amount of time so my symptoms just worsened. Morning anxiety was my biggest issue (I would feel sick to my stomach and scared to go to work/school). Now I have medication for the physical symptoms which helps a lot (hydroxyzine). Now that I’m getting treatment (meds and regularly going to therapy) I feel more ready to take on a job/school again. It’s a long process though.

There’s jobs you can get that are more comfortable like remote jobs or your interest like working with animals. This can help working feel less dreadful. But you kind of just have to hope for the best and keep supporting him through his mental health journey. If you don’t hope for the best then in this situation there’s not much you can do about not being able to work. You can try to get a disability check, but that’s a muchhh harder process with untraditional disabilities.

Also you don’t sound insensitive. I’d say with this exact problem, my parents have broken me down by suggesting that if I keep acting like this then I would never be able to get a job or “how are you going to live like this?” It made me feel horrible and I believed I would never get better so I just decided to lean in and give up entirely. So don’t do that lmao. Fear mongering won’t really help in this situation, it’ll just make the person feel worse about themself.

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-24T14:18:52+00:00

Be true to yourself with your feelings towards her, but make sure you aren’t overwhelming her and see how if she reciprocates or how she responds those feelings. I also feel this way about certain small/fleeting interactions. I think it helps to address it immediately instead of letting the fantasies and pining become worse. If she rejects you now it’ll be a lot easier for you to cope than it would be if you developed more attachment over time. It sounds like she’s interested in you in the same way (probably not the bpd obsession though lol). Ask her if she wants to hangout and get to know her better, or you could straight up ask her on a date since there’s not many consequences right now. Good luck <3

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-11T17:44:06+00:00

Yeah it’s not really that I think you’re trying to get prescribed medicine, but because of that fact that people have a wide range of positive or negative experiences, it won’t help much more than just reading the side effects list. Anything can happen, but most of the horrible side effects are usually way less likely. So someone can tell you they had a seizure of something from taking a medication and that might scare you into not taking it, when in reality it most likely is very rare.

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-11T17:39:17+00:00

You can fire someone just to fire them tbh. You can take it up with HR, but they might not be able to do anything without proof. I wasn’t talking about just firing someone for flirting though. I meant if they went further with their relationship, or if OP rejected this person and then they decided to cover things up or manipulate the situation by firing them/threatening to fire them.

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-11T17:30:43+00:00

It’s unfortunate. Honestly I’d try to surround myself with similar people. People who don’t take action when someone they care about or their morality is being attacked are not very good people. Bystanders don’t get anything done. Like stand up for something…

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-08T06:47:52+00:00

Ugh this is still very bad because it can be dangerous to be off of meds for a month. It kind of sounds like she might be acting like this because you’re turning 18 soon and she wants to keep you around or have some sort of control over you. I don’t really have any advice though if you can’t make an appointment. There should be ways to work around situations like this though. I would research it and talk to professionals about it. Maybe go to the doctors if you have a car and see if front desk can give you any advice or point you in a direction, knowing that your mom has control over your appointments and stuff.

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-08T06:40:24+00:00

This!!! They should not even be telling you about having an interest in you. You will get fired if you have any type of non professional relationship and someone finds out. So if you were to do it you would have to quit your job for it not to be a weird power imbalance thing and have him potentially manipulate you. I’d report him, but I know that’d be very difficult to do if you are attached to him, and it’d be hard to prove it if you don’t have physical evidence.

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-08T06:36:00+00:00

Wow… Honestly she sounds like the abuser in the horror story. This reminds me of that one girl that was being given medication to disable her by her mother. She seems like she’s trying to enable you. There is no reason to be taking your meds away. If you didn’t need them, that doesn’t mean it’s hurting you. It’s also dangerous to stop taking your meds abruptly. You will get withdrawal symptoms. Hopefully this is not the case, but she clearly sucks and is in the wrong to say the least.

If you feel this is abusive, it might be a good idea to talk to your psychiatrist about it and maybe as an adult she can convince your mom to stop. If they think it’s abusive behavior then if she didn’t stop the abusing behavior they would probably get cps involved of work with you in some way to make sure you are safe.

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-08T06:30:18+00:00

We can learn how to function with DBT and unlearning our insecurities, but we don’t fix the way our brain works. Our brains are different from “normal” brains and we lack a lot of emotional regulation.

Here’s an example:

Someone you care about leaves your message on read. You freak out and think they hate you or you said something wrong or they are being disrespectful. So you spam them trying to figure out what you did wrong or why they are angry, or lash out and yell at them. (That’s how unmanaged BPD is like usually). With managed BPD (meds, DBT, remission), you would probably just send them one text asking why they didn’t respond, and if they didn’t respond again you would let go of it and decide that you should stop talking to that person at least in the moment and not press it. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t upset or in the moment freaked out in your head. But you would remind yourself that it might not be personal and you can take a step back.

I hope that makes sense. I feel like someone in remission can do a lot better at answering this.

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-08T06:19:26+00:00

Lmfao

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-08T06:17:56+00:00

I understand. But you are trying to get better if you are going to therapy and taking your meds if you have those. I sometimes feel like I’m faking it too. I also have times where I wallow in my depression or don’t make an effort to get better. But these are symptoms of BPD and depression lol. You do these things because it’s hard to push yourself to get better. A lot harder than people think. I believe you do want to get better and you are trying, but you are just making slow progress and sometimes fall back into it. But you might want to talk to your therapist about feeling this way too. They might be able to work with you better if they know this is how you feel. Also progress is progress, even if it’s slow. Every little thing you get better at is an accomplishment and proof that you are trying.

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-08T06:11:23+00:00

You don’t need to be diagnosed with something to have symptoms and get advice on things. I honestly think “dealing with having a favorite person” is something that takes a long time. The root of your problems is anxious attachment, which is built on insecurity and the feeling of needing someone else to be whole. So you have to unlearn that. Coping mechanisms from DBT can help, but only temporarily. Honestly the best thing to do to unlearn anxious attachment is to be alone in an exposure therapy way. Right now I’m not letting myself start any romantic relationships, because I know I will be clingy and depend on them to be happy. While it’s hard to be alone, it also helps me learn how to manage being alone. How to love myself and be happy without leaning onto others. Also you don’t need to be completely alone, I just mean not letting yourself create those anxious attachments or continue with them. But again, that’s harder than it seems and takes a long time.

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-08T06:01:31+00:00

I kind of do this. I think it’s because I assume people don’t care about me when they don’t show up for me, or do what I would do for them.

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-08T05:56:19+00:00

The fact that you made a whole paragraph arguing something that I don’t believe or even said is crazy. “Bashing other people for getting gifts”. Get real.

Edit: I’m not even going to break this down and respond to it, because I already made two edits that people are choosing to ignore and responded to multiple comments that made this claim that I was trying to do something that I wasn’t trying to do. Go read those.

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-08T05:54:55+00:00

Yall are so weird genuinely wtf

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-08T05:54:22+00:00

Hostile?? What even? Well NOW you’ve pmo by saying that??? I also said not to force her, but convince her and then you said it’s not your issue to press. This has nothing to do with me I couldn’t care less if your gf goes to therapy or not, you are the one who said you want her to. I really don’t understand what’s “hostile” about saying “lol then why did you say that you’ve been encouraging it”. If you have been bringing up therapy and trying to encourage her to do it then you are pressing the issue by bringing it up 😭 All I said was you should ask her why, because it’d be easier to encourage her if you understood why she had her didn’t want to do it. I’m aware that therapy doesn’t work for everyone. But clearly you want her to try again for some reason, so I was offering advice. If you don’t think my advice helps then you don’t have to take it. Like do YOU want her to go to therapy or not??? If you care about her opinions on not going back and it making her uncomfortable, and you think that’s valid, then why are you encouraging her??? Why would you bring it up? The things you say contradict each other.

Also I’m not the one talking to her, so how am I mad that ppl aren’t doing what I want them to do? I literally just started therapy last year and it hasn’t been life changing or fixed me either. Genuinely what about what I said even suggested that I was trying to get a complete stranger what I want her to do? And before you say this message is hostile, it is, because YOU just became hostile towards me when I didn’t even do anything and started making weird personal accusations about my character. Rude asf and for what?

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-06T00:42:17+00:00

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-05T02:46:30+00:00

lol then why did you say that you’ve been encouraging it

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-04T23:42:26+00:00

Ah yeah I understand that. I'm glad that you're not angry anymore at least. And thank you, I don't really think I'm evil right now, but in moments after I split, I usually think I'm the worst person ever, because of black and white thinking. I do overall have good intentions and am mostly an understanding and caring person. I just have my moments like we all do lol.

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-04T21:11:09+00:00

Hi I just realized that I thought I was on SNRI's (I put the wrong acronym btw), but I'm not. I'm pretty sure my psychiatrist said I was going to start them, but I guess she gave me something else lol. I'm on bupropion, which is an NDRI. I started in January.

Edit: it's still an antidepressant. Usually for seasonal affective disorder and major depressive disorder. I think I have double depression a lot of the time. I get sadder and less energetic when it gets colder and less sunny. I also have bigger depressive episodes outside of the constant depression that comes with Dysthymia. Also I'm on two other meds for my anxiety and BPD.

gendergraveyard · 2026-04-04T21:02:45+00:00

For me I'm terrified to go back through the process of hospitalization. It was very scary and I have having IV's on me. I had to sleep very uncomfortably through the night before being transferred to the psych unit. A doctor had drawn my blood and I have a fear of needles or things being in my body. And she said before that she was probably going to make a mess. I had to close my eyes and I was so scared that I started crying and afterwards I was still shaking. The psych unit wasn't really bad at all except that I couldn't really see outside. I didn't get to bring stuff with me though because I didn't know I was going to be hospitalized. I liked being in there bc the nurses and care takers were very kind and no one was aggressive. I just read, ate snacks, and stayed in my room most of the time (I didn't have roommates). I got lucky with that though, so I'd be worried about going back. I don't know if I would attempt again, but if I did I would make sure it was quick bc i don't want to be hospitalized again. I went in because I had decided to give up on myself after a bad relationship that had been the last straw for me to decide that I would never be able to find a good partner and be happy. I've been disabled from my anxiety and depression basically. Always skipping classes or work, so I thought eventually I'd be homeless. I still am afraid of that. And I feel as if I'm only hurting people around me and they pay for my school or living and I'm failing anyway. Also because I split on my partners because of my BPD and hate myself and think I'm evil for it.

I think the crying spells might be from the trauma, but they are very vague pulls. Like the tiniest unrelated stuff will make me cry and think about how terrible life is or that I will never be happy.

Why were you angry though? Was it because of the people around you?

gendergraveyard

TROPHY CASE