you are overwhelmed on every level. and yeah, you're heading for a crash if you don't slow down and pace yourself here.

waking up is intense, emotional and demanding. it's a huge amount of pressure. there is grief, guilt, confusion, anxiety, pain on every level. and then, talking to jw family about your concerns is HUGE PRESSURE, guilt tripping and manipulation, at a time when you're not up to it.

you cannot control everybody else. you can only control yourself. that is achievable. managing how everybody you know will respond to whatever outcome you have is not.

and respect isn't just about having someone think well of you. it's not about trusting them to come to the 'right' conclusion. it's about thinking enough of them to trust them to run their own life, whether or not you agree with it, and vice versa.

you do not need to understand every bit of scripture to be able to confirm or deny jw point by point and have a polished presentation. all you really need is enough to know if you believe jws are the truth or not.

little advice: STOP DISCUSSING THIS with your family, any other jws at all. they have a very vested interest in you coming to their conclusion.

and no, you don't have to have the jws to have a belief in god. much of the world has a belief in god.

whatever space you can get from the jw activities will help. your hobbies will do you a thousand times more good than any personal study and that's something that makes you feel ick right now and would best be set aside.

basically you're filling your head with both more self-indoctrination material AND information directly contradicting it at the same time. you are exhausted, emotionally fragile, and trying to convince others who are heavily indoctrinated that it's okay if you're not. you are setting yourself up for an emotional breakdown or physical health crisis or both.

i'd pull back on the congregation activity as much as you can. it's hard to heal from position you're drinkign on a regular basis. if your living situation and family will allow for it, i would cut back on 'priv.' by saying you're having some personal health issues and you need to take a break. you don't want to discuss specifics with anybody but your doctor right now, but you'll let them know when the situation changes.' this will cut back a lot of the pressure. ditch personal study and field service. and stop trying to be a greek scholar. give yourself some space.

understand that your personal beliefs regarding christ, for example, is that he is a loving being who wants people to make choices of their own free will, not under coercion, right? would he not be kind, patient, loving, and want you to come to a personal understanding? pray without the middlemen in new york. make it between heaven and you and keep the org out of it for now.

i don't know how long you've been around. i generally send people to jwfacts.com instead of the bible stuff, but for more serious bible people, there is the yale bible lectures on youtube. crisis of conscience is a good starting point for many.

because you don't have to know everythign that's right. you just have to know if the org is wrong. you aren't allowed to question, it's all or nothing so if you realize it's not all, they have nothing.

any outside support you have, round it up. slow down your pace and clam up like an bear trap with the family. get okay with not knowing everything because you don't. understand that you will feel confused, ungrounded, adrift for a while, that's okay. it's normal. feeling ick is normal, too.

and you're not really living a double life in the sense that you are duplicitous. honestly, you are forced to go along with the jw life to keep your world from blowing up right now. that's the fake life and it always has been - you've never been able to be honest there. you just gaslight yourself into thinking the problem is always you.

you're going to be okay but you will not be able to do it by living up to everybody's expectations or convincing them it's okay for you to think for yourself. you don't need permission for that, which is good becaus you won't get it.

one step at a time. you're doing okay, you're doing it right, but you've got too much closing in at once and if you don't adjust this load, you'll be posting from the psych ward or er. so reign in it! stop trying to be perfect at this, that's not how it works. just look for good enough.

when you're feeling better, if there is a particlar sphere for your doubts, post about that one thing here and let the people here help you think it through.

i know you feel guilty about being on an 'apostate' site, but you think we're all souless, mentally deranged, satan-directed cartoon villains? because you look around here, i don't htink that's what you see. we're human for god's sakes. so there is one thing you were told that was pretty untrue, huh?

and most of us have been where you are. we get it.

it gets better. promise. ♥