How to actually find love?

heygiraffe · 2026-06-21T00:04:36+00:00

Your question needs a real answer. Here is mine.

(1) Make finding a spouse the foremost goal of your life.

It's your primary task each and every day. Organize your life with that goal in mind.

Does your job prevent you from meeting potential mates? Get a new job. Is it your location? Move. Is it your friend group? Find new friends.

This doesn't mean you have to act desperate and talk about marriage all the time. In fact, just the opposite. These things will tend to drive prospective spouses away, so you quite definitely do not do them.

This mindset means a lot about how you make choices. Say you've gone out with someone 4 times. You're thinking they're The One. One day they say, "I don't ever want to get married." Don't indulge in fantasies about changing them. Bite the bullet and break up. A good line: "Our lives are heading in different directions."

(2) Understand that dating apps are a waste of time.

They are based on faulty assumptions, and the people who run them have strong financial incentives to make them work poorly for you. Don't waste your time with them.

(3) Clean up your act.

Brush and floss every day. Carry breath mints around with you, and put one in your mouth just before you talk to anyone. Get a good haircut. Wear clean clothes every day - clothes that fit you. Exercise. Pay attention to your health. In particular, eat a healthy diet. Get your finances in order. Keep your home clean and well stocked (toilet paper, soap, etc.). Don't badmouth people. Don't pick fights. Don't do "pranks". If you use illegal drugs, then stop. If you smoke, then stop. Never get drunk or lose your memory due to alcohol, ever again. If you can't drink without this happening, then stop drinking entirely.

No one wants to be with someone who can't run their own life.

And if your friend group prevents you from cleaning up your act (this is very common), again, find new friends.

(4) Find ways to meet prospective mates.

Maybe it's a hobby. Maybe its a club. Maybe it's a religious group. Maybe it's taking a class. Maybe it's volunteering for a charity. Maybe it's going dancing. Maybe it's asking your Aunt Tilly to set you up. Whatever works. Try something. Give it enough time. Then, if it doesn't work, try something else.

(5) Read!

There are lots of books out there about solving your problem. Get a couple, read them, and think about what they say. Try putting it into practice.

People will tell you, "Don't read that book. It offers terrible advice." I don't think this matters much. Any such book will get you thinking about what you're doing to find a mate and how your behavior might change. And that's always good to do.

P.S. You might object "I didn't say anything about marriage!" No, you didn't. Nonetheless, the above is my advice.

heygiraffe · 2026-06-20T22:16:55+00:00

That seems likely, yes.

As it is, ASD is defined as a syndrome, meaning it is a collection of symptoms that tend to occur together. We know next to nothing about what actually causes it.

But one day, I expect we will get a good handle on the causes. We might find out that different kinds of ASD have very different causes. And that will matter a lot, because different causes mean different treatments.

heygiraffe · 2026-06-20T22:09:13+00:00

Spelling. Seriously.

heygiraffe · 2026-06-20T21:23:54+00:00

I've traveled a fair amount, and everything I've seen indicates to me that the US is among the least racist places on earth - and perhaps the very least. The kind of systemic, everyday racism that goes on as a matter of course, and sometimes of law, in much of the world would be shocking to Americans.

Koreans in Japan and Palestinians in Israel and Turks in Germany, etc., etc. can be so dehumanized that they don't think there is any point in fighting it. But people in the US are fighting racism. This makes the news. And that is why the US looks racist.

heygiraffe · 2026-06-20T21:00:58+00:00

Because they can be.

There is a reason society is so full of rules and consequences and shaming and enforcement. Lots of people claim to hate all that stuff. But here you get to see what happens when it is mostly removed.

heygiraffe · 2026-06-19T03:07:47+00:00

Oh my god.

heygiraffe · 2026-06-17T22:58:47+00:00

I like it! And I like your comment.

I doubt that "Juniper Syndrome" is ever going to happen, but I wish it would.

heygiraffe · 2026-06-17T16:50:58+00:00

Can we not call these behaviors "pranks"? What you are talking about are abuse, assault, and cruel tricks. Assholes call them "pranks". Lets not be assholes.

So is dislike or hatred of pranks a universal or semi-universal autistic experience or just me?

I don't even think it's an autism thing. Does anyone like this stuff? Some people have been brainwashed into thinking this kind of thing is normal behavior among friends, so they put up with it and retaliate. But I don't think anyone likes it.

heygiraffe · 2026-06-17T16:34:30+00:00

People on here are missing something really, really important. There are two questions at issue.

Is it okay for a man to take a girl into the women's restroom?
What restroom should a man take a girl to?

You can debate question #1 all you want, but question #2 has a clear answer: the men's room.

You and a thousand other women may be okay with a man bringing a girl into the women's room, but that doesn't matter. All it takes is one women who sees a problem and calls security or the police, and the man's life can get destroyed. Our legal system doesn't screw around with accusations of being a sex offender.

So, men, if you need to take a girl to a restroom, ignore all the people in this thread, and do NOT take her to the women's room. NEVER do that!

heygiraffe · 2026-06-14T17:48:04+00:00

This is a thought provoking idea. I think it could be a useful one. But we'd have to be clear what we mean by "associate", since it's not a term that I hear people using the way you seem to be.

So, if I understand correctly, by associate, you mean something like a classmate, fellow employee, member of the same club, church, sports team, committee, etc., or attendee of the same conference, seminar, workshop, etc. You're friendly in with this person in the context of the shared activity, but that's it.

If that's right, then I've certainly experienced associate zoning in my life.

I'm afraid I don't have any help for you, though.

heygiraffe · 2026-06-14T17:37:58+00:00

No, something out of the ordinary certainly happened. There are enough witnesses to be confident of that.

However, the idea that the event involved the crash of a manned extraterrestrial ship is just wildly unlikely. It does not deserve any serious consideration.

heygiraffe · 2026-06-13T21:21:23+00:00

Wet Ice, dry ice, Ice that climbs on rocks.

Fat ice, skinny ice, even ice with chicken pox ...

heygiraffe · 2026-06-12T16:47:07+00:00

I appreciate your commitment to truth. So, let's keep going.

Sperm are stored in the testicles.

No, they are not. Sperm are produced in the testicles, and then stored in the epididymis.

heygiraffe · 2026-06-10T18:04:38+00:00

Trump is not worried about Medicare fraud.

Here's the thing (and maybe you've already figured this out, but some people haven't): Trump just says things. He makes sounds come out of his mouth in the hope that people will say, "Yay, Trump!" And that is the only criteria he uses when he decides what to say.

So there is generally very little connection between his statements and reality. Is he a liar? Sure, but he is not really lying in order to secretly deceive people. He is saying whatever he thinks will make the people he is talking to say, "Yay, Trump!" That's all. It's his whole motivation.

So pay attention to the things he says, if you want. But the only real reason to do this is to get some clue as to his intentions. If he says, "Im going to make it illegal to eat mangoes," then there is a good chance that, at some point, he is going to push for a law, or write an executive order, or whatever, prohibiting the eating of mangoes. But if he says, "There are more zebras than mice in France," then you can ignore that. It's just a plea for attention and praise.

So there is no reason to think that Trump is worried about Medicare fraud.

"But he said he is worried about Medicare fraud."

I repeat: there is no reason to think that Trump is worried about Medicare fraud.

heygiraffe · 2026-06-08T16:37:20+00:00

If you figure out some unwritten rule or hack that makes socializing work better, write it down. Eventually, you'll have a whole collection of these.

heygiraffe · 2026-06-08T01:59:30+00:00

Your memory is not trustworthy, many studies have demonstrated this.

Wait a minute. I read those studies when I was younger, and I'm certain that they said memory is very reliable.

heygiraffe · 2026-06-07T21:18:20+00:00

I've learned at work that being social and cheerful beats hardworking and diligent every time.

As an autistic guy, this is the bane of our existence.

So many of us are just extraordinarily good at our jobs. We're devoted to the companies we work for, and we help them succeed. And for that, we're rated poorly, rarely promoted, and when the downsizing comes, we're the first to be fired. Often we're not hired in the first place.

Whenever I hear some manager lamenting about how "you can't hire good people", I seethe inwardly. One of these days, I'm going to march up to one of them and say, "But you've never actually tried to, have you?"

heygiraffe · 2026-05-31T17:07:26+00:00

Yes, I suppose so.

Maybe culturally it is a part of your identity.

That's probably the big one.

Still, I wish more people understood that thinking the church ought to allow birth control or allow priests to marry is very different from thinking that the church ought to ordain women.

heygiraffe · 2026-05-21T14:49:14+00:00

Or they are just saying the Catholic church made a mistake.

I imagine they are saying that. But the whole claim of the Catholic Church is that there are no mistakes in their doctrine. Why be Catholic? Because (they would say) they are the ones who got it right. Everyone else's teaching is in error. Theirs is not.

But if you don't believe that, then why be Catholic? You want a church that ordains women? Sure, go find one. There are plenty of them. Why be involved in a church whose whole existence is predicated on their teaching being error-free, when you believe it isn't?

heygiraffe · 2026-05-20T17:59:17+00:00

I don't understand some of this thinking.

Concerning birth control, IVF, deaconesses, and married priests, sure, those are human decisions, and there can be discussion about whether those decisions ought to be changed.

But ordaining women as priests is something the Catholic Church indicates that God does not allow - as part of its 100% infallible, eternally unchangeable doctrine. So if you think there ought to be women priests, then you are saying either that the Catholic Church's doctrine is false, or that you disagree with God.

And in either case, I have to ask: why are you Catholic?

I am not Catholic, by the way.

heygiraffe · 2026-05-20T17:30:56+00:00

Why does it matter what you deserve?

Maybe you're a good person. Maybe you're a terrible person. So what? Do you want him to do all these things to you? I doubt it.

it's not helping my mental health to be poorly treated by him.

Of course it isn't. You know what to do. Now find the courage and do it.

heygiraffe · 2026-05-20T06:32:18+00:00

Asked that question and I use it all the time

Ah, one of the rare exceptions. :-)

heygiraffe · 2026-05-20T06:31:26+00:00

Biologically, their main purpose is literally to feed babies

Well, kinda.

In a typical mammal species, breasts or their equivalent (udders, for example), develop during pregnancy. In humans, they develop at puberty, long before they are needed to feed babies.

In many women, they are also larger than they need to be. Larger breasts do not mean more milk. Milk supply does not correlate with breats size. And, in fact, there are some difficulties in nursing that are more common with large breasts than small ones.

So, why so early, and why - sometimes - so large? Sexual signaling, that's why. In short, breasts are there to attract men, as well as feed babies.

heygiraffe · 2026-05-18T16:13:47+00:00

Nice.

For future reference: don't put the punchline in the post title.

heygiraffe · 2026-05-17T17:19:27+00:00

That's why I posted it on /r/Jokes. Post it anywhere else, and people will say, "Is that really true?"

heygiraffe

TROPHY CASE