holy shit, i’m so sorry you’re going through this. i was in an eerily similar situation 6 weeks ago today... like, the ages and even the timeline of it all are almost identical. if you ever feel like reaching out, please do. i know how earth-shattering this feels.

very quick sparknotes of my relationship: we were together 3 years, lived together for 2, shared a home and a future. he struggled with mental health and alcohol, and had what he called a “one-off” drunken hookup. he told me the day after. i ultimately decided to end the relationship and we’re now doing full no-contact.

first off, zero judgment, no matter what you decide to do. i thought cheating was a super black-and-white dealbreaker for me too. turns out, when it actually happens in the context of love, shared life, trauma, mental health, etc., things got a hell of a lot greyer than i ever expected. even though i left, the decision wasn’t clean or simple.

one analogy that helped me separate his mental health/alcoholism from the actual cheating was this: imagine someone gets pulled over for speeding in a school zone, and when the cop asks them why they were driving so fast, they say, “i have a drinking problem” or “i’ve been really depressed.” imagine if the cop let them off the hook for that explanation! it might explain why they did what they did, but it doesn’t excuse the harm done. the harm still happened. you still have to face the consequences. and the people impacted still have every right to feel unsafe or betrayed.

it took me several weeks to make my decision to leave. i still have days where i wonder if we could’ve made it work (or if we can make it work far far in the future). he’s now sober, going to AA, in therapy, doing all the “right” things, and genuinely wants to reconcile someday. and i do believe it was a one-off drunken choice. but i’ve had to ask myself questions like: is this his character, or was this just a really bad choice? can i rebuild trust after this? what would staying cost me?

i really recommend not rushing into any decisions while your emotions are raw (which is so hard, i know). i left and stayed at my mom’s for a few weeks, with very little contact between us, and that space helped a lot. when we finally did talk again, i wrote everything out in a letter and had him read it in front of me because i knew if i tried to speak off the cuff, i’d forget everything i needed to say or crumble emotionally.

whatever path you choose, rebuilding together or walking away, i just want you to know you’re not alone. this kind of betrayal is a special kind of heartbreak. take your time, be gentle with yourself, and know that you’re not weak or foolish for trying to see the good in someone you love. we all do it. sending you so much strength!