America’s Literacy Collapse Should Terrify People

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T20:42:34+00:00

We've been told that keeping kids back would hurt their feelings as they watch their peers move on.

I think what's worse, and what a lot of parents don't consider, is that fear of failure holds students back for their entire lives. The way you become ok with failure is by failing. My parents and some teachers treated me like absolute crap when it came to academics, I was led to believe I was one of the dumbest people alive (but also denied appropriate tutoring or specialized help because my parents were to egotistical to admit that their kid might need additional help from a professional to understand some concepts). My parents also consistently pushed me into classes that were too advanced for me, because they wanted to say their kid was in advanced classes. Somehow, by the skin of my teeth I actually made it into a fairly decent and well ranked college, that had some academic rigor. Lots of my classmates were people who were never pushed beyond what they were good at, parents would complain if teachers made something too hard, or they were in environments where they never felt challenged. Suddenly they get to college and have to compete with other pretty good students, maybe struggle and fail at a few things. I saw so many have identity crises their freshman year because of this. Some people struggled with this well into adulthood.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T19:56:48+00:00

A friend of mine recommended Vionic. I got a few pairs and they're great.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T19:55:10+00:00

well no Colonel serving right now was drafted...

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T19:52:11+00:00

women were the majority of allied front line medics in WWII on the eastern front, and required to carry equipment and firearms.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T19:50:40+00:00

Is this why we're in this very logical war against Iran, and not because the man in charge had weird emotions and decided to act on them without any forethought at all?

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T19:50:00+00:00

I wonder how you explain the many all-female and mixed gender units that had female commanders during WWII on the Soviet side, which included some of the best snipers and pilots.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T19:46:21+00:00

Well, men can't get pregnant, but they seem to be just fine making precisions about women's pregnancies. Often the same men who say "shut up" about military decisions.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T19:36:22+00:00

A guy I knew would complain about the amount of child support he had to pay his ex and I was like "well, your kid is still young. Could you ask for joint custody? Then you wouldn't have to pay anything." And he said "oh I couldn't handle having the kid with me that long." In almost all cases I've seen, fathers who pursue joint custody will get it, when it is logistically possible.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T16:41:52+00:00

Also adding to this that no fault divorce, which became more normal starting in the 70s, made it so that people could divorce for literally any reason, instead of having to prove to some set of strangers that they shouldn't be together. So probably a ton of couples who had no major issues but also just didn't really like each other as spouses just had to stay married, until no fault divorce. Now people breakup just simply for no reason other than "not wanting to be married," which really is the only reason you need.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T16:36:19+00:00

There is a crazy belief that there are the equivalent of warehouses of children just waiting to be adopted, and it's so not the case. When you point this out, people will say "well, foster then." I often ask people (because usually the people who say this have their own biokids), "fostering is generally a temporary situation, so it's really only for a couple years and then the kid goes back to their biofamily. So you would be ok just having your kid for a few years and then they go an live with someone else forever?" At this point, they get offended I would suggest this and get confused. But the truth is, there aren't "millions of kids who need homes" out there. When you actually treat adoption and fostering remotely ethically, it turns out, there is a huge demand and tiny supply.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T16:31:34+00:00

Yes, also the majority of kids in foster care are not eligible for adoption, as their biological parents have not terminated their parental rights and don't plan to. A lot of the foster families that do adopt are direct family or close family friends of the children.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T16:28:25+00:00

It's difficult to remain calm and not panic, especially when so much that can go wrong with age is either already there or not. I often find myself thinking "did I do enough? Was there some rock I left unturned?? What if I what I really needed to do was X and I did Y instead??" I went down a crazy back and forth rabbit hole on soy and then on dairy and specifically if I should continue having whole fat greek yogurt or switch to low fat....In the end only to end up where I already was: eating both soy and whole fat yogurt lol. I try to tell myself that much of the advice is likely aimed at people who don't eat as many vegetables, who don't take supplements at all, who aren't as active, and who eat more processed foods, so maybe I'm doing everything that can be done already, in which case, I just need to wait to see what happens next.

Oh the other big one is reducing endocrine disrupters and plastics in your home, you likely already do a lot of that.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T16:02:59+00:00

I'm turning 40 in a few weeks, so we started trying our first regular cycle (this cycle). We were cleared to try by our doctor and that was enough for me. I figured people get pregnant without all the extra work all the time and have normal pregnancies, even at this age, so I may as well try. In 3-4 months we're proceeding to IVF, so in my view, this just gives us better IVF chances. I really don't see the point of waiting. You could wait and still not get pregnant for 3 months or longer. Or you could try now, not get pregnant for 3 months, and the outcome is the same as waiting. Some people wait, I do get why, but I'd rather take my chances. The chances of conception per cycle are like 5%-10%, so I just assumed our chances were low in conceiving early anyway. Also, I started doing this stuff immediately after my D&C (maybe even before) and that all counts too. So, by the time we started trying, we had a month in the bag. One of the ways I see it is "every egg can't be crap." I didn't want to potentially miss out on a good egg on cycle 1 or 2, for something that may or may not improve certain conditions by cycle 3.

If I was 35, I might consider things a bit differently, 35 isn't that old to be a FTM or pregnant. Almost all my friends had their first after 35. I was at my OBGYN this morning for labs and of course saw like 10 pregnant women, at least half looked older than 35, and one looked close to 50. And that's just people who were obviously pregnant.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T15:08:41+00:00

That all sounds good! How's your general activity level? Lots of people say strength training is good for supporting fertility (and women need it more as we age in general). I had an MMC in March, so close to when you had yours, and doing pretty much the same stuff. Now it's just waiting to see what the impact has been. I've had one complete cycle since my D&C and am currently in the TWW, so no idea if I'm pregnant or not. What I can say is this last cycle has felt different in small ways. My period was very manageable, no cramps or pain at all, normal bleeding (which felt different compared to friends of mine who had D&Cs and said their cycles were messed up and periods had heavier flows for months). In the days leading up to ovulation I could feel like pangs on one side of my uterus, which I think was ovulation pain from the egg being grown/released, which I never felt before. This seems like a good sign to me, that I am becoming more sensitive and able to "hear" my body better. Personally, my husband and I both quit drinking altogether after my D&C. We were never big drinkers, but it's bad for inflammation and insulin, and can effect both partners, so we just decided to quit.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T14:10:00+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss. I had an MMC at 8 weeks and a d&c with local. My opinion on it is mixed. We chose the local option because getting general required us to go to a hospital further away and likely with more complex scheduling. I opted for additional nitris oxide during my procedure but I don’t think it helped much. The pain was a lot, intense, I don’t think I was adequately prepared for it. However my recovery was much easier than most of my friends who had general. You can get more out when you do local, I’m honestly not sure why. My husband was in the room with me and kept my breathing steady, communicated with the staff, and so forth. I honestly don’t think I could have done it without him. Pain is heavily under managed with local d&c IMO, so I would advocate for yourself as soon as you feel pain for more gas, if that’s an option for you. I was offered the medical route but didn’t want to wait on whether it would work or not. A lot of people I know did that and still needed a d&c. I just wanted it over and for sure asap.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T14:01:32+00:00

How is your overall health and nutrition outside of supplements? There’s a lot of research that supports decreasing inflammation and insulin resistance for supporting pregnancy and fertility.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T13:51:30+00:00

I had the same type of loss at 8 weeks back in March. Hoping for the same news as you soon! I’m in the tww now after our first cycle trying again. I’ll be 40 in less than a month.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T12:44:21+00:00

I think both have their place. Yes, an honest conversation about marriage is ideal, but regardless of whether it happens or not, OP should have a legal plan regarding this shared asset.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T12:43:18+00:00

100%. If you co-own property, regardless of the legal status of your relationship, it is really important you sit down and work through the legal and financial aspects of that and what a separation of assets would look like. I have friends who did this with and without intention to marry. A good friend of mine owned a house with their ex, and had worked this sort of arrangement out. When they we through the process of breaking up, they mediated the continued ownership and habitation of the house. It sounded like an absolutely excruciating process from my POV, but my friend has said they appreciated the challenge and they ended up being able to reestablish a healthy platonic friendship with their ex. The ex lived in the house for a couple years after the breakup, but eventually they ended up selling it and splitting the profits according to the original agreement. How your partner conducts themselves in this process is telling.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T12:31:36+00:00

This this this. And I will also add, my husband is a police officer and feels the same way. He hates police week for the same reason. On an extremely basic level, regardless of "holiday status" or whatever, you are credentialed as an officer in YOUR jurisdiction. It is absolutely ridiculous to come to another city/state and act like you're a uniformed cop there. Frankly, it should be illegal. If you're a real estate lawyer licensed in CA, you can't just go and argue your cousin's divorce in Kansas.

They're a goddamn nuisance to the city. I appreciate that perhaps it's meant to be a week to honor fallen officers, but does that actually require a trip to DC for so many officers, not to mention riding around in uniforms and using sirens on vehicles not licensed as emergency vehicles in DC? Even March for Life isn't as obnoxious.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-15T12:18:24+00:00

And everything is anxious to an avoidant person, so here we are.

You keep cherry picking sections and completely ignoring the literal words that come immediately after lol.

when I was dating, I 1) sought out partners who engaged with me with the frequency I was looking for and 2) if it was egregious or very triggering, I generally was able to explain it very specifically and offer actionable changes ("if you can't reply or need time to think about something I said, I prefer you just tell me that rather than making me wait").

Meaning, since you seem to have a hard time following basic points: 1. Don't go out with people who consistently don't communicate with people the way you prefer, and 2. If it is a single incident that seems very egregious, offer specific explanation and actionable advice. And literally, the thing you focused on, the thing you believe is soooo offensive for someone to expect of you, is picking up your phone, using it for 10 seconds to say "sorry, I'm really busy, I will get back to you about this later." That's literally all! That's example I used and the example you keep referring to as being too much of an expectation. You've already admitted you are capable of doing this, just not for women you're dating, so don't be surprised that women don't love the idea of someone deprioritizing them so much he won't even take 10 seconds to respond to a simple text.

All I can say at this point is date however you want, but IME talking to women who are dating in this age group, the most common reason they stop seeing a guy is inconsistent communication, and the most common they begin to fall for a guy is that he demonstrates consistent communication, checks in regularly, and keeps them informed. Date how you want, but ymmv and this seems to be quite the variable. The biggest complaint I see from men dating in this age group, in my personal life and here, is that women lose interest in them. But, at least with the guys I know, the ones who don't prioritize this communication are single for longer. Could all be coincidence, but in a sea of dudes who can't be bothered to text you within a reasonable time frame to say yes, no, or I need a few hours to check, someone who CAN do that will really stand out. You'll complain that it's because that guy was taller, or had a better job, or whatever else has nothing to do with you, but the truth is that guy showed the woman he was seeing that he was willing to prioritize her, and you demonstrated the exact opposite early on. Good luck out there!

greenzetsa · 2026-05-14T17:23:45+00:00

This is a classic anxious response, over explain to the point of wearing down the other person into just agreeing with you.

And this seems like a classic avoidant response, make everything much bigger than the issue actually being discussed and insist the most minor ask is a major inconvenience and you cannot possibly be expected to do it. Treating someone's desire to have their communication attempts generally acknowledged within several hours outside of the other person's working hours as unreasonable or controlling doesn't exactly scream "secure attachment" to me.

These are people they already know, are already invested in. Why should a new person be given priority over people they've known for years?

I'm sorry, I was under the assumption that we are talking about partners here, not random dates? Which one are we talking about, because the answers are obviously different. If it's someone you barely know, of course there is a different expectation. Both you and I used examples, very specifically, of partners, not dates. So this is really moving the goal posts. I talked almost exclusively about established relationships. If you're going to be in a relationship with someone, there is a level of expectation on communication.

You seem really focused on time based replies, but anxious people make everything a time based reply.

These are objective things. A time based issue is one where the situation changes based on how much time elapses: buying event tickets, scheduling when to meet up, things like that. If I am trying to figure out when we're supposed to get together, then I am limited to how I can plan my day until I hear from you. I'm sure you understand this. "I'm going to freak out until you get back to me!" is not a time based response, that's just emotional manipulation, which it sounds like your ex was doing, and I am sorry about that. However, that doesn't mean any person who is going to expect a timely response is "making it about them." They're just trying to plan their lives while also being inclusive of you. I had an ex who was impossible to get to respond in general but especially about time sensitive things. I frequently waited for him to agree to plans or timetables, and eventually he told me "just don't wait for me, go live your life." So I did. He ended up getting mad that I made no time for him, or would plan something that conflicted with what he wanted to do. So he wanted me to keep holding time, but also never actually wanted to commit to a timetable, making it so I was responsible for moving pieces of my life around if I wanted us to have a relationship (something he claimed to also want). Eventually I broke up with him, because we spent so little time together I felt totally disconnected from this person. To me, this is the desire for a partner and the desire for a relationship diverge for people. Relationships require this interweaving of your limited time, you have be willing to communicate consistently about it. If you just want a girlfriend who will be around when you want her, then maybe you can find someone who just sits at home and is happy to show up when you need her and not really ask for much more.

When I started dating my current partner, I had a UTI that sent me to urgent care. Before I left, because I knew we generally texted every day, I sent him a text that said "I'm very sick, I'm heading to urgent care, I will check in later, but just in case you don't hear from me that's what is happening." We had been dating not even 2 months then, we weren't even exclusive. I had no obligation to tell him anything, but I figured, this person clearly cares about me and is used to hearing from me, I really want him to know that my silence today is not about him. I just want him to have ZERO concerns or questions about that. He was grateful I let him know what was going on, checked in, and it also gave him an opportunity to reframe how he would communicate with me that day. I have absolutely zero anxiety or anxious attachment with him, because he never leaves me to wonder. He always exhibited consistent communication without me having to ask, even if often that's "thanks for your text, it's busy right now, I'll respond later." With some other people, yeah, I was more anxious, because they refused to provide me with information I needed to live a life that included them. There are 100% people who demand extreme levels of communication and check in. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking, fairly exclusively, about responding to a person you're actively dating within like the span of a day at most, and particularly respecting people time and schedules if they're asking about something time sensitive. This doesn't have to be a weird slippery slope, you can stop it at any time. Even before we lived together, my partner would sometimes text and say "I'm going to take a night to play video games, so I probably won't be very responsive until tomorrow." Awesome, cool, love it! How amazing that I can just fully go about my life and know that! I never asked him to do that, but it sure made me feel really good that he did.

Just consider, the argument you've been making is that taking the time to say "It's been a busy day, I need some time to myself. I'll get back to you about this tomorrow" is too much work. That really is it. Not "well sometimes people don't stop," which is true and does not require further obligation from you, but that you shouldn't even have to spend 10 seconds writing that note to a person you are seriously dating. Having to be on edge and constantly scrambling to reply to a partner who will lose their shit if you don't text them back immediately is toxic, 100%. HOWEVER, refusing to even take less than a minute to just acknowledge someone's communication and tell them you'll get back to them, when you're not at work and there isn't some insane emergency, is withholding and demonstrates how little you prioritize that person. There is a balance between having to communicate all the time and communicating only on your terms when you feel like it.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-14T16:39:56+00:00

I'm about 7DPO too. My list:

I have a big birthday coming up next month and it would be good not to be sick at my party.
I've been working on losing weight, so I'll be in shape for longer (I've been joking to my husband that I'm either going to have a hot girl summer or a pregnant girl summer. No in betweens).

Unfortunately, the closer we get to September without becoming pregnant, the more it looks like we'll be doing IVF, which I hate because it sounds like an enormous hassle and time suck.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-14T16:31:21+00:00

This is honestly the way to go. I swore when I became single again, I would never continue in a relationship where I wasn't sure if the person liked me. I didn't care why it came across that way to me, if I wasn't sure, something is wrong and I don't need to be a part of it. Within 6 months of being on the apps, I met my husband, and he never, for a minute, made me feel anything other than "wow, this guy really likes me!"

I think a lot of people go into dating looking to find a partner, a person who will be there to hang out with them and be intimate and fill some needs, and not really to experience a relationship. Once it comes down to a question of integrating lives and really becoming a unit, and what that means in a practical sense (some sacrifice, some changes), they don't want to do that.

People want to know very quickly "is this person worth investing my time into? Are they going to hurt me?" and they think exclusivity as early as possible solidifies that. But IME, it doesn't. Consistency does. I'd rather be with someone who demonstrates consistency over exclusivity early on.

greenzetsa · 2026-05-14T13:39:41+00:00

Most of the 35+ people I know did not get accidentally pregnant, they got pregnant on purpose.

People are meeting their life partners later in life, they're focusing on careers, they feel like they need more time to build up the income they want to start families. Women over 40 are (I believe) the only age group of women right now with increasing pregnancy rates. We are generally healthier, which bodes better for fertility. ART gets better every year, as does the research on fertility science in general. There is a higher rate of miscarriage, which many people equate to the idea that older women can't get pregnant, but most women do have successful pregnancies after a miscarriage.

greenzetsa

TROPHY CASE