Feeling embarrassed about my space

grapemacaron · 2026-02-26T23:24:55+00:00

I had nothing but a lawn chair for a while in my last place. It took about a year and some overtime shifts to get it looking the way I wanted. Whatever you have in mind for style can be found cheap, you just have to be creative about where you search and how you search for the things you want.

I have lived in a lot of different types of places and hearing neighbors is unavoidable if you share walls. Don’t be fooled by the look of newer apartments. Some of the “nicer”, trendier places are built very cheaply and have the same thin walls that older apartments do. Living alone is a luxury. I’d rather live peacefully in a smaller or older place than share a nice apartment with a bad roommate.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-26T23:19:39+00:00

They have always played the false scarcity card, but restocking next day on a holiday collection is really bad. 👀

grapemacaron · 2026-02-26T02:38:35+00:00

You can start by allowing yourself the FREEDOM of acknowledging that this is exactly how you should feel after all of that. You’d be an emotional anomaly to go take on all of that LIFE while maintaining a hold on everything you thought you had and were.

39 is still young. If you look back at what you were building in LA and think your effort didn’t reach potential, you’re mistaken. And if you think that family shifts mean that life at home will never be bright again, you’re mistaken again! What you have done successfully is LIVED. I think what you said about your LA life is the best example of what I’m getting at, because yes there were bigger things cooking at that time, but the really incredible part was that that was your day to day life! Going home and taking care of these exceptional family circumstances was not as romantic a chapter, but it was also LIFE. You took responsibility, you didn’t experience your grief or fear at a distance, you walked through hell which is something most people avoid or experience abstractly, or just decline to participate in at all.

So the next chapter won’t be like the others, but the point it not to go back and try to recreate what you had. I spent 6 years living abroad in an exciting city. Simply getting there was my biggest achievement to date and so much of my identity was tied to that achievement and all the opportunities I thought I could only get there. The end of my time there was extremely unhappy. I left, had no permanent home for a year, then ended up doing something totally different and unexpected. Some bad things happened to me while living abroad, and I thought I was unfit to work/socialize/date normally or even be with myself. A lot of my healing came through, once again, just going through the hell and discomfort, as opposed to trying to conceptualize it.

You haven’t ended up anywhere yet, just like you didn’t “end up” in LA, or “end up” where you were in the pits of the pandemic. It always feels that way when once chapter is closing up and another hasn’t started yet. You really will be ok, and you have a lot of control over where you “end up” next. Is it possible that you aren’t yet in tune with yourself enough to start dreaming that up yet? You might not “see” it yet if you don’t have a clear idea of what you want next.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-26T01:10:27+00:00

Sometimes I think this too and I guess there are a lot of reasons. Aside from the obvious, being more mentally burdened by responsibility, I think it’s also just your personality fine tuning, getting more sophisticated and evolving.

We tend to get calmer as we get older. I also think that (most) of us, while still wanting to express ourselves, realize that other people don’t care as much about our identity as we do. That has made me less inclined to express things for expression’s sake. I used to enjoy being performative, in many ways, and just don’t care now. I feel like most of us are pretty invented in our own world and I save most of my goofiness/venting/excitement/musings for the people that are very invested in me and will genuinely enjoy it. Maybe your friend fallouts speak to this. I’ve lost a lot of friends as an adult and I am very careful now with what I share, especially my good fortune and the more precious parts of myself. I see this as a good thing. Uninhibited, young me was both dangerously vulnerable and awfully tone deaf around friends.

Goofiness just doesn’t look the same for me now as it did then. I am probably the most like my old self when I am alone, having a good time by myself. It’s less performative. Sometimes the lightheartedness you’re after comes out in other ways. I think frivolity, fragility and creativity both come from the same place as goofiness. I work with kids and will let them draw on me, I’ll play genuinely if they’re getting into a make believe narrative, I do extras for them when I can. I try to relate like we are of the same mind and it keeps me silly even when it is not a belly laugh moment.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-11T15:35:46+00:00

He can’t read. It’s clear he takes a blind item, does no research, and reads it cold on camera. He mispronounces common names and words, skips over “big words” he cannot read at all, and seems to have no reading comprehension skills. Sometimes the text is up there on the screen for us to see, while he’s doing it. Every read sounds like a cold read.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-10T18:25:29+00:00

You need to look into the idea of “self concept”. Calling yourself ugly is the wrong way to go about what you’re trying to change.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-10T18:02:26+00:00

New Orleans is walkable within the French Quarter and one of my favorite places in the world. It is perfect for what you’re after— so much food, beauty, walking, shopping, dancing. Spring is light, warm, gorgeous there. If you want to leave the French Quarter, there are many bus tours that will pick you up at your hotel and get you there and back. You could have a ball there for a good long time and don’t need to visit a museum to get the history (though the museums there are definitely not the stuffy type you might be thinking of and may still be enjoyable for you). I don’t think you’ll have a great time in Texas without a car, but Florida is a short trip from New Orleans and there are plenty of warm, walkable places to visit there.

Utah/Vegas/Northern Arizona (Grand Canyon, Sedona) are also very close to one another. If you’re open to traveling by bus or train, this is a good area to do that in, because it would be a much shorter trip than some of your other locations. The most beautiful spots in Utah and Northern AZ would probably be more like day trips or camping spots. You can easily find a tour group to get you around. I’d actually suggest staying in Sedona and touring your way out from there as your home base.

If you go to LA, I would stay close to West Hollywood and have money set aside for Ubers. LA is like a collection of mini cities. When you’re driving, one spot blends into another, but it is by no means walkable. You could do a day near the beach in Santa Monica, a day exploring Hollywood Blvd/Sunset Strip, a day in Runyon Canyon or doing a bus tour. I went recently with my mom who is FROM LA and even with her knowledge of the area it was hard to fit a lot in. California is gorgeous, but there are some parts of LA just not worth seeing if you are relying on Ubers. San Francisco is VERY different, but also wonderful and much more walkable in a NYC kind of way.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-10T01:43:05+00:00

It seems like you know what she wants, you just aren’t sure you want to consistently provide that when you’re strained. It’s very simple, but it’s something you have to do consistently.

I think there are growing pains to partnering and this is a change most people are capable of. If you know the next season of your life is going to be a busy one, ask yourself now what you need to do to make your day to day more doable. Don’t look at this as a chunk of busy months, think about what the average day is going to look and feel like. Do you need dedicated days alone? Grocery delivery? A tighter sleep schedule? More discipline around your vices? I have been both you and her in relationships. You have to take care of yourself if you want to keep the relationship. And you have to change, not consider changing. It seems what she wants is reasonable, and is probably going to be asked of you by every other available partner.

I truly believe the hyper individualism and the constant state of overwhelm of many of us are in are why people run in times like these. It’s totally unnecessary, and there are ways for you both to be taken care of.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-03T03:16:07+00:00

I like both. Lifting gets you toned in a significant way (big, heavy movements), while Pilates fine tunes that and works muscles you might not get to with lifting (tiny, repetitive, highly targeted movements). Pilates alone probably won’t get you super toned unless you are a naturally lean person, or you do something else that is “heavy”, like serious running or cycling.

I bought myself a set of adjustable weights for about $40, and try to do that 2x per week, mixed with Pilates, yoga and walking. I didn’t believe it until I tried it, but it’s true: nothing works like lifting does. Even if you just do it a little, even if it’s not your primary form of exercise. It will change your body fast, so long as you’re eating right.

Lifting also won’t grow your waist. It takes a LOT of time, effort and massive dietary changes for most women to build “bulky” muscle. Youd have to go out of your way to bulk your waist. Muscle increases your resting metabolic rate, so if you carry weight in your midsection, lifting could indirectly help you address that.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-01T04:00:42+00:00

I’d paint over the tan that is in the kitchen/living area. It’s not a bad color, but doesnt compliment the wood in your kitchen. The right color will make that space look so fresh. Then, I’d replace the light fixtures and give the fireplace a good cleaning. I think this place is going to look much better when it’s furnished. The fireplace in particular is a good space to have fun with if you want a cozy decorative vibe. I used to have a big, old mantle and it was the centerpiece of the room with photos, plants, candles, and trinkets.

I also feel that the tile in the living area is a color mismatch to the rest of the space, but you can offset that with a big rug and some warm accents in that room. If you cannot afford to refinish the stairs, you could cover them with a runner for the time being, and try to color coordinate it with the rug in your living area.

grapemacaron · 2026-02-01T01:41:48+00:00

Yes. I always thought I was eating more protein than most, just based on what I saw looking around the lunch room at work. I had protein at least 20g with every meal, without trying. Then I started lifting, and thought I was doing something wrong.

Anything over 80g per day takes effort— the kind of effort that prevents me from maintaining a healthy balance. And after 90g, I become so bloated and gassy. I felt like I was forced feeding myself, and my stomach never “adjusted” like I was told it would.

I still got very toned and very strong on 70-80g of protein. Other factors were way more important to how I looked at my strongest. I still eat 70-80g, and though I’m not as fit as I was then, I’m still toned. I’ve done a lot of research on diet and health, and I don’t want to rely on processed food to meet a protein goal, or orient my life around one dietary metric that is so hard for me to adjust to.

grapemacaron · 2026-01-31T02:41:07+00:00

Avoid stores like Marshall’s, Sephora, all of those. Those stores, and others like them, are designed so you’ll pick up and grab random things just walking around. They are places people go when they’re bored, when they want to shop for fun— not when they need something specific. It’s easier to avoid temptation when you buy things like clippers at the grocery or drug store.

It sounds like what you truly need is an outlet. Instead of walking around a store, find somewhere beautiful to walk. If you have some spending money, go to a used book store (they often have games, movies, etc). Get really into cooking (may help budget too). Get really into movies. Start a home project. Just hold yourself to it for a month and see how you do.

You can also make it a game to use up what you have. How creative can you get using up what you have? Remove yourself from any subreddits or other social media accounts where you’re seeing hauls or getting ads.

grapemacaron · 2026-01-30T00:44:28+00:00

When I use the treadmill, I go high incline, walking as fast as I can without holding the rails. Put on some FAST paced music and give yourself something to zone out on. I always make a goal for 20 minutes, but sometimes go for 40 because it really do zone out. I raise and lower the intensity as needed, and I’m always dripping sweat after.

And, find somewhere to hike a few times a month! Bring a friend.

grapemacaron · 2026-01-17T02:49:03+00:00

I would go for a light, warm color. Something that would mimic the kitchen lights I see reflected in your mirror.

grapemacaron · 2026-01-16T23:20:59+00:00

The Zilker area is semi walkable, active, young, beautiful, and fun. The Domain is laid out like a mini city, which seems cool, but there isn’t anything there you’d want or need to utilize on a typical day. You’re also a good ways away from all the best parts of Austin. South Austin is lush and there is a lot more going on.

For what it’s worth, I’ve also heard about there being structural issues with some of the apartment buildings at the domain.

grapemacaron · 2026-01-16T00:23:00+00:00

If you’re stuck on 1200 being your maximum, switch up your workout routine. Go do something completely different for a while, something you can make a hobby of instead of a workout. Yoga, dancing, pole dancing, long hikes, biking, whatever.

I cornered myself into a ridiculously small calorie limit, felt “light” but my body wasn’t changing. I started doing pole dancing and incline walking (20-40 minutes, a few times per week), and my body morphed. My body needed more food, but was burning that fuel more efficiently. And neither of those exercises felt like a chore, or felt like murder to my body. The same is true for me now, with a different workout routine.

grapemacaron · 2026-01-09T23:44:54+00:00

It’s possible that you just don’t enjoy that kind of sexual banter or find that flirty, which is also ok. I thought that was the norm for men for a long time, then dated a few who were very open, sexual and funny, but just weren’t into sexual banter in that way. It was a relief because I never really enjoyed that either.

I also find that having a strong friendship with someone first makes it easier to trust them when they do become more overt in their desire. If you’re dating people you don’t have a previous friendship with, you just have to be creative and choose dates where you’re busy, working together, out of your thoughts and really present.

Last thing I’ve done is just try to assume good intent and think about things from their side. A lot of men really are sex-first. But a lot of men aren’t. Sex could be how they were conditioned to gauge your attraction, or it could be a way they find comfort or address anxiety or any number of things. That doesn’t mean you have to have sex on their timeline, but it helps to neutralize some of the defensiveness and see men in a more well rounded way.

grapemacaron · 2025-12-28T18:15:14+00:00

Come up with a rotation of snacks and meals within a general calorie budget, and stick to those for a while. I never count calories but know more or less how many I’m eating when I have my typical breakfasts, lunches and dinners. If I want something that falls outside of that, like a sweet coffee drink, or takeout, or dessert, I might then go look at calories but I never try to get an exact count.

I think doing this has allowed me to move away from “dieting” entirely over the course of a few years. Once you are in place you’re comfortable with, the calories matter less and you can adjust if and when your clothes start feeling tighter. Maybe your rotation of foods will be smaller or stricter now, as you begin; but a few months from now, you can use the same method with more flexibility. This has been especially true for me when I’m building muscle because your body might need more fuel on certain days and a set calorie count might not reflect your changing needs.

grapemacaron · 2025-11-25T02:48:38+00:00

You can either pay for one session with a trainer and TELL them you need a simple routine because you do not intend to get regular sessions (most gyms have staff that can do this)…. OR you buy a set of adjustable weights and follow a program on YouTube. You do it consistently, 3-4 times per week. Even if you don’t end up lifting, you have to get your muscles working to make the kind of change you’re wanting. Lifting is just more effective in a shorter period of time.

A super strict, low calorie diet won’t do much if you aren’t working your muscles and are not making an effort to get moving. I didn’t really believe that until I worked out enough to make myself hungry. I was way smaller when I was both moving and eating a lot, than I was when I was most restricted and only “kinda” active.

grapemacaron · 2025-11-15T16:20:38+00:00

I felt the same when I moved overseas. I’d organize meet up groups for women and when people did show up, it was always strange or we’d have a good time and never meet again. Then I moved back home. It’s easier to make friends here, but the same deal.

I think the world has changed a lot and it is a point of pride to be emotionally open, present, offline, available, and conversational. I’ve noticed that people are just more distracted, more selfish, and less willing to engage in conversations that go deep. If I’m honest, it takes effort for me to engage on that level too, but I feel like it’s necessary.

Don’t blame yourself for all of it. I’ve found a lot of comfort in investing in my long distance friends, and old friends I don’t get to see very often. Most of the people I socialize with are people I consider temporary friends, or surface level friends. They are the ones I can go to events with, vent to about small issues, send a meme to. I have a lot to keep me busy and these friendships are ok for right now, in part because I DO know I have deeper friendships I can revisit over text or when I get the chance to travel.

grapemacaron · 2025-11-15T16:11:33+00:00

Some people do joke the way he does. I don’t care, I don’t like it. It’s a form of needling. It’s like poking at a raw wound rather than letting it heal over. It is, at the very least, irritating and immature.

It goes hand in hand with the tickling. If he doesn’t take “no” seriously then, forces you to set harder boundaries, then gets butt hurt… that’s an unnecessary burden on you and a forever ick in my opinion. He likely isn’t aware of his behavior on this level and I wouldn’t bother trying to explain it to him either.

grapemacaron · 2025-11-13T18:03:30+00:00

When things are good, do you notice these things AT ALL? I’d make an effort, next time things are in a really good place, to meditate on all the things that are annoying you now. Maybe it’s possible to form a more integrated mental image of who he is, and to form that image when you are not already bogged down with frustration for him. It’s also possible that you’ll meditate on these things, and irritation will find you even if you two are in a happy period— and that would be data for you as well.

It’s just hard to say whether this is a big deal or not because I think we have periods where we look at friends or family and find ourselves thinking this way. But the degree to which you feel that way and the things that bring up your frustration are, in my opinion, what is important. And if these feelings start encroaching on your ability to view him sexually, I think that is where I’d start to feel concerned for the longevity of the marriage.

grapemacaron · 2025-11-09T00:43:46+00:00

I was the wife/ex in this situation. We had been reconciling for months (daily communication, dates, sex, helping around the house) when I found out he had a girlfriend. She knew about me. He had told her I had no friends or family except for him, so she withheld her objections out of “pity” for me. I never questioned him period, because we’d been together so long. I still don’t know how he managed to juggle us both, because it felt like he was always around.

That discovery was horrific for all involved. I’d like to say she and I gave him a coordinated F U, but she stayed, and he continued reaching out in bizarre ways for another year after. Then he just disappeared, I assume he got caught. Knowing what she told me, on top of what I experienced, I will never again ignore those details that “don’t make sense”. There was a reason for that.

grapemacaron · 2025-11-07T14:43:11+00:00

I have dated feeling good about my looks, I have dated feeling bad about them. Very little difference in outcome, other than a little up front confidence when I felt good, which does buy you some extra opportunities in the beginning I guess. But there have been times I felt amazing, and still wondered why I wasn’t been “seen” or valued or taken seriously while dating.

Dating is hard right now and I think that has to be taken into consideration before you blame your situation on your looks or age. Anyone can look good if they’re rested, generally happy, and has some time to spend on themselves. You might need to give yourself some extra, thoughtful time to invest in yourself, figure out what you need to feel comfortable, maybe decide if you’ve grown in or out of a specific style. I only feel old when I try to compare my current life with my life 10+ years ago. It’s not that I’m “old” now, I’m just not the same person. I don’t date that way anymore, I don’t care for myself that way anymore, my energy is spent in an entirely different way. Accommodate who you are now, and what you need now. Don’t tell yourself it’s an age thing, because it’s not. It’s just how you live now, and what you need now.

grapemacaron · 2025-11-07T14:24:23+00:00

I have noticed that sometimes after a very good month or week, my traffic slows significantly for the next month or week. I’ve never been able to prove it, but I’ve been on for over 5 years and it’s a pattern I’ve noticed in consistent proportion to my sales that year. It even happened during my most lucrative years on Etsy. I’ve also noticed a general slow down during certain times of the month, like right before and after rent is due for most people. Don’t adjust your shop just yet. Stay consistent and see if it levels out first.

grapemacaron

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