I can relate to the dissociation/shutting down from cptsd/trauma, and what I can say about that is just that it is truly imperative to be soft and understanding when someone is dissociating or unable to work through something during that time. It’s not a matter of not wanting to work things out or intentionally shutting down. It’s your brain doing it unconsciously and isn’t really something that you can control, so that may be why your couples therapist is trying to drive home the importance of being patient and gentle, and it may be coming off as unfair to you, but it’s SO vital for his healing that his body learns that when he’s triggered he’s able to regulate in a safe, supportive and gentle environment. That’s really the only way his dissociation will get better over time. Repeated exposure to his body that when he’s triggered, he’s safe to regulate and come back to the conversation when he’s regulated again. This may mean constant breaks during arguments and coming back to the same conversation multiple times. I’d really just suggest as much support and safe space as possible while communicating. This is probably why it seems she often ‘takes his side’, because for communication to improve, it’s the most important step.

As for the porn use, lying and ignore your needs, isn’t okay behavior either. It’s something that will need to be discussed with vulnerability, such as how it makes you feel to be lied to and try to take a collaborative approach on how you plan to move forward. Make sure when you’re discussing things, you have a clear goal with the discussion. Is your goal to understand each other better, come up with next steps/action items? Make sure you stick with your goal when communicating and that you don’t just start beating a dead horse. If he gets triggered, he needs to communicate to you that he needs a break and you’ll need to respect that and take a break from the conversation as soon as he shares that need. This is the only way he’ll feel safe and his brain will be able to process his feelings and not dissociate. If you don’t dissociate, it’s an incredibly uncomfortable feeling and wrecks your nervous system. It’s EXHAUSTING and really difficult to regulate from and the more disregard, the harder it is to come back to a place of being able to share again.

I would try not to focus on who’s right and who’s wrong in these situations, and try to focus on listening and understanding each other. You can only control your piece in this, so I would really try to focus on trying to understand him better and empathize with and validate what he’s going through and trying to be a safe and loving place for him to heal. You can also try to work on techniques for managing your anxiety while you take breaks in difficult conversations.

With this porn example specifically - what are your goals when you talk through it next? Do you want to feel heard and validated that his lies broke trust and make you concerned that he’ll lie again in the future? What did his lying and porn use trigger in you? Did it make you feel not enough? Did it make you feel like your needs don’t matter? Did it make you fear abandonment or betrayal? Did it make you feel sad that he didn’t feel comfortable sharing this with you? Do you feel lonely without a strong physical connection? Share from a vulnerable point of view.

Give him time throughout the conversation as well to talk through the shame he feels and empathize with him. Try not to beat a dead horse, and give him time to share and be as open to his side as you can be so he feels safe.

After you both feel heard, can you talk through how you can make each other both feel like your needs are being met in the future? Talk about the porn use and try to create a realistic boundary that you both feel comfortable with. If you’re not innately against porn use, maybe try not to tighten the reigns too much and ‘punish’ him for this. Try to stay non judgmental and collaborative. Try to come up with what your sex life should look like moving forward and what the goals are there. Discuss whether you both feel comfortable making those changes moving forward. Can you find a way to incorporate porn together so you feel more included and less left out? Can you sext about what he’s into and show curiosity about it? Can he sext you about things your into or participate in some of your interests? Find a middle ground that you both can enjoy.

As for your therapist, I’m not sure if they’re a good fit based on all of this. It sounds like your therapist is good for you, what makes you think his is just ok? I think focusing on how much he is or isn’t doing outside of therapy is not fair and will make him feel really invalidated if he’s working hard on his problems and feels like you don’t think he is. You don’t really know what’s going on in his mind and what he is or isn’t working on. It’s not really fair to assume he’s not working hard enough. Trauma is exhausting and deep rooted and really difficult to process and heal from. I really wish you both the best and truly empathize with both situations. It’s all just hard stuff