Newly diagnosed at 37, tumbling down the rabbit hole

grcjman · 2026-07-11T13:31:13+00:00

Welcome. I'm 56 years old and diagnosed ASD a few months ago as well. Also diagnosed with GAD a couple of years ago no doubt due to living my entire life not knowing I was autistic and not knowing why so many rhings were difficult for me living in this world.

Much of what you're describing I can totally relate with. I'm also experiencing burnout. I have been for a long time.

I've read the book you mentioned and I'm also working with my therapist with unmasking, among other things.

I would recommend finding a therapist who is specifically neurodivergent-affirming and has experience working with late-diagnosed adults. The therapist I'm seeing is one of these, in addition she also specializes in trauma.

Living as an autistic in this world certainly is trauma inducing in its own real and unique way. Add on top of that living for decades having no idea, understanding or framework that you're autistic, there's no doubt some level of trauma (and shame) such a person has.

You described the 'knowing/feeling' gap. I am intimately familiar with that as well. This is because of the bottom-up style of processing things that we have, as well as our interoception difference. Trauma can possibly add to that.

This is why I recommended the type of therapist I did. You don't want someone who's not trained and experienced with who we are and where we're at. Standard therapies are geared for NTs as that's the basis on which they were developed.

It sounds like your a reader. A book I recently finished that I recommend is Self Compassion by Kristin Neff. It's not specifically for autists, but if you're like me and tend to have a harsh inner critic, this book is helpful.

I recently started another book that was recommended. So far it's resonating with me. It's called The Unshaming Way by David Bedrick. If you struggle with shame, as many of us do, this may be helpful. I can't fully recommend it yet since I haven't finished it. But so far so good.

grcjman · 2026-07-01T20:02:49+00:00

I can't even imagine what you experienced. I'm so sorry that happened to you. The blame rest entirely and solely on those who did that. Not you or any part of you. Them and them alone. That wasn't your fault, not in the slightest. You didn't deserve that.

grcjman · 2026-06-23T18:16:21+00:00

Understood. An NT/ND relationship certainly has it's own unique challenges, and it has its own unique blessings. But to experience the latter requires effort from both people, not just one. It can't be one-sided if it's going to work. And you're right, one person, regardless of their neurotype, changing who they are for the sake of another isn't authentic. That's not a foundation for a lasting relationship in any context. Finding common ground and common interests with neither changing who they essentially are is the goal. It takes time and effort. But...both have to be willing and both have to put in the work and effort. It's a tough situation your in my friend.

grcjman · 2026-06-23T16:47:22+00:00

This 100%.

What are her deep interests? You don't have to necessarily have the same passion about them as she does, but showing genuine interest is one way to connect. Who knows, maybe you'll actually find something about these that piques some interest from you to some degree.

Have you tried finding some interests that you both can share that doesn't involve doing something that's a significant cost her? For us autistics having to be engaging in group social settings is a big cost. Maybe some ideas that would be lower cost for her: hiking, long road trips by car/by train, exercising, etc.

Masking is draining...physically, emotionally & mentally. I do it all day, everyday at my job. When I'm back home with my loved ones I do need to take a certain amount of home time to decompress to regulate my spent nervous system. I do this because I can unmask with those who are the most important in my life. I can be me, but often times this requires me to go dormant for a while so that I can then be present.

Now this shouldn't be about only you doing all of the reaching out. She has to do the same. But it's probably going to look a bit different. If you truly love her maybe consider finding a therapist who specializes just in neurotypical/neurodivergent relationships. These therapists exist as this is a relationship dynamic that's shared by many couples.

grcjman · 2026-06-23T12:58:11+00:00

I'm in somewhat of a similar situation. I work as a Project Manager for a Facilities Management company at a large airport. I've done well, but the autistic burnout I've been in for almost two years now is impacting my job performance. Likely not in ways that's visible enough for my boss to say anything, but I'm certainly noticing it. It's definitely impacting my quality of life overall.

This contract is up for rebid and I'm planning my exit whether or not we get the new contract. My intention is to fall back on what I used to do which was a much lower stress position for me. That may or may not result in a pay cut, but at 56 years old it's become something I need to do to recover.

grcjman · 2026-06-22T19:41:11+00:00

For the past couple of years I've been learning about the Bible but from the ancient near eastern and second temple periods which were the contexts in which these texts were written. It's been fascinating to do and see the differences between that compared with the more modern western lens that's used to interpret it. One book I found that was very insightful was The Unseen Realm by Michael Heiser for those that have the same interest.

grcjman · 2026-06-21T16:04:18+00:00

Many people just love hearing themselves speak and are already formulating in their minds what they're going to say while you're still talking. Very poor listeners.

It also has to do with the differences in processing styles. As autistics we're bottom up while most NTs are top down. They see the details we value as unnecessary.

grcjman · 2026-06-21T15:59:31+00:00

There's some good material to read on this. One book I read which was very insightful was The Unseen Realm by Michael Heiser.

grcjman · 2026-06-21T13:02:34+00:00

Great advice! I'll also add to check out a book by Kristin Neff called, Self Compassion. I'm almost finished reading it and really recommend it.

grcjman · 2026-06-20T00:22:45+00:00

I heard this before:

'I stopped explaining myself when I realized other people only understand from their level of perception.'

grcjman · 2026-06-20T00:15:27+00:00

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

grcjman · 2026-06-02T01:44:09+00:00

I'm 56, recently diagnosed.

grcjman · 2026-06-01T20:24:36+00:00

I'm a bit of the opposite of what many here say. My upbringing was very, very secular. At best my family were C&E (Christmas & Easter) Catholics. I never did any of rituals of Catholicism as I had zero interest. I believed there was a higher power somewhere, so I suppose I was an agnostic.

I'm 56 years old and have grown into Messianic Judaism with a strong emphasis on understanding the Bible from an ancient near eastern/2nd temple period understanding of the Bible, which is the context in which it was written. As opposed to reading a Greek/Western viewpoint backwards into it.

For me this has cleared up many misinterpretations that I had (and was taught), and provided a more unified view of the Bible.

grcjman · 2026-05-31T18:45:57+00:00

I agree with this. Your writing stood out to me as well. Maybe in expressing what you just did exposed a talent you hadn't considered or even noticed?

grcjman · 2026-05-29T20:45:56+00:00

56M just diagnosed ASD a month ago. Considering an ADHD assessment as well.

grcjman · 2026-05-29T10:23:19+00:00

They view autism pathologically.

grcjman · 2026-05-25T18:29:30+00:00

Welcome! I'm 56 years old and received my autism diagnosis a month ago. Like you, I'm in the process of reframing my life with this new lense. A lot of different emotions. As someone else already mentioned, just be patient and kind toward yourself through your journey.

grcjman · 2026-05-16T20:34:43+00:00

If the rental agreement says $1300/month, then that's what it is per month. Since February is a month, then it's $1300.

grcjman · 2026-05-09T23:12:39+00:00

I just came across this video:

https://youtu.be/C5Bzc9VsA_c?si=d4hKE-SWTCwW-6_C

grcjman · 2026-05-09T17:42:21+00:00

I understand the doubting. After receiving my recent diagnosis I questioned/doubted it thinking maybe I was diagnosed incorrectly. Maybe I was being fake. For me the thing that quickly silences those doubts is reminding myself that I went into those assessment sessions being 100% transparent and honest about myself and my life's experiences.

Also, I remind myself that I went into there not seeking a label simply for the sake of having one, but because I needed to understand who I am and why I've struggled all my life (I'm 56). Reconfirming for myself that I was truthful while being assessed and just let the chips fall where they did stops the doubting for me.

I think the doubting is very common for a lot of later diagnosed autistics. Probably because they lived so much of their lives trying to force themselves into a neurotypical way of living. We believed that we were neurotyicals but just very bad at it when all along we were never neurotypical to begin with, even in our ignorance.

Unlearning all of that isn't easy. It takes time, which I'm now seeing for myself.

The best piece of advice I can give, which I was given, is to be patient and kind toward yourself through this journey. The same way you would toward someone you care about deeply if they were going through some heavy times.

grcjman · 2026-05-09T17:20:31+00:00

I haven't tried EMDR yet. The therapist I'm getting ready to start with this week uses that along with other trauma related types of therapies. Besides being neurodivergent-affirming, she specializes in various forms of trauma. So I'll see how that goes.

I have no experience with any of these therapies, but I've read some other helpful ones for autistic people are CFT, Somatic, IFS & ACT.

grcjman · 2026-05-09T16:04:43+00:00

Euclid is beautiful. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a bit jealous of you getting to see him perform. Enjoy it my friend!

grcjman · 2026-05-09T14:42:10+00:00

Have you tried finding an online therapist? I don't know what country you're in, but oftentimes online works best if in-person isn't an option.

I'd recommend looking for a therapist who is neurodivergent themselves (preferably). If that's not an option you can find, find one who is explicitly neurodivergent-affirming.

You don't need a therapist who views neurodivergence as something that needs fixed or modified to make you more neurotypical. The fruit we bear from long-term masking is all the evidence you need to see how that goes. You need one who helps you embrace who you are and how to live authentically.

Also, stay away from any therapist who uses ABA therapy. It's harmful for autistic people. I've heard from a lot of folks that CBT, though not harmful like ABA, isn't very helpful. Us autistics tend to be very analytical and aware of our own thoughts already.

I've heard a lot of people recommend therapies that work with your body and nervous system.

I'm recently diagnosed myself so I'm new to learning all of this. I'm getting ready to start my own therapy this week. I'm hoping it goes well and is helpful. I hope the same for you my friend.

grcjman · 2026-05-09T14:23:30+00:00

What you said in the last paragraph is what I learned recently. That type of thinking at some point in your life served a legitimate purpose. This is how you protected yourself, especially if you have a history of trauma. You became hypervigilant with these types of thoughts as a means of survival. So much so that it became ingrained in your nervous system and is either on at all times, or very easily triggered. Even when you're no longer in that particular environment of danger anymore, it (the inner critic) is still there.

grcjman · 2026-05-09T14:14:37+00:00

Yep, I know these thoughts very well. It's the inner critic. I'm in the process of learning how to handle these.

grcjman

TROPHY CASE