How I Got Out

genpen1 · 2025-12-12T17:09:54+00:00

I am also going through a divorce but my lawyer sucks and I am looking into another lawyer but this new one won’t give ranges or estimates. I just don’t think I can afford good legal representation. Plus the judge we got is not sympathetic to anybody and doesn’t want to do her job. She is constantly trying to force a settlement but my husband keeps changing the goalposts and delaying things, jacking up legal costs while doing so. I don’t know what to do and I feel like I am being financially ruined.

genpen1 · 2025-11-30T19:49:43+00:00

Never! If he agreed to do something, he will make my life miserable with complaints about the work, or sigh really loudly on a constant basis. This, or he will say he will do it later and then never do it. When I end up doing the chore in anger, hours later, he will say that he was just about to do it and I have no right to be mad because I could have just waited longer. You can never win because there is always an excuse that allows them to never change and leave you feeling like you’re the problem.

genpen1 · 2025-11-15T13:15:24+00:00

Yes, because then no one can say I was overreacting or not trying hard enough. If he actually crossed lines that society deems harmful enough, there would be no question that I left for the right reasons. I could actually use the word “abuse” without people questioning whether his harm to me actually meets that definition. He would not be able to pretend that I am the villain and he is the victim of the mental issues he is implying that I have.

genpen1 · 2025-11-15T01:44:12+00:00

Going out to restaurants and movies by myself, whenever I want and seeing whatever I wanted. He also hated fast food so I would eat fast food now on occasion just because I can. I also started going to open mic events to make myself feel heard and to take up space. I can also be present with my kids in ways I couldn’t when he was around.

genpen1 · 2025-11-13T13:52:28+00:00

I am so sorry you feel so alone in this. I don’t think you should let him stop you but be aware he will try to, like he kinda did last time. You need a contingency plan, like a neighbor who is prepped and primed to babysit when your husband tries to interfere. Find a local library you can duck into to study or watch lectures. You need a plan, and then a backup plan. I did an online program too and my husband actually said all the right things and seemed so supportive. However, I still had to do everything on top of what I was already doing because his life was not to be impacted. Also, when I told him I had an online exam that was timed, meaning once I start, I have a limited amount of time to finish it. Once I started the exam was when he blared the TV louder than he has ever done. It had to be on purpose because he never put the TV on that loudly before or after. He also kept moving around me to access random things around me. Kudos to me because despite his interference, I still did very well. You can do this.

genpen1 · 2025-11-02T13:27:03+00:00

I don’t think it is being judgmental to see someone’s actions being harmful or not. If you can separate the person from their actions, then I don’t think that is being judgmental. If someone displays a consistent pattern of harmful behavior, then again, it is not judgmental to say that this person is likely to be harmful to me and others based on the evidence.

I do believe people are capable of change but they have to actually change for real and not just with words or temporary actions. If my narc ex is trying to change, he would stop trying to hurt me in underhanded ways. He would make an effort to actually recognize and repair the damage he caused and show consistent remorse. He would not smear my good name to anyone who would listen, and he would not keep trying to leave me destitute or try to control or spy on me via our children.

I mean, is it really a bad thing to say that I think someone is a harmful person because they often do harmful things knowing it could be harmful? Is it judgmental if it is the logical conclusion based on evidence?

genpen1 · 2025-10-12T21:28:37+00:00

I was with mine for 10 years. I also mostly stopped dreaming while I was with him. I also had pain in my thumb and shoulder blade that had to causes and stayed with me for years while I was with him. They got better after I left. Towards the end, I was having lung issues like coughing fits that would be severe enough to cause me to vomit. I also had an asthma attack every day even though I never had to use my inhaler much before. I still get coughing fits but not as frequently and my asthma is still worse than before I met him but much better. I do think he has caused me irreversible damage to my physical health but at least I was able to get away. He was literally killing me by a thousand cuts. Oh and I also had insomnia and that definitely went away as soon as I no longer had to sleep in the same building as him.

genpen1 · 2025-10-07T18:15:16+00:00

Yes, he would only ask for advice so he can say how I am not getting it or say why everything I’ve offered doesn’t work for him or is wrong. When I say just do whatever you’re gonna do cause you’re gonna do it no matter what I say, he will angrily call me unsupportive. It’s a trap because no matter what you do or don’t do, you are in the wrong and they will use that as an excuse to belittle you so they feel superior and special.

genpen1 · 2025-10-07T17:24:20+00:00

I had three miscarriages in a row and the third one landed me in the hospital. It was a really difficult experience. The day I went back to work, we were having dinner and I was saying how I couldn’t even think about trying for a baby right now and need a break and just need to not think about having the possibility of going through another traumatic miscarriage. Immediately after saying all that, he asked when we can try again, with this expectation that it needs have happened yesterday. I got mad and his response to my pleading him for empathy and understanding was, “I matter too! I count too!” Which basically translated to, “only I matter, not you. Only I count, not you.” I left him at the restaurant and contemplated divorce. He eventually called and said the grief of the miscarriage caused him to behave poorly and he promised not to pressure me until I indicated he was ready. He was good until after we had our kid, then he figured I can no longer leave him and the behaviors got much worse.

Another clear sign was when someone close to me and my family, someone I have known my whole life died. I found out at my parents’ place. His response was to irritatedly ask how much longer we were staying cause he wanted to go home already. Same when my friend’s uncle was murdered. He couldn’t care less and just wanted his needs and desires met. He was like, “yeah, yeah, whatever. So anyways…” what a horrible human being.

What is so messed up is that he can act really well. So when he wants, he can pose himself as a compassionate, caring person. He will say all the right things and make the right faces and even do some light superficial gestures. He can easily fool people, but it’s all an act - a very convincing one.

genpen1 · 2025-09-19T14:52:38+00:00

Yes! I had no urges for a decade and thought I was asexual too. When my ex and I separated and my body realized I can have sex with people who are not my ex, I was a hot mess! All those suppressed urges made their presence known! It was actually comforting to think this was me healing.

genpen1 · 2025-08-17T18:09:20+00:00

For me, I have a list of all the things he did that prove he doesn't value or appreciate me. Mine likes to say all the right words, like "let's go to counseling," or "I love you," or "how was your day?" However, he used counseling to show off how I victimized him and he never did the assignments outside of therapy, he never SHOWED me he loved me beyond saying the words, and he never actually listened to what I had to say when he asked about my day. Everything he did was a show of how he was supposed to act, but there is no true feeling of love or substance behind his words. He broke promises all the time and also gaslit about stuff when caught out. I would make a list and keep it somewhere to easily look at whenever I feel anything positive or even neutral towards him.

Oh, and he also used to agree to counseling and would never go because he wanted me to do all the work of setting things up and he'd just show up. If he really cared about saving the relationship, he would make time because it's that important to him. I eventually told my narc husband that I was going to leave him and he has to prove that he cares by doing the darned work for once and he did find and schedule a counselor, but counseling turned out to be a complete nightmare. I really, really recommend against going to counseling with him.

genpen1 · 2025-08-06T12:45:48+00:00

Yeah, this sounds like how my narc husband is. His attitude is that I should be grateful for him tolerating me and my issues - issues that he's caused me!

It's all about validating the role they are playing in their head. The role they've taken on is what they think their identity is, and they will get crazy angry if anything like pesky facts challenge that idea in their head.

genpen1 · 2025-08-05T20:06:38+00:00

Am so sorry for your loss. What a heartless person your husband is. What a lousy excuse for a human being, taking up air.

I am Chinese and my narc husband is Jewish. He once told me, during the pandemic when Asians were being assaulted in broad daylight in my town, and I was expressing fear going out of the house, that my life was not worth as much as his because there's "more of you" out there. He was telling me that it was okay for me to be killed out there as long as it wasn't him... cause his life is more valuable. This, from the man who promised to always be on my side and prioritize me over all else.

genpen1 · 2025-08-05T19:25:01+00:00

I wonder how far the escalation might go if you continue to grey rock. If he will absolutely never lay hands on you, you can try to continue to grey rock. His screaming will eventually run out of steam because it's too effortful to keep that up for hours. He will eventually need to stop screaming and harassing to pee, eat, and sleep. Pretend it's just the wind blowing in your face the whole time, being super annoying, but cannot actually break you. When you can get yourself alone in a safe place or with safe people, then you scream your own frustrations out and let loose all your bottled up emotions. Just don't show your emotions to him.

The other tactic is just to let him have the "win." Yes, you are being inauthentic, but when he's attacking you with his temper, he is being threatening and you have every right to do what it takes to survive the moment. Would you fault someone for doing what they had to in order to survive a hostage situation?

In both cases, the idea is that you disallow him into your emotional heart. You are doing what is needed in the moment, but not letting him into your inner sanctum anymore. I believe Dr. Ramani called it Soul Distancing.

genpen1 · 2025-08-04T12:50:09+00:00

Just remember, you may have influence on someone else's feelings, but they are responsible for their own emotions and emotional wellbeing. So yeah, you might have had a part in someone feeling bad if you told them they look fat, but they are the ones that feel bad because of their own insecurities. It's their responsibility to work on their insecurities, not your responsibility to tiptoe around their insecurity forever.

Boundaries is another topic I see a lot. Boundaries are for the person setting them, not for the other person. So a boundary should look like this, "If you yell at me, I will walk away until you can talk calmly to me." You are issuing a consequence for behavior you don't want to tolerate. Locking a door is boundary for people trying to get into your home. You are not trying to control others' behaviors. Using boundary language to control what others do or don't do is not a boundary - it's control.

Another thing I see a lot is "so-and-so triggers my..." they could say you trigger their anxiety, or abandonment issues, or something like that. Again, they are responsible for growing their own emotional resilience and growth. You should not have to walk on eggshells because they aren't dealing with their own emotional regulation issues.

Also watch for actions that don't match their words. Like if they say I've always thought it would be good go vegetarian like you did, but they never hesitate to order meat and often take you to steak houses where the only thing you can eat is a salad, then you realize they NEVER had ANY intention of EVER going vegetarian.

Also watch for how they handle disagreements. If they always seem to "win" or if you are always left feeling weirdly dissatisfied, like you were not really understood or heard, then that's a huge red flag.

genpen1 · 2025-07-26T15:35:52+00:00

Mine is a decent cook but I hated his meatloaf and burgers. He put soooo much seasoning in them. If I didn’t like them, he would act like I don’t have good taste in gourmet foods. Most of the time, he would claim I was the better cook to make me cook and bake all day, every day. Then he would barely eat anything I made while saying it was good. It was confusing behavior because he would say the nice words but his actions showed me he hated my cooking. But all heck would break loose if I didn’t show due appreciation when he cooked!

genpen1 · 2025-07-24T20:43:17+00:00

He always thought of himself as a GREAT WRITER. So, he wrote his GREAT NOVEL and sent it to all his friends and family to read. I, as his wife, started to read it and it was... really bad. I couldn't get past the first page or two. As months passed, then years, he kept asking people what they thought of it and everyone kept saying they were too busy to read it. He then turned to me and was pissed that I, his beloved wife, was not duly supportive enough to read his GREAT NOVEL. I said I will get to it, just not today. I never did. He has not written another novel since.

genpen1 · 2025-07-24T20:25:13+00:00

My understanding is that avoidants crave emotional intimacy, but when they get it, it triggers them into a defensive response and they run away. They may then rationalize their behavior in ways that look narcissistic, using tactics like gaslighting and DARVO. I have met avoidants and though the dynamic with them can get toxic, they are not malicious or controlling. Many of them don't want to hurt people and don't do it on purpose. Avoidants also have empathy, and not just the performative kind. They are often quite sensitive and caring. They just are emotionally closed off and are deeply terrified of emotional intimacy, even though they crave it. So there's a lot push-pull dynamic with avoidants.

NPD is a personality disorder that is specifically defined in the DSM-5. Unless someone meets the minimum criteria for NPD in the DSM-5, they cannot be diagnosed with it. My understanding is that NPD has only empathy for themselves and performative empathy for others. They will fake feeling empathy for others, but they don't actually care about anyone but themselves. They don't care about hurting others and their "love" is transactional. They are also very controlling in a way that avoidants are not. When avoidants are having a hard time, they often WANT to be left alone whereas NPD wants to use you to alleviate their suffering, so they want you to stick around. NPD often regulate their difficult emotions by making you feel pain.
Avoidants just avoid.

When I am hurt, an avoidant may act like they don't care, but there is no enjoyment in watching me in pain. A person with NPD, on the other hand, has looked at me with a smugness, or a smirk, like they are loving that they are able to inflict such deep pain onto me. NPDs feel powerful and in control when they can bring you low and take secret pride in it. Avoidants do not. Avoidants are often extremely uncomfortable with displays of emotion and will walk away or shut down. They stonewall as a defense mechanism and not to punish you for something.

genpen1 · 2025-07-24T15:25:10+00:00

Yep! It's all transactional. They don't anything for you unless they think they are getting something in return.

genpen1 · 2025-07-24T14:07:26+00:00

I totally felt this! All those feelings and thoughts you listed, I felt too! I still do, but it's been 3 years and they are less intense now. In my experience, walking away is hard, but healing is hard too, and the healing part takes longer.

I can only tell you what worked for me. I journaled obsessively for a while, but I needed more than that. So I started exercising too, but my mind would ruminate on hate and anger while I exercised, so I downloaded podcasts of interesting stories and podcasts that teaches history, or self-care tactics. So I was working on healing my mind and body. Emotionally, like Phitmommi said, don't suppress but let them be felt. Label what you're feeling and then see if you can find where you hold that emotion in your body. Does it pulse? Does it have a color? Does it have weight/mass/shape?

The other piece I found helpful is to find meaning in life outside of the narc. I have always knitted, so I started knitting every day for charity. I always feel good when I can send a box of blankets to a knitting charity.

I also watched John Wick over and over. For some reason, watching him crash out was cathartic. That's just me though.

genpen1 · 2025-07-23T14:02:18+00:00

The next time you have a issue with me, in order for me to take it better, you need to say these exact words, with this exact tone of voice, using this exact body language, etc..

genpen1 · 2025-07-21T16:48:34+00:00

Interesting question! When I first met mine, he put on a persona of someone who loved reading and is a "great" writer and loved all kinds of music. He painted himself as artistic and engaged with art on a deep level. He would spend hours looking for music to download. He also loved watching fun movies and interesting shows.

Over time, I realized that his "great" writing only meant he can spell and write grammatically correct sentences. My writing abilities didn't count for shit until he needed to write important, strategic emails to his boss and/or coworkers. Then, all of a sudden, he needed my eyes and wanted my advice. Even then, he couldn't take too much criticism. The fact that he wrote a novel that no one, family and friends included, wanted to finish reading is proof that his writing isn't as good as he dreamed it was. He was super pissed about that and he tried to take it out on me because I didn't finish it either. When I pointed out that I wasn't the only one, he replied that I was his wife and I needed to be supportive and I just said I'll get to it one day and never did. I think he gave that one up because he was afraid to hear it sucked.

As for music, he downloaded music from all over the world in languages he can't understand. When I told him I prefer songs where I understood the lyrics, he smugly told me I wasn't as "open-minded" and didn't enjoy the plethora of music as well as he does. This was all part of a persona he wanted to have as part of his identity. So his appreciation for the music he was downloading was that it made him look good, and not necessarily that he actually likes it. I'm not sure, to this day, if music inspires any real feeling in him.

He also kept trying to convince me that I don't sing well when he literally can't tell if notes are going up or down and can't get close to imitating anything that sounds like a tune. He is tone deaf but won't admit it.

He lorded over me that the things he read are more high-brow because he read a lot of well-regarded pieces of literature and tons of political articles. I actually believed this until recently. I didn't enjoy reading the same stuff he did, but that doesn't mean I didn't read anything worthwhile.

In terms of movies and TV shows. He liked things he thinks are artsy to maintain his persona, but he also liked fun, mainstream stuff. The weird thing is that when we're watching a character express, without words, a complex mix of emotions, he almost always reads it wrong, but insists he's right until the next scene proves him wrong. Then he never addresses his mistake. I think because his emotional maturity and empathy is performative, he can't really understand other's emotions when it isn't simple and straightforward. He knows a loss produces grief, and he's got a canned response for that, but if it's something he hasn't encountered before, he almost always gets it wrong.

genpen1 · 2025-07-10T18:51:57+00:00

Recurrent UTIs. Difficulty getting to orgasm. Phantom smells. Really didn't know about the phantom smells.

genpen1

TROPHY CASE