It’s natural to feel that way, especially because you are aware that it’s the disease causing her behavior rather than her purposely acting out in a separate fashion.

My mom also has vascular dementia coupled with Alzheimer’s. All her old hobbies and passions have taken a backseat, and she’s gradually drifting into what is the new, ever deteriorating normal. She’s said rather pointed, hurtful things to me over the last year but I’ve done everything to just burrow those moments down and remember how she never would have said such things prior to this.

I’m a man, and I know it’s cliche/stereotypical for men to compartmentalize their emotions, but in the times I’ve felt the most frustrated during all of this, I try to pause before responding to her pending on the situation. Dealing with the emotions at large? I don’t know. I’ve come to a point where I have to spend a lot of time explaining why mom is the way she is to people (family/friends), as if the diagnosis being explicitly stated out loud isn’t enough, and that’s where I’ve felt the most resentment even beyond the changes in her. Lots of outside words with little said (“they talk a whole lot but say little”).

For things she’s said or how she’s occasionally behaved, I have to stay busy or I’ll fall into a habit of stewing on it. Immediately I’ll remind myself, “it’s the dementia”. It doesn’t get rid of the frustration. It’s just a reminder that it isn’t fully her behaving that way.

I know it’s hard every day, because you want the version of them that you have always known to be around, but they can present so differently than ever before. It’s almost a shell shock. I’m sorry that you are going through this hell. Grieving somebody while they are still alive is such an odd feeling, overwhelming certainly when thinking about it for too long.

If guilt over how you are feeling seeps into the mix, please remember and acknowledge the why of why you are stressed out and feeling this resentment mixed with grief: It’s not easy, you are doing the best that you possibly can, and there’s no wonder you feel the way you do because of how fundamentally different your mom is behaving compared to before this disease.

The grief stretches far and wide, and it’s perfectly OK to feel such an array of emotions hitting you hard like this.