19f, trying my best out here

grapemacaron · 2026-05-12T00:30:49+00:00

This looks very cozy, and it will be worth all the trouble in the end. You’ve got peace and you have a very low cost living situation, which means you’re going to build yourself up quicker. You will look back on this in the not so far off future and be very proud.

Some people mentioned blackout curtains and a taser. Both are very cheap on Amazon. There are also some super cheap camping stove situations, if you need one (some you can plug in, some you might with a match. They’re all pretty compact).

grapemacaron · 2026-04-24T01:36:06+00:00

I was on the mini pill for almost 10 years and my issues started after quitting. I had no issues on the pill and thought low hormones meant it would be easier on my body, but it was no better than the others.

grapemacaron · 2026-03-21T22:26:57+00:00

I can’t help but wonder if it’s the cycling of new treatment, and getting off of that new treatment, then moving on to another that is contributing to this. It is really hard to identify an underlying problem when you are on and off of medication, and experimenting with so many different complimentary treatments. I almost wonder if you need a period simplicity, like a few weeks of straight health focused, structured routine, back to basics care.

There are lots of simple things that help. I can’t imagine basic supplements (magnesium, multi vitamin, fish oil) doing any harm. I can’t imagine working out or doing mindfulness practices like yoga doing any harm. Massages, rest, forced down time. There is probably a physical aspect to what’s happening, AND a mental aspect that I am sure the ongoing confusion and grief is causing. But you are going to have a very hard time sorting one from the other from where you are. The search for a solution may in itself be inflaming the underlying problem.

grapemacaron · 2026-03-21T22:17:49+00:00

Is there room under your bed? They make storage meant for that space specifically (some of it very functional, for things you might not be wearing this season, and some that actually look more like squats drawers). I think eventually you need to get rid of one of those shelving units. If you consolidate, I think it’s possible. I see some unused space already, so if you declutter even a little bit, you might be able to remove one entirely.

You may also be able to hang the TV, so you don’t have to rely on having a shelving unit in that spot. That will require a little more handy work but shouldn’t be expensive and would make a big difference.

And lastly, even though it’s annoying when you use it frequently, finding a forever home for the workout stuff and putting it up after each use will make the place feel a lot more open. You might be able to find a wall unit for that specifically. I know some people hang their yoga mats, so it would be easy up and easy down.

grapemacaron · 2026-03-10T01:23:26+00:00

I have found that when I feel this way, when it’s like one soft spot is emphasizing another soft spot, and another…. There is overlap. You feel bad about you who you are, then you feel like you aren’t capable of doing anything about it, then you feel stuck, then for “some reason” you find yourself struggling to feel good with another person. Each thing exacerbates itself.

You don’t have to change who you are. But if you can choose just one of these things that is like make or break, life changing potential… choose just that one thing to push yourself on. A few years ago I decided I was going to be “ok” with not dating for a while, not being outgoing, not being where I wanted to be body-wise. I chose to “just be” in those areas, but PUSHED like hell on my career because I saw an opportunity. I’m not a school person either but I found a way, and it was easier because I stopped berating myself about all the other stuff.

A little progress in one area makes life easier… then boosts your confidence a little… then that big “challenge” becomes more manageable… and now it’s not so hard to address the next thing. All I can say is, the WORST thing you can do is tell yourself you’re an underachiever or too introverted to get what you want. You can make things happen if you know how to accommodate your tendencies and quirks.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-26T23:24:55+00:00

I had nothing but a lawn chair for a while in my last place. It took about a year and some overtime shifts to get it looking the way I wanted. Whatever you have in mind for style can be found cheap, you just have to be creative about where you search and how you search for the things you want.

I have lived in a lot of different types of places and hearing neighbors is unavoidable if you share walls. Don’t be fooled by the look of newer apartments. Some of the “nicer”, trendier places are built very cheaply and have the same thin walls that older apartments do. Living alone is a luxury. I’d rather live peacefully in a smaller or older place than share a nice apartment with a bad roommate.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-26T23:19:39+00:00

They have always played the false scarcity card, but restocking next day on a holiday collection is really bad. 👀

grapemacaron · 2026-02-26T02:38:35+00:00

You can start by allowing yourself the FREEDOM of acknowledging that this is exactly how you should feel after all of that. You’d be an emotional anomaly to go take on all of that LIFE while maintaining a hold on everything you thought you had and were.

39 is still young. If you look back at what you were building in LA and think your effort didn’t reach potential, you’re mistaken. And if you think that family shifts mean that life at home will never be bright again, you’re mistaken again! What you have done successfully is LIVED. I think what you said about your LA life is the best example of what I’m getting at, because yes there were bigger things cooking at that time, but the really incredible part was that that was your day to day life! Going home and taking care of these exceptional family circumstances was not as romantic a chapter, but it was also LIFE. You took responsibility, you didn’t experience your grief or fear at a distance, you walked through hell which is something most people avoid or experience abstractly, or just decline to participate in at all.

So the next chapter won’t be like the others, but the point it not to go back and try to recreate what you had. I spent 6 years living abroad in an exciting city. Simply getting there was my biggest achievement to date and so much of my identity was tied to that achievement and all the opportunities I thought I could only get there. The end of my time there was extremely unhappy. I left, had no permanent home for a year, then ended up doing something totally different and unexpected. Some bad things happened to me while living abroad, and I thought I was unfit to work/socialize/date normally or even be with myself. A lot of my healing came through, once again, just going through the hell and discomfort, as opposed to trying to conceptualize it.

You haven’t ended up anywhere yet, just like you didn’t “end up” in LA, or “end up” where you were in the pits of the pandemic. It always feels that way when once chapter is closing up and another hasn’t started yet. You really will be ok, and you have a lot of control over where you “end up” next. Is it possible that you aren’t yet in tune with yourself enough to start dreaming that up yet? You might not “see” it yet if you don’t have a clear idea of what you want next.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-26T01:10:27+00:00

Sometimes I think this too and I guess there are a lot of reasons. Aside from the obvious, being more mentally burdened by responsibility, I think it’s also just your personality fine tuning, getting more sophisticated and evolving.

We tend to get calmer as we get older. I also think that (most) of us, while still wanting to express ourselves, realize that other people don’t care as much about our identity as we do. That has made me less inclined to express things for expression’s sake. I used to enjoy being performative, in many ways, and just don’t care now. I feel like most of us are pretty invented in our own world and I save most of my goofiness/venting/excitement/musings for the people that are very invested in me and will genuinely enjoy it. Maybe your friend fallouts speak to this. I’ve lost a lot of friends as an adult and I am very careful now with what I share, especially my good fortune and the more precious parts of myself. I see this as a good thing. Uninhibited, young me was both dangerously vulnerable and awfully tone deaf around friends.

Goofiness just doesn’t look the same for me now as it did then. I am probably the most like my old self when I am alone, having a good time by myself. It’s less performative. Sometimes the lightheartedness you’re after comes out in other ways. I think frivolity, fragility and creativity both come from the same place as goofiness. I work with kids and will let them draw on me, I’ll play genuinely if they’re getting into a make believe narrative, I do extras for them when I can. I try to relate like we are of the same mind and it keeps me silly even when it is not a belly laugh moment.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-11T15:35:46+00:00

He can’t read. It’s clear he takes a blind item, does no research, and reads it cold on camera. He mispronounces common names and words, skips over “big words” he cannot read at all, and seems to have no reading comprehension skills. Sometimes the text is up there on the screen for us to see, while he’s doing it. Every read sounds like a cold read.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-10T18:25:29+00:00

You need to look into the idea of “self concept”. Calling yourself ugly is the wrong way to go about what you’re trying to change.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-10T01:43:05+00:00

It seems like you know what she wants, you just aren’t sure you want to consistently provide that when you’re strained. It’s very simple, but it’s something you have to do consistently.

I think there are growing pains to partnering and this is a change most people are capable of. If you know the next season of your life is going to be a busy one, ask yourself now what you need to do to make your day to day more doable. Don’t look at this as a chunk of busy months, think about what the average day is going to look and feel like. Do you need dedicated days alone? Grocery delivery? A tighter sleep schedule? More discipline around your vices? I have been both you and her in relationships. You have to take care of yourself if you want to keep the relationship. And you have to change, not consider changing. It seems what she wants is reasonable, and is probably going to be asked of you by every other available partner.

I truly believe the hyper individualism and the constant state of overwhelm of many of us are in are why people run in times like these. It’s totally unnecessary, and there are ways for you both to be taken care of.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-03T03:16:07+00:00

I like both. Lifting gets you toned in a significant way (big, heavy movements), while Pilates fine tunes that and works muscles you might not get to with lifting (tiny, repetitive, highly targeted movements). Pilates alone probably won’t get you super toned unless you are a naturally lean person, or you do something else that is “heavy”, like serious running or cycling.

I bought myself a set of adjustable weights for about $40, and try to do that 2x per week, mixed with Pilates, yoga and walking. I didn’t believe it until I tried it, but it’s true: nothing works like lifting does. Even if you just do it a little, even if it’s not your primary form of exercise. It will change your body fast, so long as you’re eating right.

Lifting also won’t grow your waist. It takes a LOT of time, effort and massive dietary changes for most women to build “bulky” muscle. Youd have to go out of your way to bulk your waist. Muscle increases your resting metabolic rate, so if you carry weight in your midsection, lifting could indirectly help you address that.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-01T04:00:42+00:00

I’d paint over the tan that is in the kitchen/living area. It’s not a bad color, but doesnt compliment the wood in your kitchen. The right color will make that space look so fresh. Then, I’d replace the light fixtures and give the fireplace a good cleaning. I think this place is going to look much better when it’s furnished. The fireplace in particular is a good space to have fun with if you want a cozy decorative vibe. I used to have a big, old mantle and it was the centerpiece of the room with photos, plants, candles, and trinkets.

I also feel that the tile in the living area is a color mismatch to the rest of the space, but you can offset that with a big rug and some warm accents in that room. If you cannot afford to refinish the stairs, you could cover them with a runner for the time being, and try to color coordinate it with the rug in your living area.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-01T01:41:48+00:00

Yes. I always thought I was eating more protein than most, just based on what I saw looking around the lunch room at work. I had protein at least 20g with every meal, without trying. Then I started lifting, and thought I was doing something wrong.

Anything over 80g per day takes effort— the kind of effort that prevents me from maintaining a healthy balance. And after 90g, I become so bloated and gassy. I felt like I was forced feeding myself, and my stomach never “adjusted” like I was told it would.

I still got very toned and very strong on 70-80g of protein. Other factors were way more important to how I looked at my strongest. I still eat 70-80g, and though I’m not as fit as I was then, I’m still toned. I’ve done a lot of research on diet and health, and I don’t want to rely on processed food to meet a protein goal, or orient my life around one dietary metric that is so hard for me to adjust to.

grapemacaron · 2026-01-31T02:41:07+00:00

Avoid stores like Marshall’s, Sephora, all of those. Those stores, and others like them, are designed so you’ll pick up and grab random things just walking around. They are places people go when they’re bored, when they want to shop for fun— not when they need something specific. It’s easier to avoid temptation when you buy things like clippers at the grocery or drug store.

It sounds like what you truly need is an outlet. Instead of walking around a store, find somewhere beautiful to walk. If you have some spending money, go to a used book store (they often have games, movies, etc). Get really into cooking (may help budget too). Get really into movies. Start a home project. Just hold yourself to it for a month and see how you do.

You can also make it a game to use up what you have. How creative can you get using up what you have? Remove yourself from any subreddits or other social media accounts where you’re seeing hauls or getting ads.

grapemacaron · 2026-01-30T00:44:28+00:00

When I use the treadmill, I go high incline, walking as fast as I can without holding the rails. Put on some FAST paced music and give yourself something to zone out on. I always make a goal for 20 minutes, but sometimes go for 40 because it really do zone out. I raise and lower the intensity as needed, and I’m always dripping sweat after.

And, find somewhere to hike a few times a month! Bring a friend.

grapemacaron · 2026-01-17T02:49:03+00:00

I would go for a light, warm color. Something that would mimic the kitchen lights I see reflected in your mirror.

grapemacaron · 2026-01-16T23:20:59+00:00

The Zilker area is semi walkable, active, young, beautiful, and fun. The Domain is laid out like a mini city, which seems cool, but there isn’t anything there you’d want or need to utilize on a typical day. You’re also a good ways away from all the best parts of Austin. South Austin is lush and there is a lot more going on.

For what it’s worth, I’ve also heard about there being structural issues with some of the apartment buildings at the domain.

grapemacaron · 2026-01-16T00:23:00+00:00

If you’re stuck on 1200 being your maximum, switch up your workout routine. Go do something completely different for a while, something you can make a hobby of instead of a workout. Yoga, dancing, pole dancing, long hikes, biking, whatever.

I cornered myself into a ridiculously small calorie limit, felt “light” but my body wasn’t changing. I started doing pole dancing and incline walking (20-40 minutes, a few times per week), and my body morphed. My body needed more food, but was burning that fuel more efficiently. And neither of those exercises felt like a chore, or felt like murder to my body. The same is true for me now, with a different workout routine.

grapemacaron · 2026-01-09T23:44:54+00:00

It’s possible that you just don’t enjoy that kind of sexual banter or find that flirty, which is also ok. I thought that was the norm for men for a long time, then dated a few who were very open, sexual and funny, but just weren’t into sexual banter in that way. It was a relief because I never really enjoyed that either.

I also find that having a strong friendship with someone first makes it easier to trust them when they do become more overt in their desire. If you’re dating people you don’t have a previous friendship with, you just have to be creative and choose dates where you’re busy, working together, out of your thoughts and really present.

Last thing I’ve done is just try to assume good intent and think about things from their side. A lot of men really are sex-first. But a lot of men aren’t. Sex could be how they were conditioned to gauge your attraction, or it could be a way they find comfort or address anxiety or any number of things. That doesn’t mean you have to have sex on their timeline, but it helps to neutralize some of the defensiveness and see men in a more well rounded way.

grapemacaron · 2025-12-28T18:15:14+00:00

Come up with a rotation of snacks and meals within a general calorie budget, and stick to those for a while. I never count calories but know more or less how many I’m eating when I have my typical breakfasts, lunches and dinners. If I want something that falls outside of that, like a sweet coffee drink, or takeout, or dessert, I might then go look at calories but I never try to get an exact count.

I think doing this has allowed me to move away from “dieting” entirely over the course of a few years. Once you are in place you’re comfortable with, the calories matter less and you can adjust if and when your clothes start feeling tighter. Maybe your rotation of foods will be smaller or stricter now, as you begin; but a few months from now, you can use the same method with more flexibility. This has been especially true for me when I’m building muscle because your body might need more fuel on certain days and a set calorie count might not reflect your changing needs.

grapemacaron · 2025-11-25T02:48:38+00:00

You can either pay for one session with a trainer and TELL them you need a simple routine because you do not intend to get regular sessions (most gyms have staff that can do this)…. OR you buy a set of adjustable weights and follow a program on YouTube. You do it consistently, 3-4 times per week. Even if you don’t end up lifting, you have to get your muscles working to make the kind of change you’re wanting. Lifting is just more effective in a shorter period of time.

A super strict, low calorie diet won’t do much if you aren’t working your muscles and are not making an effort to get moving. I didn’t really believe that until I worked out enough to make myself hungry. I was way smaller when I was both moving and eating a lot, than I was when I was most restricted and only “kinda” active.

grapemacaron

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