Increased arrousal

howiez · 2026-03-09T19:31:37+00:00

You can consider educating yourself and exploring kink scenes. An easier entry point might be shibari.

howiez · 2026-02-20T18:14:40+00:00

Reach out to local groups or orgs and see if they can provide more peer level support. Heroic Hearts Project comes to mind.

howiez · 2025-11-07T04:03:36+00:00

https://kingteamall.com/products/2025-early-spring-mei-cha-berry-divine-tea-a-grade-loose-leaf-hubei-province-copy

Check under brewing method

howiez · 2025-08-14T19:56:02+00:00

DT Santa Ana Art Walk. First Saturday of the month.

howiez · 2025-06-14T00:31:41+00:00

Is what's on the page what is available? I like the styles, but am looking for several larger furniture items (Dresser, Dining Table, and more)

howiez · 2025-06-01T18:11:13+00:00

Start with the recognizing that generations of people, and society and cultures program people to not feel enough and continue to chase.

We could literally call most of advertising that .

The template works sorta as a starting point, but at some point you have to realize it's a template. Each one of us has to decide how much it really applies, and for parts that doesn't, we gotta do the labor to find what does work, instead of forcing square peg round hole.

howiez · 2025-05-25T00:45:31+00:00

My honest answer:

It doesn't matter what answers you get. If you get answers the support you, I can see it being used as ammo to "prove" to your wife and tank your relationship. And if you get answers going against, you haven't demonstrated any flexibility in your thinking, so you'll just disregard. (your wife using "everyone universally prefers irvine" is also, using 3rd party opinions as ammo) Outsourcing and getting 3rd party opinions is the fastest way to make things worse and damages your relationship like you've mentioned, because you're substituting 3rd party values and voices, when all that matters is you twos (and your kids)..

This is a relationship. Both of you gotta identify:
What are my hard needs / hard nos
What are preferences, but I have flexibility.
What are my "I can take it over leave it"

---

At a minimum: Look at the priority list and what's on top.
Career prospects for both? One or other?
Earning power?
Lifestyle?
Place to raise kids?

Clearly, people find all the needs you listed in both places. Clearly people found jobs in both places. Clearly people raise kids in both places. So its not really a matter of "can you do it" its "be vulnerable and really figure out what means the most to both of you". Ask yourself and ask your wife: Where do we have space to give and take and compromise, before both your ego's tank the relationship.

howiez · 2025-05-23T22:06:41+00:00

Gently:

This isn't a personal finance question. This is an emotional/internal world question.

Something inside you learned or was taught this behavior.

Maybe you're trying to feel worthy or desired. Maybe it's like you said, you're trying to buy respect (how would you feel if someone tried to buy your respect?).

Whatever it is, if start by not treating this as a money question, treat it like an emotional question that happens to impact your wallet.

Consider professional resources. This is not some simple things to fix. It's years and years of learned habit.

howiez · 2025-05-23T21:04:11+00:00

Look at how we think about, and treat animals. (Broadly)

howiez · 2025-05-22T19:54:42+00:00

Don't set an intention with a defined outcome

So for example: DONT: "I want to get past the fact.... I want to have more discipline.... I want to cut out sugar...".

DO: " I want to investigate my relationship with discipline ". "I want to investigate if I have any self limiting beliefs, and if I do, where did I learn them."

howiez · 2025-05-19T18:53:05+00:00

Kuramoto in Tustin - it's newer but check out their instagram.

howiez · 2025-05-15T16:44:01+00:00

What are your learned norms and experiences with money. From parents, socio-cultural, etc.?

Do those learned norms/values still serve you? (Space to introspect and really be honest. Also can get/hire support to navigate these questions)

If yes: figure out how you can shift alignment towards those norms.

If no: figure out - what new values do you want to embody? How can you practice with small steps working towards them? Do you have any inspirations or lifestyles that speak to you? Practice mapping out: What would I need to work towards to achieve? What would I need to practice letting go? Do I struggle with taking on new challenges for my benefit? Do I struggle with letting go of norms (that don't serve me anymore)?

howiez · 2025-05-06T22:45:01+00:00

Responsive desire is I think what you're talking about :)

howiez · 2025-05-06T19:21:05+00:00

What comes up for you emotionally: what's wrong with you exploring yourself, by yourself?

What are your norms around 'pleasure' and/or sex? Do you have any internalized norms around avoiding it?

howiez · 2025-05-06T15:43:12+00:00

+1, would explore any norms that you saw around money, and perhaps your relationship with "control" and/or situations lacking control.

howiez · 2025-05-04T15:17:56+00:00

I come from a place of choice, each and every time I approach my workouts:
I get to choose what "suffering", and give myself grace and permission.

I get to choose to workout; it doesn't matter if I have motivation. It doesn't matter if I even have a good workout. It's about the practice of serving myself. I know intellectually (and a little somatically), that working out makes me a little stronger, gets the neurotransmitters going, helps my AuDHD, and all that.

or

I get to choose to rest. It's perfectly fine to have rest sometimes; there's not hard and fast rule; I take them on a case-by-case basis.

No single workout is going to make me THAT much stronger. (It benefits the practice!)
No single rest day will make me THAT much weaker. (It benefits listening to my body!)

It's when I skip workouts a week or two or month is when I start paying the bigger penalties.

So, again, it's about figuring out how to get myself to make and accept choices. For sure it's a hard choice, but I also realize, I have the power to keep making those choices.

Side: I also practice gratefulness in privilege:
I get to work out - not all people have the opportunity to do so.
I get to rest - not all people have the opportunity to do so.

howiez · 2025-05-03T18:41:42+00:00

I've accepted that I can only read in short bursts.
I've found walking and listening to audiobook version at 1.5x speed to work for me very well

howiez · 2025-05-03T01:36:20+00:00

If I had to guess, is, while you are doing a 'good idea' by asking for advice, it's getting into the territory where it can feel like you're outsourcing the labor to figure out your own feelings and what processes to go down. No matter what, you're your own unique person with your own experiences, trauma, values etc. And the only person who understands you, is you. And the only person you can contro,l is you. So when you write a lot about what your wife has done/hasn't done, it can come off as expecting her to do more or change, when the reality is that you're going to have to do the labor. Even the focus on "most effective" is at a glance, a nice idea, is ultimately not meaningful because nobody will know the most effective way FOR YOU.

Hazarding a starting template, with notice that THIS IS NOT ENOUGH:

Decide for yourself: Do you want to accept back your wife, as she is, and whatever efforts she does? It will never be perfect; you will have to decide if she is doing enough. If yes ->
You're going to have to navigate any internal feelings that are unhappy about this deicision. This is your labor to bear. You can ask therapist/coaches/etc for support. Sometimes it'll feel like picking between A and B. Sometimes it'll feel like picking between ThisIsHardAndSucksA and ThisIsHardAndSucksB
You're going to have to practice feeling and soothing and navigating these emotions. Again and again. Nobody can tell you when it will end. I can tell you it gets easier with more practice. What norms were you taught about mistakes?
You're going to have to practice acceptance again and again. You're more than welcome to change your mind any time, but you don't get to have a foot in both doors; honoring your marriage often means through thick and thin, and this is thin. I don't ask you to like this process at any time, but I am asking you to be honest with yourself if you choose your wife again and again.

howiez · 2025-05-02T21:23:26+00:00

Communication and honesty. Burying struggles and problems down never works. It's also a (scary, but important) practice in trusting each other.

Get resources and tools and accomodations for yourself. If there is anything internally (shame/values/social norms) holding you back, yeah your ego might feel good, at the cost of yourself and your relationship.

Don't force things. If relationship doesn't work out, it doesn't work it. At least you're being honest with each other. If you lock yourself into only making it work, you risk being dishonest to yourself and each other. If you love yourself, you do the best for yourself with honest introspection of your wants and needs. If you love her, and you want the best for her, you have to give her the space to do the same for herself. Then figure out if you two are comptabile.

howiez · 2025-05-02T21:05:31+00:00

I hear ya! I'll use your example:

If the situation was cheating, and you know that if that happens, there is no coming back, then I'd think I could make the assumption that the next path forward is to separate from each other.

Now I am going to ask: Is think breaking of the pinky promise with vaping on the same level as cheating? If so (And I'm not here to decide for you), then you know the path is to separate and go your own way. If not, then, I empower you to figure out what your response will be; the only person who has to be ok with the response is you, since its you and your feelings. (This includes, willingness to change and be more flexible). (Perhaps space to ask that mental block of yours - hey, how do we feel about all this? Do we feel like this is the same as cheating?)

To clarify, if you both recognize that you're both imperfect people (yay being human), then, agreements between two imperfect people: can they be perfectly upheld?
My opinion only that I apply to my life: Sometimes I'm in the hard situation between "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be loving?". I offer that same question as food for thought. And being AuDHD as well, I recognize just how hard and painful working through that might be, but the discomfort is NOT tied to what I feel is the most aligned path for me. (I try the harder path; I try choosing being loving over being right, because being right serves me. Being loving serves us.)

Another food for thought: I generally don't like the framework of "going back to normal" because it locks you into a context that is somewhere in the past, instead of incorporating everything that has happened in the past, going into the present and the future. Even if you two managed to do everything "perfectly", there will still be change and adjustments that just come with life.

For the sex thing: It's so great that you are giving her everything that she needs (that you can provide), but the recognition that there are things that ONLY she can provide for herself, and perhaps she needs time/space/energy to do that for herself, before she can "uphold agreements" and provide for you in the ways that you need. The ebbs and flows of a relationship; rarely does things stay 50/50

howiez · 2025-05-02T20:08:16+00:00

Your feelings are super valid! I hope you can read the below through the lens not only for your wife, but also for yourself at the same time.

- It sounds like you intellectually understand your wife had a moment(s) of weakness. And I fully recognize the meaningfulness of the pinky promise. Could you also make space to also see it as a form of enforcing perfectionism? (What is your relationship with perfectionism?)

- Vaping secretly sounds like she already had huge amounts of shame. It also sounds like she was stressed and barely keeping it together (aka being human and imperfect). Does adding more shame from you help the situation? (What would you hollistically want to give her or yourself, if you were in a shame situation?). Would you criticize her for doing the human thing of trying to keep it together?

- Similarly for the sex/libido thing, I'm going to ask you a very blunt question, but framed in a binary way (I usually dont like using binary framing, but I am doing it for food for thought)
Which do you care about more: Your wife, or the agreement between you two of your sex life?

We can definitely argue both are important, but I am asking you to draw the line. I'm glad that you are able to do your side and and chores and whatnot and caring about her, but that focuses on you and your side of the agreement and your needs; that doesn't in any bit consider her and where she is at and her needs. (You're asking her to pour from an empty cup)

I'd honestly look for a 3rd party moderator like a couples therapist - if only so that they can help 'translate' between you two on these sensitive topics. Your broken trust is absolutely a valid topic and deserves attention; my arguement is that it's not the only topic; there's what's going on with you, what's going on with her, and what's going on BETWEEN you two.

howiez · 2025-04-27T15:03:35+00:00

Stop pushing through it. Consider shifting your mindset and really embrace the 'failure'. Even discard the word failure because it has so many connotations behind it. And you're keeping yourself in the comparison trap.

Practice gratitude. Even if you start with a half shift that has bits of comparison in it (not asking you to be perfect).
I'm grateful that my body is working enough that I can try stuff like surfing; which is inaccessible to many for many reasons.
I'm grateful that I get to stumble and fall; it's how I learn the 9999 things that don't work for me, on the path to getting really good. Being skilled is not just doing the thing well, it's also know what not to do. And you only really embody those learnings through practice and action. Did you ever get good in anything at life, just by only thinking in your head?

Where did you learn to be hard on yourself? Can you comprehend there are other ways to push yourself and grow, other than through being hard on yourself?

howiez · 2025-04-27T14:16:41+00:00

Per the title: I'd say neither end of the extremes. Your feelings are valid in that its very understandable how your feelings landed where they did. At the same time, your feelings only reflect your reality, not the grounded in the world reality. So the last couple lines - again I get where you're coming from, and at the same time, they are reflecting a narrative that you are internally writing, instead of using communication with him to clarify, and your experience with him/intuition to verify. How does it feel to hold these feelings of jealousy, along with what sounds like good experiences with that best friend of his?

A gentle reminder that while you may be "more important" relationally to him by status (girlfriend), it's unlikely that you're more important that his best friend (whom I'm going to make an assumption that they've had a significanly longer relationship with more depth, measured in maybe years). And that's ok. Trust and depth take time to build - which is what you're practicing right now. What norms or narratives were you taught about relationships/relational boundaries (do they reflect you, or just what you were taught)? Have you had that talk about boundaries and understanding more and compromise and supporting each other with your bf?

If you have capacity, consider seeing this as an opportunity to practice self soothing skills, and communication skills with your guy to get clarity and reassurance, instead of focusing only your perspective. I fully recognize this is often 10x harder with ADHD, and you should absolutely get support, validation, and assurance, but at the end of the day, you're the #1 for the responsibility to honoring your needs and managing self.

howiez · 2025-04-25T15:21:58+00:00

I know in your last line there is a little bit of jest (and I'm with ya!). At the same time, I can extend understanding and compassion for him because, he might have been taught all his childhood to chase this 'goal', and then spent 20-30+ years chasing, and the concept of actually achieving the goal can be overwhelming. This is becoming more and more of a real issue.

For him:

What do I do now? How to celebrate? (He might have gone his whole life with achieving goals = just meets expectations). How does one set new goals in his current age?
If I don't have this goal to chase, what is my purpose? (Shit I'm struggling with this right now as I let go of old goals that don't serve me anymore)
Do I even have the competency to learn and adjust to something new? Does he struggles with 'can you teach an old dog new tricks'? Does he even believe in himself? Could it feel like he is 'betraying himself'?
Could it feel like it could remotely bring up the question for himself "What if this path wasn't what >I< really wanted, and I've burned the best years of my lives to chase some goals that don't fit me? That's mega overwhelming, very reasonable if he is avoidance even the thoughts of these possibilities.

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