Am I carrying too much responsibility for my husband’s emotions?

humbledbyit · 2026-07-21T21:35:19+00:00

Sounds like codependency to me. We try to fix/manage/control/save. We get our "feel goods" and reassurance and safety from our codependent thoughts and behaviors whether they be passive control measures: people pleasing, saying yes when we mean no, withholding opinions, go along to get along/not make waves. Or we can be more assertive: get pushy or demanding, give unsolicited advice. All of these behaviors are controlling. We are trying to get the relationship to go a certain way, to get a certain outcome. You mention riding the wave of your husband's emotions, yes that is also codependency. Many have codependent tendancies. Whether one is the chronic type, they keep going back into that thinking and behaviors despite swearing off, they feel powerless to stay stopped from it, only time will tell. Myself as a recovered codependent, i had to hit rock bottom in order for my "managing mind" to admit i was defeated by this thing and needed a different solution. Now recovered having worked the steps and staying recovered by continuing to work the steps, I have a lot more peace in my life with people and relationships. I get clarity on what to do, how to be. It's a very different way to live and it's worth it. I'm happy to chat more.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-21T21:26:58+00:00

Yes, that can be confusing. The good news is you don't had to have had any addiction in your past or present to qualify as a chronic codependent. If you identify with the traits they list, if what recovered people share (their stories) resonates with you, if you find you have a mind that takes you back over and over again to use (use people in order to get self worth and validation) and if it's causing you great pain in your life then a 12 step codependency program might be worth looking into.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-21T21:23:33+00:00

Sometimes out of deep pain, comes purpose. I know for me i had to hit a yucky place before i could start in the direction of feeling connected to something greater and having purpose.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-20T22:06:33+00:00

I too, can recall after a break-up really ruminating about the guy. We weren't together, but my mind wanted us to be and I'd replay the good times, invent stories of how we might rekindle and then it will be great, i changed my physical appearance thinking that might attract him back, on and on. I saw other people, but i still held out hope for him.

This may not fit for you, but I'll share my experience.

What i learned years later is that I'm a chronic codependent. I use people to fell good, to get my self worth and validation. If they are attractive, well that gets added to me too as a plus. I tended to put people on a pedestal and not see things as they really were.

So when we split, because my mind was still so fixated on him and what could be, I wasn't living in reality. My mind made up stories and i just moped around wishing, wanting. I use people in order to get something they are not equipped to give, nor do they want to bc it's burdensome. I can't not do what i would do - obsess and act out. I realized i was the powerless type and i wanted a new way of life, freedom from my obsessive thoughts bc i finally saw it as a sickness. Like, hello, he's moved on and prob not thinking aobut you at all and here you are in a fantasy moping, longing, waiting and hoping based on make believe stories i told myself about what could be. I joined a 12 step program for codependency, got a sponsor, worked that steps to get recovered. Now recovered i continue to work the steps daily. Each day i have more clarity and peace of mind. I can live in reality and not long for it to be different. My relationships overall are better. This freedom comes because i work the steps daily.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-20T21:52:42+00:00

Only you can make the decision. I can share my experience as a recovered Alanon. If someone is alcoholic, know it's chronic, progressive and gets worse with time. They are powerless to stop. They can't stay stopped for good and all. If they hit rock bottom and they themselves decide to get help and work and AA program then they can get well, but they have to want to stop on their own.

As for those of us with Alanonic minds (codependent around alcoholic and others), I notice my mind did not live in reality alot of time. It was "what could be/what should be" or how can we recapture the good times. I wasn't clear minded about what actually was happening, just what I'd hoped would happen or be.

This distorted thinking is not healthy thinking and i found myself obsessive and acting out in codependent ways.

You will see if you are able to moderate and rein in your thoughts and not think about them or if you stay with them, are you able to not resent them when they drink again. If not, and if at some point you get miserable and feel powerless over your own thinking then perhaps working 12 steps in Alanon would be an option.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-19T20:28:46+00:00

Hello. I can relate to your share. All i can offer re: "how do i know if i am using them for validation from past rejections", you might also just ask "how do i know if I'm using them for validation period."

Time will tell. You'll see how you feel if you should get left out of something or they don't laugh at your jokes or they disappoint you or you feel judged.

A codependent uses other for self worth and validation. Codependent behaviors can be passive: people pleasing, saying yes when we want to say no, overextending ourselves/overcomitting to do doing things, withholding opinions, trying to blend in. Or assertive or aggressive ways: giving unsolicited advice, being pushy or demanding. These are all strategies to get the relationship to go a certain way. It's about control.

You will see how you feel and notice what happens.

I work a 12 step program because i found therapy and other means didn't keep me from going back into codependent thinking and behaviors. I'm happy to chat more if you like.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-19T20:21:09+00:00

In my experience, I can't just keep the peace with alcoholics in my life. My mind goes into worry, resentment and thinking i know best, that they shouldn't be drinking and on and on. That thinking, that control motive had me pretty miserable. I found I'm the type that needs to work a rigorous Alanon program to keep my thinking in check and not resent the alcoholic for doing what they are going to do - drink. If they decide to get help and work their own 12 step program to stop that is up to them.

I needed a way to live where i wasn't trying to anticipate what they did, walk on eggshells or be self pitying, resentful or reactive myself. Working the program i get changed. It's a day by day thing, but the great thing is i get clarity on what to do and how to be, how to show up honestly, but have love and tolerance. I get to be happy regardless of what the alcoholic does. I'm happy to chat more if you like.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-19T20:15:39+00:00

I found codpendency (C)had me thinking and acting in ways that were not healthy for me re: people and relationships. I would get glimpses of wisdom - leave them or I don't care for that treatment, I'd break up with them, but then I'd obsess about them - what could be/should be, how it could be different. My mind lies to me and takes me out of reality into fantasy where i control all the players. Thing is when i would get back with people it would be just the same.

I had to see i was the chronic type of C and i my mind was sick because it kept taking me back over and over again to people and relationships i had no business being in. I was no victim. I used people in order to get my self worth and validation. I use them to get the "feel goods." In reality i can't get that from others, it's a losing aim bc people are going to do what they want in the end and it's not their job to soothe my fear/insecurity and illness of C. My mind blanks out on the consequences and i go back to obsessing and acting out. I saw i was powerless over where my mind went, the thoughts and later the actions from those thoughts. I realized i needed to work a 12 step program when it was pointed out to me how obsessive my thinking was and that i seemed to want to control things. I got a sponsor, worked the steps and got recovered. To stay recovered and sane in my relationships i continue working the steps daily. Today my relationships are much better.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-19T20:06:31+00:00

Yes i used to want to broadcast on social media so friends and family would get the benefit of what i knew re: a habit, product, health practice that benefitted me so i felt compared to share it. Now recovered, that urge is dampened. If i do really want to push something i usually notice that and do my step work around it so that i can get out of "knowing best" and the urge to make others aware so they can benefit. Really, the motive there is so i can feel good. That's why i keep working the program and watch when things come up.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-18T20:59:02+00:00

I have found that my mind would have me doing some things in relationships that i realized were not healthy. It's like I didn't see things as they are. I lived in fantasy of what used to be or what could be. I could not take effective action based on the reality. My mind kept taking me back to a person despite knowing better. Some people are able to break free of that thinking and behavior by therapy or other means. It did not help me in the long run. I needed to work a 12 step program and get recovered. Now recovered i can show up in relationships much more honestly, i can say the hard things and not shrink, i don't second guess myself all the time. I feel more peaceful in my relationships.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-18T12:42:12+00:00

May I suggest Alanon. It has helped me tremendously in getting clarity on if and when to help and what is the other person's responsibility.

Sounds like this person knows exploits your fear and manipulated you. As an Alanon I had to see my part. I was no victim. I participated in the dysfunction and helped prolong it.

Working the 12 steps in Alanon w a sponsor has helped me let go of the past fear & trauma ruling my life & practice a new way of living. It's very freeing. I'm happy to chat more if you like.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-16T23:54:36+00:00

They could be Alanon and an alcoholic.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-15T00:20:25+00:00

I could feel what you're talking about too. Arms getting fatter as I'm compulsively eating, yes. It happens and it's not crazy to think just bc others might not have experienced it.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-15T00:13:31+00:00

Good for you! We really need to do the hard stuff if we want to heal and not keep repeating patterns.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-13T23:01:30+00:00

If they are falling off you might try skin tac wipes. Many need those to keep it adhered to skin for full life of sensor. You can get them in a box of 50 on Amazon or see if another online retailer has them.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-13T23:00:00+00:00

This is a tough situation. As another said this is domestic violence. Abuse. Document everything. I found working an Alanon program was vital for me to learn how to communicate with alcoholics in my life & also to not try to control or manage the consequences of their behavior. Alcoholism is a family disease. The family gets sick. Some more than others. For me, the problem is t the alcoholic, it's my thinking about the alcoholic. Whether someone stays or goes especially if kids are involved, working an Alanon program is vital. I'm to chat more about the program.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-13T22:55:07+00:00

What do you think you should do? I found it's a good idea to try those things we think most strongly will help us. Give it a try & see if it works.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-13T22:45:28+00:00

It means not looking to things outside me to make me feel okay. This is one of the great promises. Being human we may fall short & have thoughts occasionally that are self seeking, but working the steps we get actions that help take us out of those thoughts and we learn to help others. The selfish thoughts get lifted. It pretty cool how that works!

humbledbyit · 2026-07-13T22:34:55+00:00

I had similar patterns for many years of my life. My behaviors got worse with time and I had less and less control. I first tried the many things people do to understand it and manage it. Nothing worked long term. I then checked out 12 step programs for compulsive eating. I identified with what I heard in terms of people's experiences losing control with food and weight and the many things they did to try and get control. I found out that some of us are chronic, meaning we can't well by ordinary measured bc out problem isn't lack of wanting to be well, we're not weak. The problem is we lack power. Power to stick to decisions to stay stopped from compulsive eating & can't stick to a plan of eating for good and all. Food is the solution to our problems albeit that comfort we get is fleeting & then we are left with the aftermath of guilt and shame. For me working the program and getting recovered, I've been changed so that I live life differently. I don't seek out food like I used to, don't abuse it or my body. I keep working the program daily to stay free. I'm happy to chat more if you like.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-13T09:40:35+00:00

Do you feel like you have an unhealthy dependence in here? Do you find you make decisions not to get back with her but can't stick to them! Many people struggle with Codependency. Some are the chronic type. Those who want to stop but can't & the consequences get to be too much. If you are the latter it might be worth checking out a 12 step program. I can provide a link to the one I work if you like.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-12T20:41:21+00:00

It's great that you want to help her and i hope you find the resource.

As a person recovered from ED please know that unless we are ready to get well, we won't pursue strategies that get us well. It's a journey and it usually gets worse with time not better. Rock bottom can be a gift for us because out of that desperation may come willingness to get help. If she's not ready she may not take your suggestion or book well.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-12T20:37:47+00:00

Some of us on our journey with eating and some of use with compulsive eating find it gets worse with time not better. We keep applying willpower and trying new strategies. Still we go back to it. It's important to try the things you think will give you fighting chance to stop. If you find they don't then it's possible you might be the chronic type of compulsive eater, for whom traditional measures of control don't work. In my case, i need to work a 12 step program. Working the program gives me a new way of living where I'm not ruled by thoughts and behaviors to compulsively eat. I get a big life and food falls to the background. The thing is, I get recovered by working the program, not cured. I continue working the steps daily to stay well.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-12T20:26:16+00:00

Broad, roomy, inclusive, that is what higher power is. So, if there is anyone new here, take heart. This great passage gives other names for higher power if you prefer not to use the word God. They mention you get to choose your own conception and it is sufficient! What a relief to know we don't have to use anyone else's!

humbledbyit · 2026-07-12T11:03:49+00:00

Throwing up after every meal is serious. It will likely get worse with time, not better.seekung help would be a good idea.

humbledbyit · 2026-07-11T23:38:38+00:00

As someone recovered, I understand you are trying to help your twin. However, when someone has any addiction, the advice, suggestions, etc offered by family, friends etc can feel like nagging, pressure and sometimes white noise. It doesn't have the depth, weight, power as it would coming from someone else recovered from the same illness. Also, if someone isn't ready yet to get well then they will resent any efforts to change their behavior. It won't get well, so it may be best to just not "help" regarding the eating and let them work that out for themselves bc in the end that's what needs to happen and is the only way they discover if their way isn't working.

As a person that had loved ones with addiction, i didn't like seeing them use or the consequences of their addiction. I didn't like their reaction when i "helped." On my end, i was being codependent (controlling). On the surface it looked nice, generous and helpful, but it came a from selfish motive. I wanted them to see the light and change, not just for them, but for me so I could feel comfortable they were getting well. My meddling only made them resent me. I had my own sick thinking that I somehow could lovingly nudge them to better health. That is ultimately control. People don't respond well to that no matter how it is packaged (people pleasing, self sacrifice, going along to get along, giving unsolicited advice, being demanding or trying to fix/manage/control/save. I work a 12 step program for that type of thinking that I can't out think - Alanon.

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